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Sunday, July 31, 2005

List 'O Crap

Christ! You know it ain’t easy,
You know how hard it can be.
The way things are going,
They’re going to crucify me.

I know a great way to achieve one of those little lingering headaches that are more irritating than painful. See, all one has to do is wake up early on a Sunday morning and play football in 80+ degree weather for three hours. Then not only are you nearly dying of heat exhaustion, but your probably sunburnt AND tired from waking up early on Sunday morning and odds are that you didn’t sleep terribly early the night before.

Yeah that was my Sunday, sitting on my couch with a little headache, resting my soreness from football, and watching *shudders* bass fishing (which I’ll get into tomorrow).

Moral of the story: never wake up early

Crap List

1. Movies on TV
I was watching the emotional and uplifting I Am Sam on CBS last night.

Every great scene was interrupted with:


AHHHAGH! I just don’t understand why we can’t watch an uninterrupted movie with just a little product's symbol in the corner (in place of the network watermark thingy) for five minutes or something.

Actually what may be even more annoying, but more fun would be to use today’s technology and fit product placements in the movies. Like for I Am Sam, have Sam wearing a drawn in McDonalds cap or having him hold a bottle of Miller Lite or something to that nature.

Depending on how much money Miller throws in Penn could be holding a bottle of Miller Lite for the entire movie and people would think,
“Damn, I need a beer!” after being totally annoyed by the classless networks.

2. The Twins and how they totally got fucked in the ass this weekend.
A lot of people are pissed off at the Twins right now for not making a move yesterday and they may have if Hunter didn’t screw up his foot on Friday.

Oh yeah, teams like Boston and Texas knew the situation the Twins were in and it probably went like this,

Phone conversation with Theo Epstein and Terry Ryan before Friday

Ryan: So I got a couple average starting pitchers, what would you give for them?

Epstein: Well lets see here, Manny…


Epstein: Ok, ok I’m sorry. Ah *wipes tear* well, I’ve always been annoyed by Mueller and Millar because their names are so screwed up. I mean why can’t they just be ‘Millers’? And Mueller should be pronounced ‘MULE-ER’ but no because he’s such a dick.
GOD! I hate it Terry! I just hate it. Take ‘em! take ‘em both! *audible papers being thrown around*

Ryan: Hmmm, well lets just take this conversation and save it into a lockbox and perhaps we’ll unlock this lockbox on Sunday.

Epstein:…the Millar. What did his ancesters want to be different? Stupid goddamn….

Ryan: see ya

then, the ugliest play I have ever seen happened on Friday. Three errors on one play!

Oh it was ugly! Mauer was standing on home plate looking right, then left, then right, then left and never touched the ball. Johnny Damon was the recipient of the stupidest looking inside the parker I have ever seen.

Oh God, let it never happen again!

THEN if a 3-7 road trip wasn’t bad enough they lost one of their last remaining good fielders on Friday for at least 4-6 weeks at least.

So I can only imagine Terry Ryan on Sunday talking to the Rangers and Red Sox without anything resembling leverage to these teams.

Texas GM: We’ll give you Soriano for Lohse…

Ryan: okaaaay,

“…Mays and Romero…”

“sure, “

“and Liriano”

*spits out his Yoohoo* “LIRIANO!? You mean our #1 minor league prospect who’s making Lohse and Mays expendable?


“The same pitcher who is 5-1 with an ERA of 1.83 who’s averaging a strike out an inning in AAA?”


“The same pitcher who just pitched 8 shut out innings, struck out 10, and only gave up ONE hit?

“Yup, that‘s the dude!!”

“Oh well fuck you! How ‘bout Boof Bonser?”

“Ah no. We don’t even want Boof!”

The same went with Boston because everyone knew how desperate the Twins were and there was no way they would let go of Liriano based on the potential rotation next year (or later this year) of


Which would mean that if (and I mean if) the Twins could scratch out one run a game, we could probably win the game.

Alright that’s all,

Tomorrow I talk about bass fishing!

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