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Monday, October 17, 2005

A Minnesota Football Rant

And if you don't love me now
You will never love me again
I can still hear you saying
You would never break the chain

There’s way too much to bitch about in the topic of Minnesota football that I really need to organize a nice rant.

Gophers
So I’m lounging around the apartment on Saturday late-morning watching this game. At one point the gophers were up by ten points and running all over the Badgers. My buddies call me up and want to set up a football game, so I gotta do that since I haven’t played since May. At the end of the third quarter and after the two huge running plays by Maroney and Russel I figured, the game is more or less over. The Gopher defense was playing great, the Gopher running game is dominating, and they were up by ten with the ball at the start of the 4th quarter.

After playing football I come back to my computer and see a score of 38-34 with the Gophers wasting it away in the final seconds.
Typical. After a huge win the team follows it up with a stupid loss.

What really ticks me off is that the game is: yes, nationally televise and yes, they briefly mention that the Wisco/Minne game is the oldest rivalry in football but it never sinks in when anyone mentions that tidbit.
What I’m trying to get at is the Gopher football team has so much tradition that no one knows about because they never look back on their rich tradition.

For instance,
-Gophers have won more national championships than Alabama, FSU, Ohio St., Nebraska, Miami, and just as many as USC and Michigan.
-1934 team was considered to be the best team ever.
-U of M Head coach, Dr. Henry Williams was largely credited with establishing the forward pass in football
-Credited with founding the idea of having marching band halftime shows
-Credited with the use of cheerleaders for sporting events
-Minnesota/ Wisconsin is the oldest rivalry in college football and the third most played.
-19th all time in wins (keep in mind that the team has sucked for 40 years)

(Sources)http://www.collegefootballhistory.com/golden_gophers/history.htm
http://www.cfrc.com/

But you would never know that if you were a lukewarm fan of the program. Despite all that *rich* tradition, the program is a bit of a mockery and the university itself doesn’t seem to give a damn. This isn’t the reason why they suck, I put that blame on the past coaches and Glen Mason, but it could be established a little more.

So why is all that information so unknown? Why would a university somewhat ignore that history? I had season tickets (student season tickets= $40, no shit) and nowhere do you even notice anything resembling such tradition. Nowhere. Granted, the dome sucks ass, but good lord.

I don’t know, with all those troubles in recruiting by not having an on campus open air stadium (which is legit) the history could be pointed out to both recruits and fans.

Then the big rant…

Vikings
This is mostly concerned with that whole raging boat sex party they allegedly had last week.

Ok,

ARE YOU GUYS THAT FUCKING STUPID? Yeah, I can see how a group of underachieving guys could want to relax and a lake and -literally- fuck around, but god damn there are better ways to go through with it.

For example,

One Viking player (or representative) meets with a boat owner to gather information about renting a couple boats for a weekend.

Viking representative steps into the boat owner’s office.
Boat Owner (BO): Hello sir, how can I help you?
Viking Representative (VR) shakes hand and embraces BO: I’m great, I would like to talk to you about your rates for a boating party.
BO sits down with the VR: Absolutely, we have many boats of all sizes to rent out for all different types of get-togethers.
VR: Okay, well what I was thinking of is having roughly about 90 people with a bunch of members of the Minnesota Vikings football team…
BO pleasantly surprised by the though of Viking players interested in renting his boat because he‘s big Vikings fan himself: Sure, no problem
VR: …and we would have a few cocktails of course.
BO: Absolutely! I have plenty of waiters and waitresses for all your needs.
VR:…and there would be a lot of women
BO: yeah, no problem.
VR: Okay great, I think we’re on the same page here. Here’s what I’m envisioning now,
BO: by all means
VR: We all hop on board the boats where we eat some finger foods, drink some drinks, and start out having a great time.
BO: done
VR: Then we cast off at around 7pm…
BO: done
VR: Then the strippers take their tops off
BO: wuh?
VR: Then the football players start eating them out
BO stunned: guh?
VR: Stay with me here. Then, of course, there will be some old fashioned sex on the dance floor and a lot more of the sex orally.
BO: excuse me?
VR: and then the circle jerk, fetish room, and “limp biscuit-ing”.
BO stunned
VR: And do you know what a “freight train” is?
BO: Ok, what the hell are you talking about?
VR: Then at around 10pm we finish up, come back to the dock, and go home. What would something like that cost us?

