Sing me something brave from your mouth
And I'll bring you pearls of water on my hips
And the love in my lips
All the love in my lips
What the FUCK happened last Sunday/Monday?
I go out camping for a weekend and come back to complete dogshit in the form of NFL box scores.
After the four of us hiked out of camp on Monday morning we stopped at the local deli to eat some breakfast. In great anticipation I open up the sports section and look for the Vikings score.
37-8 with Culpepper throwing 5 (count ‘em) 5 interceptions.
What. The. Fuck? I could live with a 10 point loss or even a low scoring affair but 37-0 (because garbage points are just that, garbage) to the Bengals?
Next I checked my fantasy team, “Frank M”
Before I talk about my fantasy team I want to throw out this stat,
Mean score last week: 62.5
So, for my own therapeutic benefit, I will go player-by-player on how my team performed last week.
QB Trent Green: I consider Green to be a top 5 QB in terms of stats. Last week he had about 230yds passing and….that’s it. Not a bad week but a little disappointing since he didn’t throw a TD, but I can live with 9 points.
RB Willis McGahee: My number 1 draft pick and my best player. Definitely a starter every week and I figure I can expect about 12 points from him on a weekly basis. He ran for a whopping 34 yards this week for 3 points. Yuck
RB Clinton Portis: Another “must start” in my league. I consider him to be a top 20 back at least and he’s had two years of 1500 yards, and last year he ran for 1,300 yards and it was a “bad” year. Portis ran for 52 yards and 20 more receiving. 7 points… bleh
Here’s where it gets fun
WR Reggie Wayne: Manning’s number two guy, which means he’s the best reciever that would ever play for the Giants. Always a “must starter”. 3 catches-19 yards. 1 stinking point
WR Chris Chambers: Very talented WR out of Miami with a new QB throwing to him. They run him on an end around once a game and I figured he would be the best option at WR. I expected him to hit at least 8 points. 3 catches-21 yards. 2 points TWO FLIPPIN POINTS!
TE Heap got me 5 points, which is decent for a TE
K Akers: not only did the Eagles NOT go for field goals, but Akers gets injured and I miss out on one precious point. 5XP for 5 god damn points.
Total points for week 2 (counting opponent’s Eagles defense): 23
Let me point out that stat above: Mean score 62.5 and I score 23. Usually one’s fantasy football score should be higher than their age especially if you’re only 25 years old in a yardage/touchdown league.
Huhuh bwahaha BWHAAHAHAHHAHAHAHA
Cincinnati @ Chicago
Well the Bengals looked like Superbowl contenders against the Vikings last week, but hell, anyone who throws 5 interceptions can make the opponents look like champs. I still kinda like Cincy though.
Bengals 17 Bears 14
Atlanta @ Buffalo
Buffalo will end the year 8-8 by winning every other week. This is their week to win.
Bills 23 Falcons 20
Cleveland @ Indianapolis
Paging Reggie Wayne: You better start scoring points or I’ll seriously fuck you up…somehow.
Colts 31 Browns 14
Tampa Bay @ Green Bay
Packers suck ass.
Bucs 34 Packers 12
Jacksonville @ NY Jets
Woah, the Jaguars allowed only 10 points to the colts. Holy God damn!
Jaguars 27 Jets 6
Oakland @ Philadelphia
The hype-bowl. There will probably always be two DB’s protecting the goalline.
Eagles 21 Raiders 17
Tennessee @ St. Louis
I hope to Christ that Tennessee beats the crap out of the Rams
Rams 34 Titans 17
Carolina @ Miami
I don’t know, I don’t care either
Dolphins 20 Panthers 10
Arizona @ Seattle
Do they have to play this?
Seahawks 24 Cardinals 20
Dallas @ San Francisco
Cowboys should beat the crap out of the 49ers, but there seems to be a half dozen surprises every week.
Cowboys 27 49ers 16
New England @ Pittsburgh
Wow, what a game this is. Could it be that the Patriots lose two in a row? Could the Steelers actually lose at home? Wow, something’s gotta give.
Steelers 28 Patriots 27
NY Giants @ San Diego
I hope the Giants lose every game for the rest of the season. I know it’s been in the works for awhile, but imagine if the Giants get into the playoffs by one game? Nine home games are you kidding me? Couldn’t they just play at a high school in Oregon or something? At least make the site nuetral!
Chargers 23 Giants 20
Kansas City @ Denver
Chiefs seem to be unstoppable. Denver sucks. Trent Green please throw a TD for once.
Chiefs 35 Broncos 17
New Orleans @ Minnesota
Hmmm… let’s see here…. Saints and Vikings….hmmm
PLEASEGODPLEASEGODPLEASEGOD LET THE VIKINGS WIN
PLEASEGODPLEASEGODPLEASEDOG DON’T LET THEM MAKE ANOTHER FOOL OUT OF THEMSELVES.
Vikings 31 Saints 13
|Cincinnati @ Chicago||Bears||Bengals||Bengals||-||Bengals|
|Atlanta @ Buffalo||Bills||Bills||Bills||-||Bills|
|Cleveland @ Indianapolis||Colts||Colts||Colts||-||Colts|
|Tampa Bay @ Green Bay||Packers||Bucs||Bucs||-||Bucs|
|Jacksonville @ NY Jets||Jets||Jaguars||Jaguars||-||Jaguars|
|Oakland @ Philadelphia||Eagles||Eagles||Eagles||-||Eagles|
|Tennessee @ St. Louis||Rams||Rams-||Titans||-||Rams|
|Carolina @ Miami||Panthers||Panthers||Dolphins||-||Dolphins|
|Arizona @ Seattle||Cards||Seahawks||Seahawks||-||Seahawks|
|Dallas @ San Francisco||49ers||Cowboys||49ers||-||Cowboys|
|New England @ Pittsburgh||Patriots||Patriots||Steelers||-||Steelers|
|NY Giants @ San Diego||Giants||Giants||Chargers||-||Chargers|
|Kansas City @ Denver||Broncos||Chiefs||Chiefs||-||Chiefs|
|New Orleans @ Minnesota||Vikings||Saints||Vikings||-||VIKINGS!|