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Tuesday, October 11, 2005

The Consultation

Homicide is tying yellow ribbons
around her silver Airstream.
Red cherries slashing up the night
cutting through that cordoned crime scene.
There's been a murder in the trailer park tonight.

Last Friday, eye clinic 10am

After sitting in three different rooms and having eye eyes heavily diluted and having to wake up slightly early the nurse had me wait in one of the exam rooms to watch the “LASIK” introduction video. The video had all those super happy white collar bastards who always seem to be doing fun and exciting stuff.

Welcome to the world of LASIC: A revolution in eye correction.
Woman on TV giving a testimonial: I never thought that such a surgery would be so life changing as this was. I just get such a thrill about seeing the alarm clock in the morning.

Me thinking to myself: hmmm, that’s what I said.

Then the video shows this high corporate young executive coming home from a long days work at the office. He’s donning a pair of Harry Carey-esque thick black framed magnifying glasses.
Office bastard: Oh honey, I can’t take these things anymore. They weigh 5 pounds and I just can’t STAND the feeling with contacts.
Money grubbing bitch wife: Oh honey my girlfriends were talking about this fascinating new surgery that can allow you to get rid of--

I then started to fast forward the tape to see if I there was anything cool at the end of the video like special features or an in depth look at “The Making of LASIK 4 U” but no. Plus, the dilation of my eyes was really setting in and I couldn’t see much anyway.

“Ah Tom, come with me” says the nurse

I’m taken to the actual Doctor’s room where he comes and gives one last final look at my eyes.

The nurse is currently in the room looking at my file from ten years of visiting the place.

“Ohhhh-kay and it looks like you’re gooooo-wait, okay. Okay it says here that you were hit in the eye with a…what?”
“Oh, it was a superball.” I responded.

“Wo- How di- okay, how did you get hit in the eye with a superball?”

“Seven years ago me and a couple friends were stuck in this small, empty gymnasium and all we had was one small superball to which we bounced around. My friend ran as fast as he could to the wall and threw the ball against the wall and the superball shot right off the wall and right at my left eye. I guess my chance for glaucoma greatly increased because of that.”

“Now did you get any compensation or anything for such a blow?”

“They gave me the superball.”

“Oh. Okay, I’ll be right back”

Fuck, I knew that day was going to haunt me! God damn superball fucking blowing my chance to get away from this crap. Dammit!

What seemed to be an hour later, the doctor finally walks in to check this superball fucked up eye.

“When you were in here a month ago, I didn’t know you had such ah, ah…-how shall I say it-ailment. Well, you’re cornea has been ripped in two places, but it’s no concern. It’s just…How-never mind.” (Doctor didn't know yet it's been in my file for 8 years (???))

“Okay with any of my patients there is a very slight risk in this operation. As with all patients of LASIK, I could make you blind.”

Gaaah, don’t tell me that. I know that. Just don’t say it like that. Maybe, “yeah, I could…” nah, there’s no real good way to say something like that.

“You’re going to need a ride home and take off of work because your vision wont be 100% and you may be heavily sedated. Other than that, we’ll see you on Tuesday!”

******************

So I’ll be sitting around on Tuesday trying to watch tv or trying to walk somewhere slightly sedated.
I could be handicapped for a day! What fun.

3 comments:

bigg_pappa said...

Sounds like the beginning to this one really good.....um, adult? movie, or at least it could be. There is a market for that, for sure!

Comedy+naked babes with the token penis thrown in (simply as a prop; of course)

Aliecat said...

Man, I wish I could be heavily sedated and have a laser pointed at my retina. Oh, wait, no I don't...I have an eye thing...

Orbitron19 said...

Dude, I'm afraid for you! He didn't realize that your cornea was f-d up and now he's lasering it! Yikes! (But let me know how it goes--I fucking hate my contacts!)