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Thursday, July 14, 2005

Boone's Farm

For here
Am I sitting in a tin can
Far above the world
Planet Earth is blue
And there's nothing I can do

Last Monday the Twins actually acquired another player. Actually they made a trade for a player (if you want to call it that).

Twins acquire Bret Boone.
If you ask me they flat out stole this guy and had the Mariners by the balls because it’s just silly how it happened.

I can just see the Terry Ryan and Seattle’s GM talking about the deal in a room. Let’s just say the waiver deadline is 5pm* and it’s 4:30pm as the Seattle GM looks over his phone messages for any other team offering anything, ANYTHING for Bret Boone.

There’s Ryan casually sitting on the couch smoking a stinky cigar and reading his notebook of splits as the Mariners GM looks away from his phone in desperation.

“Anyone call?” questions Ryan as he continues to flip through pages and pages of stats.
“*sigh* No. So who will you give us? It’s not Cuddyer is it?”
“Nah, you’d be lucky to get Cuddyer. I don’t care how bad he’s been this year. Back at home I have this half full carton of milk that has been expired for a week now and we have no idea what to do with it. Perhaps that rotten milk could be of use for us at this point.”
Both men pause to catch each other’s reactions

“…But I couldn’t do that because that’s inhuman and degrading. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA” as Ryan’s laughter echoes throughout Safeco Field.
“Just give me someone!” the Seattle GM irritatingly blurts out.

Ryan exhales a huge puff of smoke toward the Mariners’ GM.
“Well, I assume you’re going to pay for his salary right?”
“Well I don’t wan-I can’t really-It’s just not-THAT’S 8 MILLION DOLLARS!? FINE! OKAY! WE’LL PAY IT!”

“So How bout I give you…..hmmm my son’s beaten down ‘90 Buick Regal--No wait, he still needs that for the demolition derby on Thursday afternoon. Never mind. Ah lets see, how bout…a player to be named later?”

“Who is that going to be?” asked the Mariners GM
“I can see you’re a flat out idiot, so I’ll tend to my laundry back in Minnesota. Good Day.” as Terry Ryan gathers his notebook and makes his way out the fellow GM’s door.

“So we’re going to pick this guy right?” asked the Seattle GM just before Ryan closes the door.

“I doubt it, we’ll find you someone who can sweep the floors. It’s going to be a half assed job though. BWAHAHAHAHAHAAH…”

*After 5pm the player would be a free agent and Seattle would still have to pay Boone’s $8 million salary. Basically they would’ve traded for one of Kansas City’s gross $1 hot dogs on Buck night if it were offered.

That’s basically what went on.

Now I know Boone hasn’t been tearing the crap out of the ball this year, but why not give it a try? It’s not going to cost the Twins much more than four at-bats for about 10 games (at the very least)

So Boone is going to be paid $8.2 million this year and the Twins will only pay about $72k for the rest of the year and offer the Twins equivalent to Onterio Smith of Single A ball.

The Boone era begins tonight and finally, finally we may just have someone half decent to play 2nd. No more of this Rivas, Cuddyer, Punto, Castro, Rodriguez, Abernathy platoon crap.

Hopefully this is the first step to a nice run.

1 comment:

Orbitron19 said...

Dude, I don't want to crap on your parade, but Bret Boone was the most glaring example of the effect of steroid testing. He hits like I do for the first part of his career, get bulked up over one off season and becomes a home run stud, (grows a new jaw, and his head blows up 2 hat sizes) and after steroid testing, he can't hit my 50mph fastball. This was not the Twins getting a clutch player for the stretch. It's a player on his last legs.
Look at the bright side--your closer isn't about to retire like the Tigers' Troy Percival.