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Sunday, July 31, 2005

List 'O Crap

Christ! You know it ain’t easy,
You know how hard it can be.
The way things are going,
They’re going to crucify me.

I know a great way to achieve one of those little lingering headaches that are more irritating than painful. See, all one has to do is wake up early on a Sunday morning and play football in 80+ degree weather for three hours. Then not only are you nearly dying of heat exhaustion, but your probably sunburnt AND tired from waking up early on Sunday morning and odds are that you didn’t sleep terribly early the night before.

Yeah that was my Sunday, sitting on my couch with a little headache, resting my soreness from football, and watching *shudders* bass fishing (which I’ll get into tomorrow).

Moral of the story: never wake up early

Crap List

1. Movies on TV
I was watching the emotional and uplifting I Am Sam on CBS last night.

Every great scene was interrupted with:

“STAY TUNED FOR CLIPS FROM BIG BROTHER 6! ONLY ON CBS!”

AHHHAGH! I just don’t understand why we can’t watch an uninterrupted movie with just a little product's symbol in the corner (in place of the network watermark thingy) for five minutes or something.

Actually what may be even more annoying, but more fun would be to use today’s technology and fit product placements in the movies. Like for I Am Sam, have Sam wearing a drawn in McDonalds cap or having him hold a bottle of Miller Lite or something to that nature.

Depending on how much money Miller throws in Penn could be holding a bottle of Miller Lite for the entire movie and people would think,
“Damn, I need a beer!” after being totally annoyed by the classless networks.

2. The Twins and how they totally got fucked in the ass this weekend.
A lot of people are pissed off at the Twins right now for not making a move yesterday and they may have if Hunter didn’t screw up his foot on Friday.

Oh yeah, teams like Boston and Texas knew the situation the Twins were in and it probably went like this,

Phone conversation with Theo Epstein and Terry Ryan before Friday

Ryan: So I got a couple average starting pitchers, what would you give for them?

Epstein: Well lets see here, Manny…

Ryan & Epstein: BWAHAHAHAHAA OHHAHAHAHAHA BLAHWAHAHAHAHAH

Epstein: Ok, ok I’m sorry. Ah *wipes tear* well, I’ve always been annoyed by Mueller and Millar because their names are so screwed up. I mean why can’t they just be ‘Millers’? And Mueller should be pronounced ‘MULE-ER’ but no because he’s such a dick.
GOD! I hate it Terry! I just hate it. Take ‘em! take ‘em both! *audible papers being thrown around*

Ryan: Hmmm, well lets just take this conversation and save it into a lockbox and perhaps we’ll unlock this lockbox on Sunday.

Epstein:…the Millar. What did his ancesters want to be different? Stupid goddamn….

Ryan: see ya

then, the ugliest play I have ever seen happened on Friday. Three errors on one play!

Oh it was ugly! Mauer was standing on home plate looking right, then left, then right, then left and never touched the ball. Johnny Damon was the recipient of the stupidest looking inside the parker I have ever seen.

Oh God, let it never happen again!

THEN if a 3-7 road trip wasn’t bad enough they lost one of their last remaining good fielders on Friday for at least 4-6 weeks at least.

So I can only imagine Terry Ryan on Sunday talking to the Rangers and Red Sox without anything resembling leverage to these teams.

Texas GM: We’ll give you Soriano for Lohse…

Ryan: okaaaay,

“…Mays and Romero…”

“sure, “

“and Liriano”

*spits out his Yoohoo* “LIRIANO!? You mean our #1 minor league prospect who’s making Lohse and Mays expendable?

“yup”

“The same pitcher who is 5-1 with an ERA of 1.83 who’s averaging a strike out an inning in AAA?”

“yup”

“The same pitcher who just pitched 8 shut out innings, struck out 10, and only gave up ONE hit?

“Yup, that‘s the dude!!”

“Oh well fuck you! How ‘bout Boof Bonser?”

“Ah no. We don’t even want Boof!”

The same went with Boston because everyone knew how desperate the Twins were and there was no way they would let go of Liriano based on the potential rotation next year (or later this year) of

Radke
Santana
Silva
Liriano
Baker

Which would mean that if (and I mean if) the Twins could scratch out one run a game, we could probably win the game.

Alright that’s all,

Tomorrow I talk about bass fishing!

Friday, July 29, 2005

Yar, A Discovery!

Leaves are falling all around, It's time I was on my way.
Thanks to you, I'm much obliged for such a pleasant stay.
But now it's time for me to go. The autumn moon lights my way.
For now I smell the rain, and with it pain, and it's headed my way.
Sometimes I grow so tired, but I know I've got one thing I got to do.


I’ve just discovered the true meaning of itunes and it’s unbelievable…for me.


Ever since I had this computer I’ve ignored mp3’s because of the whole “buying deal” now associated with them and so I’ve always just took along a cd with my bad just to have it smashed up against my books.

I would find somewhere at work and insert the CD when I’d get this box with like ten choices as to what I want to listen the CD with. This small box would always get me a little flustered and slightly mad because I don’t need four programs that do the same crap.

I’ve always been going with Winamp because it’s all I know, it’s what I grew up on during the Napster heyday, and you can change the skins to make it look like you’re pushing Catherine Bell’s buttons (which never gets old).

Anyway so I run in the mid morning and my radio armband thing is breaking down due to my manly sweat breaking down the Velcro band and it’s not like you can just buy another Velcro band.

Now that I’m in the market I was a little curious about ipods because Ron mentioned it awhile back.

“Hmmm an ipod, but how do I get my cd’s into MP3s?” I asked Ron via email.

See I’ve been using what I know from six years ago when one needed some weird converter and then there’s the bit rate and….AHHHH I’m already frustrated.

I finally figured it out and I and I feel 5 times dumder for A: carrying around CD’s for the past three months and B: not putzing around my computer to figure this out before.

I now have 15 albums on my computer and it’s constantly on shuffle.

It’s unbelievable!

So I went and bought a cute little, silly fresh, hot kinda mini ipod which has 4gigs worth of space.

4gigs!

It was just 4 months ago when I was using a desktop computer that had 3.9 gigs!

Man, I can fit this thing in my underwear!

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Decisions, Decisions

Alone...listless...breakfast table in an otherwise empty room
Young girl...violins...center of her own attention
The, mother reads aloud, child, tries to understand it
Tries to make her proud

There has been a bit of a debate going on about last nights game in regards to the managerial decisions.

Here’s the set up,

Twins Vs. Eric’s Yankees

It’s July 27th and despite the streak of losing due to the inefficient offense, the Twins still find themselves .5 games out of the wild card spot.

Santana (the Twins official unofficial Ace) has just pitched 7 innings of scoreless ball.

He’s got a pitch count of 94 and the Twins are sporting a 6-0 lead heading into the 8th.

