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Monday, August 15, 2005

Another Rant

And she says you are not alone
Laying in the light
Put out the fire in your head
And lay with me tonight

Instead of a crap list, I’m going to rant about a topic that I haven’t ranted about in over six months. This is a topic that makes my blood boil whenever someone says anything, whenever I see a special on TV, and whenever I see one of those stupid magazines.

I’m talking about weddings: the ceremony AND reception. I hate them both!

Before I simply disliked weddings like I dislike going to church. Now I despise weddings-at least the traditional, boring, thoughtless ones-because I know weddings can be better than ‘The Traditional Wedding’. I know it!

Which brings me to one of two instances that started this rant, my friend M.

M was the first friend I ever had. We lived less than a block from each other, constantly spent our childhood biking around our neighborhood, and we knew as much about each other as a damn married couple. We were the definition of best friends.

Since those years we have naturally moved away and we talk every now and then about anything.

About a month ago he called me up to tell me about his wedding,

“Oh that’s awesome! Congrats!

“Yeah it’s a smaller wedding, mostly family than anything, but that’s what I was calling about. I would like to invite you to my bachelor party next week.

“Hell yeah, I’d love to go.”

“Great! Then I have the wedding the next day, would you like to go to the wedding?”

“Aaah, no thanks. No offense, I just really, really hate weddings.”

“Oh, ok well would you like to come to the reception then?”

“eyeeeeh, nah, I’m not down with the receptions either. I’ll be at the bachelor party though!”

And that was that. M, who I’ve spent a good portion of my life with and I totally disregard going to his wedding.

Even worse, I don’t regret it for a second. I never once had the thought, ’Gee, maybe I should just stop by.’

Nope, not once.

However I am truly happy for M, I gave him a nice card (and I rock at writing cards), gave him my well wishes, and was genuinely happy for him the day of his wedding.

Because I would rather feel happy for him than the usual negative thoughts like, ’Oh Christ, I hate the fucking chicken dance!’ or ’Why the hell can’t they pick a non-traditional song for the first dance?”

So I really don’t feel that bad about skipping the wedding/reception.

Then for occurrence 2,
I met an old Toys R’ Us friend at work the other week. I used to work at Toys during my senior year of high school and I left vowing never to work in retail again. The people who I worked with (including my other best friend BB) were in this stupid ‘Toys’ cult where they would go out, get fucked up, and try to stump each other with ’Toys’ knowledge.

Yes, they were just like any nerd that has worked at Wal-mart…and didn’t mind it.

Anyway I never went out with this gang because they were all way to happy and silly and completely crazy for my liking.

As I keep running into the old gang it seems that they all have had a falling out and no-one talks to each other anymore. Whenever I ask one person about ’if they’ve ran into so-and-so’ they just take a deep breath and say, ’Weeeeeell, we don’t hang out anymore. There’s been a falling out.’
Which leaves me in my old position of not caring and figuring that someone simply killed someone else because they were just that fucked up. THEY WORKED AT TOYS R’ US FOR CHRIST SAKES!

So I run into J at work and J is someone I enjoyed talking to. I gave her a great going away (probably top 5 all time) card, and she’s just a all-around nice person. We exchange pleasantries and business cards and that was that. Although she did mention that before I took my room in my apartment, it reeked for weeks because there was a decaying human being…in the apartment… that I currently live in right now.


I get this call a week later about another co-worker,

“Remember that one guy in the back room?”

“Uh… not really. I remember the name but that’s it.”

“Anyway he’s getting married tomorrow and I was wondering if you would like to go with me to the wedding?”

“I’m sorry, I’m not that interested. I hate weddings and I don’t even know the guy”

“Aww come on, what do you have going on tomorrow?”

“Well, nothing. I’m just going to eat frozen pizza and watch Christopher Walken’s famous Cowbell sketch thirty times in a row. Ha ha ‘I gotta have more cowbell!’ haha.”

And that was that. No more calls, no more pleasantries.

I don’t feel that bad because three weeks ago she didn’t exist for all I knew and if she wanted to go to a Twins game I would be all for it!

Here’s my beef with weddings and receptions, they are the exact same every time! They are always the exact same except the people are different. Same layout, same costumes, same chicken dinner, same cake--IT’S ALL THE SAME!
I hate how the wedding party eats above everyone else as if were at the Target pharmacy.
I hate how we have to wait 2 hours for food.
I hate the DJ’s

It’s all just horrible, HORRIBLE!

Then the DJ comes in and plays,

‘The chicken song’
‘Friends in small places’
‘Rock your body’
‘Save a Horse, ride a cowboy’
‘We are family’
‘Wonderful tonight’
Achy Breaky Heart
Love Shack
The Macarena.

Yes, all of the worst songs in the whole entire history of the whole fucking world. If I knew of a reception that didn’t feature any of these, I would probably go and be generally happy.

And this is the event that takes months of planning. MONTHS OF PLANNING???

Hell, I could plan one of these in a week. I’m fairly certain of it. It would definitely not be a “traditional” wedding but it would be good.

Yeah if anyone wants me to plan a wedding, I’ll do so for a fraction of what Jennifer Lopez charges.


h said...

You idiot.

Aliecat said...

I'm a chick and I hate weddings too. Mostly because I play cello and my friends always want me to play in the ceremony for free. But, beats wearing an ugly bridesmaids dress all night.