And through the range finder over the hill
I saw the front line boys popping their pills
Sick of the mess they find
On their desert stage
And the bravery of being out of range
A completely fictional story by Boof
Plans were being made to winterize The Elena: Queen of Hearts by simply moving the paddlewheel boat down to Memphis for the winter. Captain Bill owned Elana and the sheer joy of leaving the cold for the winter was refreshing and exhilarating just for the change of scenery alone.
“I hear the winter is supposed to be warmer than usual this year.” said lil’ Billy, Captain Bill’s only grandson of 13.
“Well Billy, sometimes Grandpa just needs to get the fuck outta here. It’s too fucking cold up here and grandpa and grandma can’t take it.” replied Bill in his typical blunt manner. Cap’n Bill never cared about being PC and he never cared about censorship. Whenever someone called him on his overuse of the word “fuck” he’d just reply with an excuse referring to his age or the fact that he’s been a captain on the river for 50 years. Not to mention he didn’t really give a fuck anyways.
“Grandpa Bill, we have some clients for next Tuesday!” said an old voice from the next room inside of their giant boat.
“Anyone we know of?” yelled Captain Bill.
“I don’t think so. It’s reserved under someone’s name and it’s sounds like it may be a family thing.” said the old woman from across the hall.
“Ooooh does that mean we can work at that party” Said an excited Lil’ Billy
“Darla and I can serve the food and Mom can serve the adult drinks and stuff!” Without any doubt Bill was going to ask for help from his willing and nearby family for this date. After all they were available and they worked cheap, which was the real reason why Bill wanted them to work at the party in the first place. If someone wanted to work for free, they'd get preference over his own family.
Come Tuesday everything was set. The alcohol was already delivered and on board, the decorations were set, and all the staff made up of family was ready for this group of fifty for an intimate time on the river.
At 6:30 limos start driving up to the main landing where huge 6’5 (and bigger) men lunged out of the limo with a comparably small 5’5 elegantly dressed woman at their side. There was something strange and familiar with these unusually big men approaching the Elena. Either this family had strage pituitary glands or it was simply an amazing coincidence that some of these guys were huge. Another set of limos arrived with some other men who weren’t as fat but certainly as tall or taller and they must have been part of the boat party as well.
One thing about everyone was that they were all very respectful and dressed very elegantly. All conversations seemed very respectful and no one raised a voice. It was almost as if it were a higher class of people all together.
Captain Bill and his daughter Wendy was waiting at the gate to help the passengers on board and his grand children were helping out preparing the food in the back kitchen.
Once everyone was on the boat Wendy would be sure that everyone had a chance to serve everyone who wanted a quick glass of Champaign or a brandy. Once again, everyone was very respectful and showing a manners of high class citizens. Over the PA system Captain Bill welcomes everyone and announces that The Elena is departing from dock. Everyone responds with delightful applause and quickly proceeds to the side of the boat to witness the massive boat leaving the dock.
The kids were now offering finger foods to the clients and again, everyone was very friendly to lil’ Billy and his sister by giving them generous tips and easy smiles. Once the party seemed to be in control the kids and Wendy decided to check up on Captain Bill who was still controlling the boat against the forceful Mississippi current.
“How the hell is everything going back there?” yelled Bill
“Fine, these are a great group of people. They tip well and they are well behaved. I almost think this is the best group we’ve had.”
Just after that word a loud muffled,
“LET’S GET THIS SHIT STARTED Y’ALL!” by someone in the back and immediately everyone started getting loud and applauding.
“WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?” shouted Cap’t Bill
“I don’t know, let me check up on them. Kid’s, wait here for a second.” said Wendy
Wendy didn’t suspect anything wrong, probably just someone pulling a prank or giving someone an unusual toast or something. Wendy headed back to the gallery where the noise never seemed to stop. There was also loud music coming from the back. “What the hell is happening” thought Wendy.
As Wendy turned the corner to the gallery a thick scent engulfed her nose. “Whoah” muttered Wendy as she immediately tried to protect her nose from the thick scent of whatever it is. This scent was framiliar to Wendy, but she just couldn’t remember. “What is it? Oh. My. God.” she just remembered. It was the thick scent of sex she had be engulfed with. Sure enough the small intamate party had turned into a giant free-for-all and half of the guests were without shirts (including the women without their tops) and things were beyond anyone’s control.