Do you:

A: Warm up your set-up man (Rincon) and have your bullpen mop this game up?

B: Keep Santana in there for at least one more inning?

Ron Gardenhire went with option A and Rincon nearly gave up the game literally by about the size of my Johnson or 24 inches.

It’s quite a debate, but I think Gardenhire made the correct decision because of the potential risk.

If Santana were to stay at least one more inning longer he would’ve had to face the top of the Yankee lineup of Cano, Sheffield, and Rodriguez. It’s pretty safe to say that three such batters would need more than six pitches in order for a 1-2-3 inning and even that is a little far fetched.

Realistically I can see Santana pitching at least 12 pitches (due to the late innings and great hitters due up) in that inning bringing his pitch count up to 106 and Terry Ryan pacing uncontrollably in the luxury suite.

To take things even further, lets say he tweaks his arm or suffers a bit of an injury from over pitching (which is unlikely but could happen). That would completely fuck over Terry Ryan and any trades he may be pursing because almost all the trade rumors involved our 4th and 5th starters Joe Mays and Kyle Lohse. Such an injury would mean that they would be moved up to our 3rd and 4th starters with Scott Baker being called up to take the five spot. If one of those two starters is traded then the thought of another AAA pitcher or *shudder* Mulholland is probably considered.

This is even more pesky if Santana were to have a ‘day-to-day’ type injury which could last a week or a month giving Ryan a stab in the dark in terms of strategy. If it were a season ending injury then Ryan’s consideration to throw the towel and grab a bunch of prospects starts to gain momentum.

Either way Terry Ryan would’ve stabbed Gardenhire with a fork many times over.

The reason 100 is the normal cut-off limit for pitches is so pitchers don’t burn out before the post season. I know back in the day pitchers would pitch 150 pitches and start every four days… blah,blah,blah but it’s just not how things are these days.

What Gardenhire did was place the game into the hands of his bullpen, which is one of the best in the league. The bullpen should’ve mowed through the 8th and 9th innings.

Whatever, a win is a win.

The Most Glorious Day

To martyr yourself to caution
Is not going to help at all
because ther'll be no safety in numbers
When the right one walks out of the door


Just going back on my point on Monday about stupid baseball fans, it seems that it’s getting worse.

Apparently Manny Ramirez wants out of Boston now (I have no idea why). So now, there seems to be too many Twins fans who think that Terry Ryan should try to acquire Manny.

(blink:blink)

Well first.. Eh…

(blink: blink)

What the Christ? It seems that all of a sudden the Vikings fans have run amuck and started talking baseball.

Manny Ramirez, and his 22.5 million salary. The guy who was placed on wavers a couple years ago and no-one (including the Yankees) took.

I mean really!

Anyway I was reading a blog that was talking about a potential epitaph about someone peeing pink lemonade and that got me thinking.

What if I could pee pink lemonade? Or just regular lemonade?

Since this is my dream, I’m going to go the full nine add that it’s ice cold lemonade.

*thinks*

It is the most glorious day.

I’m thinking of a beautiful summer day out in the country. Clothes are hung on the side of the house with a gentile breeze pushing up against the tighty whities. The yard is huge, HUGE, and I suppose there are crops of some sort somewhere, but I’m sure as hell not growing them.
In the front yard next to the long gravel driveway stands a huge cottonwood with a tire swing tied onto it. It’s the perfect evening to a beautiful summer day and me and my family is going to have a picnic.

I’m standing at our picnic table patiently waiting for biscuits and gravy when I politely shout,
“GOD DAMMIT WOMAN I’M HUNGRY! GIT ME MY BUSCUITS QUICK OR I’LL RID YOU OFF THAT THEM TULIPS.” as I stick my thumbs in the straps of my overalls.
“Hold on honey dumpling, it’s almost ready.” much quieter coming through the screen door.

I can hear the sounds of my beautiful children playing on the other side of the house
“LIL’ BILLY, SUZIE, GIT OVER HERE! SUPPERS A’MOST ON THE TABLE! WE‘RE HAVIN‘ BUSCUITS ‘N GRAVY SO GIT OVER HERE NOW. Y‘ALL REMEMBER LAST TIME YOUS WAS LATE DONCHA?”

Around the corner they come. Lil’ Billy (9) and Lil’ Suzie (7) were the result of my idiotic idea of using Saran wrap as a contraceptive and here I am, living in the country with my family.

The wife, beautiful and resembling the woman in the Overstock.com commercials, comes out with two baskets full of biscuits and gravy spread all around.

This was good eatin!

We all sit at the preset table and say begin supper with our/my ritual of praying to my personal god, which is just like one of the guys.
“God I tell ya, today is a great day because we’re having biscuits again. I can’t wait. I also got a dirty look by that neighbor that *looks over* DRIVES ME CRAZY! YEAH I’M TALKING TO LEROY! YOU’RE A STUPID BITCH! OK, OK SHUT UP, I’M TALKING TO GOD.
*clears throat* Anyway, see ya tomorrow god.

Now for some good eatin.”

The family waits for me to take my portions and then takes the few biscuits that are left.
“Dad, what about the lemonade?”
I look at the empty pitcher of ice when it hits me.

“Oh, I’m sorry everyone, one minute”

I grab the pitcher, stand up and turn around, and unlock my suspenders holding my overalls up. It takes a couple shakes of my manhood and eventually the steady stream of lemonade makes an appearance.

It’s a good thing I drank all that water today or else my family would have to go with the sick, unfiltered country water like the time I had a hernia.

As the pitcher fills up I motion for little Billy to come and take the pitcher because I think I’ll have a little extra lemonade to fill my own glass.
“Alright, 1, 2, and GO!”

Lil’ Billy hands me my glass as I hand him the pitcher of newly pissed, ice cold lemonade as I’m still going strong into my own cup.

Finally my well dried up and I put my overalls back and turn around for my biscuits.

It is the most glorious day!

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Backpacking

Ooh, a storm is threatening my very life today
If I don't get some shelter, oh yeah I'm gonna fade away
War, children, it's just a shot away, it's just a shot away

It seems that H (who never updates his site) has acted as an enabler to an addiction that comes up every couple years.

“Dude, you gotta set up some sort of a camping trip! You’re the one who knows all the camping folks.” H says.

And it all started from there.

It all started back in 1995 when I went on a backpacking trip with my dad, brother and five others (including two older girls). The trip was spectacular with all the sights, the hard work, and the simple idea of getting away from society for 10 days.

While we were out hiking in the mountains we had no idea of any news and hardly any contact from the world. We had a great 10 day break from the stupid, worthless OJ Simpson trial and were without baseball stats for the whole duration. No radio. No TV. No newspaper. Nothing but us and our gear.

