A confidence man but why so beleagued?
He's not a leader he's a Texas leaguer.
Swinging for the fence. Got lucky with a strike.
Drilling for fear makes the job simple.
Born on third. Thinks he got a triple.
Last Saturday I participated in my company’s golf annual golf outing. I figured it was free golf with a free ‘starter kit’ and some contests along the way including longest putt and--the one I was going for--longest drive. The “scramble” started at 7am and involved people who I didn’t even know. I didn’t know who the big shots were, who the peons were, nor the good golfers were.
I arrived at 7am with a 48 hour shadow, bloodshot eyes (after working til midnight the night before), and the baggiest/dorkiest clothes around. I walked up to the check-in desk where a guy and a clipboard sit.
“Can I help you?”
“Yeah I’m here to golf, that’s me” as I point to the clipboard with my name.
“oh, well good luck.”
Like I said it was a “scramble” which means all four people on your team hit the ball and your team uses the best ball. Basically you could have three crappy golfers and one big shot, and the big shot will carry his/her team to victory. My team consisted of my coworker B, some guy and his good looking daughter. B is a crotchety old man who isn't afraid of saying anything on the outside, but is a one of the best guys around on the inside. Therefore, I was happy to do this scramble thing.
I used to go golfing a lot more than I do now. Back in the day I would go golfing maybe three-four times a month whereas now I’ve played about three rounds in the last 5 years. So I wasn’t at the top of my game but I didn’t care, it was free golf and they were going to feed me and that’s all it takes to make me happy.
We started and I was smacking the holy hell out of the ball. Everything nice, long, and straight. My team used about 90% of my shots and “The old dude” asked if it really was only the 2nd time I golfed this summer. It was and everything was going right. We were flirting with 1 under for most of the day.
Throughout the round I would approach the daughter and shoot the breeze a little, catch a little common ground if you will. Every time I would approach her, the old dude would walk over with this frown-like scowl and I would proceed to take my shot. This happened about three times and although I was only talking to her, the old dude seemed to be on the verge of saying something until I finally stopped. It wasn’t like I slapped her ass or anything, just simple conversations.
Then came the hole with the longest drive. As my team was waiting for the foursome in front of us, we saw where the longest drive hit. It was about 280 yards down the center of the fairway and we all looked in awe. I step up to the tee box, swing, and hit this long slicing drive that went about ten yards into the rough on the right. It wasn’t anything worth looking at and I was somewhat irritated with the sliced result. B and I drove up to our shots when he pointed at my ball, it wasn’t as bad of a shot as first determined and it was 2 yards past the longest drive.
I totally out drove that son of a bitch! The thing was, because my ball was in the rough, it didn’t count based on the rules already established.
The last hole was about 307 par 4. We had the wind at our back and I used B’s big god damn driver. The thing was HUGE about 50% bigger than my driver and it was light as hell! I teed off and hit the ball not necessarily that great but it was straight and going and going…and going until if finally hit about five yards in front of the green. The foursome ahead of us was on the green and everyone’s heads turned to the mysterious golf ball that somehow landed ten yards away.
That drive was like 300 god damn yards!
The guys on the green looked at B and said,
“THAT, was one hell of a drive! How the hell did you manage that?” B looked at the guys and said,
“It wasn’t me fellas, this kid did that.” and the surprised look on their faces when they looked at this bum was priceless. They thought it was joke, but I was the one laughing!
It was fun as hell.
Our team finished with two over par and we lost to this other team that somehow had three freakin PGA type golfers who finished -4. Bastards
Oh and this conversation with B sums up who that “Old Dude”.
Boof: That guy’s daughter is pretty hot.
B: Oh I know. I’ve seen you’ve been looking at her
Boof: How can I not?! She’s gorgeous. Who is this guy anyway?
B looks at me: He’s only the fucking owner of our company.