in agony we drew a circle with a stone
what's the colour of the raindance i don't know
when it closes in i know you'd rather be alone
in the day's disguise night's howling at the moon
There’s way too much to talk about. Way too much.
Tuesday morning I woke up and grabbed my glasses knowing it would be the last time. I walked home to where my Mom was going to give me a ride to and from the procedure because she volunteered. Later I would find out why I would need that ride home.
I arrived to the office fifteen minutes early with my Mom trailing behind. I figured she’d go shopping at Target or would jump at the chance to drown herself in Woodbury’s commercial sea. I walk into the office with a couple other twentysomethings already waiting for the doctor. My Mom took a seat as I handled the financial crap up front and some brief paperwork. I turn around to sit and there’s my mom, who has no frame of reference of personal space issues, sitting right in the small corner where everyone else was.
She did manage to pick a spot right across from a pretty decent looking hottie who was obviously ready for the same procedure I was. I sat down with my school book bag (because the magazines in the waiting room consist of 6-month old newsweeks and Martha Stewart’s ‘how to work the stock market’ bullshit). So there I was, hadn’t shaved (because the procedure can’t be done with any scents), sitting there with my mom, and sitting right next to everyone like it’s some weird SNL skit.
My Mom blurts out,
“Would you like me to make you some soup when you come home?”
She never acts this “motherly” to me, so I respond with a quick ‘no thanks’ as I get back to my book.
“I cleaned up your room for you so you can take your nap when we get home. I can buy some Sprite too.”
She blurted out again. I then gave a ’I-know-you-think-I’m-sexy’ look at the hottie and all I got back was a ‘my-god-your-balding-and-still-live-with-your-mother’ type look in return. It was a classic George Castanza scene.
Finally they call me in for some quick tests and take away my glasses for good. From now on I am pretty much blind because I can’t see for shit without them. They offered me a mild sedative, which made me feel heavy and groggy, and they led me to the room where the surgery was going to be perfumed.
The room was full of semi-loud fan-cooled machines and it was fairly dark with the only light coming from one giant floor-to-ceiling machine that looks like a microscope. Inside is my eye doctor and a couple of his assistants who are very easy going people. I automatically tense up because I cannot see, I’m already feeling drowsy, for some reason I have “Welcome to the Machine” in my head, and the room is something out of a George Orwell novel.
“Okay Tom, we’re going to run you through the different machines we have here. This first one… [the machine sounds like hail on a tin roof]…is the actual laser. This next one…[sounds like a fan being used on the ‘number 3’ mode] is what will create the flap on your eye. Just keep looking at the blinking orange light. Now I want you to look at this clock on the wall and take note of it.”
“I can’t see anything, but I can tell there’s a clock there” I responded
“Good” says the nurse.
“Just start the fucking procedure” I thought.
They then take my chair and bring me underneath the lit-up machine which was the laser. The doctor starts at the right eye, first placing numbing drops and then using some sort of do-hickey to hold my eyelids back.
“Okay Tom, now I’m going to cut the flap on your eye. You wont feel anything but your vision will be lost for ten seconds. That is totally normal and part of the procedure.”
I’m looking at this blinking orange light until-nothing. With my other eye bandaged closed, I am now blind and I can’t help but to clench my fist in such a helplessness state. Luckily it didn’t take ten seconds but more like four seconds and I did not feel a thing.
“Look straight at the orange light now.”
Again it was like hail on a tin roof and it didn’t even seem like a minute until the nurses began bandaging up my right eye and preparing the left. The right eye, surprisingly, was finished in no more than 4 minutes.
After the brief blindness in my left eye it was time for the laser. Waiting…nothing. The room was silent, the light was blinking, and there seems to be a chill in the air. Finally after what seemed like 20 seconds, the laser kicked in and afterwards they rolled me away from the laser.
“What was the deal there?“ asked one nurse
“Sometimes it takes some time for the computer to read the eye.“ responded the doctor.
I looked at the clock and my vision was noticeably blurry, but I could clearly make out the clock in the room and I could see everyone. It was breathtaking.
I left the room in a bit of state of shock due to my current eye sight and how everything seemed so fundamental. They escorted me to another exam room where they told me what to do when I get home (take a 4 hour nap and take a series of drops) and they even gave me a box of goodies (no sucker though).
After the brief goodbyes I had the ride home where I had to keep my eyes closed until after my 4 hour nap. That’s why I needed a ride home.
For the record, it was the easiest “surgery” I’ve ever had and there was no pain involved. Just a semi-uncomfortable room with a laser, which is to be expected with laser eye surgery.
I went in today for a 24 hour checkup and according to the doctor I now have “better than 20/20 vision”, which is incredible.
I would like to thank the people that emailed and called to check up on me. It was unexpected and nice, so thanks you beotches.
Tomorrow, The Presidents Cup III and someday I’ll have a parody of the floating sex party the Vikings supposedly had.