The great thing about backpacking is when one is 30 miles away from the nearest road they tend to be more down to Earth and less fake. I am also a self proclaimed comedic genius when I’m on trail. I don’t know what happens to me, but whenever I turn my cap backwards, I turn into a comedy machine.

Anyway, I went on six year backpacking hiatus until I went to Glacier National Park and when I saw wildlife and clean ‘beer commercial’ streams I had the urge once more.

Some of the best nights ever have come from backpacking trips. I would take a night under the stars over any night in my bed because it’s so soothing. That’s why I was thinking about sleeping on my balcony a couple weeks ago.

So I’m currently in the process of planning a splendid four day trek onto one of the most highly regarded trails in the US, the Superior Hiking Trail in northern Minnesota. In September no less.

Can you imagine the fall colors and crisp air!

I can’t wait!

Now for some graham crackers.

Sunday, July 24, 2005

About Gram Parsons

Hope you got your things together.
Hope you are quite prepared to die.
Looks like we're in for nasty weather.
One eye is taken for an eye


I was watching the Gram Parson’s tribute concert this last weekend on TV when I had the craving for graham crackers. Gram (or Graham) is a good name because it always gives me happy memories of me eating graham crackers. Not the typical graham crackers, but the cinnamon ones with the sugar and stuff on top.

I loved those! I would come home from school and eat a crap load of cinnamon graham crackers and watch Duck Tales.

The problem was whenever I would meet someone named Graham, I was never at a grocery store or I would never remember to buy any graham crackers.

So what did I do yesterday?

I went to the grocery store and bought barbecue sauce, chicken nuggets, and graham crackers.


Crap List

1. People who don’t smile for the camera
We all know at least one person that doesn’t like to smile for the camera and instead they give you a blank stare or worse, the ’badass’ look for every simple snapshot.

The blank stare is beyond me because I know they were ready for the snapshot and they had plenty of time to give something resembling a smile. Still, they give the ’deer in headlights’ worried look, which is uncalled for and not worth chronicling.
‘Look at me, I’m posing like an owl at my uncle’s wedding!’

The badass look, or ’I’m tough’ look’ is just stupid. It’s just a stupid, subtle pose that apparently, is supposed to make them look ‘hotter’ or ‘cooler’ when the gesture is not needed.

I’ve even seen the badass look performed in family photos which is just pathetic.
‘Look at me I’m a badass at my cousin’s first communion!’

ARGHHH SMILE DAMNIT, SMILE!!!

2. People who talk about--but don’t know shit--about baseball
With the MLB trade deadline coming in it’s final stretch everyone from radio hosts to below average fans feel the need to chime in on what needs to be done with their team of choice.
In terms of the Twins I’ve heard these statements

-Twins should trade whatever they can to get a good, big bat like Thome

-Wouldn’t Griffy look good in the outfield? We should get him

-Why can’t the Twins just spend a little money for once?

Those three statements/questions are completely stupid if you know anything about the Twins and baseball. From the top:

“Twins should trade whatever they can to get a good, big bat like Thome”
For one Thome is being paid way too much for the Twins to acquire this guy. He’s getting paid like $13 million. That’s like 25% of the current payroll, so he better be good
Two, he sucks! He’s batting 220 with an OPS of .712, near the lowest of his career.
Three he’s old (34 just like Boone)
Four, he’s injured, so stop with the stupid shit

-Wouldn’t Griffy look good in the outfield? We should get him.
It would take a great deal of Twins prospect and starters to acquire Griffey, I’m assuming. Such a move would be expensive, screw us over for the next couple years, and be nonsensical because we have too many outfielders as it is.

-Why can’t the Twins just spend a little money for once?

As much as I hate rationalizing a multi billionaire, we’ve seen it too many times to know that it just wont happen. Not to mention that is irrational and just not in the Twins place to buy such a player. The last thing we need to do is act like the Mets and buy the best 34 year old player available (not Boone since he was cheap).

Such a move could screw us royaly

3. Sparkling water beverages
Bleh! I tried one at work thinking it would merely be flavored water but I soon found out it was clear diarrhea. I couldn’t even finish the bottle I bought because it was so nasty!
It was like liquid ‘The Day After Tomorrow’ and drinking it!

Until tomorrow, have a graham cracker for me!

Real Quickly...

I went to check the temperature to see if I should keep my AC on before I head off to bed.

well....

It's 2:30am and it's 86 degrees out. Dew point is 74 DEGREES!!!!!! And weather.com says that it feels like 91 degrees!

(blink:blink)

and yes, it is night time.


Friday, July 22, 2005

Watch, 'The Day After Tomorrow' With Me.

Is it getting better?
Or do you feel the same?
Will it make it easier on you now?
You got someone to blame


It has to be the worst movie ever. It has to be!

I came home from work and I noticed it was available for HBO on demand and I had to watch a little bit for my own amusement and to see if I was just in a weird mood when I first seen it.

Hey, I could’ve missed something.

So I’m going to attempt to dissect this movie chronologically, crap-by-crap and point out all the scenes that make no sense and lack any sort of thought.

If you have Comcast cable with HBO on demand, lets watch it together.

First off for the characters, go here for who plays what.

0:03 it’s the middle of freaking Antarctica and these guys have their full face exposed while working outside. Yeah fuckin right!

0:04 Why the fuck does he care about his samples if they’re lying down nicely on top of a huge ice shelf? Get a copter and grab that crap later.

0:06 Get away from that ever expanding huge crack! Are those scientists that fucking stupid?

0:07 this vice president has no clue. Who would nominate this guy? He doesn’t even listen and he didn’t even hear about the huge ice shelf that broke off? WTF?

0:08 It’s snowing in New Dehli, wouldn’t that be a clue that the weather is fucked up?

0:12 Quaid has been in Antarctica for (I assume more than a weekend) and he just receives a couple letters for mail.

0:14 When Quaid is driving his kid home from school, that car isn’t even moving! Quaid’s not even driving because he doesn’t even look at the road!

0:15 Why does Quaid yell ‘Sam’ after he shuts the door?

0:19 so 3 buoys in different areas show a temperature drop and the numerous other buoys don’t show any change in temp? Not even one fucking degree?

0:20 What the hell kind of wolves does the NYC zoo keep that they can break thick wire fencing?

0:24 I love how no one from the Meteorological society is reporting shit. You’d think that a weatherman may get a little interested in some of the shit that has already begun to happen.

0:25 Stations don’t just send out tornado warnings, it’s the fucking National weather service!

0:27 Why in the world would a helicopter go flying around 4 twisters in Los Angeles for?

0:28 All these people in LA are fucking stupid for watching these tornados that are less than a mile away.

