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Thursday, September 08, 2005

Week 1 Picks (fixed!)

I changed by not changing at all.
Small town predicts my fate.
Perhaps that's what no one wants to see.

Baseball is the beautiful woman who’s always there when you need her. In times of trouble you can always have a kind ear to talk to with baseball. Football is like that dark, sexy biker chick that comes and gives you wild sex parties and trashes your whole house. Baseball is love, football is lust.

The 2005 season is totally up in the air because if the past five years have proven anything it’s that every year is unpredictable. Of the 32 teams there’s going to be some team that comes out of nowhere that finds a way to win 12 games. There’s also the teams that always seem to find a way to win when it matters. Then there’s the ultimate disappointment combined with the team with a tremendous fast start.

No matter what happens, it’s always fun to watch guys kill themselves in a team effort.

General predictions

-Randy Moss will have a shit-fit toward Kerry Collins. He will, trust me.

And that’s all I have. I really have no damn clue as to what will happen this season. Predicting the NFL is like trying figure out women, it cannot be done.

Anyways here’s my Vikings prediction.
I think Daunte Culpepper will finally show the naysayer that they are indeed complete racists by carving out the NFC North with pinpoint accuracy and his lack of deflecting defensive linemen. Nate Burleson will be a 1200 yard receiver with Travis Taylor and Marcus Robinson having three good weeks a piece. The running game will be worse than last year with the suspect offensive line and lack of any good power running backs (except Moe Williams, but they’ll never run him 25 times in a game).
Speaking of offensive line, the line will be the barometer of the season. If the Vikings can find a way to have just an average line, we’ll be a legit 11-12 win team. If the line sucks up a storm, we’ll be another 8-8 team.

The defense is supposed to be a whole hell of a lot better with fatass Pat Williams and Fred Smoot. Basically a little girl with a butterfly net is better than whatever kind of crappy defense we had last year. Also we have Darren Sharper who has a really cool last name (how can a name like ‘Sharper’ have any bad connotations to it?)
I have to remain objective so I’ll say that if the Vikings DON’T win the division Mike Tice should have his ass kicked out the door. The offense and defense is there all we need is Tice to fuck with it now.


Chicago @ Washington
I don't know. Do you guys know? I pick Washington because… I have Clinton Portis on my team.
Redskins 20 Bears 13

Cincinnati @ Cleveland
I’m thinking of a Drew Carey opening with “CLEVELAND SUCKS! CLEVELAND SUCKS!” and they totally do
Bengals 31 Browns 10

Denver @ Miami
I honestly think that Miami is a better team with two potentially good running backs and Gus Frerrote. I think these two teams could change uniforms and it would be close to identical too. I think that would be sweet!
Dolphins 24 Broncos 6

Houston @ Buffalo
I like the Texans this year. Young offensive talent and an emerging defense. Then Buffalo has _______ as a quarterback. Buffalo is at home so they win based on that.
Bills 17 Texans 13

New Orleans @ Carolina
Teams usually find ways to unite for their city and fan during times of crisis. I think (and I’ll be careful with this) that the Saints will become the ‘America’s team’ for 2005. They’re like NFL refugees. Uh, they’ll lose this game though.
Panthers 1,000 Saints 9

NY Jets @ Kansas City
I don’t know a thing about the Jets. I couldn’t tell you how good or bad they’ll be. Same goes for the Chiefs. I don’t follow these teams because I don’t care.
Chiefs 28 Jets 23

Seattle @ Jacksonville
I remember that Seattle was “The Sexiest Pick of 2004” everyone picked the Seahawks to go 16-0. This year they didn’t even lose that many people (except Koren Robinson) and are ignored. I guess they fell on a rake and are not sexy anymore.
Seahawks 24 Jaguars 13

Tennessee @ Pittsburgh
I would like to think that the Steelers will win this game even with a rookie starting in their backfield. Ben Rothlesberger has to really suck this year because he’s way to damn cocky. Tennessee needs to change their ugly jerseys and wear something that little kids can sleep into. ???? I don’t know either.
Steelers 20 Titans 14

Arizona @ NY Giants
I hope Eli Manning never wins another game. I think him and Ben Rothlesberger should both be verbally abused by their parents… and possibly Peyton.
Giants 13 Cards 10

Dallas @ San Diego
I think every fantasy owner in the world came into their draft with Julius Jones being their sleeper pick. Everyone was like, “I’m so gonna steal that dude in the 2nd round.” which would’ve worked wonders if it was Torry Holt or something.
Chargers 23 Cowboys 17

Green Bay @ Detroit
I would like to think that the Packers will lose. I really do. It’s just that stupid Brett fucking Favre is always there to mess up my predictions. Unfortunately go with the Packers based on my grandmas 90th birthday today (she’s a big Packers fan).

St. Louis @ San Francisco
Play every god damn Ram player you have on your team. Take the Ram’s mailman if he’s still available because the 49ers will lose. By a lot.
Rams 38 49ers 13

Indianapolis @ Baltimore
No way do I go against the colts. Hello ‘98 Vikes.
Colts 27 Ravens 13

Philadelphia @ Atlanta
This year I can safely bash away at Mike Vick because I think last year he got lucky being so healthy all the time. Kordell Stewart was also a fast, tricky quarterback and he ended up having a hall of fame career and I ended up getting a Kordell Stewart jersey.

Tampa Bay @ Minnesota
If the vikes don’t’ win this game the fans will probably burn Mike Tice on a stake. He shouldn’t lose this game though. I repeat HE SHOULN’T LOSE THIS GAME!
Vikes 27 Bucs 17

Here’s what everyone else crappy pics are….Ah… just pretend there’s some real damn good content in the four inches of nothing space between here and the grid. For my benefit anyway. (Edit: baaah, more like a thousand, million inches. It's down there somewhere.)

Denver @ MiamiBroncosBroncosBroncosBroncosDolphins
Tennessee @ PittsburghTitansSteelersSteelersSteelersSteelers
Chicago @ WashingtonRedskinsRedskinsBearsBearsRedskins
New Orleans @ CarolinaPanthersPanthersSaintsPanthersPanthers
Seattle @ JacksonvilleSeahawksJaguarsSeahawksJaguarsSeahawks
Houston @ BuffaloBillsBillsTexansTexansBills
Cincinnati @ ClevelandBrownsBengalsBengalsBengalsBengals
Tampa Bay @ MinnesotaVikingsVikingsVikingsVikingsVIKINGS!
NY Jets @ Kansas CityJetsChiefsChiefsChiefsChiefs
Green Bay @ DetroitPackersPackersPackersPackersPackers
Dallas @ San DiegoChargersChargersCowboysChargersChargers
St Louis @ San FranciscoRamsRams49ersRamsRams
Arizona @ NY GiantsCardinalsCardinalsGiantsCardinalsGiants
Indianapolis @ BaltimoreColtsColtsRavensRavensColts
Philadelphia @ AtlantaFalconsEaglesEaglesFalconsEagles
Last Weeksuckedhorribleworthlessbad weekDoritos

1 comment:

Hannes said...

We all suck at this, the best any one of us came up with is 8-7 so far haha.