Tried a little bit of everything
But it's all sex without love
I found the real thing is poundcake
[CUE: Top Gun guitar theme]
There comes a time in every man’s life where they feel constrained inside their own little world where one is never allowed to dream. The type of place where you’re chained up inside a large castle’s tower screaming for help and the crow looks at you like a damn fool. There’s no women, no wild crazy sex flotillas, not even a gas station sandwich. Hope is not in the vocabulary.
Then the next morning between the stones of that tall castle wall comes something that only happens once every blue moon. You wake up from those chains to realize it’s the faint glimmer of sunlight that struggles to catch your brow. This sunlight is the weak ray of mediocrity that I’ll be facing this week.
Because this weekend is…
The President’s Cup III: The battle for mediocre mediocrity
Al Michaels: Coming into this weekends suck-a-thon comes two teams that have seen better days with Hog’s Goodfellas and Boof’s “Frank M.”. The teams come into this weekend with a combined record of 0-9-1.
John Madden: buh huhuh yeah Al that’s, excuse my French, horse shit. I mean if you were to look at the word “horse shit” in the dictionary you’d find the loser of this ugly match between these two teams. Boom! Ace it the place for hardware.
Al: The only glimmer of hope between these two teams has been that tie that Hog’s team had over the real life “Frank M” and as for the team “Frank M”, there doesn’t seem to be any hope at all. Their claim to fame this year was in week 2 when they scored league weekend low of 24 points.
John: buh huh Yeah ah Mike-er Al the head coach of “Frank M”, Boof, is definitely in the midst of a controversial season ever since he lost that bid for presidency. Buh heh gah huh I mean right now “Frank M” is pretty much just a pile of Deer shit.
Al: These two coaches, Hog and Boof, as you may remember were running for President in 2004 when both campaigns stuffed their own ballots and then whined about the timing of when they did so. As the bickering went on they took their fighting in a more organized manner in fantasy football where both teams had their share of victory. This year though, they find themselves meeting in week 6 with winless records.
John: buh huh Yeah it got pretty ugly last year and neither of them were close to being president with a combined total of something like 25 votes. Heh buh huh These two teams are about as pathetic as they come.
Al: That’s right my fat, senile friend this match today will determine which team is pathetic and which team is slightly mediocre in the third President’s Cup
Anyway, last week… picks sucked.
Jacksonville @ Pittsburgh
I wanna see this game too. The NFC should just quit with there being like 6 teams like these in the AFC. I gotta go Steelers because they’re at home.
Steelers 27 Jags 13
Miami @ Tampa Bay
For some reason it seems like these two teams always seem to play each other. I don’t know why. Hmm I’m picking Miami because Tampa screwed things up for me last week. That’s right, a spite pick
Dolphins 17 Bucs 14
Cleveland @ Baltimore
Baltimore screwed it up for me last week as well. How the hell could Baltimore and their gang banger defense not kill Joey Harrington? I mean how the hell is that possible? I’m sorry Brian Billick can go screw himself for such a loss to Joey.
Browns 17 Ravens 10
Atlanta @ New Orleans
Perhaps the Falcons with that Shaub-or whatever- at quarterback isn’t that bad. I mean they made a pretty good game against the team that God couldn’t beat. My Dad last week commented about the Saints loss to the Packers (because he’s a lifelong Packer fan) about why the Saints wouldn’t be that good this year.
Boof: Well they don’t really have a home.
Dad laughing: haha I mean I thought they were supposed to be really good.
Boof: Dad, they literally don’t have a home. The Superdome was screwed up from that whole Katrina/Rita mess remember?
Dad: aahh, well it looks like the Pack is back right?
Boof: ah… no.
Falcons 45 Saints 10
NY Giants @ Dallas
It’s this god damn NFC East that’s screwing all my picks up. Is Dallas good or are they an up and comer? Is NY good or wittle bitty Eli gonna keep breastfeeding? I don’t have a clue.
Cowboys 31 Giants 16
Carolina @ Detroit
Joey’s gotta screw this up for me this week against my Carolina defense. I want him to throw 5 ints and two of them to go back for touchdowns.
Lions 24 Panthers 16
Cincinnati @ Tennessee
Tennessee is another one of those teams that I can’t figure out. Are they good or do they suck.
Bengals 28 Titans 24
Washington @ Kansas City
?????? No idea.
Chiefs 31 Redskins 27
New England @ Denver
I haven’t been paying attention to Denver at all this year. I figured they’d be sucking it up, but lone and behold they have a 4-1 record. I couldn’t believe it, so I picked up their defense thinking that it would be better than Arizona’s. It better be anyways.
Patriots 24 Broncos 17
NY Jets @ Buffalo
The Jets suck…and so does Buffalo. Buffalo is at home though.
Bills 20 Jets 13
San Diego @ Oakland
Bwahahaha the Vikings let go of Moss because he was too much of a distraction away from the field. Bwahahahahahahaha if that’s the case they should’ve kicked off half the team.
Chargers 42 Raiders 24
Houston @ Seattle
Sean Alexander runs all over Houston. And done
Alexander 28 Houston 17
St. Louis @ Indianapolis
Ok THIS has to be the game that the Colts break out of that defensive funk and throw 17 touchdowns and totally cram it down the Rams’ throats. Marc Bulger will have his typical 450 yards passing, garbage game too.
Colts 38 Rams 25
Minnesota @ Chicago
How the hell could I honestly pick the Vikings in this game. They have that big boat sex party under investigation and Tice is right in the middle of everything. Don’t even mention the fact that Tice said he didn’t know who was going to call the offensive plays (out of four different people)as of Wednesday. I really can’t give the Vikings that much of a chance. If they do win though , I bet they celebrate with a little boat trip on Lake Minnetonka. Or maybe not.
Bears 21 Vikings 9
I didn’t win last week in picks and Hannes actually has me beat overall, but I can feel things are changing. Especially if no one sends in their picks. C’mon guys, you’re killing my Friday dealy-O.
|Jacksonville @ Pittsburgh||Jaguars||Steelers||Steelers||Steelers|
|Miami @ Tampa Bay||Bucs||Dolphins||Dolphins||Dolphins|
|Cleveland @ Baltimore||Ravens||Ravens||Ravens||Browns|
|Atlanta @ New Orleans||Falcons||Falcons||Falcons||Falcons|
|NY Giants @ Dallas||Giants||Cowboys||Giants||Cowboys|
|Carolina @ Detroit||Panthers||Panthers||Panthers||Lions|
|Cincinnati @ Tennessee||Titans||Bengals||Bengals||Bengals|
|Washington @ Kansas City||Redskins||Chiefs||Chiefs||Chiefs|
|New England @ Denver||Patriots||Patriots||Patriots||Patriots|
|NY Jets @ Buffalo||Jets||Bills||Bills||Bills|
|San Diego @ Oakland||Chargers||Raiders||Chargers||Chargers|
|Houston @ Seattle||Texans||Seahawks||Seahawks||Seahawks|
|St. Louis @ Indianapolis||Rams||Colts||Colts||Colts|
|Minnesota @ Chicago||Bears||Bears||Vikings||Bears|