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Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Milwaukee part 1: First Blood

Baby you're all that I want
When you're lyin' here in my arms
I'm findin' it hard to believe
We're in heaven

[CUE: Braveheart theme]

Milwaukee,
Where reality becomes dreams
Milwaukee,
Where the beer flows like wine through the streets
Milwaukee,
The promise land
Milwaukee,
Where 40 monkeys in the hand is worth 100 in the bush.
Milwaukee,
Where the streets have no name

Last weekend was the annual weekend where the Twins play the Brewers thus giving many Minnesotans the opportunity to take the city over.

That’s pretty much what us, Minnesotans, did too.

A thing about Minnesotans

There are very few states like Minnesota in terms of the environment and all the resources we have. We’ve got 12,000 lakes, plenty of forested areas, and three--count ‘em--three biomes. No other place has such resources as Minnesota…except Wisconsin.

Wisconsin has a lot of the biomes, more great lakes to their disposal, and they have a lot of ‘regular’ lakes.
Yet they don’t play or appreciate hockey. At least not to the extent that we do.

Minnesota also tries to make it hard for its’ citizens to buy alcohol
-We can only buy alcohol in actual liquor stores, not in gas stations or grocery stores.
-One cannot buy beer on Sundays.
-They do sell beer in grocery stores but it’s “3:2” beer, which confuses the hell out of anyone not from here.
-There’s also a 12% tax on alcohol (depending on the county).

Wisconsin pretty much gives everyone a beer just by entering the state with all the breweries they have.

Then you count all the micro breweries and Minnesotans get kinda mad and want to break things when they enter Wisconsin--subconsciously anyway.

Naturally, Minnesotans want to take over that area called Wisconsin and if we can’t take it over, we try to destroy it through Viking wins (domestic abuse rises 40% the day of every packer loss), sending all the college kids to Madison every Halloween (Madison has one of the biggest Halloween parties in the country and the mayor blamed all the rioting on the Minnesota students), and whenever the Twins play the Brewers in Miller Park (we friggen own the city)


CAST OF CHARACTERS

CAR 1
Hog
Raymond Jennings
Bob Wells

CAR RAMROD
Boof
T-Bone
Rat Boy

I was a little worried about driving T-Bone and Rat-boy to Milwaukee because they are completely comfortable with their manhood to the point of trying to freak people out through nipple tweaks and forearm strokes. That and they like to bounce off the wall sometimes.

Now we’re starting with the trek and after about ten miles of driving,
Ratboy: “Dude, I’m so fuckin bored. I gotta stop at a Wal-Mart to buy a PSP.”

Unbelievable.

After a couple hours of driving, T-Bone finds one of my Bryan Adams CD’s and he cranked that thing all the way up.

We listened to Heaven four times in a row with the stereo up all the way.

*******************************************
2050 Berg talking to his grandson
Lil’ Billy: Grandpa what happened to your hearing?
Berg: I ah… I was listening to Bryan Adams’ Heaven way too loud on a road trip to Milwaukee back in aut 5.
Lil’ Billy: WTF?
*******************************************

While Car Ramrod was singing Bryan Adams and Dio at full blast, Car 1 observed some cows having sexual relations.

The car ride into Milwaukee was beautiful with all the Minnesota fans passing by and how each car load exchanges nods and devil horns as if we all know the plan.
Plan being: CAPTURING MILWAUKEE!!!

We finally head into Milwaukee and into the hotel room. I only told the Hojo that we’d have four people (instead of the six we had), so we could save a little money. I registered our crew and we made our way into our room.

0min 0sec (mark): We open the door to our hotel room.
0min 5sec: Hog plops himself onto the bed and starts to stretch out after such a long drive.
0min 6sec: T-Bone sees Hog sprawled onto the bed and tries to bug him by laying down with him and humping his leg.
0min 7sec: Ratboy sees Hog struggling to get T-Bone off of him and immediately dives on top of the commotion

CREAK, SNAP, POP, BREAK, PLOP,

BAM! BAM!!!

And there went the frame of the bed. Not even ten seconds into the room.

We took the mattress off and looked at this completely shot bed frame. Every single side had a noticeable snap in it.

Naturally we all tried fixing this hopeless piece of shit like the junior retarded MacGyvers we are. We ended up piecing the thing together and thinking that maybe, just maybe we could get away with breaking the bed.

We finally placed the mattress back on top of the shattered-pieced-together‘ed-frame and looked at each other. Who was going to try this bed out?

I volunteered and sat on the end. Nothing, but it didn’t feel safe, so I moved back and I the thing just took me on a crazy ride down to the floor.

We ended up telling the receptionist some other BS that we came to the room with the bed screwed up--and they bought it!

Next we decided to hit the bars…..

Join Boof’s Bergblog tomorrow as I talk about strangers eating Combos in our room, sleeping with phonebooks, and getting shat on by birds.

(to be continued…)

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