BO: ah…hahaha well, a typical catered boat ride for 90 would be about $50,000, but this isn‘t a “typical“ boat ride now is it? Then the staff would need to be paid double time with such “extra” activities going on. Of course this isn’t a ‘normal’ boat ride so I’m going to tack on another $25,000 based on the activities. Then I would have to call a bio cleaning specialist to disinfect and clean my boats and that would take all day and a crew of 8, so that would be around $50,000 for the work, materials, and the waist. The whole thing will be a cool million if you are willing to pay that much.

VR: yeah I see, how bout we knock that down about-
BO: No, that’s non negotiable.

At that point, it would be cool, but it didn’t exactly go down like that.

I mean if you’re a player on that boat, knowing how well known you are and all the shit that has gone on with your franchise, wouldn’t you think a little bit before you start boat bangin in public? How the fuck could these players be this stupid?

What the hell is wrong with this franchise?

-Randy Moss gets traded for being an off field problem and then half the team has a giant raging sex party flotilla.
-Kelly Campbell is pulled over for having an illegal firearm
-Kevin Williams is arrested for domestic abuse
-Onterrio Smith is suspended for 4 games for substance abuse and then a year after he tested positive AGAIN later that year.
-Vikings address their lack of decent LB’s by…doing nothing.
-Vikings come into the season being potential super bowl picks and then 6 weeks later being arguably the worst team in the league
-Vikings let go of their offensive coordinator to the dolphins because… an assistant coach should not make more than the head coach
-Then the next offensive coordinator is also given the duty of offensive line coach in an effort to save money.
-Vikings back their way into the playoffs by losing 3 of the last 4 games of the season.

And that’s all I can think of. If you want to stretch that out for a decade, be my guest and make sure keep the novel in chapters.

Then for the game,
The game sucked but specifically one play just stumped me.

Two wide outs left with the TE being one of them and one wide out right. Culpepper takes three steps back and throws a near lateral to Wiggins where he catches it and get tackled right away.

This is nearly the same play that a QB throws to actual wide receivers when someone plays ten yards off and they can jook them at the line and gain ten yards. I’m not a huge football guru but I believe the play is designed as a quick, 3-step option in response to a huge defensive blitz. It’s designed for a talented receiver and NOT 260lbs Jermaine Wiggins.

Throwing to Wiggins in this situation is like throwing at a giant cement column from twenty feet away.
So…who in the god damn hell designed this fucking play? A quick pass to Wiggins? You gotta be kidding me. That’s one of the stupidest fucking plays I have ever seen. I think I saw that same play on a cell phone commercial and maybe out offensive consultant figured it would be good to attempt.

Good god.

I do have some good news though. I totally beat the living crap out of Hog’s team in fantasy football. Remember that analogy I made last week with my team being a guy being chained up in a giant castle (yeah, that one)? Well the dude broke the chains, single handedly destroyed the castle, bicycle kicked the fucker that chained him up, and made love to all the female peasants in the kingdom.
Yeah, it was that epic.

Tomorrow I have my big hypothetical “what happened” story from last week at the sex boat party.

2 comments:

Hog said...

God damn does my team suck or what?

I'm going to bring in some consultants to help me out. First I need a QB coach, I'm thinking Sean Salsbury since he knows everything there is to know about football.

Next a RB coach. Who better than former Bears running back Rashaan Salaam.

For a WR consultant, I'm going to have to go with Chris Collinsworth, because like Sean, he knows everything.

My TE is cool and my kicker would get some advice from Donald Igwebekwe, just cause I like his name and I think he kicked without a shoe. Kicked without a fucking shoe.

Then I think for picking my starting lineup, I'm going to pick the opposite from who i think should start. Hell, it worked for Gearge Costanza, so why not with me?

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