0:29 Ok why do these tornados strike LA to begin with? It’s never explained except for the whole “the weather’s fucked up’ reason

0:30 APPARENTLY NOAA DOES NOT HAVE ACCESS TO SATALLITE IMAGING!!!! GOOD LORD!!!!!

0:35 These scientists are calling Quaid obsessive when he’s been working 24 hours trying to tackle the question ‘why the world is falling to shit‘. That’s not obsessive, that’s global interest.

0:37 I like how the VP comes out of a doorway without any sort of a entourage.

0:39 Where the fuck are those copters in Britain heading towards? Why are they even about? They have no visibility!

0:41 Apparently if it’s so cold to freeze a fuel line instantly and the human hand can easily touch metal without the skin sticking or numbing or anything.

0:42 when referring to the huge cold system over Scotland,
“That looks just like a hurricane!
“yes, only hurricanes don’t form over land”

Wow, these scientists are smart!

0:43 When it starts flooding in NYC then there are other problems to worry about besides cabs and shit.

0:45 Officials check back at the zoo when they find that the wolves escaped. The giant bear is still there though.

0:47 These stupid business guys expects to ride the bus when there is four feet of water flooding NYC??? Is he, everyone that stupid?

0:47 The cop trying to understand the French people stuck in the car: I’m sure they want to get out. I don’t know.

0:48 despite all the flooding, it seems that people just realize to get higher once the huge fucking title wave happens.

0:49 All that title wave of water hitting NYC=many buildings being destroyed and water doesn’t move that damn slow!

0:50 Sam sees the huge title wave of water 2 blocks down and he still has time to run 60 feet to save Laura, grab her, and run back inside the library.

0:53 The projections of the storm that Quaid gives shows that the world is fucked! So why the hell does he care about anything? Start screwing around and light off some fireworks or something.

0:54 Laura is just a huge slut, she doesn’t know who she likes

0:56 SAM WANTS TO USE A PAY PHONE???!!!! Despite NYC being flooded with 20 feet of water?

0:56 THE PHONE WORKS?

0:58 finding the phone in the water and getting hypothermia was a stupid fucking idea when everyone is using cell phones elsewhere. Oh but these kid geniuses would know that right?

:59 Quaid has walked to NY from Philadelphia before? What?

1:00 Laura claims she paid attention in health class but she fails to cover Sam’s wet head where 75% of your body heat is lost. This movie would make more sense if Laura and Sam were retarded.

1:02 A ship finds it’s way wandering around INSIDE NYC? AROUND THOSE BUILDINGS? I MEAN REALLY!

1:03 The VP: “What do you suggest we do to stop this ice age?”
Quaid: “Move South” BWAHAHAHAHAHAH these people are geniuses!
And the reply to ‘move south’: “That is not funny!”

1:06 So now that the President knows that Washington D.C. is screwed, so he’s just going to hang around for awhile I guess.

1:09 Why the fuck does the cop in the library care so much about what anyone is doing? The world is fucked!

1:09 There’s people walking around outside the library in NYC(on THE ICE) and that motivates the others inside the library to get out of the library and go….somewhere.

Let’s expand more on the ice in NYC
-This means that it’s so cold that an entire ocean can freeze in about an hour and people are outside walking around
-All the buildings in NYC would probably buckle with all ice
-the library (and all the other buildings) are surrounded by windows that probably can’t insulate that much cold weather.

Basically if it’s that cold to freeze an ocean-it’s TOO FUCKING COLD FOR LIFE!!!!!!

1:10 Why does Sam care so much about the people that are leaving the library? It’s survival of the fittest at this point. He should be saying “GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE OR I’LL CUT YOU!”

1:14 Sam (the fucking genius) figures he’s going to burn books instead of the numerous wooden chairs, wooden bookshelves, and wooden tables in order to keep warm. Books should be the last items to burn!

1:15 on: SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST, WHO CARES ABOUT ANYTHING AT THIS POINT! Apparently everyone else cares about everyone else though.

1:18 Quaid is going to walk from Philly to NY in the biggest blizzard known to man. That’s about 40 miles!

1:21 Quaid just stuck an ice pick on an actual sheet of glass that is not only cold, but holding three people‘s weight…And IT DOESN’T BREAK!!!!

1:23 So now without their sled of supplies they somehow still have a tent to sleep in. And inside this tent (lined with nylon) it’s warm enough to take off any winter coats.

1:28 With the snow piling up and the city evacuated, THE PRESIDENT IS THE LAST PERSON TO LEAVE DC!!!???????? YOU CAN’T BE SERIOUS!!!! THAT’S THE STUPIDEST FUCKING SHIT EVER!!!!

1:30 HAHAHAHAH Laura is sick and she doesn’t tell everyone about her gaping wound on her leg!? Sounds like she slept through health class!

1:33 So the guys board the ship looking for penicillin to help Laura when the fake wolves happen to be looking for food(?). One of the guys has the bright idea of finding food since they are on the ship. Sam responds with, “We don’t have time” . What the fuck do you mean you don’t have time?

1:36 Those wolves would’ve probably killed each other if they’re all that crazy.

1:37 again, Sam is touching metal with his bare hands and nothing. Haha.

1:39 The severe cold weather is now breaking window on the Empire State Building. When this happens, it’s so cold that you’re dead! It’s also so cold that the director of this film actually had two brain cells rubbing against each other.

1:40 I love how everyone is running away from ice as if it makes any difference. I also love how shutting the door stops the room in the library from being fucked.

1:43 So Quaid is on this trek to find his son (Sam) and then what? He lives happily ever after?

1:44 Again, they’re in the fucking tent with half of the crap they have on outside the tent. This is ridiculous!

1:48: Quaid’s assistant DOES NOT KNOW how to read a GPS because the stinkin screen that is showing when he makes his assessment shows what and how many satellites are working, not where they are.

1:50 Why the hell is everyone so happy that Sam found his father? All their own family is dead! They should be jealous!

1:51 I like how the new President is just sticking his thumb up his ass while the US is done for.

Speaking of which, the US doesn’t exist anymore because it’s all iced up. There is no military, government, or any citizens left. AT THIS POINT WE ARE MEXICO’S BITCH! WHO EXACTLY IS THE PRESIDENT ADDRESSING WHEN HE’S ON THE WEATHER CHANNEL? WHERE IS THE WEATHER CHANNEL BASING THEIR BROADCAST FROM? WHY IS MEXICO’S WEATHER TYPICAL MEXICAN WEATHER?

This whole movie is complete shit! Nothing makes any sense

Final recap: A kid couldn’t develop this movie because a kid isn’t this dumb. The director fails to empathize with the times. This movie is garbage.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Like Peas in a Pod

Daddy's been working too much for days and days
He doesn't eat
He never says much
but I think this time it's got him beat

(continued from yesterday)

And another thing, why don’t they just weld a couple chairs onto the foul poles so we can have people see, first hand, where the fucking ball goes. I’m sure we could have volunteers for such jobs.

I would volunteer for sure!

Anyway for today…

Once upon a time there was me and my Dad and S and his dad. S and I were the same age and we were in cub scouts together. Our dad’s would sidle up to another and talk about work, scouts, the ball and chain, and life while us kids were causing a ruckus.

S and I grew as decent friends and we both attended many different outings: Virginia (while touring most of the east coast), backpacking in northern New Mexico, and many other weekend trips around the area.

We’s was like peas in a pod and while I didn’t have any need to imitate or compete with S, my dad filled the gap in a subtle but crazy way.

S and I were comparable because we were good friends, the same age, and enjoyed similar things (huge chimney fires, football, and making fun of public officials).

Like I said, I never felt the need to compete with him and it’s probably because S was such a fucking genius. If you were to pick out the smartest people in our grade, S would be near the top of the list. I would tease the crap out of him knowing full well that he could (and probably will) be my boss one day. Oh there was nothing better than S spazzing out about how he sucks in bowling or how he couldn‘t catch the football. It was great

So any subtle remarks by my Dad were easily ignored or responded with a ’you gotta be kidding me’ stare.

Fast forward to last week.

I saw my dad and he mentioned how he saw S’s dad and how they’re moving.
S, apparently, will buy their old house for an undisclosed amount.

“Yeah, he’s going to buy the place with his $100k job that he’s supposedly getting next year” says my dad as he gives me a ‘so what are you gonna do about it’ look.
“hmmm. Cool. Soooooo are you going to sell me your house to me for a great price?”

He didn’t like that and I guess he expects me to find a $100k job next year to compete with S.

A $100k job in natural resources.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAH

BAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Why Baseball Needs Instant Replay

Hey, hey, mama, said the way you move, gonna make you sweat, gonna make you groove.
Oh, oh, child, way you shake that thing, gonna make you burn, gonna make you sting.
Hey, hey, baby, when you walk that way, watch your honey drip, can't keep away.

Apparently this is still an issue with baseball that comes up every stinkin year.

You see the game of baseball is so fast-paced with non-stop action that four umpires can’t even compete with today’s athletes. Take into account the MLB playoffs where they bring in ANOTHER 2 umpires to watch the lines and it’s still apparently not enough.

It’s the rules, they’re so complicated. Did the white ball go in front of or behind the yellow foul (fair) pole? It’s just too hard for 4 (sometimes 6) umpires to pay attention to where a ball lands that they need instant replay. There’ s just too much pressure to pay attention.

But that’s only one of the issues. The other is where the ball hit’s the fence because some umpires like to call balls that hit the yellow trim on the fence a homerun. Of course you may have thought that umpires wouldn’t make it that complicated because a ball can’t simply go OVER the fence without any sort of umpires conference. I (like like many others) have always thought that if a ball goes over the outfield fence, it’s a homerun. None of this ‘it hit the yellow’ bullshit nonsense… but I digress.

Also take into account when a ball is scorched down the line and none of the umpires see where the ball lands. It’s an honest mistake because it’s not like these ump's per diem is over $90 a day. It’s just so hard to pay attention with all the running and lights and chaos all around that how can we expect paid umpires to make such ‘judgment’ calls?

After all we have to give these umpires a break because no one ever likes them, they get yelled at on a daily basis by crybaby millionaire ball players, and the fans constantly boo them for being objective. It's not like they knew this was part of the job when they went through umpire school. And how can anyone blame them for missing obvious calls like if a ball went inside or outside a pole or if a ball is inside the line or outside because even though they're getting paid tons of money, they can't always pay that much attention.

You can’t expect four pairs of eyes to catch one little ball can you? I wouldn’t because everyone makes mistakes especially well trained umpires who were hand picked because they were the best of the best.

I’m sorry but the game is a little more than hit the ball, catch the ball, throw the ball. I mean pfff shaw!!!

The game of baseball is just way too complex for human judgment that we need instant replay.

***************************

I will offer one suggestion that I can’t believe hasn’t been offered before.
I’ll be careful with this…

So we know that the baseball that tends to be used is white, correct?
And the foul (fair) pole is yellow, you follow me?

Sooooooooooo wouldn’t a foul pole painted BLACK *be a sensible option to include? I know the tradition with baseball is rich (and rightfully so), but I don’t think the purists (like myself) would care about black foul poles if they allow us to forget instant replay.

Also, put fences in the outfield, don’t draw a line on the wall and say ‘over the line=homerun, under the line=in play’ (like in Enron or ‘whatever it’s called’ field) because that is SO GODDAMN STUPID!!!!!

Put an upside down awning up or a row of cardboard, ANYTHING resembling a fence for the love of god,

So yeah… have a good one.

*boom ba boom ba boom ba….. I see a rid-dle and I want it pain-ted bla-ack….

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

A Hemp Sponsored Entry

Pale sun falls without contest
Here is obedient darkness
He will not return

I have been very lucky this past month to see my two favorite bands perform live. If you’ve read this hip-hoppin blog the past couple of weeks you’ve probably stumbled onto my favorite band. *hint: I wrote about them for a straight week!

As for my second favorite, the Cowboy Junkies have held that spot for the past couple years.

I started out downloading ‘Sweet Jane’ during the ‘I just found Napster and I’m going to download everything that comes to mind’ days. With the downloading frenzy came a lot of mp3’s that were misnamed with people who didn’t give a damn for the band.

For instance The Who’s Baba O’Reilly was called “Teenaged waystland” or the “kewl kommercial songs #4” or “The Guess Who/Billy’s favorites2153”

The ‘Sweet Jane’ cover that I downloaded was said to be sung by Patty Smith. I looked and looked and looked for a Patty Smith album that contained ‘Sweet Jane’ and figured it had to be a B-side and never looked into it despite loving that song.

Then came time to do the marathon long runs of two years ago (I swear it was someone else that ran those). One morning a local radio station (of all things) decided to play that tune. The DJ ramping the song at the end mentioned that it was sung by the Cowboy Junkies.

I stopped running and thought, “Well fuck me!” and that immediately started out my Cowboy Junkies phase. The day after the marathon was the first concert I saw of them and I loved it!

-Great venue (Guthrie Theatre)
-Great crowd (no more than 500 seats)
-Great selection of songs (some slow, fast, acoustic, and creative intros)
-and an egoless band as a result (they hung out after the concert!)

Also, if you were to ask me what band has the best ‘chronological string’ of albums, I would have to go with Pink Floyd with: Dark side, WYWH, Animals, and The Wall. Nothing will ever beat out those four albums.

