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Wednesday, August 03, 2005

"I didn't know"

She says her love for me could never die
But that'd change if she ever found out about you and I
Oh - but her love is cold
It wouldn't hurt her if she didn't know, 'cause...
When it gets too much
I need to feel your touch

When I grow up and develop a good fielder’s instinct, and when my ankle heals I’m going to be a baseball player. Not just any baseball player but a damn good one where I’ll hit 500+ home runs, 3000 hits, and be a leader to whatever team pays me the most.

Yeah I’ll be known as a homerun hitter and I’ll drive in all the runners and take the praise from all the fans who are attracted to the home run. I’ll have all the fundamentals and rules of the game down to a science and I’ll teach others in my wake.

Of course near the end of my tenure I’ll have to keep myself limber and maintain the body of a 25 year old in a 40 year old man’s body.

I’d have made over $80 million dollars in contracts alone with much more in product promotions

I’ll garner public attention to myself about how clean I am in the steroid issue. When the government develops a committee on steriod use, I’ll point my finger at them and tell them that I have never, EVER used steroids of any kind.

Until I finally test positive for steroids during another successful season.

When asked,
“How could you have tested positive for illegal substances?” I’ll reply with,

“Whoa, I’m probably the biggest idiot ever. How could I have testified in front of Congress about how I don’t take illegal substances and then get caught for it less than 6 months later.
Fuck me. Damn, I’m so stupid.”

Something other than, “I didn’t know…”

Which is the worst fucking thing to say because it helps the argument that baseball players are mostly retarded.

The guy’s body is a multimillion dollar investment and he’s willing to risk his career, reputation, and money to take such illegal substances.
(Edit: Actually he tested positive of a 'potent' steroid)

Either he’s really fucking stupid or out of touch with society (or both) if he thinks anyone buys that excuse.

If I get pulled over with a DUI tonight I’ll simply tell the cop,
“I didn’t know!” and he’ll come back with,
“Oh, well since you didn’t know I’ll let you go this time, but next time! Next time you better watch what you’re consuming Mr.!”

I would hope that million dollar baseball players are CAREFULLY watching what they eat, and if not they have a personal chef to make sure what they’re eating is right for their diet.

I can’t imagine a baseball player walking into GNC and picking up a bottle of something and saying,
“Here, this looks good. I’m taking it!” without really looking at it.

Hell, I don’t get tested now but I’d still check it to make sure it wouldn’t shrink my precious 10’ penis.

Juan Rincon said the same thing earlier this year, but he’s a pitcher (and currently a bad one at that) so no one really gives a crap what he has to say. Rafael Palmeiro though, his stats show that he’s a definite candidate for the Hall of Fame and he gets caught taking illegal substances and giving the “I didn’t know” excuse.

I’ll have to remember that.


Eric Wormann said...

I wouldn't be surprised if trainers across the league are using some sort of steroid on ballplayers, but not telling them it's a steroid so the players can deny any knowledge of steroid use later. Remember, Barry Bonds supposedly used this excuse earlier in the year.

Boof said...

That could be true and if so, would bring a whole new subject of debate.