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Monday, January 31, 2005

Undead Old Lady Nude, Monthly

Let me run with you tonight
I'll take you on a moonlight ride
There's someone I used to see
But she don't give a damn for me

The whole process of moving-in went surprisingly well.

First, one has to pack all their crap. I had all my crap packed up in May, before I left for Sodak.
Second, one needs the transportation and laborers to help you do the job. Check, I had three buddies help out and they all that big-ass vehicles of some sort.
Then the frustration, sweat, and tears that go with moving. This includes hauling stuff up stairways, backs breaking, and frustration of the workers. None of this was a factor because 90% of all my shit was out and in in a matter of an hour. AN HOUR!!!

It-only-took-me-an-hour-to-move!!!!! This includes a couch, recliner, bed, dresser, big tv, and other crap.

It was awesome and my Dad wasn’t there to bitch and moan.

Hell yeah.

Before the move-in, I was struck with a little nugget of info about my new place that would normally shock anyone.

On Friday, I inspected my new place to see what kinda cracks and holes I could find so I don’t get charged for it. This is actually good times because then you can create any kind of damage you want and not get charged for it. You could punch a hole in your living room wall and get away with it!

Anyway, there was nothing really wrong with the place and as I headed out, I met an old friend. Mel and I were chatting a little bit…
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mel: So what room are you in?
Berg: Oh, I’m in XXX
Mel: Oh. Ah, didn’t they tell you about that room?
Berg: ah….no.
At this point gentle waves of steam are just beginning to blow from my ears. My face is getting red and I’m clenching my fists because I certaintly DON’T know the story behind my room.

Mel (looking sympathetic and nervous): Well-ah, the previous tenant was an old woman who died in that place about three weeks ago.
Berg (clenching his heart): OH pfew! That’s aweso-ah er fine. I almost thought you were going to tell me that the previous tenant grabbed their roommates jugular and procedded to rope a bag of chips or something.
Mel (frowning): ah no. I gotta go—somewhere—else… bye!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So yeah, my new place was the last place that an old lady spent her days on this Earth—and I’m taking her place.

Honestly, I think it’s kinda cool because now the pad has a history behind it. Also, I’m not a fan of the supernatural because that stuff bores me to death, but maybe, just maybe my place is haunted! I could have a little old lady ghost come and watch Extreme Elimination Challenge with me!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Resting in front of the TV after a hard day at work…
Old Lady Ghost (OLG): woooooooooooOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOOoooooooooo
Berg: The hell?
OLG: WOOOOOOOOOooooooooooo WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Berg: Hey! Are you the spirit of the previous tenant?
OLG: WOOOOOOOO--Yeah
Berg: ah, good to meet you. NOW SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!
OLG: I beg your pardon? I was here first!
Berg (looking at the ghost): ah, well you’re more than welcome to have a seat and watch some weird looking Japanese hurt themselves by a giant pizza and a big-ass rock.
OLG: So, ah you like the place then?
Berg: yeah it’s not too bad. Say, I’ve never said this to anyone, but I have a fetish with old lady ghosts. I even have a monthly subscription to Nude, Undead Old Hag Monthly.
Mind if I sit on your pretend lap?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It’s a pretty good conversation starter.

I even upgraded my bed from the sad looking 6-year-old twin bed to (just barely a notch higher) a frameless Queen size waterbed. The thing doesn’t sit three feet above the ground, but it’s sleepable!


Crap list

1. People at Walmart/Target/Ikea…and any other really big store
Ever notice that people are in slow motion at these stores? You have these people that take their shopping cart and look back and forth ever so slowly while gently putting one foot in front of the other.

Me, I’m in a damn hurry because I got a hottie, old lady ghost waiting for me at home. So I sprint in the store to grab some saran wrap and hand lotion and these slow-ass people are in my way! Seriously though, Ikea is a big god damn maze and is infested with all these slow people (Women, I’m look at you). Don’t people know what they want? It’s not like when your one I94 and you want to look at St. Paul, you just slow down and go 35 (Although it seems that some people do).

2. Network TV
The cable guys are coming on Tuesday to give me back what I so rightfully deserve, cable tv. Back at the hizzy, I was the only one that didn’t want, but rather NEEDED cable. The two women I lived with, naturally, didn’t want to pay for it, and H knew about my addiction to cable so he balked and played the, ‘I don’t need cable either’ card so I’d end up paying for it.

I doubt if that was really the case but I like that version.

After all H needs cable just like any other red-blooded male does. Once you go cable, you can’t go back. It’s the worst drug ever!
So after moving in, I’m tired as hell so I plop down on my couch and surf through the channels… 2,4,5,9,11,23,29,45,2,4,5,11,23… and before you know it, I’m playing Bob Geldof’s role in The Wall.

How the fuck did I ever live without it?

3. Whenever they perform a showtune on the Simpsons
I love the Simpsons! My favorite episode came in season 6 where Homer goes to clown college and the worst? The worst is BY FAR is the stupid episode that has all the singing in it. The disappointment that hits me when I find out that Clint Eastwood’s character is singing, “Gonna paint a wagon, gonna paint it good” is about the same disappointment that hits Homer when he finds out he didn’t rent a western but a musical disguised as a western.
I don’t think I have ever EVER laughed at any of their stupid songs they played on that show, except maybe the ‘When I was 17’ song.
On the show last night, Marge was bartending and the story was pretty good.

Then Marge starts singing…..ARRRGGHHHH!

As the comic book guy would say,
Worst episode ever!

4. Hog and his, “oh, lets have a White Castle eating contest” a week ago.
I got an email from Hog a week ago about the upcoming Superbowl festivities and he slyly writes…
“Otherwise, we could have a halftime White Castle eating contest. Eh, eh, what do ya think?”

I think that sucks!!!


I mean wah---ent it—habbuda—NO… You can’t just blurt something like that out without any ambiance. What’s worse is that the power of numbers is against me because he emailed everyone else going to my place about this eating contest and they’re already giddy and practicing! So now everyone’s going to be buying crave cases up the ass and I gotta TRY and stick to my reputation of being a bad-ass eating competitor.

No texas hold ‘em, no rochambeaus.. but a Whities eating contest.

Dammit! And then I gotta go to the gym the next morning. How the hell am I supposed to use the hip sled when I have 25 explosive sliders in my digestive tract?

*shakes his fist* DAMN YOU HOG!!!

Friday, January 28, 2005

Nuthin

All the leaves are brown
And the sky is gray
I’ve been for a walk
On a winters day



I got nothing today


Not even any picks because there’s no football.
And I’m not about to try and start with basketball.

Too much for me to ponder over with moving, HDTV, vacation, beer, fantasy football, gym, marathon, and any other excuse I can use.
Good weekends all around…

Thursday, January 27, 2005

Man, I Can't Wait!

Come on and be my little good luck charm,
Uh-huh huh, you sweet delight.
I want a good luck charm
a-hanging on my arm,
To have, to have, to hold, to hold tonight.

All I gotta say is… Y’all are a big bunch of assholics

You guys can’t tell me that back in the napster heyday, that you weren’t the least bit curious over that one Madonna song or a certain Carpenters tune or that Snow song.

I’m content with my manhood enough to admit that I’m a Bryan Adams fan.

Who’s the bigger man now?

Uh don’t answer that.

And no, I don’t have Robin Hood Prince of Thieves….yet.
Fuck all you alls till you’re good and stupid.

All in all, this has been a really damn good week.
On Sunday I found out that my Deer are playing in our fantasy Superbowl.
On Monday I found out that my plans for a warm vacation are set.
Tuesday, I signed the lease to my new place.
Also on Tuesday I found out that instead of paying X amount monthy in rent, I only have to pay X-$120, because this place pays for cable!
And then of course, I’m getting my TV on Saturday. *sniff, sniff*

I think I have everything minus the piddly shit. The only problem is that being a guy, I don’t have any idea what to do about knick knacks.
The whole topic of knick knacks are way off my radar. I go to other people apartments and houses and the girlfriend/wife will have a collection of apples placed nicely in some corner. Another place will have a set of ladybugs set aside somewhere else. Then you have doilies and placemats and flower pots.

It seems like when I first move in anywhere, I have to set up the bed. Then it’s the stereo, and TV/electronics, and then everything else can be done later. The entertainment HAS to be up and running!

So how the fuck am I supposed to know enough to have a collection of pears anywhere, or old crying clown pictures. That crap is beyond me. Just the basic setup is good enough for me.

On Saturday, I will probably run into problems because my routine will be interrupted because I need to build the TV stand before I can even think of setting up any entertainment.

The instructions for such simple TV stands, CD shelves, and entertainment centers are painfully easy, but I always manage to screw them up. The problem is that they’re too easy to set up. Instead of following steps 1-20, I just skip right over to 14 and some board ends up being backwards or completely ass backwards.

It’s kind of like when I was taking classes for Microsoft project with my co-workers. Most of them are 40+ and then there’s me, so most of them are well before the computer age. They give you this ‘workbook’ that takes you step-by-step through everything and it’s just too easy.
-Find the start button
-click it
-find settings
-highlight printers
-click printers which should already be highlighted.

See if someone just said, “change this on your printer” it’d be fine!

