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Wednesday, December 14, 2005

The Biggest Zit I Ever Had

Every night in my dreams
I see you. I feel you.
That is how I know you go on.

The other day I woke up and found the ugliest whitehead I’ve seen in a long time. I’m not the greatest at discovering crap all over my face-(Tangent: this one time at BW3’s, I had BBQ sauce all over my face and my cousin thought it would be funny not to tell me anything, so I ventured about Minneapolis with crap all over my face without knowing so).

This zit though, was terrible! It was sitting right under my nose in that little valley where Joaquin Phoenix has his scar. It was positioned like it was some sort of cultural spot-mark-thing, but at least it was symmetric with my face so I thought it was kinda cool.

The rule of thumb with zits is that you shouldn’t pop them because they scar up, but sometimes zits can be so ugly that there’s nothing you can do. As I squeeze this zit out, I get flashbacks of the worst ingrown hair/zit I have ever had.

Gather round everyone, Boof’s got a story.

Sophomore year in high school

I was in Advanced Algebra class during ‘question’ time. I was fucking awesome in that class so this was the time where I drift off and write lyrics in my notebook. This one particular morning I was really tired and I stretched back. In the middle of the mild stretching I felt that same odd feeling on the back of my neck that has been there all week.

I figured this was the time to start exploring so I started feeling the back of my neck. Closer, closer, and found it. It was a zit (or ingrown hair) and this was big. It was so damn big that a it could be mistaken for an eye.
The feeling was very odd, sensitive yet hard as a rock and the curiosity grew.

I came home and instantly started grabbing the hand held mirror and attempted the whole mirror angling, James Bond sequence. I then found it.

“ooooOOOH yuck!” This think was really fucking ugly and bigger than I ever thought one could be. You could hang a picture on it. I instantly ripped that thing off and started wondering,
‘If I sat behind someone wearing one of these ugly things, would I tell everyone about it?’ Knowing me, I know I would (I’m telling everyone about it now).

So I do feel really sorry for those people that sat behind me during that semester and I’m waiting for some story about ‘that guy with the huge ugly ass zit on the back of his neck’ to come about.

I honestly don’t feel bad or embarrassed about it though because if you ever have something that big and ugly, you almost have to cherish it and take a picture. That way whenever you meet someone on the street who shows you a picture of their worst zit and says,
“Have you ever had a zit that tops this?” That’s when you bust out Big Charlie and take that stranger to the wood shed.

That’s the place ugly zits/ingrown hairs have in my heart. Now when I wake up with an ugly zit I look back to Big Charlie and weep a little and wait for his grand entrance into the world.

[CUE: My Heart will go on.]


Aliecat said...

Boof, that was a truly disgusting story...I loved it! BTW, it's my birthday today!

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