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Friday, June 03, 2005

Berg Vs. The Waterbed

It echoes. Nobody hears, it goes, it goes, it goes.
Like echoes. Nobody hears, it goes, it goes, it goes, like this.
We're faithfull. We all believe, we all believe it.
Echoes. Nobody hears, it goes, it goes, it goes.
We're faithfull. We all believe we all believe it.

This next story will most definitely have you stand up blindly exclaiming,
“THAT BOY’S A DUMBASS!”. So I warn you all!

Wednesday afternoon the skies were bearing the pissed off look of mother nature herself. I woke up at 9am and immediately stood up. I could feel it hitting me slowly but surely. I had that same feeling as when I got my finger sucked up the vacuum cleaner.

I was going to act like a dumbass today.

The project was to drain my waterbed in a clean, controlled manor because the siphoning method didn’t work.

Tuesday 4:30am
I woke up wide awake with a puzzled look. I couldn’t figure out why I woke up and I didn’t hear any noises. I started reaching for my junk (because that’s what guys do when they’re confused in bed) and everything was ok, but I felt something wet.

I frantically (and blindly) searched the bed until I hit a wet puddle at which time I had flashbacks to when I was 6 years old. For some reason I wanted to believe that this wet spot was urine, so I checked my junk again…and again and then the wet spot. Because I was still groggy and in a sleepy state of mind, I just couldn’t figure it out. That is until I remembered that I was laying on a waterbed and sometimes they get holes in them.
Fuckin cracked the code on that one, so I immediately moved to the couch

Wednesday afternoon (cont)
I stared at my waterbed bladder sipping a coke leaning from my room’s threshold for a long time thinking of my alternatives.
-Find a bilge pump somewhere and pump it out. (not terribly bad, but I don’t know anyone with a bilge pump anymore)
-Throw it out the window (haha--NOT gonna happen)
-Move it into the bathtub and drain it. (not bad, but you try moving 80 gallons of water!)
-Steal my Dad’s 18 gallon big-fucking wet vac until you can finally move it into the bathroom. (bingo)

“YAR, I’LL BE SEEIN THE LAST OF YOU DARE WEE SHIT-TER! YAR.” I blurted out.

So I get everything cleaned out and seemingly all ready to simply vacuum the water out slowly until I can move it.

So I takes the blow hole (fill hole) and stab the beast with my honorable sword (vacuum cleaner).
And it’s suckin…and suckin…and suckin and at this point I was daydreaming about a new, decent bed. One with a frame and an actual mattress--WEEEEEEHEEEEEEeeeeeeeeee--put,put weeeeee-put,pu-so I shut off my honorable sword and looked back at all the water spraying onto my CD collection from the vacuum.

Evidently the vac reached 18 gallons and I should’ve paid closer attention.

No big deal, dumped it in the bathtub and did that another three times.
I got a little bored with the whole situation so I tried to move the beast.

*********“THAT BOY’S A DUMBASS!”******

“YAR, WORK WIT ME ‘ERE. YAR. INTO THE DRAIN YA GOOO. YAR”


I managed to get the bladder off of the boxspring and now it was on the floor.

When I worked that bladder to the floor I tried dragging it to the bathroom. Nothing. Wouldn’t even budge.
“YAR OLE’ NESSY WAS STARTIN TO BE A FUSSY ONE. YAR”

So now instead of a leaking waterbed safely on a box spring, it’s now leaking onto my bedroom carpet. I slapped my forehead and asked myself,
“What the fuck is wrong with you?”

I continued on with the vacuum and the job became noticeably messier with the weird contortions the bladder was forming from me attempting to move it. I was getting water everywhere.

I managed to move the beast to inner part of the threshold and the beast wasn’t going to move much more than that.

Again, I got bored.

Idea: Slit a giant hole in the side so you can stick the whole vacuum piece in there.

*********“THAT BOY’S A DUMBASS!”******

Instead of one manageable hole I have one manageable hole and a noticeably UN-manageable hole.

So I stabbed ole nessy right in the gullet. She gave out a helluva squeal and immediately started to defy me.

So now I was faced with the problem of emptying the vac and making sure this new slit wouldn’t work it’s way to the floor to which I’d have a completely soaked apartment floor.

Again I murmured to myself,
“God DAMN, you are a dumb shit!”

I eventually worked the bladder to the bathtub and not without a lot of hard work and a ton of water on my bathroom floor.

“YAR, THAT’LL BE THE LAST YOU SEE OF ‘OLE NESSY. YAR SHE HAD THE STUBBORNNESS OF A MULE AND THE STRENGTH OF 80 GALLONS OF WATER, YAR!”

That and all these little white chemical balls scattered throughout my apartment.

I’m never getting waterbed again!

Pfff Fuck DAT!

2 comments:

Orbitron19 said...

Too Funny! (It was a dumbass move, but Goddamn, that's funny!) The sad thing is that in the same situation, I would have probably done the same thing!

h said...

I point and laugh in your general direction.