Then I unfortunately have a waterbed that I have to figure out. The reason I have a waterbed is because someone at work was giving it away and I HATE shopping for mattresses. I tried last Monday and a lot are too expensive for me. I need something that is no more than $30 because, the one I have now isn’t terribly bad and I don’t need those $1300 mattresses (that’s just fucking crazy!)

I don’t know, it’ll be fun

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

The 69 Tale

I got my first real six string
Bought it at the five and dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Was the summer of 69



Signed the lease today. I also found out that they’re giving me $50 a month for cable! When I heard that, I had to double over and weep for a little while.

I then went to go and check out the room and take a visual of the potential layout.
I can’t wait!

I then went to check out what number was assigned to me for buzzing people in.

It read like so,

Berg---------69

Of all the numbers between 00 and 99, I get 69, which tells me that ‘the curse’ is still in effect.

Story time…..

Twas 1996 and I was a sophomore in High School.

I was a huge Bryan Adams fan (still am) and I was even in the fan club..


….

I’ll wait….

….

….
Done laughing yet? Dicks

…….

….
Don’t make me turn off the lights!

….

Of all the songs in the world and of all the genres, Summer of ’69 beats all in my mind. I love that fucking song! Short, simple, and to the point. Just that I didn’t’ get the whole point.

Anyway there was this shirt I was getting through the fan club that had a huge ’69 Just do it!’ on the front. At the time, Nike had numerous advertisements, which featured the catch phrase: ‘Just Do it’.

Instead of listening during Algebra or Biology, I would doodle all over my notebook and write Def Leppard lyrics, swear words, and the notebook would be littered with ‘69’ everywhere like any average school girl's would.

Like I said, I fucking love that song.

I figured that the shirt was just mocking the Nike advertisement. I never EVER thought it would mean anything more.

A little background,

I grew up in a fairly hardcore Catholic family that uses censorship as a means to block out bad words and sinful behaviors so we all end up going to Heaven. I grew up fed with values like ignorance, closed mindedness, and anything but freethinking. That’s in my opinion anyway.

For instance my Mom still doesn’t believe that pre-marital sex is being practiced let alone masturbation.
If there was such a thought, then you’re going to hell.

If you swear, you’re going to hell
If you don’t ‘honor thy mother/father’ you’re going to hell
If you don’t go to church….hell

And so on and so forth.

Anyway I was ‘closed in’ and very naïve!

This one-day in history class we were learning all about the fabulous 50’s and each student would draw a picture of something 50’s related. People drew ’57 Chevs, hoola-hoops, and poodle skirts. Someone wrote ’69’ over the poodle skirt.

Teacher comes in and someone asks,
“Hey, what’s that number on that skirt?”

EVERYONE laughs except one person, me. Thinking of this shirt that I ordered through the mail, the curiosity was killing me. I turn to the kid next to me,
“Dude, does 69 mean something I should know about?” The kid just laughs harder.

God damn it! I’m thinking. I turn to the kid on the other side of me…
“Dude, you don’t know!?” he murmurs.
“NO!”

I then turn to a couple other people… “You don’t know!?” they both blurt out.

“NO I DON’T!!!!” At this point I’m ready to scream my way out the door waving my arms wildly.

After that extremely long class I was getting a headache because apparently the ’69 tutorial memo got lost in the mail.
WHAT THE FUCK DOES 69 MEAN?

I ran out into the hall when I spotted J,
“Hey, what does 69 mean?”
“You don’t know!?” say’s J. The 100th time I heard this response in the last hour.

“ARRGGHH NO ASSHOLE!!!!!!”

J then does simple reenactment with his hands.

Suddenly everything became crystal. Suddenly I just ‘got’ the other half of that song.

Me and my baby in ’69 Holy shit!

So after that day, all I ever saw was 69, everywhere!
License plate read 696
Drive to work on 694
Had to take exit 69
Robert Smith rushed for a 69-yard touchdown.
And a series of other coincidences that I cannot remember (remember any Hog?).

Now it just seems a little too appropriate that whenever someone needs to reach me, they gotta dial 69 in order to get me.

Some people wonder if God or the ‘the great spirit’ or whoever/whatever up there has a sense of humor.

Whatever’s up there, they’ve got to be rolling over this one.
*shakes his head*

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Terrible Post

You think you hear demons
I think you are the demon
In this place where the images are born
You remember your childhood
Oh, in fiery sequences

Yeah… that was a strange entry.

I was reading a bunch of blogs today when I found one that started out with,
“This is funny…” and then proceeded to talk about dancing like Stevie Nicks and then Evita…?

I thought to myself, “What the crap is this about? This doesnt make ANY crappin sense!”

I then looked up and noticed the title, ‘Bergblog’.

Whoops! Hehe

Nah for some strange reason, crap was chopped off the beginning. Here’s what I wanted to say…

I’m moving into a new place on Saturday and I don’t have to deal with my Mom fuckin with my shit and…..whine…whine…whine.

And in my new apartment I’m going to…
Dance like Stevie nicks…and so and so…

And that first part of that entry had to do with this funny thing….
http://www.extremeskins.com/modules.php?op=modload&name=banghaha&file=index

And then this is funny too…
http://www.radionow931.com/av/video/Freudian_slip_JLo.wmv

Instead of editing that entry like any other sane person would do, I'm going to leave it as a reminder of my stupidity. As if I needed a stupid blog entry to remind me. I have a blog for that!

Whatever,

I was bitching one day about local radio and how they play Green Day over and over..and OVER. They still do, but H introduced me to a new public radio station.

89.3 the current, was just introduced to the Twin Cities Yesterday at 9am. They make it a point to play local bands and I was shocked to hear Radiohead followed by Frank Sinatra followed by Nas. It’s a quality station with a lot of genres being represented! Any local bands should definitely send them some sound checks!

On another note,

Today everyone was talking and reminiscing about Johnny Carson. News outlets were showing the best clips and the guy was damn funny.

The one comment that kinda irked me was something to the tune of…
“….unfortunately his life ended when he was a little too young…” or something to that notion. I couldn’t disagree more. It definitely sucks that he passed away but 79 is hardly a young age to pass away. In fact the average life expectancy is around 75 for males. I’m sure the comment wasn’t meant literally as it was meant for good nature, but there’s a lot of people that wish everyone could live forever.

Which leads to my view of life on Earth for which I am greatly in the minority.

There are too many damn people on this planet! Whenever someone dies, someone else has to come up with medicine or a cure to prevent such a death in the future. At the start of the 20th century, the life expectancy for the US was about 50 years old, so it’s increased by about 25 years! I don’t know if that’s necessarily a great thing. What are we striving for?
Immortality?

With the human genome deciphered couple years ago, speculation was that the results would range from higher life expectancy to cures for diseases and possibly the addition to alter family genetic traits. So apparently when we have 20 million baby boomers sucking down whatever is left of social security, resources, and younger people’s time; we’ll be throwing daily ticker tape parades with the 500 million people in the US and the 8.5 billion people globally because we can all live till were 100.

I mean I know how many people 'pass on' as a result of terrible diseases like cancer, heart disease, and AIDS but would it really be that great if we cured those diseases?

Don’t get me wrong, my original grandpa died of heart disease in the 60’s and I’ve had a couple of people I know of pass away from Cancer, so I totally understand with the tragedy and heartbreak involved. That is life however.

Believe it or not, death is a part of the life cycle. As important as it is for people to live their lives to the fullest, it’s also just as important that they make their life long contribute to the carbon cycle (being laid to rest).

Damn, that sounds wicked.
I’ll stop there

That Last post

Wow, that last post didn't make a lick of sense.

Shit got saved wrong and chopped off half of the entry.

my bad

Monday, January 24, 2005

Berg's Imagination Runs Wild

It's time to come away, my Darling Pretty
It's time to come away on the changing tide
Time to come away, Darling Pretty
And I need you darling by my side

Here is something funny
Sara’ or ‘Gold Dust Woman’ and dance around my place like Stevie Nicks
-air guitar to summer of ‘69
-Play the roll of Evita Peron on my balcony and sing “Don’t Cry for Me, Oakdale”
-not have to listen to anyone nag me
-‘roll a deuce’ with the door open
-Call my Mom up and tell her how dirty my room is (actually, I’ll try my damndest to keep it clean….don’t hold your breath however)
-be as loud as I want in the middle of the night
-sit and watch tv with my sweet-ass tv.


I just cannot wait! I even spent $240 at Ikea (the human maze) this weekend.

The past couple months the most popular thought in my head has been,
“God, I can’t wait to get outta here!”
“Man, I can’t stand this place” or
“How did that Kiss disco song go again?”


It’s going to be a good time and I’m going to need some help moving in if you’re available.

Crap List

1. Scott Linehan
Actually it’s not referring to the person, but the topic of the Vikings offensive coordinator accepting the Dolphins comparable job with more job security and money. The guy could be a pop singer for all I care. Just as long as he’s not the Vikings offensive coordinator. Reason being is that he screwed up our offence by running the ball only about 30% of the time and routinely calling the plays like any dumbshit would.
“Oh, but Culpepper passed for over 4,700 this year and he had some of the best stats in the league, why wouldn’t we pass 75% of the time?”
Well, he had those great stats because all you did was pass! A lot of quarterbacks would’ve eclipsed the 4,000 mark the way the plays were called.
I don’t get how one week the guy is considered a weak OC and the next he’s 'one of the smartest offensive minds in the game' like a ton of media outlets deemed him. I’ve never seen it! Hell, George W Bush could run our offense!

