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Wednesday, August 31, 2005

The Introduction (one year later)

Have you ever satisfied a gut feeling
to follow a dry dirt road that's beckoning you
to the heart of a shimmering summer's day?

Baaaaahahahahahha, wuhuhuhuhuh, blahahahahahahahahahhahahaha
Whooooahahahahahhahahahahahahah

Somehow, someway I have managed to write miscellaneous crap five days a week for a whole year. In no way am I trying to stroke my ego, but I honestly think about the 260 (or so) entries I have written and just laugh.

For the year anniversary I thought I’d make fun of my first entry.



The Introduction
This is the first official post for the "groteskberg" blog
(yeah, whatever the hell it is. I think I maintained that title for a whole 3 minutes before I changed it to 'Bergblog'), so ya better warm up a new pair of pants. (Whatever the hell that means)
This blog will mostly focus on my thoughts
(blink:blink) (bwahahahaha, it's so stupid it's funny)
...and of course other topics.
I imagine I'll talk about Minnesota sports, movies, music, and current events and ,of course, the campaign. (Ah the 'campaign' You all may remember me and Hog were competing for President of the United States. I held a commanding lead of 12-7 for a good month in a half. Then Hog totally stuffed his own ballot box and won 13-12. He didn't really win Presidency because George W. actually won with over 42 million votes. He came close in general--and I mean general in terms of if there were votes totaling in the quintillions--but we both had a good laugh for a couple months.)

I'm running for president with my old boss at the liquor store, Sean D.
We'll win, dont worry. (we didn't)
Yeah, we may not be rich, and powerful, and we may be lacking in the 'who you know' part, but whatever. We just need about 220 million people to write my name in the ballot.

no prob man!

The GOP is holding a party, that should be a enough to write about for awhile. (actually the Democratic party was worse with, "I'm John Kerry and I'm ready for duty" cornyness. Yuck. I've learned that all political rallies are pretty dumb and the people that jump up and down are kinda crazy)
They know about morality by the way! (That's pretty much a prediction because one of the main issues people voted for G.W. was for his moral issues. Yeah I'm awesome.)
I plan on resurecting the crap list from our bad-ass college radio station. (still intact)
I haven't figured out which day, but my sources (me) believe it will be a Monday thing.
So to start out, here is the First Grotesktom craplist! (haha, yeah now it's just a 'crap list')

Well that was one of the most worstest entries I have written (this stupid 'look back' entry) and here's to another year of complete idiocy.

I should point out that as much as I love writing these entries it's the great people you meet in the process that makes the whole thing so satisfying. So to Ron, Eric, Hannes, Aliekat, MG, lycradog, Ehren (man, those names make this seem so nerdy haha), the lurkers, and of course my 'real life' friends I thank you for putting up with this and if you ever see an idiot wearing a Twins cap, tell him to buy you a drink because it could be me
.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Boof Brockovich is Here!

Have you come here for forgiveness,
Have you come to raise the dead
Have you come here to play Jesus to the lepers in your head


Last week was the first time in three months that I have actually contacted anyone at the office of the outfit that I work for. It’s crazy because I’ve never paid any attention to who signs my checks or even know who that person is. I really have never actually met my boss or anyone in the office. I know my colleagues around here and that’s only about 10% of the people that work at the small company I work for.

When I emailed my office I asked if we get compensated for mileage around the site because I am sick of paying for it like a little bitch. The site I work at has about forty buildings in close range of each other. My colleagues work during the day and are assigned a building whereas I’m in charge of the whole freakin site. Therefore, I could have one guy working on the SW side of the campus, another three guys working all the way to the East, and 6 more guys working at the building up north. Basically I have a ton of running around to do and if I wanted to show up on a timely manner I would drive to the work area.

Although I don’t drive that much on a night, the mileage can get up there and if I only drive one mile I do think I should be compensated for it. Especially gas prices are heading toward $3 a gallon.

My question was answered with a stern ‘no’, so now, in protest, I have been walking to all my jobs.

I figure that if I walk to my jobs it leaves more people waiting for me (which means more money is lost), more risk of health problems (like if I was to slip on ice or whatever), and possibly being run over by a car (because they hand out crack to all the drivers where I work).

Any health problems would HAVE to be paid by my employer because that’s how things work and they don’t like to pay for stuff like that.

Soooooo, if I use that argument against the office people perhaps I can gain a little sympathy and get my gas paid for.

So when security asks me why I walk everywhere I respond with,
“I’m in protest over my company because they wont pay for gas, so ‘fuck them’ I say.”

And it feels so powerful. I mean I feel like Erin Brockovich or something standing for my rights and all.

I mean all I want is like five extra bucks a week.

Sunday, August 28, 2005

Alone...? bwahahaha

November skies,
heart is sinking.
No telling where they’re leading
these grey November skies.


