we're not romeo we're not juliet
how long does it take to fill this emptyness
we're just two lost souls and baby we got no regrets
we don't wanna say bye-bye
We’re nothing unless we try
Bwahahahhaa god damn do the Packers suck. Bwahahhahahahah
1. Drunken Boof
Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce you to drunken Boof, happy and incapable of any feelings other than constant happiness. Hugs are given around and anything goes.
The problem with drunken Boof is that he lacks any other emotion other than happiness. If there are any taboo topics for certain people (and everyone has at least one) for instance, someone’s mother may have passed away recently and therefore I would try to avoid that subject all the time. Another person may hate or not get along with someone else, so one would try to avoid bringing the two together.
This is way waaaay beyond the comprehension of Drunken Boof because the thinking is, ‘hey, if I’m happy, everything is great and fine’ which is basically delusional behavior. If he was to see someone he knows at the bar, instead of avoiding the taboo subjects, he’ll greet his friend with something like,
“HEY MAN!!!! THAT TOTALLY SUCKS MY ASS THAT YOUR MOM DIED AND EVERYTHING!!!” which is not exactly avoiding the subject now is it? Also Drunken Boof will try to take two people and act as Sally Jessy Raphael and bring two people who hate each other and try to mend things because Boof is so happy. Then there’s the rubbing of my head and the yelling.
If nothing else though, drunken Boof has a great time at the bar!
2. People who brag about weightlifting
“Yeah those weight machines at Lifetime, I maxed them out because my legs are da bizomb. I would do the hip sled at 1200 lbs and after three sets of ten, my legs wouldn’t even be sore.”
I actually have heard this by three different people who weren’t football players and no where near the body size to be mistaken for Rudy. What they are saying has got to be complete bullshit because I consider my legs to be freakin strong and I can only do about 400 on the hip sled and nothing near 1200lbs. In fact 1200lbs will probably give my tendons the reaction of “What the fuck are you doing? We can’t do that much weight! We go snap now.” What’s worse is that they exaggerate the whole nine yards with the three sets crap. 1200lbs., what the fuck? Unless they’ve got terrible form they gotta be full shit.
Then they tell me that the guys at the gym pressure them into lifting that much. For instance I would be at the chest press doing my typical 110 lbs when some big ass steroid using wrestler will tell me to come over to his bench where he’s got 500lbs and says,
“Hey man come over here and bench this. Don’t be a pussy!” which apparently would make a lot of people walk over and attempt weight that is way more than they’re used to. I know for a fact I would respond with,
“You’re fucking crazy man.” Well, maybe without the “fuck” anyways.
3. August Bucsh IV in those Budweiser Select commercials.
He must be the leader of the metrosexuals because he looks and has that same smuggy smirk that Joe Bucks gives. Interestingly enough, Budweiser is a major sponser of the Cardinals baseball club and Buck actually does the TV play-by-play, so I wonder if they stroke their egos during their time off.
I bet they do. Not that I know August Busch IV very well because I have only seen like 20 collective seconds of him on those commercials, but he looks like the local chapter leader of the ‘I-am-so-awesome’ club. I bet August comes in to the play-by-play booth during Cardinals games to talk to Buck between innings and they exchange their black rimmed framed glasses, talk clothes, and what the best way to part their hair is. Then they make out.
I don’t know, if they were gay I think they would make a great couple business and (potential) personality wise. That’s a whole lot of smugness though!
Why are all brew masters named August?
4. When dreams come true
I’m talking about wedding photos with this title. UGH lets just try and make people throw up. Maybe it’s just that when I hear this phrase it’s in reference to someone doing something unbelievable or miraculous. I would hold this phrase true if I was to marry Sara Evans or something because that would definitely be a dream come true and not for a “regular” wedding because lets not get carried away here.
Dreams come true when I find five bucks in an old pair of jeans or when I find extra fries hidden away in the bottom of the Wendy’s bag. I think in protest, I will name half of the pictures I have “Dreams do come true” just for spite.
Happy birthday to me today!!!