2. League Pass?
I’m referring to this NBA League Pass commercial featuring two of biggest reasons why I don’t watch the NBA anymore, Bill Walton and Stephon Marbury. They’re both in an office building and it’s late at night,
Bill: Ok Steph we’ve been here for a long time.
Steph: I think I got it, NBA League Pass?
Bill (shakes his head)
Steph: ok here it is, NBA League Pass?
Bill: I can see we’re going to be here all night.

Can somebody please tell me what the fuck they are talking about? This is a nightmare of a commercial and it makes both of them seem even more retarded than they previously were. One of my gravest fears is to be stuck in an elevator with these two dimwits with Walton making love to Stephon using his stupid catch phrases.
“_________ is the greatest player I have seen in a long time”
“Look at the poise by _____”
“My kid is about as good of a player as humanly possible”

It’s not exactly Picasso I’m drawing up.

3. Brad Pitt
Looking from afar and not knowing much about this particular topic, I doubt Pitt did any of this.

But grab a napkin and imagine…..


You’re Brad Pitt and your relationship with Jennifer Aniston is starting to sour a bit. Aniston makes you go pick up some apples at the grocery store. So whatever, just as long as you leave the house and you don’t have to listen to the nagging (but hot) wife. At the grocery store, you’re grabbing apples when you see none other than Angelina Jolie wearing some Tomb Raider outfit. She says,
“How ‘bout them apples?”
“Oh yeah, those are nice and ripe. I’ll still have to rub them down to get them polished up” you reply. Before you know it, you both are connecting in the grocery store and making plans to see each other again.

After a couple weeks of seeing Jolie, you realize how much of a wild, exciting woman she is and you crave the days you were a bachelor because…YOU’RE BRAD-FUCKING-PITT afterall. Knowing that things are getting rougher with the wife, do you…

A. Break things off with the wife and hang out with Angelina?
B. Try and patch up the relation ship with Aniston?


Me? “Great moments come from great opportunity” as said by Herb Brooks in Miracle. And I know that you HAVE to make the most of them. So here’s my idea,

Go for the threesome. You have to!!! Things are ending up bad with the wife and maybe, just maybe Aniston will be interested in the idea because how many times does one have the chance to be in a Pitt, Jolie threesome?

Then Jolie, may be thinking, ‘Damn, I could tell my grand children about the threesome I had with Pitt and Rachel Green!’
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The imagination is now probably running wild at this time and rightfully so. If it were me and Jolie and Aniston were already in the same room,

Tom(walking up to the room knowing they’re both present)
Penis: blahwahahablahbahablahabhbhbahlablablah…blah..wahbluhblah

Tom: Ladies, give me a couple more minutes please. I’ll be right back.

Later I’m walking back to the room and can hear them laughing.
Penis: jimmytimmjimmychimmytimmyjimmytimmy-timmyjimmychimmy…jimmytimmy…tim

Tom: Ladies, again I’m sorry, give me some more time.

Yet later, I walk back into the room and one is on top of the other
Penis: rabble-rabblerabblerabblerabblerabblerabble-rabble….rabblerabble….rabble


See, I don’t even know if I could even take a scene like that without causing serious pain to myself in the form of a heart attack. However; after such an occasion a heart attack would only be appropriate because you’ve just reached the pinnacle of your life! What else would you need to do in life?

It’s the ultimate swan song!

4. Johnny Carson’s death
Carson is one of my favorite comedians. He had a wide variety of comedy without using shock. He didn’t have a 'bit' that he milked to death like other comedians did and he never was a media whore like Magic Johnson or Dick Clark. Since his retirement in '92, he stayed out of the limelight rejecting numerous offers for appearances. I easily empathize with him because he hated large crowds and felt uncomfortable talking about himself around others. Yet he still managed to be featured on network television for 30 years, five nights a week. He rarely did interviews and kept close with everyone important to him.

I never knew the guy, but one my favorite comedians.

5. Owners who appear in their own commercials
I really hate how owners perform the voice-overs in radio and tv commercials. These owners have terrible lisps and horrible body language. Not to mention that their voice is vomit worthy. Why would anyone think that because the owner is on tv, that anyone would be encouraged even moreso to shop at his or her store?

One local commercial I do like is where this fat dude is dressed up as Indiana Jones and he’s singing and dancing to some goofy song. That’s cool and even though I don’t need any carpeting, I just may end up buying a square foot because of the singing, dancing, and the get up.

Good times.

Friday, January 21, 2005

Boulevard of a FREAKING BROKEN RECORD!

I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone

Boulevard of Broken Dreams, by Green Day

So how long does the expiration date of a song last? Seriously, this song is coming down with whatever ‘Don’t Speak’, ‘Amazing’, ‘Crazy’, and ‘Cryin’ had. There comes a time when a song is a wee bit overplayed.

Such a time came last week in the gym.

I usually run around the track for a good twenty minutes and at the 15 minute mark is where you need that simple, powerful, kick-you-in-the-balls type song (AC/DC). I turn it to the simple, safe, poppy station (KS95) and Boulevard of Broken Dreams comes on instead.
Okay, not a bad song. I like the melody and the slow grove to it. Lets see how long I can put up with it.
(after two minutes) Ok, gotta see if Big Balls is on. I turn it too the hard rock, suburbanite, I’m-pissed-off-at-the-world-for-no-reason station (93x) and Boulevard is on as well. In fact, the song didn’t really lose its place. It was almost as if the two stations were simulcast.
Coincidence I figure.
So now I try the deep cut, 30-something, sometimes folk, sometimes adult cont, I-wear-a-turtleneck station (cities 97).

SAME GOD DAMN SONG! For the record, three stations in three different genres, owned by three different conglomerates playing the same song at the same time. It went on for about a minute in a half!

That’s it, Green Day is now screwed.

Too much airplay is never a good thing. It made Steven Tyler even scarier and less talented (did this guy really write Dream On?), I took a little away from the reputation of No Doubt (don’t speak), and it makes John Mayer seem like a complete pussy.

And it’s the ABSOLUTE final gauntlet for the punk community.

Green Day is often considered a punk group. Maybe back in the day they were, but they certainly cannot go around and describe themselves with that label now.
Let’s take the general dynamics of punk music.

-against prog rock
-more about feeling (aggression, anger, defiance, “fuck 'the man’”)
-anything BUT pop
-quick songs

I’m not a punk connoisseur. In fact I don’t like punk music, but Boulevard crosses at least three of those general characteristics of punk. The beat is very slow and there’s a distinct melody involved. The song is pretty much played regularly on PUBLIC TALK RADIO for chrissakes. And it’s not the usual 2-minute song that seems to classify punk with.

Therefore, GREEN DAY IS NOT PUNK! Boulevard and Good Riddance were the songs that killed that label.

Now onto football

Four teams are left in the NFL and four teams are left in Fantasy football. The Deer is/are one of those remaining teams.

My roster for the Deer is
Vick
Levens
Pinkston
Graham
Vinatieri
Atlanta defense

Which is by far the most players on a current roster between the three other teams. We are having another draft this weekend to fill our rosters and I have a couple options with lineup.

Since I’m the only one with a kicker, Defense, and a quarterback; I could screw my opponent by picking up more of the same (there’s only 2QB’s, 3D’s, and 3 K’s left) so he’d have some roster spots empty.
Go the offensive and pick up a receiver and runningback to stack up my team a bit
Try and think ahead and, if Philly and NE will play in the Superbowl, stock up on those players.

I don’t know, I’ll have to feel the jig out.

Anyway,

Last week I went 3-1 because those Patriots are hard to put a finger on.

Overall, post season I’m 5-3

Atlanta @ Philadelphia
Both these games are tough to predict, but this one seems to be the toughest. Will Philly’s D be so good as to contain Vick (who is destined to be a punt returner)? Will Vick be allowed to throw the ball? If the Eagles lose again, will the fans kill themselves?
I’m actually thinking it’s Philly’s year because Atlanta is a dome team and dome teams are weak. Vick wont be able to pass the ball anywhere this week and those linebackers are crazy. I think this will be a VERY low scoring game because both defenses are pretty damn good. Both offenses are…eh?
Eagles 13 Falcons 6

New England @ Pittsburgh
It’s come to the point that these guys could defeat Al Qaeda if necessary. How the hell did they beat the Colts? How the hell did they only lose two games in the last two years (or something like that)? Why hasn’t a player like Tom Brady asked for 500 billion dollars in a contract extension (thus severely crippling the team) yet? I’m sure Rothlesberger will get rattled and Troy Brown will find a way to pick off a pass or two. Bettis will have an alright day but the Pats will find a way to stop him. Pats will find a way to win though. Somehow…somehow.
Patriots 27 Steelers 17

Good weekends ya’ll!

Thursday, January 20, 2005

The Illustrious Four Pack?

Said I don’t want to see you lonely
You gotta make me change mind
I don’t want anyone to squeeze me
They might take away my life



It’s now time to rate some hot babes which sinks this blog to the extreme depths of Wisconsin.

