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Sunday, June 05, 2005

Carl Pohlad

You live in a church
where you sleep with voodoo dolls
and you won't give up the search
for the ghosts in the halls


I got a lot of crap today so here we go

Crap List

1. Danica Patrick
Ya know, she’s not that great looking. She’s not bad, but she’s not the Michael Jordan of Indy racing in that she needs to have her face on everything. In fact, who really follows Indy racing anyway? Even with that, it’s not like you can oogle her while she’s doing her thing anyway. Charles Barkley said it best in regards to racecar drivers, ‘yeah but they’re still just driving a car. No matter how you describe it, they’re only just driving.’

If she was walking down the street, yeah I’d look at her, but she’s not worth a double take. At least not for me.

ESPN is now selling the crap out of her next race which is the ‘something 300’. They could have a Teri Hatcher drive the car and I wouldn’t give a damn.

2. Minneapolis Stop lights
It seems that I’m always in Minneapolis at night and their stop lights are retarded! When I used to live in Minneapolis at the hizzy, I would be stuck on this completely empty street at 1am at a 5 minute red light.

Minneapolis light evidently don’t use the sensors, but the stupid timer instead.

St. Paul has the right idea, keep the main streets green until you absolutely have to stop traffic. I went on White Bear Ave from 694 all the way to 94 in a matter of five minutes at night one time (making all the lights). Usually that takes a good twenty minutes in the middle of the day.

God damn Minneapolis is stupid.

3. Carl Pohlad inducted into the Twins Hall of Fame.
Ok, ok, ok I got it. Well, maybe I don’t.
Here’s a guy who’s owned the Twins since the 80’s.
He made all his money foreclosing farms in the depression era. He’s screwed around with Twins fans with Victory Sports Channel and that bullshit about moving the team to Northern Virginia and Portland. He’s tried to screw Minnesota out of money with numerous stadium proposals where his money--as indicated in fine, fine print--was nothing more than a loan to the state.

That’s not terribly insulting except that HE’S A MULTI BILLIONAIRE!!!
He’s also been regarded (by a national entity) as the greediest owner in sports.
When asked why he hasn’t been contributing more money he responded with,
“I have to take care of my family!”
EXACTLY HOW MANY GENERATIONS ARE WE TALKING ABOUT???

Also, and this is what kills me, HE VOLUNTEERED HIS TEAM TO BE CONTRACTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HE OPENLY VOLUNTEERED TO END THE TEAM!!!!
(notice all the exclamation marks going off the page!
He said, “Hey, I just want to take the money and forget about the team, it’s tradition, the fans, and the community.”

And now he’s a figure in that team’s hall of fame?????

He was actually inducted last Saturday alongside the deserving Frank Viola and I love the story that’s on the Twins website. The story tells about the great accomplishments and why these guys are deserving of Hall of Fame status. Viola dominates 95% of the whole article with just a small mention of Pohlad,

“Pohlad purchased the franchise in 1984 and presided over its two World Series titles in 1987 and 1991. He has maintained a strong presence in the Minnesota community with philanthropy efforts through the Carl and Eloise Pohlad Family Foundation and the Twins Community Fund.
"Whenever you needed something from the boss, you went to Carl, and he got it done for you," said Kelly, who managed the Twins from 1986-2001. “


That’s it.

Tom Kelly who is a respectable baseball personality who, by the way, STILL WORKS FOR POHLAD. Kelly wasn’t exactly describing Superman there and it sounds like the writer couldn’t think of anymore good things to say about Pohlad.

Every damn twins player has a charity of their choice and because Pohlad founded the Twins Community Fund certainly doesn’t merit being a Hall of Famer.

How does he even get nominated?

I think I know. Hear me out.

One day the Twins officials (yes-men and Pohlad) had a board meeting and one of the ‘new business’ topics was to mention Frank Viola for Hall of Fame status. After all, the guy was the Ace of the Twins during the ‘87 and ‘88 seasons and was the Cy Young award winning in ‘88.

“Anyone else” asks one of the officials.
“I have one. I actually have a good one!” blurts out from this ball washing, brown nosed, backstabbing, mindless, piece of shit new guy who‘s trying to climb the ladder.
“I think we should induct Carl himself! He was the reason why the Twins won the World Series in ‘87 and ‘91. He’s pretty much the reason why the Twin Cities remain as one of the true hot spots of America and not to mention that he’s a true American hero.”

**At this point Carl is overcome with such a surprise and the whole room nods and agrees that it’s a good idea. After all, who would disagree with the big boss man sitting right there?***

Such fucking bullshit!

When the Twins were up for contraction in (what?) 2002, I always dreamed about the Twins winning the World Series and Bud Selid presenting the Championship Trophy to Carl Pohlad with 55,000 fans (who were just in a cheering frenzy) to use all that emotion to boo and ridicule such a joke of a presentation. All in front of the players who had to deal with the bullshit of having an owner who never believed or cared for the team.

I gotta stop there. I’ll never get to sleep otherwise.

1 comment:

Hannes said...

Like Major League and Major League 2. But not so much Major League 3.