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Thursday, June 30, 2005

Mailin' It In.

No time today.
We had a friggin shitstorm hit us and I had to clean up some crap.

Here is an emal that I sent out last year....
I was feeling the effects of three months of Sodak so bare with it.


Subject: The official platform!
Date: 26Aug04 8:30pm

First things first, for those keeping score, I am through making fun of the lead singer of Creed. It's just too damn easy now. In his place I will focus my efforts on Joe Namath.

Lead singer of Creed, Joe Namath.

And now with the email

Well, I found Jesus this summer. He was kickin’ it in Hill City by the gas station.

We shot the shit for a good two hours. It was fun.

Anyway, now that Sodak is far, far behind me, I will now focus a whole 10% of my energy towards our campaign.

Berg/Deirenwhatever the fuck it is in 2004

“Shit’s gonna change!”

I hear that people want ‘anyone but Bush’ in 2004. I am here to say that I am ‘anyone but Bush’. So elect me!

Here is my list of my promises.

  1. I will get rid of interleague play in baseball. I have found, through extensive research, that interleague play was a factor in financing Al Qaeda. Therefore this act of terrorism WILL NEED TO BE STOPPED!
  2. Berg and Deirenkiewich will also be including a national “Dollar dog night” once every week for the whole country. This includes dome dogs and any other ‘non-piece-of-shit Dog’
  3. I will also add an amendment to the constitution that limits rights to people who openly listen to the band Loverboy. Listening to loverboy destroys the moral fabric of our society, or some damn shit, and I know more about morality than anyone! I mean just imagine people walking the streets grooving to “working for the weekend” or god forbid, “turn me loose”. That’s what I thought!
  4. All Fridays will be considered “Aloha Fridays” and we’ll all work until noon and simply go home and start the weekend! Don’t worry; you all will get paid for a full 8 hr day!
  5. Thursdays will be considered “Fuck-it Thursday”. Simply because it’s the day before aloha Friday and whatever needs to be done can wait. Like so,

“Hey man I still need to file those reports!”

“Hey fuck it man, it’s fuck it Thursday, a national holiday!”

  1. A giant middle finger will be constructed alongside the St. Croix river facing East so Wisconsinites can always have something nice to look at when looking west.
  2. Berg and Deirenzynski will also hold mass killings to help alleviate our;

Pollution problem

Consuming problem

Population problem

Unemployment

Traffic

Long lines at target

Dumb ass people

Bad drivers and

‘The Bob and Tom show’ (it’s a terrible syndicated morning radio program!)

But don’t worry; we’re simply helping Darwinism out a little bit. Giving it a nudge if you will. For example,

Well have people sit at a desk with a clock showing correct local time. A midget wearing a choice basketball uniform will walk in and ask one question.

WHAT IS THE CURRENT LOCAL TIME?

If the person gets that question wrong, they die. It’s easy enough. Basically if you have common sense, you’re in!

If someone passes on the right for no apparent reason, they die

If someone survives a car wreak that was caused by the driver watching his DVD player, he’s gonna die

If someone brings in a whiney kid to the movie theatre, they both die.

If someone drives a hummer two blocks because they didn’t want to walk, they die!

Joe Namath for wearing his stupid ass fur coat on the sidelines in the 70’s… well after he finishes his 12th step, he’ll die too.

Also, one anonymous day, we’ll take away all safety road signs and make all stoplights flash green constantly. It will cause chaos and whoever lives from that, will deserve to live.

Believe me folks; after everything is said and done, we’ll live in paradise!!!

Oh and we’ll also cure the social security problem by wiping out a lot of old people!

Good times eh?!

Of course nothing really applies to me because I’d be the damn President! The country needs a president right? And Sean’s not an option!

8. Berg and Sean will also change Sean’s last name to something spell able unlike Deirenslkjdfederov…or whatever to something like Lee or Bryant or Melosavic.

  1. We’ll also have Tony Blair (British prime minister) to be our little bitch by bringing us Rip and Dip pizza and Dairy Queen Cake. Whenever there are foreign problems we’ll tell our little bitch, Tony, to go and whip up his magic. It’s all good! Tony will get tired and attempt to sleep one night until Sean and I say,

“HEY TONY, WE’RE NOT DONE RIPPIN’ AND DIPPIN' YET!”

  1. And to apologize ahead of time, If some hottie(s) come out to the media about giving me a blowjob in the office, I ADMIT IT and I’M SORRY!

11. Announce a ‘point and laugh at Wisconsin day’. No different than any Sunday when the Packers play.

Some people may be concerned about my lack of military experience, but I have been in the trenches. I just spent the summer in Sodak for Christ’s sake! I saw Loverboy LIVE. That’s like 15 fuckin’ purple hearts right there!!!

When election night ’04 hits in November, my color is going to be that pukey yellowish-green color, the color of Pus if you will.

So there it is, my platform. Shit’s indeed gonna change when I’m elected!

No bullshit. No mudslingin’.

And I’m not some rich bastard.

In fact, I plan on paying for my campaign through sex.

[CRICKETS CHIRPING]

And if that doesn’t work, I have two cases of Fat Tire beer that I’ll sell too (Seriously)

Anyway,

God Bless America and Iowa

Talk..later

berg

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