Today I don’t have any theme per se, I’m just going to throw some people at you.

Also, these are women that people already dub as ‘hot’ so I don’t think Sarah Jessica Parker is going to care if I call her gonzo a couple times on a stupid blog.

Also to recap, the scale is as follows

1-10; 1 being highly overrated, skankaholic, way too damn skinny, ran over by the ‘ugly’ bulldozer, ran over by a herd of cattle at a young age of 6… but who am I kidding? I’d still speedbang her!

Also (and this is very much subjective) four points
Cute- someone who looks good in everything
Beautiful- like wearing a evening gown jaw dropping stuff
Pretty- That girl that sits in front of you in Calculus
Hot- That girl that sits next to you and you can’t focus on Calculus because she’s eating a cheeseburger and talking about old school cartoons while wearing black leather.

And sometimes these women will take that illustrious four pack.


Lets start

Scarlett Johansson
I think she’s very overrated—AS AN ACTRESS. As a hottie, I see it. She’s got the tools and I think she defines the term ‘pretty’. She looked good in ghostworld. She looked AWESOME in The Man Who Wasn’t there (and that was in black and white wearing 50’s clothes). Lost In Translation was memorable for the opening segment with the ass shot. The character she usually plays in movies (and it seems like she plays the same character) seems to be a subtle everyday woman. However; sometimes she does have a tendency to drop down a notch.
7.5 and pretty with potential for beautiful

Paris Hilton
Probably the most famous, untalented, rich skank out there. She’s WAY too skinny and posh for anyone I know of to like her. I don’t even care for her face either; the eyes tell me that she’s associated with satan (and it’s probably true). She’s got to eat a burger or something. The only thing that makes her attractive is the money. BTW her sister looks worse in my opinion. Maxim can’t even save her.
2.5 and really skanky

Nicole Richie
The show, The Simple Life was proven to be a sham when Hilton was on Letterman one night, so why is it worth watching. Two prissy, ugly beotches screwing shit up in a small town. WOW. It was probably the only time that an ass was blurred out and I was happy about it. Richie looks like a regular woman only much worse. She doesn’t touch any of the four categories and approaches on nasty. She reminds me of a lot of annoying people and none of them were ever attractive. Who the hell was Lionel screwing around with 23 years ago?
2

Thea Andrews
Who? Thea Andrews is co-anchor on Cold Pizza, which is ESPN’s version of a morning show. Whenever Andrews is interviewing anyone, she has this look on her face….OH LORD. Then she bobs her head and gives that strong and bold smile.

I can’t continue…You gotta check her out! (eh, I couldn't find a decent pic so just take my word for it)
10 cute, pretty, beautiful…..and she could be hot if she wanted too.

Brigette Nielson
VH1, you’re killing me! For a network that feeds off of MTV (who makes the world seem a little fatter) you really do make it a point to show her whenever possible. In fact VH1 has made a spinoff with her and Flavor Flav.
Why? We know that Flav is fuct up and he has poor taste in women, but what’s the point? Nielson is way past her prime. She is UGLY!!!! Uglier than SJP. Yes, I just said the unthinkable. I don’t find anything attractive on this woman.
Flava, you can do BETTER!!!!
YUCK, YUCKKITY, YUCK-YUCK!!!
0 (I’d never tap that… ever!)

Jennifer Garner
Hmmm I don’t know…*examines and taps his finger* Hannes and his crew has already expressed their opinions of Garner. Hannes even went as far as to say that Elektra is too “ass-heavy”.
Blasphemy

This is tough, I gotta break this down even more. K, she’s not a 10 (that’s for sure) and she’s definitely not Nielson material either. The tough part is that with every good picture you see of her there’s another close up of her ‘manly’ face and the globs of make-up on her face. She did look great in Catch Me if You Can and I thought she did a stand up job in Daredevil (although most of the credit must be given to the black Elektra pants). I’m going to have to give series of numbers
(5-7) she could be cute, and/or beautiful

Julia Stiles
I’m actually a fan of Stiles. She has these cartoon looking eyes-you know where the pupil seems to be the whole eye. I think her voice (of all things) is one of her best qualities in that it doesn’t sound so girly that you may wonder not if she was molested as a kid, but who did the deed? Uncle, neighbor, Mailman?
She looked damn good in “A Guy Thing”
I’m going to be bold and give her…
8 (but it’s weird because I can’t associate any of the four criteria to her. Huh, crazy!)

Drea De Mateo
She plays Joey’s sister in “Joey” and she’s got some vital tools, butt, midsection, and a good vibe but her face looks like a Morning After White castle eating contest. Her eyes are all screwed up. She totally fits in the category of ‘looks good from far away’ as in about 50’ or so. If she were in my face right now, I would probably go…
WABLAHBLBLAWWABBLEBLEWABLLE.
4 because of the ‘tools’

Sarah Jessica Parker
I know I already rated her, but I need to revise my previous rating I gave her.
UPON FURTHER REVIEW… I give her a 1 (instead of the 1.5) because those Gap commercials make her nose look bigger. It’s unbelievable in that Gonzo already had a big nose but those full-on frontal face shots make it look like the Japanese are ski jumpin’ off that deal. In a related issue, the Sphinx called, and it want's it's nose back

1

til tomorrow

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Slogan?

There’s no more coming back this way
The path is overgrown and strewn with thorns
They’ve torn the lifeblood from you naked eyes


I need to do something new. I’m not moving in to my new place until the end of the month and between now and then I need something to do other than pack.

That paragraph about the bathwater and squirrel porn is just not cutting it lately. I need something quick, flashy, and bada-BING!

I need a new slogan! I have been thinking a long time about this and thought I would bring it up to the panel.

So far I have…

“Wearing ignorance as a badge of honor online since 8/29/04”

“I’ll suck anything” from Kevin Smith

“The official source of bad grammar”

“Teaching children the joy of pissing jokes since”

“I have a big cock”

“A site worth frowning upon”

“Don’t playa hate, playa particiPATE” from the VP

“The blog of a triple cheeseburger eating champion”

“The site of a champion and numerous pissing jokes”

“The equivelant of and blog golden shower”

“I’ll give you a reach-around if you read this!”

“two in the berg and one in the blog”

“The blog where men become boys and where women roll their eyes”

“This blog is better than betterthanbergblog”

“An asshole’s daily rants”
or maybe a combination of all that.

Or maybe ya’ll have a better idea?

Let me know.


babes tomorrow

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

White Castle Devastation

On a long and lonesome highway East of Omaha
You can listen to the engine moaning out that same ole song
You can think about the woman
Or the girl you knew the night before


White Castle burgers (or "sliders" as some people call them) are a phenomena which I cannot understand. These burgers that they make are the most addicting fast food drug you can find. I grew up never eating there because I associated these burgers with those nasty school lunch hamburgers that didn’t taste a lick like beef. Finally I had some, and then I had to have more, and then MORE. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I go there every week or even every month, but when I do go, I have to plan ahead.

These burgers are unlike any other burgers in that they put a lot of onions on them. These onions are like severely toxic and not in the Britney Spears way either. Nah the day after Whities is a day that I stay inside and fart in a blanket because the stench is so terrible. I could easily fumigate our old hizzy with such terribly gas.
It’s so bad that even taking a piss smells bad. Yes, these onions you digest are everywhere in the body.

White Castles are usually open 24hours, which means that they get the weird fuct up crowd. This includes; stoners, drunks, bi-polar, dorks, and deadbeats because Perkins is too high class for some people. One time we I swore we saw Bert Blyleven at 2am and then another time there was this dude wearing a sheriff’s kid badge telling everyone what to do.

It’s white Castle anyway

The White Castle story…

Marc, Tony (betterthanbergblog…idiot), Nick, someone else, and myself decided that we’d have a White Castle eating competition. We were coming back from their cabin and I told them that I could probably eat an entire crave case for which they believed me after eating all those triple cheeseburgers.

So Marc and I went to white Castle to order five crave cases (thirty burgers). Marc ordered two and I ordered three.

And the looks that were coming my way were great!

One woman after picking her brain for a couple minutes finally approached me and asked,

“What are you going to do with all that?”
“Well I’m going to eat it of course.” I said.
“How many is that?” she fired back.
“All of it about 90 burgers all together.”

To which I wasn’t going to eat three crave cases, but I just wanted to get a reaction out of her.
And I did, she was completely bewildered and probably sharted herself.

I was the only one that ordered cheeseburgers because I will NOT eat a hamburger.
So we get back to Marc’s place and what’s fun about crave cases is that you can have your own pretend business meeting with the way they package the shit.

It’s like a cardboard briefcase of pure goodness and I like to sit at a table until someone insults me and I close up my briefcase of whities and tell them “..that this meeting is OVER.”

I feel exponentially special after a scene like that.

Anyway, we started and it came down to Nick and me. I already ate about 15 and he was staying right up there with me. After about 17, everything hit me like a ton of bricks and it was getting harder with every bite. Then I had to stop at (22 I think) and sure enough, Nick ate 23, which really pissed me off.

Nick, if you will remember, is always the one that beats me in poker. In fact the first time I met him, he nailed me with a hockey stick.

What an ass!

