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Monday, May 09, 2005

Up By One...

Lost in thought and lost in time
While the seeds of lifeand the seeds of change were planted
Outside the rain fell dark and slow
While I pondered on this dangerous but irresistible pastime

Sunday, 6:10pm
After coming back from a 12-6 deficit and the ball on their own one yard line, team: Carries a Junkie (my team) came back to take the lead after a quick touchdown to Kim and the subsequent extra point by Tom “poopy doodle” Berg in the back of the end zone to pull ahead 19-12.

Team CSB came back to score with a minute left of play and it came down to the two point conversion.


(CUE: TERMINATOR THEME)
It now comes down to the 16 most talented touch-football athletes in the history of the world (just go with it) and it’s down to the game clinching two-point conversion. Team Carries a Junkie has come off of two disappointing defeats in as many weeks and CSB (or whatever) actually won a game.

The field was tainted with knowing dissapointment for one of these fearless teams as they both lined up for this important conversion.
“Hike!” and the play begins with five receivers spread out and going in every which way just to catch a couple yards of sweet victory.

Pump fake to the right, pump fake to the left. The quarterback runs right to avoid the heavy rush by Anita. Quarterback now runs left and finds someone open but he’s got to fire it low.
Cocks his arm and fires a foot above ground to a seemingly open pair of hands--until…

Tom “thunder buns” Berg dives (divids-doveded-divingly) takes that ball and smothers it to the ground.


The taste of sweet victory went to Carrie's a Junkie!

AND, I won the “May BBQ Poker Open” with my stellar poker playing! Got myself a trophy too!

Crap List

1. Cards
I hate shopping for cards. I have a firm belief that all cards are irrelevant and stupid. It’s for uncreative people to plop down 3 or more dollars for someone else’s version of a fabulously funny card.
For Mother’s Day I was walking down the aisle of Walgreens looking for that one decent card. Right away I look at the end of the aisle where they have these square cards with strange abstract pictures and the unrelated scripture.

For instance,
I got my friend this card where these kids are watering down the side of their house with garden hoses and the inside said something like,
“Wishing you a killer birthday!”

If there was such a thing as $3 for brilliance, that was it.
Lately they’ve gone away with these cards for more of the boring, traditional stupid cards.

In fact, last week for D’s birthday I got her a sympathy card and a bunch of crap for her being from Wisconsin.

For Mother’s Day I was flipping through the cards to find,

A. Hundreds of the pink, flowery, cursive dumb cards.

-Those just aren’t my style. It’s hard to make those wacky.

B. ‘To the best mother a kid could have!’

-Well, lets not go overboard here. I could just see my Mom opening such a card and saying,
“So you need to be sarcastic in the form of Hallmark cards now?” as I don a weak smile.

Whoever accepts these cards have to be arrogant or na├»ve because, I love my Mom, but she’s not the *best* mother in the world. The best mother in the world wouldn’t throw away Pink Floyd posters and force Catholicism on their kids for 19 years on their kid.

Just like I KNOW I’m not the best kid in the world. The best son in the world wouldn’t openly criticize their Mom the day after Mother’s day on the internet super highway. If I receive a “best kid” card I would probably drop it on the table, look at my parents, and say,
“You could’ve just given me the four bucks instead of this nonsense!”

C. “We’re doing the wave just for you on Mother’s Day!”
I actually saw this card.

Um, NO.


D. Any “funny” card
These cards are about as funny as Fred Basset’s cartoon on Sunday. I’ll read these and drop them in the aisle in amazement that one would buy such a card.

I ended up buying my Mom an actual birthday card and crossing out the “birthday” and substituting the “Mother’s Day” instead.

Worked like a charm and she liked it, and I was satisfied.

2. Fred Basset cartoons
Every Sunday I need to read this 4-6 blocks of cartoon version of Webster because it’s freightingly horrible! You thought that Marmaduke and Family Circus was bad… *shudders*

What pisses me off even more is that someone is making money off this. Someone is making money off of this watered down, sterile, safe comic strip.

I could so easily come up with something better. It would have terrible drawings, plot twists, gnarly colors, and all the humor that one could want!

I would call it, “Zwistlittle” because it sounds cool!

3. Paula Abdul sleeps with…..

I…. really don’t care. She could sleep with H and I would be like,
“Oh, sweet. So when are ya barbequing again?”

PAULA ABDUL IS NOT A STAR! SHE HAD HER HALF HOUR OF FAME 15 YEARS AGO! Who cares what John Deere hat wearing tool she sleeps with?

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