“What’s going on Mom? What’s that smell?” Wendy turned around and there was ‘lil Billy just about to come and see this huge inferno of a party around the corner.
“BILLY! You have to go back to Grandpa right away! I’ll handle it, but please go back and wait until I get back!” Wendy said sternly.
“What the living fuck is going on here?” from what sounded like a crotchety old man from around the corner.
“Dad! Go back to the wheel! I got this.”
“FUCK THAT, I want to see what the fuck is going on back here.”
“No dad don’t-” and sure enough he nearly stepped in the middle of a giant sex circus going on.
Right next to him there was a woman bent over to the mid section of a half clothed 6’10 huge beast man. Bill’s jaw dropped when a small man approached him with his arms shrugged and said,
“hehe IT IS WHAT IT IS! Bawahahahaha”
Then Bill turned to the other corner where a group of three guys were standing in a circle and looking down and tugging at their midsection. Across from them were ten other guys with fists full of cash watching with hoots and hollers as if there was a race going on. Again, Bill’s jaw continued to drop when that same small man seemed to be watching bill and seemed to pop up from the middle of the three men racing and again he said,
“hehe IT IS WHAT IT IS!”
Then in the other back corner there was a huge red headed guy standing on a chair who just had a torn up white shirt with dozens of women in front of him. He looked about the size of an NFL offensive lineman. With one swipe of his huge arm he managed to forcefully hit five of those women to the ground. As the women lay on the ground holding their jaw this man brought both fists to the sky and said,
“O’Doyle RULES!!!!” and he kept continued to swipe at the women. Again, the same small man seemed to drop down from the ceiling and he said his same sentence upside down,
“BWAHAHAH IT IS WHAT IT IS!”
As Capt Bill was looking around there was one other figure that seemed to stop and participate and move to the next area. This man would participate in everything and would also take his forearms and give them a rolling motion for some reason. He kept asking people,
“Hey, YALL GOT YO ROLL ON LIKE ME?” and everyone would just ignore him. He never stopped having his ‘roll on’ either.
On Bill’s shoulder he felt that someone had put their arm around him. It was that same man and he said,
“IT IS WHA--” Captain Bill then struck him in the face and he dropped to the floor.
Behind Bill was a man who grabbed his daughter’s hand and said,
“Hey baby, I’ll give you a toke of this if you lick my penis.” Bill reacted by grabbing his daughters hand and immediately running toward the pilot house to bring this boat back to the dock.
On came the bow thrusters to make an abrupt portside turn. The crowd reacted with a loud “WOAHHHHA” and quickly the Elena made a 180 turn on the otherwise peaceful river. With the engines cranked and the current on their side they quickly sped down the river towards the dock.
The Elena made a startling entry to its’ slip where the dock shook throughout the club. Furiously Bill came to the back gallery where everyone was.
“GET THE FUCK OFF MY BOAT!” he yelled. Everyone then filed off and tried to smooth things over but Captain Bill didn’t-if you will- give a fuck. Finally there were two people from the party left, a man and a woman. The man was doubled over in the corner with his pants down.
“What the fuck is wrong with you?” asked Bill.
“My lady wanted to give me a good time and then the boat turned. My lady was jolted back on my Johnson and reacted by “holding on” if you will.
Again, Bill didn’t care and flipped him and his female friend over the railing and into the river.
Now there was a messed up floor with-god know what- all over. Wendy tried to comfort her kids with a big hug and shielding their eyes. Bill went into the janitorial closet to grab some WD-40, bleach, and gasoline. He missed the three up in a large bucket and poured it all over the messy gallery floor.
“Okay, everyone up in front. I’m burning this fucker clean” everyone then ran up to the pilot house and there was Bill with a book of matches and a quivering eye. He slid the match across the box and held the flicking flame in his hand…and dropped it.
The whole floor went up being led by a blue flame and the whole gallery was on fire by means of the fluid. Bill then walked up to the pilot house and fired up the bow thrusters to leave the dock once again.
“What are you doing Dad?” asked Wendy
“I’m going to let that fucking fire burn off that fucking spooge and then I’m going to put it out. Fuck this fucking town, I’m going to Memphis. God damn fucking ‘it is what it is’ god damn fucker.
And he lived for the winter pissed off in Memphis.