There you go, it’s not a proud moment in my life, but I certainly learned from the experience.

You can talk all you want about white castle hamburger eating contests, but unless you win it’s not worth the time, effort, weight, and the methane.

Thursday I’ll be rating some more fabulous babes!

Monday, January 17, 2005

Stupid Pie!

And I know
what your heart desires
But you can’t take it with you
Into the fire



It was an alright run.

The only thing that saved this year’s Vikings team was that win over the Packers last week. As a result, I think that Randy Moss has quietly established himself as one of the most funniest athletes.

Seriously, the guy is kinda hilarious in a sick way.
Lets look back of all the thuggin’ things he has done…

Back in the day he…
-beat the crap out of another high school kid, ending his Notre Dame Scholorship
-got kicked out of Florida St. because he smoked marijuana (because FSU is so ‘clean’)
So that got him stuck at Marshall.

Nothing terribly funny about that except here’s a guy who’s got it made but he keeps fucking it up in stupid ways.

Then he comes to the NFL and he…
“…play[s] when he wants to play” which is a really stupid thing to say.

Squirts a ref with a water bottle. I think this is somewhat funny seeing as he was fined $25,000 for such an incident is funny in a stupid way. It’s funny like slap stick comedy is funny because of all the stupid things to waste your money on. Then the journalists always have to bring it up that he was fined for squirting and official with water. It would be like me squirting someone from OSHA for him pointing out me not wearing safety glasses.

OSHA dude: and you should be wearing safety glasses when you enter a lab.
Berg: pfff go to hell man! Bad call. Bad call. (squirt)

Then he’d just stand their drenched and wonder if I really DID drench him with water because who does that?

Then he hit a traffic cop in a parking garage while he was ‘rockin the ganje’. I admit this is also stupid, but as much as it is stupid its really god damn funny. I mean don’t we all just wanna hit these people? Plus it sets up a scene that we’ve only seen in movies like Half Baked and Friday. Hell, even throw in the afro and you go yourself a movie right there!
On top of all that, I bet he was even drinking orange pop and eating a bucket of chicken while doing so as referenced in Undercover Brother. Pfff why not, it’s my damn imagination!

Then there’s the mooning incident which is funny and has been talked to death.

Then last Friday…

Reporter: "Write the check yet, Randy?
Moss: "When you're rich you don't write checks."
Reporter: "If you don't write checks, how do you pay these guys?"
Moss: "Straight cash, homey."
Reporter: "Randy, are you upset about the fine?"
Moss: "No, cause it ain't shit. Ain't nothing but 10 grand. What's 10 grand to me? Ain't shit … Next time I might shake my dick."

He did this whole conversation while walking to his SUV wearing a hood over his head and a big ass grin on this face all while sporting that awesome Afro.

When I first saw this on TV, I fell on the floor laughing and I started ending all my sentences with ‘homey’.
Fabulous! Even for a blue-collar guy like me, I thought this was side-splitting humor.
I’m not making fun of the guy; I just think he’s a riot. Moss is just playing with the media and the media is pretty much his bitch. I love it

Anywho, how bout them Pats? Good lord, they held one of the most high octane, working on all cylinders, prolific, red hot, and any other cliché you can think of-team that has been around. And the Pats only give up 3?

Next weeks games are going to be incredible!

I got a ton of crap to give you.

Da list

1. People on the roads who drive slow to gawk at a crash.
OK, you’re on the freeway and it’s been reduced to one lane because of an accident creating instant rush hour traffic. You’ve been waiting 10 minutes already when you finally come to the scene. By this time, I don’t care what the hell happened, I just want to get going. But no, the old dude in front of you has to drive even slower because he wants to see some blood and caution tape, so he drives even slower. The guys is IDLEING THOUGH THE CRASH SCENE!

Dude, you got a hundred cars behind you and if you wanted to see this crash, YOU’D BUY A NEWSPAPER!!! I absolutely hate this because he’s got daylight in front of him, but he insists on gawking! It would be like Brian Westbrook waiting for Jon Runyan to move his ass because Runyan’s gawking at someone who strained their hamstring.

I wouldn’t mind if he was gawking at Shakira shaking her ass on the median or Eva Longoria and Nikki Cox havin’ their way with each other on a Cadillac, BUT NOT FOR A DAMN CRASH!
Man, I hate that!

2. Old Minnesota People and Female Basketball
I know I have mentioned this before, but WTF? My parents are the biggest factor behind this point because they LOVE gopher women’s basketball. They know when they are playing; they know the players, and THEY EVEN GO TO THE GAMES!!! In fact, they’ve always watched the girls high school basketball tournaments.

It just boggles my mind and pisses me off for some strange reason.

I’m not against women playing sports, but it’s like watching basketball in slow motion.
And they’re not the only ones; it seems like all the old, white people in Minnesota love girls’ basketball! Lindsey Wahlen sits on the right hand of Kirby Puckett in terms of Minnesota sports heros.
It’s beyond me.

3. American Idol
I can honestly say that I have never watched a complete episode of this gawd awful show.
WHY DO PEOPLE CONTINUE TO SUPPORT THIS SHOW?
When will people learn that everyone that has a ‘great voice’ all sound the same? All the ‘great’ singers have those annoying frills and their vocals doing really fast loopty loops during each song while they wave their palms everywhere. All while seemingly taking a facial dump in their low rise pants and pink boots.

Now, it’s one thing to be a ‘great’ singer, but it should be a completely different story for MUSICIANS (AKA: people who CREATE their own music) and a lot don’t necessarily have a good voice. I mean, Bob Dylan didn’t have the pipes of Sebastian Bach and certainly Roger Waters is NOT a good singer, but they still managed to sell some of the highest selling albums of all time.

Simon, Paula, and the other dude just look for prototype singers and never look at creativity.

Or something like that.

4. Backbreaking Hands in Poker
So now all of my buddies have poker fever and we’ve been playing just about every weekend.
[As a side note, I have made it to the final two, or the final table in each of the last four ‘tournaments’ AKA, I rock!]
Anyway, it’s down to three people and we’ve all god hands that rock, evidenced by us throwing all our money in the middle. I had three tens with my pocket tens, so I thought I would be rolling in the money.
Shaun lays his hand down; two pairs… aww damn, but THAT DOESN’T STOP THE THREE TENS BUTTHOLE! YEAH!!!
So, I’m still feeling good. Nick then puts down his seven or something and I’m pretty much counting my winnings.

HE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING STRAIGHT and he lays it down like,
“Oh look at this, I think I just won!”

And for review,
Straight (Nick) beats…
Three of a kind (Tom), which beats…
Two pair (Shaun)
And this all happened in the last hand of the game.

5. The Deception of Pie
Before all this poker fiasco started, we all were watching football when this commercial (which features pie) popped up.

Tom: Damn I could go for some pie homeys.
Marc (looks over inquisitive): You serious? Because, I could really go for some pie too.
Tom: Damn right I’m serious! I’d pay straight cash, homey!

So we then talked about pie for a good half hour while watching some football. Finally we decided that we couldn’t take anymore.

So we got French Silk and Banana Cream. Great choices!

Oh it was good and I had to have seconds because it hit the spot.
After I had about four slices of pie, I had this sick Augustus Gloop-like feeling and that I would fall over and die.
Because after all, pie is not pizza in that the first slice is as good as the last.

No, Pie is something that you can only have one slice of because if you don’t, it stabs you in the back and you feel like it betrayed you.

Pie is the god damn devil…homey.

Friday, January 14, 2005

The New Pad

When the truth is found--to be lies
And all the joy--within you dies
Don’t you want somebody to love
Don’t you need somebody to love



For those of you interested in that ‘other’ eating contest for which I lost..

It was White Castles and I don’t wanna talk about it.

Last week sometime late at night I decided to start some hardcore thinking of renting vs. buying. I talked to a number of people, I got prequalified for a couple loans, and I was really looking at the prices of houses compared to the neighborhoods. I had a ‘good faith estimate’ of all the money I would need at closing and all the money I would need on a monthly basis. I really looked at this estimate with a steel eye. After about 15 minutes I finally came up with a decision.

I can’t afford a house without the stress getting to me. I mean I could barely afford a house, but then that would mean that I wouldn’t be able to eat the gas station sandwiches that I crave so much. I also would have guilt with the weight of a house on my shoulders every time I go to the strip joint or to the blues bar.
I don’t need that kinda stress. My hair is already going, I don’t need to blow it all before I’m 30! I don’t want to be balder than my dad at the age of 26!
For instance, If the roof started leaking I would probably be balder than Michael Stipe and have an ulcer with just the site of discolored ceiling tiles.
GOOD LORD!

~~~~~~~~~~
Stranger I haven’t seen I a couple years: Damn Tom, heredity really kicking your ass!
Tom: It’s not heredity. I’m a homeowner.
~~~~~~~~~~
Not to mention that I wouldn’t have any money to get any kind of a decent TV let alone a big ass one and then there’s cable! Then I’m thinking of all the little things I’m going to have to buy. I’m talking about food, detergent, vacuum cleaner, toilet paper, paper towels, broom, and all the other little piddly shit I gotta get.

Not to mention that I don’t want to deal with realtors and renters at the moment.

So I got my own place. It’s a decent apartment. It’s got the underground parking with car wash, balcony to piss off of, washer/dryer, and it’s bad ass. It’s really close to my house but the place also has controlled entry so if my mom strolls by, I don’t have to necessarily let her in.
haha


Football Talk

I love message boards! I have about 7 message boards that I read whenever I can. The board that I especially check is the KFAN board because it’s filled with goofy, sarcastic assholes.

Since the word spread that the Vikings were going to play the Eagles, everyone from KFAN started migrating to the eagles message board and now shats being flung around everywhere. The Vikes fans know that vikes had a mediocre season and that they ‘backed in’ to the playoffs, but they’re still dishing it out.

Clearly the vibe of both boards are totally different: The eagles board is filled with hardcore fans that seem to lose any kind of objectivity and see the world with green tinted glasses. The Vikes fans are like mosquitoes in that they know that they don’t have much to base anything off of, but they’re still going to try to piss off the hard-core fans.

Now if I may, I’m going to start throwing out some gross generalizations about fans.
Green bay fans are racist
Vikings fans are naive (hey, we still hold on!)
Philadelphia fans are homophobic.

Just about every reply by an Eagle’s fan has something to do with Moss being Culpepper’s ‘butt buddy’ and the like. I haven’t heard such homophilia since—today, here at work actually.

Whatever.

This weekend is one hell of a weekend for football and my pocketbook.

Sunday, I think I’m finally going to buy a ‘big-ass’ TV. I’ve been doing some research and I think I have pinpointed the right TV for my new pad. It's gonna be phat!

Every game this weekend should be good games, especially in the AFC.

Picks

Last week I went (2-2) and overall for post-season picking I’m (2-2)

NY Jets @ Pittsburgh
Having to play the Chargers one week and THEN the Steelers is just ridiculous. The Jets were oh so close to screwing up that game, luckily that linebacker has a kicker that can kick field goals (Doug Brien, the guy who missed 2 extra points in a game once). I think Bettis will have the best of the Jets though.
Steelers 24 Jets 13

St. Louis @ Atlanta
I can totally see Michael Vick having a HUGE game (and not because he’s on my fantasy team). Nah I bet he’ll get 100 rushing and I bet the Falcons beat the crap out of the Rams.
Falcons 31 Rams18

Indianapolis @ New England
This, now THIS is the game that I want to see (other than the vikes). The media loves the Colts, but ya can’t really count the Pats out. The Pats secondary is banged up and the Colts offense is damn good. Eh, I’ll go with the media.
Colts 31 Patriots 24

Minnesota @ Philadelphia
I’ve seen this way too many times before. We get one great win and then all of a sudden everyone thinks we’re going to the Super bowl. The Eagles are already favored by 9.5, but their starters haven’t played in something like five weeks. I can’t help but think that last weeks Vikings/Packers game was a huge fluke. I don’t know. I gotta go with Philly
Eagles 24 Vikings 10

Prove me wrong guys, prove me wrong
Good weekends all around

Thursday, January 13, 2005

Doughnuts, I Like Doughnuts

Well, here's a poke at you
You're gonna choke on it too
You're gonna lose that smile
Beacuse all the while
I can see for miles and miles


Here's how much of a nerd I am. I'm nerdier than H. Damn!


I am nerdier than 20% of all people. Are you nerdier? Click here to find out!



So H thinks that ‘back in the day’ he could’ve taken me in an eating contest. Pfff back in the day, I didn’t know any better. Back in the day I’d eat tons of everything knowing full well that heredity was totally in my favor. I could’ve tackled a 72oz steak at 4pm knowing full well that I would shat that whole 72ounces at 10pm. It was great!

Now that I’m a little older and wiser I know that I may have slipped a little on my eating styles.

Not that I am ‘wise’ or anything. Basically all I know now is that,

If you eat right,
You shit right! (The More You Know)


I learned that little nugget from my second eating conquest in Gatlinburg, TN.

I was on a backpacking trip with about 13 other students from the UofM and we were on our way to spending spring break ’02 backpacking in the Smokey Mountains of TN. We were more than happy to leave the overcast days of Minnesota for sixty degree weather and we were eager to see what the hiking was going to be like in TN.

I was curious about something else, the taste of Krispy Kreme doughnuts because I knew we would be passing by some towns that had these doughnuts that I heard so much about.

The trip took about 26 hours of straight driving and just about the whole time, I would tell everyone about the all the legendary tales (I heard) about Krispy Kreme doughnuts. Then another would join in and tell all of us about a tall tale they heard about these glorious doughnuts.

After the first couple stories, we knew that we would have some krispie kreme doughnuts if it was going to kill us! That and the Waffle House, we never been there either.

For those of you that haven’t been to Gatlinburg, it’s probably the 2nd greatest place on Earth for people over 50 (next to Branson MO.) If you’re younger, the place is a nightmare. Confederate flags were flown everywhere! Terrible country music everywhere (not that I’m against country, it’s the ‘redneck’ country I don’t care for), traffic everywhere, and tourist stores EVERYWHERE.

Gatlinburg is the ‘gateway city’ to the Great Smokey Mountains in the Southeast portion of TN. Gatlinburg is unfortunately the city you need to endure in order to enter the Great Smokey Mountains.

Anyway, as we were heading into Gatlinburg we were stuck on this god forsaken US Highway 441 that runs RIGHT INTO the heart of Gatlinburg. This fuckin highway had stoplights every quarter mile for about (it seemed like) ten miles! We already hated Gatlinburg at this point, but we figured such a goofy town should probably have a Krispie Kreme somewhere.

They had one and we were loopy from 26 hours of being stuck in a van, so we cheered for about a half hour because it took that long to see it and sit through the lights to get there.

When we got there, we ordered endless amounts of doughnuts and drank tons of milk.

That’s when Teal and Ben started talking trash about who could eat four doughnuts the fastest. It went on and on and it was starting to sound like ‘Name That Tune’ with one person saying,
“ I could eat four doughnuts in 50 seconds”
“yeah well, I could eat four doughnuts in 45 seconds” and it just went nowhere.

Finally I said,
“Guys let’s just buy a dozen doughnuts and see who could eat four doughnuts the fastest?”
Agreed, and then Jeff came in on the deal because he had four doughnuts he needed to finish.

Here are the pics,

This is the Krispy Kreme place

This is me posing in front of doughnuts (much like a strip joint)

This is all of us starting to eat (Ben's with the beard, Jeff's got the Michigan cap, and teal is the one on the right)

It was hard to down these doughnuts (45 seconds, YEAH RIGHT!!!) and I was eating so fast that I nearly puked all over everyone. According to observers, my face shot white and then I got my composure back. Here’s me nearly puking

Guess who won?

And guess who’s going to brag?


The deal was that the winner would get their dinner paid for by the group, but at that point I didn’t feel like eating anymore. After all, I did have seven doughnuts altogether and I had to go backpacking the next morning.
I’ve never gone backpacking with the shits and I didn’t want to start now. I mean I’m great at camping because I can go a week without taking a dump! My Colon and mind work together as well as Tourvil and Dean!

That night, at the campsite, I found out that seven Krispie Kreme doughnuts are like grenades on the stomach. I was holding on for dear life!

Anyway, I was able to hike with pride and It was the most and fastest amount of krispey kreme doughnuts I ate in my life.

The End.

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

One of the Best Feats of My Life

beyond the horizon of the place we lived when we were young
In a world of magnets and miracles

One of the ‘bloggin buddies’ has accomplished a feat so magical, so empowering that it makes me jealous. Eric, and a couple other people, ate 20 something scoops of ice cream mixed with brownies and other things. They call this ‘sundae’ the vermonster at Ben and Jerrys and Eric ate one.

Seriously, Eric’s got some pics on his site and the bucket looks like it could hold a gallon!

If I conquered that (what the hell am I talking about, ‘if’) WHEN I will eat that, I’m sure all hell will break loose on the thunderbucket! It would be the equivalent of Civil War II in the bathroom.

It would be worth it with all the pride I would have.

In fact I have a lifetime record of 2-1 in eating competitions between friends.

The two wins have come from Krispy Kreme Doughnuts and McDonald’s triple cheeseburgers.

The one loss was when I ate 22 White Castles. I lost by one!

I didn’t scan the pictures for the doughnut conquest yet, so I’ll talk about the triple cheeseburger competition.

Twas a hot summer day in the summer of (I don’t remember ’97or ‘’98) and five of us (Hog, Marc, Tony, Poncho, and myself) were bored out of our minds. We were hanging out over at my friend Marc’s house when we saw the advertisement of McDonalds selling a triple cheeseburgers for 99 cents.
We all looked at each other and nodded our heads in silence.

So we figured that no one could possibly eat more than five triple cheeseburgers so we each ordered five burgers each. We made the plan of splitting up so we wouldn’t all be in the drive through ordering 25 triple cheeseburgers, so three of us went inside and two went through the drive through.

Hog gets to the counter,
Hog: I’ll take five triple cheeseburgers please
McDonald’s slave: Ok sir, it’s going to take a couple minutes. Can you stand to the side?
Tony: I’ll take five triple cheeseburgers.
McD’s slave: Ok hold on
Berg: I’ll take five triple cheeseburgers, bich

That’s when McDonalds went into a frenzy and workers were running around struggling to find some sort of order. Then a lady starts taking off her headsets and says,
“Oh my god, this guy in the drive through wants ten triple cheeseburgers!”

McDonalds was now in an all out panic and us, goofballs, were watching this whole thing unfold.
It was great.

So we get back to Marc’s house and we all start eating.

One down


Two down (within about five minutes)

Three down (and now it was starting to get harder)

(chomp, chomp)

(breathe)

Four Down

By this time, three others (including Hog) already bailed out. Poncho and me were left and Poncho was taking off the cheese of each burger!
WTF?
This last burger took forever to eat. The cheese at this time was nasty and I swore that I would never eat another hamburger again (BAHHH HAHAHA)

(Chomp)
EEEEEEWWWWWWW
(Chomp)
AWWWW YUCK

(Chomp)
This. Is. Disgusting!

(cho-chomp)

And we’re done!

Poncho eventually ate that other burger like four hours later, without the cheese.

I ate, FIVE TRIPLE CHEESEBURGERS!!!! Everyone thought that I was going to throw up,

But did I throw up?

DID I???

Hell no! I kept that gut rot in me like a trophy waiting for the light of day and the splash of holy toilet water.

To this day, when you hear about ‘the one that ate 5 triple cheeseburgers’ know that I was the main character of that tall tale!

Tomorrow, I’ll talk about my other conquest, complete with pics.

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Urine Frisbees

Suit and tie comes up to me
His face red like a rose on a thorn bush
Like all the colours of a royal flush
And he's peelin' off those dollar bills
(Slappin' 'em down)
One hundred, two hundred

For those who are wondering,
I am a totally ridiculous St. Paul, Minnesota rube. I hated the movie Feeling Minnesota because of the name—What is ‘Feeling Minnesota’ supposed to mean anyway?
Thus the Soundgarden song, Outshined, really bugged me in that same way. I would always watch our sports teams on National TV hoping that one day a piece of home would be shown.

It’s really god damn sad actually.

Orbitron19 has a site, ‘46,XY’ ( Sorry, I don’t know what any of that means) and if you ever want to look at another ‘St. Paul’ site for a second opinion, this is a good site to check out.

Sometimes I might say something to the like of,
‘It was soooo cold I made an ice frisbie with my own urine!’

Then you could check out Orbitron’s site to see if it was indeed that cold. Like maybe he would say something like,
‘It was really cold, but not cold enough to make wierd things out of urine’

To which, you would sit back and give an ‘Ah’ and a sigh and realize that I greatly exaggerated the whole thing.

Orb talks about everything including very interesting topics like the ‘The Curse of Elton John’ and…

AND…

(god bless him) he’s got an AFRO HALL OF FAME!!!! Seriously, he’s got a bunch of pics of glorious afros that would make your jaw drop.

They are a thing of beauty!

Also, he’s works for the St. Paul Saints, (the team owned by Mike Veeck and Bill Murray). Also known for resurrecting the career of Darryl Strawberry for the third time, giving JD Drew something to do while bitching about a contract, and I think they signed the oldest player ever but I might be wrong.

Anyway, there is going to be a ‘blognight’ at the Saints where bloggers from Minnesota and all over will come and cause a commotion and watch some quality, outdoor baseball. The game is on Monday June 13th and I do believe I will probably attend because one lucky blogger (aka nerd) will throw out the first pitch!

I can only dream.

Details for the game are on Orb’s site on the side bar.

Venting on the game

First off, I must admit that I already had a can of pop (or carbonated drink) because I get these big ass headaches and then I get grumpy and then everyone loses. So I need to safely and surely ‘come off’ my addiction to caffeine so I don’t screw up my body (like what mac and cheese usually does).

When I wrote yesterdays entry, I didn’t know the freaking media would be all appalled by Moss fake mooning the fans.

Chris Berman on ‘Sunday Night NFL’ was about ready to start blubbering because Moss defiled Lambeau and it’s classy fans…or something like that.
Apparently Randy Moss will be going to football hell for such an act.

ESPN wouldn’t even replay the celebration because it was so lewd.

You. Gotta. Be. Kidding. Me!

Apparently showing huge violent basketball riots between fans and players repeatedly; with fists going everywhere is perfectly ok. I mean that scene was on for about three days straight. They even used it as advertising for the second game on Christmas!

These ‘classy’ fans from Lambeau??? The same fans that take dumps in their snowmobile suits and piss in sinks?

Are those the classy fans???

I keed, I keed, but the notion that these fans are better than anyone (because…well, I don’t know why) is ludicrous!

And then, at the end of the first half Favre runs the ball to the three yard line and it looks like he’s going to get the first down when he flings the ball in the end zone. Everyone cheers but the play is called back because he’s FOUR YARDS OVER THE LINE OF SCRIMMAGE! Not to mention that he could’ve gotten the first down, threw a stupid ball that could’ve been batted down, and he ended a successful drive by the Pack.

It was a stupid, bonehead play.

THE GUY GOT PRAISED BY THE ANNOUNCERS!!! Chris Collinsworth said something along the lines of “here’s a guy who’s having fun like a kid”.
Chris Berman even put it at number three for best plays of the week!

I just don’t get it.

Sunday I watched the game with my family for the first time in (something like) three years and I now know why.

About a minute before the kickoff my Dad changes the channel to the Women’s Gophers Basketball game in which they are crushing New Mexico by about forty points.

Tom: WHAT ARE YOU DOING? THIS GAME IS BLOWOUT AND NOT TO MENTION IT’S WOMENS BASKETBALL!
Dad: Yeah but they’re cute!
Tom: NO THEY’RE NOT, THEY’RE WOMENS BASKETBALL PLAYERS!!!

I was kinda got caught up in the heat of the moment, but I will never understand my parent’s love of female basketball.

So the game starts and he has this breakthrough play in mind.

Dad (with a mouthful of peanuts): You know what they should do? They should just throw it to Moss on the first play of the game. That would be great! Toss it to Moss!
Thank you Scott Linehan.
It rivals with his basketball analysis when he thinks that Cassell (pronounced like ‘castle’) should just hit a three all the time.

Anyway, throughout the game I was as loud as anyone, screaming during every touchdown in the craziest way possible. I’m sure my parents looked at each other many times during the game and frowned on my yelling and screaming…and punching.
Whatever it was good times.

Monday, January 10, 2005

VICTORY!!!!!!!

We're still building and burning down love
Burning down love.
And when I go there
I go there with you
It's all I can do


Sorry, no crap list today, I’m just filled with so much love.
Speaking of love, the first five minutes of the game was so special, I just about left love all over myself.

And THAT was the best Viking game I have ever witnessed.

The words you are reading at this time are words from an extremely happy man.

-God, er Favre threw four interceptions and looked like the worst quarterback ever.
-It happened in Lambeau
-Numerous Packer fans already reserved tickets in Atlanta
-It happened in the playoffs

and most importantly,

THE VIKINGS BEAT THE PACKERS!!!!!!!!!!

The prayer has been answered.

I love it, I love it!

Therefore; If you remember from last Friday I wrote,

“If the vikes win, I’d… -run around my block in my underwear (eh, I can’t
that’s irrational)

-call up ever Packer fan I know and cock off ( I could, but
that’s what a Packer fan does)

-confirm ‘VICTORY’ on the blog (doing so right now)

-stop eating fast food (I plan on giving up fast food for the near
future)

-drink more water (starting today)

-get a house (nah, I’ll talk about it tomorrow. I gotta be rational)

-piss in my sink (for spite) [check that off tonight]

-Send my dad’s friend (Packer season ticket holder) a couple
six packs of the Twin Cities finest brews (talked about that today)

and finally,
-Celebrate like I won next years Stanley’s Cup (someone has
to)” (In the process)


I’m on cloud 9. I absolutely love it!

Of course, Packer fans are going to bitch about Moss. Moss told a fan to ‘look at the mofo scoreboard” and they’re calling that verbal abuse. Awww poor Packer fans, virgin ears couldn’t take the abuse?
That’s a shame.

COME ON!
Then, the celebration that Moss performed (the mooning) was classless.
Maybe, but I don’t care. I thought it was funny. Hell, if he flicked off the crowd I’d still be ‘rollin’ like Culpepper! I hate the packers THAT much.

I wouldn’t care!

In fact, I’ll do this…
*rubs thumb and index fingertips together*
You know what this is? This is the world’s smallest violinist playing JUST FOR THE PACKER FANS.

And then I’ll say this…

Good game guys.


BAAAHHHHH HAHAHAHAHAHA

So now, the Vikes are playing Philly next week and the Packers are playing…Oh that’s right, they lost in the playoffs, at ‘magical’ Lambeau, with God at the helm (who, by the way, is a DUMBASS), to none other than the Vikes: The team that has only won two games outdoors in the past two years--The same team that backed themselves into the playoffs-- The same team that has Tice as the coach (which I still don’t like).

Oh it’s so good!

Do I think the Vikes will win next week? I dont know, and I dont care.
This was the game I wanted!

Probably a classless post on my part, but deal with it.
Until tomorrow.