The Cowboy Junkies do, however, give the Floyd a run for their money with their chronological string of great albums with: Black Eyed Man, Pale Sun/Crescent Moon, Lay It Down for my second favorite albums.

And yes, I am thinking of Led Zeppelin and although their fist six albums are great, I have to confess that I still like the Junkies big three.

Specifically: This Street/That Man/This life, Pale Sun, and Come Calling are about a good as it gets for single songs.

Throw in the Canadian blues track: Townes’ Blues and it’s all the diversity you would ever need.

This last weekend the Cowboy Junkies were in town, actually they were two hours north in Duluth, but it was close enough for me!

They were playing at the Green Man festival which is a big hippy party with people that I graduated with at the former U of M school of Natural Resources (RIP).

Here’s what I have:

As you can see it was a sell out, standing room only crowd anxiously waiting for the next band.
They promised us hay bales to sit on. As you can see there are no god damn hay bales anywhere!


This festival did a great job with the recycling. They even had volunteers stand next to the bins sorting out the misplaced plastics, cans, and other food trays. The goal was to recycle 90% of all the materials that were used. I can't really make fun of that too much.


As you can see the menu was reasonably priced (especially the Pizza Luce) and they had a Vegan menu for such an occasion. If there's one thing I know in this world you'll never find a fat vegan. EVER!!!


Yes, this was the perfect place for conservative republicans. There were many booths with hemp clothes, recyclable shirts, and dreadlocks galore! At one point I had to go back to my car to hide my hardhat that contains the company I work for, a *gasp* corporation!


What music festival would be complete without a blacksmith?


We did have a good view of Duluth from Spirit Mountain (hey, it's a mountain to us).


No, we don't have the mountains of, say the Black Hills (they're actually mountains because they're HUGE) but we do have a couple high points. Actually they hardly compete with any land not glacialized 12,000 years ago. That's a bridge way back there.


Backstage: Man, just think of all the crazy shit that goes on back there! They have trailors, old suburbans, and everything back there!


The backstage bathroom: I bet Mason Jennings is going to take a dump in there!


Tracy Bonham came on at one point during the day. She is/was best known for her 'Mother, Mother' song back in the mid 90's. She played a good set and her drummer did a cool little 'milkshake' solo on his tamborine.
Bonham also performed a fucking awesome version of Black Dog, which blew me away.


Then the crapfest began with Mason Jennings performing a two-hour set. I actually saw Jennings a couple years ago at First Avenue and I'm sorry but his music is crap. All the hippies loved it though


I got really bored because all his songs sound alike, so I took picture of crazy shit. Here are these crazy hippies twirling their batons and hemp hoola hooping and shit. I expected to see the best hackey sackers in the midwest. Instead I got a bunch of high hoola-hoopers.


So I laid down way in the back and took pictures of the clouds because....I was so goddamn bored. Plus the music was terrible!


Green man fever-CATCH IT!


About 100 women and 10 bras.
EXCUSE ME! I'M LOOKING FOR SOMEONE NAMED 'WAVY GRAVY'! IS ANYONE HERE NAMED 'WAVY GRAVY'?!




Finally the Cowboy Junkies came on and I was probably one of five people who were jacked (not a verb I use often...I swear) for such a concert.


I got to talk to this guy (Michael Timmons) briefly before the concert. He didn't have much to say other than, "ha ha, enjoy the concert. Cool! Enjoy the concert."


The lead singer, Margo Timmons had a great voice and nearly all the hippies controlled themselves long enough to listen to the Junkies perform a great *GREAT* set.
Killer solos, great improvs, and even a mandolin!

Well worth the two hours and a sea of dreadlocks

Sunday, July 17, 2005

Temporary (Now Done)

Be careful with the die
when you're surrounded by others
with boxcars in their eyes.
Never count your winnings at hour 23
of a 24-hour drive.

I was sporting a huge headache, watching Dances with Wolves, and trying to type up this crap list. Today I don’t have the headache so I not only finished this entry BUT I EDITED IT TOO!!!! So now instead of an entry with bad grammer, I created an entry with mediocre grammar.

BOOO-YAHHHH!

I’ve been completely addicted to baseball in the last couple weeks. Saturday was the first game I have seen in the Metrodome in about a month. Although I have seen 3 games in a seven day period.

It’s seems that the more baseball I watch, the more I get annoyed.

Crap List

1. When pitchers take a loss for a 2-1 game
This is complete bullshit. Just because your team is incapable of scoring 2 measly runs doesn’t mean the pitcher should take the loss. They should just make up a stat called ‘got screwed by own team’ (GSBOT). The Twins starters would be leading the league in that stat.
It’s even more pathetic when the starter throws a complete game and takes the loss like what happened to Brad Radke last week.

This has all happened to the Twins in the last 3 weeks because our offense is lucky to score 4 runs in a game.

Take last Saturday’s game. The Twins gave up four runs. Johan Santana, the Twins starter, only gave up 1 ER because our infield couldn’t play up to the level of a cardboard box. Santana managed to secure the win although his team could’ve easily given him the no-decision.

If I were a starting pitcher who just pitched a 1-0 complete game loss, I would probably cleat everyone to the point where they’d sport bruises like my beloved Samantha.

So when you see a 20 game winner this year, credit his team that can score more than 1 stupid run.

2. Stupid fans.
**Remember this if you attend another baseball game**
If you sit in the front row, make sure you know the tricks of the trade.
Like so:
1. If you are sitting in FOUL territory only reach for the ball if the home team is batting.
If Steve Bartman taught us ANYTHING it’s to pay attention to where you are sitting.
2. If you are sitting in the home run porch, at least give your team’s fielder a chance to catch the ball.
This guy in Boston was sitting next to Pesky’s pole and stuck his hands in the way of a possible Trot Nixon catch. I also saw something like this at the Metrodome in centerfield. Hunter was going back for the ball and could’ve made a spectacular homerun saving catch, but this stupid fan HAS to have the ball so-no catch. Everyone in the dome was booing these fans who were so happy to catch the ball that they didn’t even know what happened.

Even if you catch that ball you should throw it back. Don’t get me started on that topic.

Ballparks should hand out pamphlets or sections should have their own ‘section marshall’ to tell fans when it’s alright and not unacceptable. I could be that person!

3. Giants 10,000 win
I think I may be the only person to even care about this but last Thursday the San Francisco Giants won their 10,000 win in franchise history….and they get this little blurb on the game recap.

(blink:blink)

In a sport where numbers mean so much you’d think that 10,000 wins would blow some minds. You’d think that 10,000 wins would garner a huge celebration and giving people another excuse to have sex.

At least I would think.

No, no one cares. No one could give 2 shits about TEN THOUSAND WINS!
If I had a dollar for every win I would have $10,000! That’s a lot of money!

4. Michelle Vie
Nothing against her personally or even against her playing golf. Actually I would love for her to beat all these stupid old guy golfers because then they’d have been beaten by a--hold on…let’s do a little test.

Look at this picture and tell me how old she looks. Notice the height, the face, how she looks compared to everyone else.

I’d say about 19,20 maybe 21 something like that because she looks like if she would flex those arm she would have some serious pythons!

SHE’S 15!!!!! As in 1989 or 1990 she was born. That’s brain scrambling material right there.

Not only that but--and I say this taking three steps back--she’s a nice looking little girl----BLAHWAHAHWEAHAHA *wipes off barf from lips* gigi-sombleh-ble,ble-BLAHAAHPBLAHBLAHBLAHWEIGH BLAHA….

Ok I’ll end it on this note.

Imagine your favorite adult contemporary band playing at a hippy fest. That’s what I’ll talk about tomorrow, WITH PICTURES!!!.


Friday, July 15, 2005

If I Were a Rockstar

Every day I get in the queue (Too much, the Magic Bus)
To get on the bus that takes me to you. (Too much, the Magic Bus)
I'm so nervous, I just sit and smile. (Too much, the Magic Bus)
Your house is only another mile. (Too much, the Magic Bus)

If I were a rockstar participating in a charity event with tons of other rock stars…


This is what I would say.

“It ah, It’s really, really cool that we’re here ya know? I just want to say that there is a lot of… uh. *starts playing a quick, generic melody on guitar* a lot of erosion going on in the world. As you all probably know, erosion is uh, a really big deal.
Every time it rains there’s erosion uh, somewhere ya know? If we can generate enough uh funding to set up even one of those little uh, fences-*corrected from a stage hand* I mean ‘erosion fences’-thanks dick-then we could help save some uh, habitat.
I want to thank you all for being here today-on the BEAUTIFUL DAY EH? *waits for crowd support* Yeah it’s a beautiful day and you all are very beautiful people for being here. You all and your love…and affection… and just uh, tenderness altogether because love will keep us all alive and help power us to fight erosion on all counts.
Irregardless, don’t get me wrong. We don’t, uh, NOT want to send the wrong message though. We’re still all for hard rains irregardless of what that whore Mariah Carey says.
This next tune is about love and how it affects us because here, right now, I can feel your love. I can feel that guys love and that woman’s love. I can feel *looks at the frowns from his band mates* I feel uh love in general. With all this love we can move mountains and that’s all we need.
All we need is love.
Anyway, this next tune was fueled with love. It’s called ‘I’ll Tear You a New Fuck Hole’.

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Boone's Farm

For here
Am I sitting in a tin can
Far above the world
Planet Earth is blue
And there's nothing I can do

Last Monday the Twins actually acquired another player. Actually they made a trade for a player (if you want to call it that).

Twins acquire Bret Boone.
If you ask me they flat out stole this guy and had the Mariners by the balls because it’s just silly how it happened.

I can just see the Terry Ryan and Seattle’s GM talking about the deal in a room. Let’s just say the waiver deadline is 5pm* and it’s 4:30pm as the Seattle GM looks over his phone messages for any other team offering anything, ANYTHING for Bret Boone.

There’s Ryan casually sitting on the couch smoking a stinky cigar and reading his notebook of splits as the Mariners GM looks away from his phone in desperation.

“Anyone call?” questions Ryan as he continues to flip through pages and pages of stats.
“*sigh* No. So who will you give us? It’s not Cuddyer is it?”
“Nah, you’d be lucky to get Cuddyer. I don’t care how bad he’s been this year. Back at home I have this half full carton of milk that has been expired for a week now and we have no idea what to do with it. Perhaps that rotten milk could be of use for us at this point.”
Both men pause to catch each other’s reactions

“…But I couldn’t do that because that’s inhuman and degrading. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA” as Ryan’s laughter echoes throughout Safeco Field.
“Just give me someone!” the Seattle GM irritatingly blurts out.

Ryan exhales a huge puff of smoke toward the Mariners’ GM.
“Well, I assume you’re going to pay for his salary right?”
“Well I don’t wan-I can’t really-It’s just not-THAT’S 8 MILLION DOLLARS!? FINE! OKAY! WE’LL PAY IT!”

“So How bout I give you…..hmmm my son’s beaten down ‘90 Buick Regal--No wait, he still needs that for the demolition derby on Thursday afternoon. Never mind. Ah lets see, how bout…a player to be named later?”

“Who is that going to be?” asked the Mariners GM
“I can see you’re a flat out idiot, so I’ll tend to my laundry back in Minnesota. Good Day.” as Terry Ryan gathers his notebook and makes his way out the fellow GM’s door.

“So we’re going to pick this guy right?” asked the Seattle GM just before Ryan closes the door.

“I doubt it, we’ll find you someone who can sweep the floors. It’s going to be a half assed job though. BWAHAHAHAHAHAAH…”


*After 5pm the player would be a free agent and Seattle would still have to pay Boone’s $8 million salary. Basically they would’ve traded for one of Kansas City’s gross $1 hot dogs on Buck night if it were offered.
******************

That’s basically what went on.

Now I know Boone hasn’t been tearing the crap out of the ball this year, but why not give it a try? It’s not going to cost the Twins much more than four at-bats for about 10 games (at the very least)

So Boone is going to be paid $8.2 million this year and the Twins will only pay about $72k for the rest of the year and offer the Twins equivalent to Onterio Smith of Single A ball.

The Boone era begins tonight and finally, finally we may just have someone half decent to play 2nd. No more of this Rivas, Cuddyer, Punto, Castro, Rodriguez, Abernathy platoon crap.

Hopefully this is the first step to a nice run.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Most Awesomely...(Revisited)

Tangerine, Tangerine,
Living reflection from a dream;
I was her love, she was my queen, And now a thousand years between.

***********
This is the Celine Dion intro I was talking about last week. Click on the 'live 8 video' under the artist spotlight and imagine a large Canadian crowd booing and laughing. Her gestures are priceless.
***********

Anyway, I usually can’t stand slow moving traffic from gawkers looking at a wreak on the side of the road. You’ll be driving in stop and go traffic for 20 minutes all because people want to see blood.
WTF.

With people I don’t like, I don’t wish any harm. Take Bud Selig for example, as much as he’s wanted to screw the Twins by trying to quietly emphasize the Brewers.
Anyway if I met face to face with Selig, I wouldn’t hit him too hard. Just a little slap for symbolic reasons and a simple question of ’what is wrong with you?’ is all I would need.
My reasoning is that no one man would want to have their masculinity in check from such a slap from another man.

I think it would be damn effective!

Although I will fully admit (and metaphorically speaking) that if the wreak involves a certain company I dislike, I will gladly stop and watch. I may even go home to find a lawn chair, some pop, and a jam box, and maybe even a small grill if the day is nice enough--just to gain some much needed satisfaction from such a wreak.

This has definitely been the case in terms of MTV/VH1 and the backlash they received as a result of their Live 8 coverage. Because there is American television and then there’s MTV. MTV is a bowl of sugar compared to the Cinnamon Toast Crunch that the networks portray as the American way of life. (bad analogy... I'm just hungry for cereal)

The day after Live 8 critics, bloggers, viewers, and rival stations unloaded onto the music television stations. People were irate after the coverage, which led to this AP release,

http://www.katu.com/entertainment/story.asp?ID=78165

Now that the dust has settled and there are other worries with bombings and the sort, I don’t think people should be fired after such a mistake.
After all that’s why the put erasers on pencils.

Then last week came a follow up story from the AP,

The last paragraph as follows,
Many of MTV's viewers weren't even alive when Pink Floyd broke up, so [Van]Toffler [President of MTV Network's Music Group] said he was surprised at how many wanted to see the band's reunion performance in full.
From: http://www.canoe.ca/NewsStand/LondonFreePress/Today/2005/07/09/1123830-sun.html

Screw it, fire this guy. Clean out your desk and hand your desk key to the secretary because you obviously are lacking anything resembling a clue and your job (and other‘s jobs) are suffering as a result of your stupidity. Such a quote is easily the dumbest thing I have heard in the last 6 months.

Seriously, if you are in charge of a music television station and you question how your audience would be interested in a reunion of one of the most successful bands of all time, you’re done. It’s quite simple. Bow your head in shame, gather your belongings, and listen as I heckle the crap out of you alongside the road in my lawn chair.

One of the smaller scaled selling points of Live 8 is that you can watch the artists that you never used to watch before. Take me for example, I haven’t seen the Black Eyed Peas, Maroon 5, Coldplay, or even Jet perform live before, however this event gave me the perfect time to do so with their 3 song sets.
I’m sure the same went for the younger generation that never understood acts like Pink Floyd or The Who.

Yes, they’re all old but they proved that age has little effect great performances.

Maybe, possibly, the thought of 60 year olds performing 30 year old classic songs live sound interesting to people of all ages--I don’t know.

Anyway, MTV/VH1 re-aired the Live 8 concert with continuous commercial-free coverage last Saturday, which tells you,
A: A freighting amount of people complained about their coverage and ratings were greatly affected
B: Viacom’s investors weren’t keen on the original coverage
C: MTV/VH1 executives actually have consciences.

Who knows?

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

KC Weekend

some of them want to use you
ahh, some of them want to get used by you
some of them want to abuse you
some of them want to be abused

Last Weekend a bunch of us headed on south to Kansas City to see our beloved Minnesota Twins play against the worst team in baseball, the Kansas City Royals.


Before I get into specifics about the trip, I just wanted to give a quick update about the batteries in the back of my car. I finally had to take them out from my back window. As you can see the plastic completly wrapped the crap out of 'em. I couldn't even take them out of the plastic. anyway,


This is Iowa and all it's glory.
Driving through Iowa brings out the craziest of conversations amongst people. For example take our car: we were talking about cursive writing and what certain letters were in cursive all while drawing the letters in the air. Do you remember what a capitol "G" is in cursive?
We also went on to talk about what bugs us most about grammar.

Also, the phrase "gay malaise" led us to talk about "gay mayonaise" and we laughed about it for a good 30 minutes.



When we did end up stopping for gas or food, we would find an abondoned parking lot (not hard to find in Iowa) and bounce the superball.
This is what Iowa does to you, it gives you this natural drunken loopyness.

We finally arrived in Kansas City to attend Saturday's night game. We weren't planning on attending, but some of us figured it was a nice night to catch a Twins whoopin.

This is Arrowhead Stadium where the Chiefs play. It's right next to Kauffman Stadium.

This is Mikey(left) and *cough* me *cough* hanging out next to the George Brett statue right in front of the stadium.
We met these two guys from St. Louis who told us they would take our picture if I would only take the last two cans of Busch Light off of them.
I had to think about it.



















I'm not computer literate enough to crop these two pictures together, but they match up fairly decent.
One great thing about Kauffman Stadium is that the ushers don't have any sticks up thier ass like the ushers in the dome do. In the dome they wont allow you in the lower seats let alone the lower deck without a ticket.
Here you could pretty much sit in any empty seat you choose.
The concorses were open too, so you can grab a hot dog and still watch the game by looking over your shoulder.


















These are the seats we sat in on Saturday night. We arrived to the game with the Twins sporting a 3-0 lead and naturally we were walking around with a little swagger.
It was also about 94 degrees with the sun beating down us. I would look longingly at the water fountain just next to us. I really wanted to jump in.
We're just not used to outdoor baseball.






It was "buck night" where they give you a hot dog, peanuts, and a pop for a buck a piece.
I don't even know if this hot dog is worth a buck.








The Twins were playing the worst game I have seen in awhile. In the 6th inning when the Royals were batting they recorded another hit when the place went nuts. Apparently when everthe royals record twelve hits, everyone receives free Krispie Kremes. Apparently 12 hits are a rarety in Kansas City. This night had 21.









The next day it was a tribute to the Negro Leagues and the Twins and Royals were wearing old time jerseys. The Twins had on the old St. Paul Gophers jerseys and the Royals were sporting the Kansas City Monarchs.










Joe Mauer and Justin Morneau trying to figure out how they're going to suck today.


Just a picture of the Monarch's old jersey...and a Royals PR person.


These were our seats on Sunday. It was another hot day (about 91) and we were burning up in the upper deck. We were also greatly outnumbered compared to the night before.
During the lineup announcements I was quiet until...
"Now batting third, Joe Mauer." and I was the only one in the stadium cheering loudly. The locals were looking at me like, "Just chill yo".

Here's our cleanup hitting, Torii Hunter, right before he grounded out to third...for the third straight time that day.

In the top of the 10th the Royals pitcher walked two straight batters with only 9 pitches. Here's Jacque Jones just before he *makes fist* swung at the first pitch. He hit a soft grounder to the pitcher.
*clap...clap* yay Jacque!

Twins won 3-2 against the worst team in baseball.
Anywho, we were allowed to run the bases at the end of the game. We ran the bases in Milwaukee and decided that would couldn't pass up the chance. So here is Bob Wells about to run the bases.

Now imagine that you're a baserunner on second and your teammate hits a soft base hit into center.
This is the view you would have just before you round third. Also the home team would have to be so bad that no one paid the price of admission and showed up.

but imagine!


Now imagine that the catcher is blocking the plate as he just catches the throw from the center fielder.

This is the picture you would have before you kick the catcher in the nuts and win the game.

uh... nevermind the lady standing there.