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Sunday, August 07, 2005

Where Am I?

For now there's something else that's calling me
So take me down a lonesome road
Point me east and let me go
That suitcase weighs me down with memories

I finally got to attend a Saints game this year. Last time we tried we had a shitstorm of a storm and it just couldn’t happen.

Crap List

1. Yuppies at the ballpark
We sat in the General Admission bleachers along the third base side. Temperature was in the upper 80’s, but that’s exactly what the forecast called for. If you’re one to bitch, it was a little hot.

We sit down and we’re surrounded by yuppies, khaki shorts, polo shirt wearing dads who can’t resist buying crap for their kids. This bugs me in two ways: A. My ignorance B.My Jealousy

I’ll start with B. The few times my parents have ever taken me to the ballpark we’ve either smuggled food in or just delt with being hungry. Begging, whining, and crying would only result in never going to a ballgame again and we were mostly happy just attending at the game.
All in all I believe my parents did an excellent job balancing greed and dying in the fact that they’d only buy us stuff if we really needed it (food, water, ect). We never got frozen lemonade or the ice cream inside the batting helmet.

Yet these parents are fulfilling their kids every whim by constantly buying them crap.

Then A: I’m the last person to talk to when it comes to fashion, but this bugs me more than anything.

Polo shirt tucked into khaki shorts.

I watch as a huge group of families all led by 6’4” fathers wearing a god awful bright yellow/white/pink(?) Ralph Lauren polo shirts all tucked into these pathetic khaki shorts. The game started ten minutes ago and these shits are just NOW deciding to find a seat.
I narrow it down to the man in the ridiculously (and hideous) pink polo shirt as he finds a spot on the bench. His family follows as he takes his bottled water and splashes it on the bench and cleans off the area with his nice cloth he had in his pocket.
Strike 1

I remind myself that I’m at a minor league baseball game sitting in the bleachers (aka: blue collar section) and these guys are pulling this foofy shit.

Later in the game a foul ball is hit in our direction-just a lazy pop fly that floated over our section. I watch as the family of yuppies duck for cover as the ball lands behind them in a sea of six hands all trying for the catch.
Strike 2

Third inning it’s getting hot but nothing worth complaining about--after all everyone should’ve known it was going to be this hot. I see the entire yuppie led family make their way for the exits hearing this from the head asshat,
“C’mon kids it’s too hot and I got stop at the office.”

I stared in awe.

By the end of the 7th (still tie game) all the yuppies were gone and I’m sitting in a nearly empty set of bleachers.

Minnesota, outdoor baseball in the bright sunshine, and a tied ballgame…

And it’s “too hot“.

I have come to the conclusion that yuppies should never come to baseball games and their kids will turn out to be whiney, candy coated bitches.
I fully admit my ignorance, so prove me wrong yuppies.*

*As if a yuppie would be reading this.

(The more you know) If you find yourself at 40 with a family, wearing a polo shirt stuffed into a pair of khaki shorts, kill yourself.

2. Polo shirts with the collar up

Twins game a couple weeks ago

D motions over to a preppy teenager wearing a polo shirt with the collar up around his jaw: Look at that guy over there. What a cool dude.
Boof: Why’s his collar up like that?
D: That’s the cool thing nowadays. You’re “cool” if you put your collar up like that.
Boof: Naw, I don’t believe that. That’s the dumbest thing ever.
D: It is and I really wish that all those idiots could see themselves and stupid they look.

After all,
“When the collars go up the panties come down”.

So if we were to have two dudes wearing polo shirts: one with his collar up and the other with his collar down(and this besides my annoyance with polo shirts).
A girl would look closer at the dude with the collar up?
Because he looks more attractive portraying some Star Trek character. (?)

Everyone, say hello to the ridiculously idiotic fashion fad of the mid 2000’s.
I thought pinning of the pants was dumb, but it’s nice not to have bellbottom-like pants flopping everywhere. Then there was the pants going halfway down your ass in the mid nineties, but I suppose they’ll grow into those pants eventually.

Now it’s the collared up polo shirt.

Well, I guess it makes it easier to pick out the mindless teenagers.

3. North St. Paul Target and Woodbury Target having the opposite layout.
In 15 minutes from where I live, I could choose between 6 Targets to shop at. I know that Minnesota is the home of Target, but enough with these Target stores popping up like herpes after a giganto gangbang.
Even so you’d think they’d have the same layout.

I head over to the Woodbury store, electronics are on the left side of the store. Then I’ll go to North St. Paul on another day and I walk to where I think the video games are located and I find the first aid trinkets. Electronics are on the whole other end of the store.

It’s probably more me because I’ll actually forget where I am once I step inside the store.

(On more than one occasion I’ve walked out startled and said, “Woah, I’m in Woodbury.”)


Eric Wormann said...

I've always been partial to the phrase:
"When the collars pop, the panties drop!"

I'll be at the Yankee game tonight, I just wish I had some khaki shorts to wear.

Boof said...

That's probably the right saying. I couldn't remember it.

Eric Wormann said...

We showed up an hour early.

Me: Four $5 tickets please.
Ticket Guy: Sorry, we're out of $5 tickets.
Me: Okay, well what do you have left?
Ticket Guy: We only have $95 tickets. That would be $380.
Me: Welp, see you later.

Sometimes I hate being a Yankee fan.