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Friday, August 19, 2005

Christmas in July...in August

It's not far
I can walk
Down the block
To TableTalk
Close my eyes
Make the pies all day


Apparently this is me. What are you?


This has definitely been one of those weeks where if I was shopping at Target and an old friend was in the next aisle, I’d go out of my way to avoid contact with that person or any person. The most amount of livelihood conversation I’ve had the past week has been with cute women at Target.

I’ve tried to avoid as much human contact as possible this week because I just don’t want to talk to anyone. As much as I try I just can’t find my nirvana where the phone never rings and I can just blow off some steam in some distant room. I’m just in a disinterested mood.

Despite all that, I’ve had some of the worst conversations ever. The kind of conversations that just have no substance and one person goes on and on and ON about stupid crap. It seems that every time I look over my shoulder there’s someone going on about the time the shot a bear or back in the day when they worked at the machine shop. I’ll give my nonverbal signs of yawning, subtle eye rolling, and sighs but it does nothing. They just keep talking!

I’ve also been chewing my nails, been more fidgety, and needing more gum than normal. Somehow and someway I think that has something to do with the plans this week being the annual,

IOWA CHRISTMAS IN JULY

This year is my mom’s turn to plan such an event so it’s an Iowa Christmas in July… in Minnesota in August. Last year was in the depths of Iowa when I had a couple ‘outs’ in Twins playoff baseball and another heartbreaking Gopher/Wolverines game to listen to on the radio. As my relatives were sitting around playing cards and ‘resting’ I would be in my vehicle listening to Ruben Sierra break my heart. I later found out that I could’ve attended that game in a friggen suite too…grrrr)

This year is supposed to be different because I don’t have to spend a weekend in Iowa, and I can actually make some other plans. That is, if I still want to talk to anyone.

With my mom planning such an event I feel the need to help out with extreme criticism whenever the time calls. My mom does not seem to have the capability to imagine things out and has come up with the most lame assortment of games that go with the ultimate lame theme of ‘take me out to the ballgame’ to go with it. She should join the old Twins marketing gurus who thought of having Twins fans break the world record for people ‘doing the Macarena’ and $1 hotdog night (with only 20,000 available hotdogs).

With such a theme she’s bought a bunch of peanuts and Crackerjacks. For games she’s checked out a book at the library with the title ‘games for kids’ which would be appropriate for kids. In fact we’re only going to have about 3 kids between 6-14 that are actually going to be there (and that is what’s planned).

I can’t wait for the unofficial tradition of my dad and all my uncles showing off their huge trucks in the parking lot. I really can’t explain it because I don’t understand the need to drive a truck 5 hours when they could get twice the better mileage taking their car instead. In my view, what goes on during these Xmas get-togethers is all my uncles and my dad parking their trucks in a circle, facing each other in the parking lot. They then pop open their hoods and start talking about engine sizes and old anecdotes about Dodge Chargers and . After they peruse the half dozen trucks, they beat off to the newest and biggest gas hog.

The lack of youth has actually led to the dismantling of this annual ritual. At one time there were about 12 cousins all within the ages of 6-16 and it was great times. The uncles would play with us kids and it was an absolute treat to have the opportunity to play with everyone.
Actually it isn’t as bad as how I describe it. We have a pretty cool gift exchange where all the adults gather in a circle and everyone throws a gift in the middle. Usually the women pick the gift so it’s stupid flowery, kitchen crap and I always try to change it up a bit. Two years ago I bought a Johnny Cash and Warren Zevon CD set (as an ode to their deaths that year), I ended up taking those CD’s. Last year I bought the movie ‘Deep Impact’ for my gift and my grandma ended up with it, which is damn funny.

This year I was thinking about buying $10 worth of toilet paper but I think the underlying message in such a gift is the message I want to convey.
I was also thinking of buying stuff that only I would like, so it would be like buying a gift for me. :]
Then I was thinking about buying ’The Day After Tomorrow’ but that’s cruel.
Of course I could go with ’Deep Impact’ again…

I just hope I don’t get stuck with a heavily scented candle or some dumb photo album again.

2 comments:

Hog said...

I know it's a day late, but I'd like to throw a couple of names into the babe arena. Erika Christensen and Scarlett Johansson. Eh. Eh.

Eric Wormann said...

I'm an ISTJ. Great. I share company with Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh.