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Monday, October 10, 2005

Edward 40-Hands

Please allow me to introduce myself
I’m a man of wealth and taste
I’ve been around for a long, long year
Stole many a man’s soul and faith

(Closed circuit) Hey Ron, next time you're in Ann Arbor, be sure to take a picture of the Little Brown Ju--oh wait, that's right bwahahahahahahaha. I only say that because it will be another 16 years before I can say that again.

So last Saturday I ventured down to Hog’s place in St. Peter for the biannual “drunk fest” held at his apartment. There’s no invitations, no plans, in fact is isn’t known until someone walks in his kitchen and gets that certain look in their eye…and they spot the tequila.

I assumed it was going to be a solid weekend of poker and football and I definitely wasn’t planning on getting “stupid drunk”, but alas, my plan was foiled by the spiteful goofballs who lost right away in poker and the game of “Edward 40-hands”.

Hog told me to bring a roll of duct tape and would refuse to tell me what it was for. Instead he would give this evil laugh as if he was planning on raping us that night. The game of Edward 40-hands is where you have others duct tape a 40 to each of your hands. Only until both are gone is when you can be relieved of the 40’s. If you happened to be in St. Peter and you saw the glimpse of 4 people with duct taped 40’s in their hands, that was us. Actually I was playing Edward 12-hands because I can’t handle 80 fucking ounces of malt liquor. Christ.

Crap List

1. People Who Litter
I downright cannot stand people who litter. People who are SO GOD DAMN LAZY that they simply throw their can of pop out the window. People who throw their cigarette butt out the window because “everyone else does it” or “hey, they’re biodegradable”. Well, I don’t know about you guys but I love looking at a big ass pile of cigarette butts on the side of Snelling and Co rd B or any other bastard intersection where you could wait and bake a cake in your car.
Laziness at it’s worst and everyone has to look at the shit you were too lazy to throw away for months to come.

2. Stupid little gimmicky restaurants
Basically I don’t like them because they’ll have mozzarella sticks on their menu for $4 and they give you 4 damn sticks of mozzarella goodness and laugh at you when you’re done. That and they put a tv everywhere, so it’s an early requirement to have ADD if there are 28 televisions in all directions. Usually the burgers at these joints are terrible and $6 as well. I could’ve played monopoly and been full for about that amount. So disappointing.

3. Ben Stiller
I was going to place the White Sox on this list but after seeing Ben Stiller, he’s got to be in this list. I think Ben Stiller is the most overrated “Comedian” ever. I never thought he was funny in anything he’s been in and he plays the same pathetic character in half of his movies. The only time he’s been vaguely funny is his role in Happy Gilmour. Meet the Parents, I wanted him to beat the shit out of Robert Di Nero. Something about Mary, dump the loopy, ugly, overrated Mary and find someone else. After all, if the new Jesus left her, she must not be that great.


Aliecat said...

Ugh, I couldn't agree more about Ben Stiller. He makes the same goddamn movie over and over again and we're all supposed to just eat the shit he shovels with a smile on our face. I hate him.

Eric Wormann said...

My friend Stacy went to the Yankee game last night. $24 for parking. Twenty friggin four. Dollars. American. I hate being a Yankee fan.

Orbitron19 said...

I hope you enjoyed that once a generation win. I guess the UM equipment manager got sick of lugging the thing around every year only to bring it back to the office. Just know that you wil get a Maize & Blue smackdown next year! The last time Michigan had a season this bad, they followed it up with a National Championship!