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Monday, October 31, 2005

Crap and Urination

One of them bullets went straight for the jugular vein
There were people running , a flash of light
Then everything changed

Lets get right down to it.

Crap List

1. Jim Tressel
I’m all for gay rights and I never use the term “gay” to mean anything bad, but there’s only one word to describe the way Jim Tressel trots out to mid field at the end of any game.
It’s the whole look: the vest, the Lego hair, and that smug trot. I’m sorry, the whole act just looks extremely faggy. One could almost make an observation like,
There’s Jim Tressel faggily trotting over to mid field .

I don’t know, It just looks a little odd.

2. Elizabethtown
I had to see it just for my own curiosity. I wanted to watch the movie, see My Morning Jacket, and think, “Hey, I just saw those guys last night.” because when would one ever say that? It also seemed like a decent movie according to the trailer.

Twenty minutes into the movies I really had to piss. I didn’t want to leave because I didn’t want to miss the rest of the movie and I didn’t want to make a scene because I was on the other end of the theatre. So I held it.
Through the establishment of the Dunst/Bloom relationship-held it
Through the tears-faggily crossed my legs and held it.
Through the kissing-held it.

At one point I saw someone leave the theatre because it was either so bad or he was in the same predicament I was. I looked at that guy in extreme envy because at that point my only fantasy involved a chest high wall of porcelain. What was even worse is that Patty Griffin sings “Moon River” AT. THE. VERY. END. OF. THE CREDITS. And I had to hear it.
Movie ended, terrible movie, and now I’m sitting through the credits. Blah, blah,blah and man I have never had to piss so bad in my life. Everyone left the theatre except for me who felt the need to push down at my crotch in a constipated expression on my face. While doing this I was carefully listening to the credit music.

That movie had a ton of credits dedicated to music and it took for-fucking-ever. Finally, Moon River and I closed my eyes and tried to absorb the music. Aaaah the sweet sounds of Patty Griffin-whoa. My urethra was crying because…my bladder was on F.
Eureka it’s over and now I have another problem, what exactly will happen when I stand up? I was afraid that once I stand up, like a un kinked garden hose, I would violently begin pissing right there in the theatre.

I got up and there was no pissing, but my body cried out with “what the hell were you thinking?” and gave me some hardcore cramps. I galloped to the bathroom and that feeling.
Oh that had to be one of the best feelings ever and it was definitely in the top five for top pissing performances.

It was wonderful. Ah…but yeah, the whole experience sucked.

3. People who place books on their desk to show that they care about their job.
I’m talking about the person that feels the need to show off their “Powerful Team Building For a More Profitable Company” type books. They have a handful of these books delicately placed all around their desk as if they want everyone to know how dedicated they are.

Does that shit actually work? Does a boss come around and think,
“Hmmm Francis looks like he reads books about his job. It’s a good think he placed those books on his desk because otherwise I wouldn’t know. I’m going to give him a raise.”
If that’s the case then I’m going to continue wearing glasses, build me a huge bookcase and fill it with every phony book around, and dress up in a suit everyday for my job…in construction. Then I’ll be working days and it will prove that the boss is a true idiot.

Happy Halloween everyone!


BiggPappa said...

What is your Halloween costume? I am told I need to be a shark. I kind of like that, in fact.

Hannes said...

You went to see Elizabethtown by yourself? And you absolutely couldn't find anything at all better to do than that over the weekend? Man, Minnesota sounds boring!

Boof said...

nah I saw that movie on Sunday night and who the hell else would want to see that movie?

Orbitron19 said...

I won't comment on you going to see an Orlando Bloom movie, but AMEN to the Jim Tressel comment! I can't wait until the Wolverines wipe that smug-ass grin off his face! (Wanna buy a fantasy quarterback?)