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Thursday, June 02, 2005

Back to the Old...Babes

In the howlin' wind
Comes a stingin' rain
See it drivin' nails
Into the souls on the tree of pain.


I’m calmer than you are…

*clears throat*

Calmer than you are.



I haven’t done this in awhile and I think it’s time for some…


BABES… a checkup

Lets take a look at babes I rated back when.


Lindsey Lohan
I think I may have rated her before but it definitely deserves a refinement. Lindsey Lohan has quietly been leading the leagues in highest crackwhore potential. Have you seen her recently? She looks like someone could pencil fight her and the pencil would win! Not to mention that she’s pasty white with a terrible looking “fake” face.
To tell you the absolute truth, I wouldn’t even tap that anymore! Maybe back in the day before the crack started showing but not now.

She looks disgusting now. Maybe even worse than SJP

No way man. No way

.333 and nothing

Britney Spears
Web forums have quickly dubbed her ‘trailor trash queen’ and she very well could be. You knew SOMETHING had to give with her career. All it took were some photos of her bare footing it in a public bathroom to bring her down. Actually that and getting knocked up by a dumb ass dancer.
Now that she’s been mommy-fied her stock is also plummeting. She should take some advice from Christina and just abruptly go away.
3

Sara Evans
If you will recall, she was one of my illustrious tens or four packs. I now have changed my stance on Mrs. Evans. She’s still way more attractive than the first two, but I have seen too many interviews and a live video clip to knock her down from the ten.
At her concerts she sounds horrible and she waves at everyone. Yeah, that stupid girly four finger wave thing which is annoying. It’s also very apparent that they really “do” her up for the videos to the point where she looks like a different, make believe, person.
But DAMN, I’d tippity, tippity tap DAT!
8.5

Eva Longoria
She received number one on the Maxim top 100 and she is the perfect example of too much pub at too little time. It was only a year ago when no one knew who the hell she was and she didn’t even make the top 100. Now all of a sudden she’s the queen shit and can’t do no wrong. Her stock hasn’t fallen that much however it is receiving a ‘J-lo’ like backlash

8

Teri Hatcher

Still hot

10

And some new ones


Rachael Nichols
She’s the sideline reporter for ESPN (currently working on the NBA).
She’s hot but… there’s something about her. Something that shakes my soul up a bit.
I think I know what it is, she’s the devil woman.
Her weird looking red hair is what does it. That and that “innocent” look on her face. I bet she’s not innocent at all! I bet she swears a lot and puts ketchup on her hot dogs.
I bet she toots in public and blames it on the guy next to her!
She’s hot though
7.5 (sorry, I couldn’t find any pics)

Danica Patrick
With the woman-power thing aside- she’s the most overrated hottie around! In her case it’s a matter of country boy, NASCAR glasses. Yeah compared to all those other male drivers, a crocked tree looks hot, but she’s got one huge flaw. She talks like a racecar driver. There’s nothing more unsexy than a woman talking about indycar racing and the tactics that go with it.
Bleh!
4

2 comments:

lycradog said...

Come on, B. You gotta give a little love to Natalie Portman. She's beyond fine and she doesn't think she can sing. What more could we ask for, really?

Eric Wormann said...

Natalie Portman has attatched earlobes, and that knocks her down to a 2 in my book. And as for Britney Spears, I believe Ryan Adams said it best:

"I met Britney Spears in a LA nightclub called BLUE. They have it acros the steet from Boardners on Cherokee/ next to LA Deuux. Anyway, what a fucking gross chunky cheerleader she was. She had stubby body builder legs and she just reaked. Fucking bad sunglasses in a bad LA party. In any event, whatever low cut show more skin thing she was trying to pull off on TV, all those times was pure distraction from her horrible Florida white trash body. Like Berolina, but actually that stupid and un attractive but just not being given the credit for it, Justin Timberlake must be a homely piece if he was feeding her the much. She looked like a germophobe."