Friday, January 07, 2005

This sucks

ugh, looks bad for snow....

we're on pace for the worst winter ever

Pissing Away the Playoffs

We've got warehouses of butter
We've got oceans of wine
We've got famine when we need it
We Got designer crime



Anyway, now it seems that I might entertain the thought of gardening…

I did some hardcore talking about houses. I spoke with ‘the guys’ some more and I even talked to the old man.

As I’m talking to my Dad other guys start gathering around and pretty soon we’re talking about old stories from twenty years ago.

The one thing I got out of the conversation was…

“Pff your Dad and I still don’t know what we want to do when we grow up. You can spend years planning for your life until it’s gone.”

Despite all the stories and the advice, that last sentence kinda sunk a little deeper.

Yeah, I’m calling a realtor tomorrow.

FUCK IT, I’m doin it!!!


Tom’s take on the Vikings/Packers game

*on hands and knees*
PLEASE GOD, PLEASE GIVE THE VIKES SOME LUCK THIS WEEKEND! I’m not asking for a Super Bowl, I’d just settle for a Green Bay clobbering in Lambeau!

Oh man how sweet would that be? Maybe a game like this…

Monday, October 5, 1998 Lambeau Field, Green Bay
The Packers had already won (something like) 23 straight home games in a row and had to face the 4-0 Minnesota Vikings.

All the reports were calling for the Packers to win. Brad Johnson, the Vikes starting quarterback, was already injured and knocked out for eight weeks or something. Randall Cunningham was at the helm on this rainy, miserable night in Green Bay.

Vikings obliterated the pack on Monday Night Football in Lambeau, and destroying that home winning streak stat.

It was perfect! Cunningham could do whatever he wanted. Moss caught something like 3 passes for 3 TD’s and 190 yards. We ran the ball whenever we wanted and our defense actually stopped the pack.

The fans started leaving in the 3rd quarter. The same fans that don’t ever boo or ‘leave early’.

The Vikes won 37-24 but it wasn’t even that close

It was, in my opinion, the greatest Vikings game ever!

If the Vikes could play even half as well as that night, it would be good enough for the win.

If the vikes win, I’d…
-run around my block in my underwear
-call up ever Packer fan I know and cock off
-confirm ‘VICTORY’ on the blog
-stop eating fast food
-drink more water
-get a house
-piss in my sink (for spite)
-Send my dad’s friend (Packer season ticket holder) a couple six packs of the Twin Cities finest brews
and finally,

-Celebrate like I won next years Stanley’s Cup (someone has to)

Oh for just one win!

Yuck, last week I went (7-9)
The regular season I went…(148-104)

St. Louis @ Seattle
I really hate the Rams. I was pissed when I found out that they went to the playoffs instead of Carolina and New Orleans. This game is really hard to predict.
I’m going for the home team because… I don’t know
Seahawks 34 Rams 28

NY Jets @ San Diego
The AFC playoffs are about as good as it gets. I’m a pretty big Charger buff and I think they just might do it. However; the Jets have more playoff experience and I think that they just might pull it off
Jets 17 Chargers 16

Denver @ Indianapolis
Champ Bailey will be on Marvin Harrison…So what.
Colts 42 Broncos 27


Minnesota @ Green Bay
As much as I can hope and dream, there’s no way in hell I can take the Vikings in this game. Their play calling is just to fuckin stupid, their defense sucks too bad, and (worst of all) Tice will be equipped with the red flag and that god damn pencil.
It’s has the perfect ingredients for an upset, but this is the Vikings we’re talking about.
Packers 42 Vikings 18

Prove me wrong guys, prove me wrong

Thursday, January 06, 2005

Pissing off of Balconies, Mailboxes

I know that it will hurt
I know that it will break your heart
the way things are
and the way they've been

God damn that was close!

Yesterday I told you about how I found a place on the East Side and even dropped a security deposit down. I got the money back and the landlord pretty much thinks I am as impulsive as a female.

I probably would’ve signed the lease I didn’t talk to my coworkers and didn’t have to be ‘approved’ to sign a lease.

The guy did seam a little sketchy telling me that he usually turns away nine out of ten people that call up about the place.

I think I may have figured out what I am going to do. I’m going to live my American dream for now and possibly take some extra money and invest it in other ways (gambling, dominoes, burlesque, ect).

I was really pondering last night the rent vs. buy debate. It came down to a lawnmower. I don’t even like the thought of buying and maintaining a lawnmower, why the fuck would I want to take on a house?

Beyond the lawnmower, I’d have to attempt to grow some shit by establishing a garden, insulating the windows every fall, and fix the toilet when I clog it up.

How the hell do I attempt to garden? I’m trying to imagine myself stumbling outta bed at 11:30am in my Led Zeppelin T and stabbing my toe with a shovel.

Nieghbor: What are you trying to do there, Tom?
Tom(digging in the ‘garden’): I’m (grunt) trying to plant these fucking (grunt) Dahlias against those god damn blocks, then over there against that son of a bitch (grunt) threshold I’m going to plant an assload of beautiful Fuschias. Geez, these fucking goddamn holes ya gotta dig for these fucking lilies are killing my back!

It wouldn’t even go that far because I wouldn’t give a crap about my yard. Neighbors all over the place would be pissed off at me for not mowing or taking care of my lawn let alone grabbing the paper outta the driveway while cussing, scratching my chest, and taking a piss next to the mail box all at 2:30 in the afternoon.

It wouldn’t be a good site

Dogs are better trained than me and I’m thinking of buying a house?

After that debacle yesterday I’ve rethought about where I want to live. I’ve pretty much wiped out all of Ramsey County because only the most ‘fucked up’ of the already fucked up people grew up in Ramsey County. Then there’s Dakota cou—PLEWWWWW I just spit out my pop. I wont even joke about living in Dakota county where all you hear is the sound of breaking Benjamin..or is that the slaughter house?

Nah, I’m going to try and stick to Washington Co. I even have a couple of options.
One includes the apartments that contain great ‘pissing’ balconies.

Ah memories.

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

Pissing in the Sink

But I know a place where we can go
That's still untouched by men
We'll sit and watch the clouds roll by
And the tall grass wave in the wind

What an unusual day.

I’m sick and tired of living at home and with my Mom being unusually grumpy; I really needed to start looking for shacks.

I look in the paper and find one, call up the dude, and stop over to take a look at the place. The guy was really nice and showed me everything. He unexpectedly found my niche in that I like the outdoors and enjoy hiking. Well, he just happened to have a million miles of trails right next to the shack (apartment). Not to mention it’s by the lake that I spent a whole summer training for the marathon.

I decided that I liked the place and price and all he needed was to look at my renting history.

Cool

I come into work and tell ‘the guys’ about my new pad and they’re like,

Guys: Man, I remember that old place I used to live at on X street
Dumb Tom: oh really? That’s the place that I checked out today.
(They both just stare at me in shock)
S: DID YOU SIGN A LEASE!?
Dum Tom: No
S (heavily breathing): Then go over to ‘the landlord’ and tell him that you’re not interested.


Then came list after list of all the terrible, shocking tidbits about that place.

Before that conversation came a good two hours of day dreaming about my ‘new place’ and being away from home and sleeping in a respectable bed.

That dream quickly faded when the guys told me about this landlord was a sleaze bag.

I usually wouldn’t have committed so fast, but I just hate my situation living at home.


See the problem I have is renting vs. buying
Buying makes the most sense allowing your money to actually ‘go into’ something instead of throwing it away. Then there are the tax incentives and the sheer investment of a house is as good as it gets. Then there’s the sweet ass deal of selling and keeping that money tax-free (That could easily be $250k!)
It’s all fine and sweet but…
I don’t know what my situation is going to be in the next couple years and I’m too damn lazy and ignorant to fix water heaters and insulation problems (not to mention the other issues that come up).
It’s tough! If I purchase a house then my fabulous money bin is not swim able. Then again, if I rent out a sweet ass pad, I can still afford “Tom’s American Dream” and still have some money to invest or spend on Doritoes.

My American dream is to get a big-ass HDTV and a decent sound system so I can watch Apollo 13, Hero, and widescreen porn. That is, in fact, my paradise.

Not to mention having my own space to dance in my underwear and piss in the sink (hey, its in the genes—I’m half Wisconsin).

The dream wont be fulfilled at home. My Mom (and any other sane person) would put a stop to that.

And I feel guilty shelling out $700+ towards a new pad when it could be better spent
And it’s hard to commit toward a house and all the maintenance required.

A wee bit of a bind.

One thing that I have learned from my house/apartment hunting are the mortgage companies.

I remember a couple people nagging me in the past about how you should pay your bills on time so you can invest in a house in the future.

What a load of crap that is.
Mortgage companies are like little whores—they’ll pretty much give anyone anything the want. You could walk into the lobby of a mortgage company and hold up five bucks. Everyone will get on their hands and knees and look at the money.

Tom: HEY! Listen here, do I qualify for a loan?
Mortgage crowd: RUFF, RUFF. Yes, take whatever you want!
Tom: Can I buy this million-dollar home?
Mortgage crowd (stands up and starts acting normal): yeah of course you can, even though we know you can’t afford it, we’re still the ones that’ll fuck you good in the end. We’ll give you a good 12% interest rate to top it off. Now sign this sheet and blammo, you’re fuct!