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Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Vikings Really Aint that Good

Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain.
You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today.
And then one day you find ten years have got behind you.
No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun.

The 2005 Minnesota Vikings.

For some reason the phrase, ‘train wreak’ doesn’t even come close to describing the season. “Bad” is a definite understatement, biblical may be a little too dramatic, and barfarific doesn’t hit it either.

The 2005 Minnesota Vikings season can only be described with a recipe.

El Burrito mierde

Ingredients
1-half gallon of milk
12 oz of black licorice
10 White Castle hamburgers with extra onions
3-Totinoes party pizzas
1-magnum of cheap,cheap tequila
3-sticks of butter
1-cup of Au jou

-bake the pizzas
-after baking place one stick of butter on top of all three pizzas and proceed to sprinkle bits of black licorice all over the pizza and butter.
-Take the tequila and pour it into a blender.
-Add 5 hamburgers and 8 cups of milk
-blend it for one minute--this is the malaise
-spread the malaise over the party pizza.
-roll up the pizza into a burrito

This is El Burrito Mierde complete with five extra white castles which can be dipped in Au jou. Feel free to drink the leftover tequila and milk while your at it.

I don’t know something like that and the morning after perhaps.

Anyways some quick stats
-On the road the Vikings have scored 34 points in four games on the road. They have also allowed opponents to score 133 points in those same four games.
-Mike Tice predicted that Michael Bennett would rush for 1600-1800 yards this year. At the midpoint of the season he has 71 yards
-Daunte Culpepper has thrown for only 6 touchdowns and 12 interceptions right after a year when he was one of the most efficient quarterbacks ever.
-Many experts including Peter King predicted these same Vikings to represent the NFC in the Superbowl.
-Currently the team is 2-5 and seems completely hopeless.

Apparently that inspired one of the most overrated and cherished local sportswriters to come up with this groundbreaking title for today’s column,

Vikings Didn’t Get Better in Offseason
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THANK YOU CAPTAIN OBVIOUS!!!!!

I couldn’t even mock a more idiotic and overly simplistic title. I tried though. Seriously, this guy gets paid a ton of money and this is the title he came up with?

Of course just when you think the season couldn’t get any worse our quarterback, Duante Culpepper, tore not only his ACL but throw in his PCL and MCL while your at it. Hell, throw in a patella fracture and disintegrated cartilage, a broken upper tibia, and a canker sore and one could simply say he and his knee (and possibly his career) are completely, 100% destroyed.

What will be even more fun is the Monday Night game against the 1-6 Packers. I may end up making El burrito Mierde just for that night.

4 comments:

Eric Wormann said...

Remember Randy Moss?

Aliecat said...

That burrito sounds gooood....

BiggPappa said...

One suggestion on the recipe: I think it needs a little cheese sauce. I have about six pounds of that. Also, maybe some beef gravy, and maybe some bleu cheese dressing. Other than that, I do believe the Minneapolis South Highschool team could do better work on the field right now than the Vikings. They should either all be lined up and fired, or shot, depending on whomever's doing the lining-up's conscience.

Boof said...

That burrito does NOT sound good.