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Monday, September 26, 2005

A Green NY Yankees Cap?

hot on your trail blood is red
get on your high horse out of here
if they catch me i am dead
get on your high horse out of here

Alright the Vikes finally won a game… and I’m still losing in fantasy football. I’ll take that every week for the rest of the NFL season. Best of all, we didn’t have to hear Curt Menifee (or whatever) and his sidekick, ass slick, pretend to know anything about football. I’d prefer to hear a couple people who think they know football instead of guys who talk about…nothing.

Crap List

1. The country’s fascination with celebrities
Really, why do people care? Every god damn station has it’s own celebrity clip show where they throw a lot of nothing at us. Why do we care about Gweneth and Coldplay’s weak singer? Who actually cares about what Vince Vaughn thinks if it’s not funny?

AND WHY THE HELL IS BRITNEY’S PREGNANT ASS ON EVERY GOD DAMN MAGAZINE!!!! I would love to walk into a gas station, watch myself enter the gas station on the security monitor just inside, grab a sandwich, and peruse the porn without having to see her fat and ugly ass drenched in makeup on every publication known to man. It would be easy enough to simply turn the magazines around or to just focus on the porno mags, but even the porno mags have a naked preggers Britney on the front.

2. A letter to my new neighbor
Dear Neighbor,
I would like to be the first to congratulate you on your new apartment. We definitely have a great place here with our balcony and clean carpet. I believe we met briefly the other week when we were both in the process of getting in and out of the apartment. I do have a couple “disagreements”, if you will, about you being my neighbor.

1. When I met you the other week, I noticed your baggy “Capri”-like pants that expose your skinny white-ass, toothpic legs and your oversized green New York Yankees cap turned 90 degrees to your right. I cannot begin to tell you how many things are wrong with that cap of yours. I mean if there was ever a cap that says “I’m a total dumbass” that is it because there are a number of things wrong with just the existance of such a cap.
Whatever though, I’m not going to split hairs here because I know I own some questionable material as well so touche.

2. I cannot begin to help myself but to think that the new ‘93 rusted Civic in our lot (yes, the one with the humongous spoiler that was obviously installed by an amateur) is owned by you. I have also noticed this whenever you arrive or leave because it sounds like a god damn boss hoss. I understand that you have limited means for money and that those limited means got you a Civic with 230,000 miles on it, but some cars should certainly not be pimped. For instance a ’93 Civic would be cool or adequate if it were, say, 1994 and not 2005.


3. I can’t also help but to notice that you enjoy music. I think that is great and I totally agree that music is the drug and is the soundtrack of our lives yadda yadda yadda. Pink Floyd rulz.

I also understand the need to “feel” the music, but when feeling your music results in my wall rattling with *boom-ba-boom-boom, ba-ba-boom* (which sounds like muffled fat guys farting) over and over for two god damn hours I think it may be a little much. When I got my stereo hooked up I turned off the bass because there’s no need for the people to the right of me, left of me, below me, or above me to hear what kind of beats my music has.
A word of advice, turn the bass knob all the way to the left and try pumping up the treble. Treble is fun! I like hearing the symbols.

I am truly sorry to come off like this, but please be considerate of your neighbors. I would like to have the typical neighbor relationship where I can come to your place and borrow a cup of sugar and you could come to mine and borrow…frozen pizza or barbeque sauce.
So there’s my thoughts, I have nothing to hide from you. I will also end this letter with a warning, if nothing else and you continue to wear that god awful, ridiculous cap, I will rip it up, burn it (if such an evil, bizarre item should burn), and beat the living shit out of you with the plastic brim for: A. thinking of purchasing such a cap, B. Actually buying such a cap, and C. wearing such a cap [editor’s note: official rant to come later] because the manufacture does not make those hats for fashion, they make green New York Yankees caps to identify all the dumb asses in the world.

Regardless, you’re pretty fly for a white guy.
Have a great day!

3. U2 and my jealousy
I really wanted to see them last Friday, but there’s no way I was going to pay the $80 or whatever it was to see them. Part of my thing with concerts is that I go to see a different aspect in the artist. I want to hear the different take to their songs and partake in the intimate setting, but I’ve been burned way too many times shelling out $50 for a concert I was lukewarm in attending.
There have been way too many concerts that I have attended because “this may be the last time they tour” bullshit they make you want to think. For instance Fleetwood Mac may have been cool in the 70’s but now, when they charge $70 per ticket and they’re old as fuck, they just seem to be a really good Fleetwood Mac cover band.
But god damn, I really want to see U2 though. I’m sure they put on a good show, but $80, on a Friday night (call off of work), at the Target Center? Target Center being the 2nd worst place to see a concert (next to *shudders* Metrodome).
I think I’ll keep my money.

Tomorrow I talk about… I have a couple ideas actually so we’ll see

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