I actually think my teachers skipped or didn’t have time to teach me and my class about units of measurement. Thank god for the internet because if it wasn’t for the internet superhighway I’d have to buy a measuring glass or worse, call my mom.

*shudders*

Crap List

1. Phone calls from my parents
When the cell rings I see my parents number on my phone I try not to answer it because they have rarely ever called me with important or exciting information.

Me: Hello?
Mom: Tommmmeeeeeee?
Me rolling eyes and looking around making sure no one is watching: Hi Mom
Mom: Tommy, we have something for you.
Me: *sigh* Yeah? And what’s that?
Mom: Well first, do you know what happened to the channel changer for the living room?
Me: arrgh, Mom I don’t live at home anymore and I’m working. Please tell me what I got?
Mom: You sure you didn’t take it with you last time you were here?
Me: NO, WHY WOULD I TAKE THE CHANNEL CHANG-*clears throat* I don’t have it! Tell me what I got!
Mom: Well okaaaay, it says ‘5.4% APR-

BAAAAAAH!!! You’d think that they would be able to determine junk mail from anything else. That or just set it down and put it in a box titled “Tom’s stuff” and let it be for a couple days.

Emails are worse because I have already received three emails with the body being ‘Tommy, did you get this?’

No one's ever called me 'Tommy' since I moved out either. I'm not a 'Tommy' either.

2. This next conversation.
Someone who I haven’t seen in a long time: So who are you living with? Do you have any roommates?
Me: Nope, just me in my apartment.
Someone: Alone huh? Hehe well how’s that working for you?

Just fine thank you and might I add, go to hell.

Actually next time someone reacts like that I’ll respond with,
“Oh it’s sooooooo lonely all the time. I have nooooo one to talk to and I beg people to come out and talk to me all the tiiiiiiime. OH it’s soooooooooo horrible!”

When they respond to me living alone they make it sound so bad as if I live in an old deserted cabin out in Wisconsin where I get drunk and shoot things in my backyard.

I LOVE *LOVE* living alone. I love coming home and things are just where I left them.
I love coming home and the place doesn’t smell like smoke.
I love coming home and not having that moment of truth before you open the front door and think,
‘God I hope my roommate’s not here.’ and…there he is laying on the couch and his fat ass is watching Law and Order. Not to mention that I don't need roommates to constantly point and laugh at the fact that I eat and enjoy gas station sandwiches.

I actually can’t understand how people could be so gregarious (gregarious, a word I use quite often) and panic the moment they’re alone. I know a bunch of people that whine and cry after an hour of being alone!

Not me. If I have the money to afford a decent one bedroom apartment, I’m going to gladly pay for that luxury because I am a man. A man who built the Eiffel Tower of metal and brawn.

3. Preseason football
Biggest fraud ever. The referees are training, the coaches are in training, the players are training, and even the cheerleaders are practicing their routines. The fans, however, pay full price for one quarter of their team’s starters to try a little and then bench themselves.

What’s worse is that every year I get caught up it. I haven’t seen the Vikings since January and I always feel compelled to watch or listen to the first quarter and believe that I am watching true Vikings football. Preseason football is complete crap and it should die or sell tickets at half off.

Friday, August 26, 2005

A Dilemma

I was drowned, I was washed up and left for dead.
I fell down to my feet and I saw they bled.
I frowned at the crumbs of a crust of bread.


The topic of Andy Milonakis is completely blowing my mind with constant debate.

I can’t find any clear, rational opinions toward this person because for every good point there is a “…but” that counters those good points. For every bad point there is also a “…but”.

And Milonakis’ show on MTV (sorry, I do still flip to MTV once in awhile) is the new flavor of the month, the new “fresh” show that the Tom Green Show once was, the shocking show that “Jackass” was once. It’s the Andy Milonakis show featuring him, little Andy Milonakis.

It’s inevitable that this show will be nothing in two years, but I have to admit that it’s a bit funny. It’s funny because I perceive this preadolescent boy walking the streets of New York bugging people in a shockingly sweet, childlike fun kinda way. When he asks a local stranger,
“Mr! Mr, can I have your autograph?” I get a little smirk because of how bold and unpredictable this “kid” is.

He’s not a kid. In fact he’s older than I am and he’s almost 30.

Hmmmm…..

Reason being is that he is a victim of a growth hormone dysfunction that has obviously reduced his growth pattern.

Hmmmm….

So, in my opinion, his shtick is to play the ‘smart aleky’ kid in New York City when he’s actually approaching 30 due to a disability.
And now I’m walking a thin, thin line.

Disability aside (Ok, I just fell off the line) I think that blows a little credibility away. If it was a normal 29 year old the skits would look a little annoying and pathetic but because it looks like a kid the skits work.

Then again, how the fucks sake can I honestly criticize someone gaining money and popularity with such a disability. Especially when one of my good friends is disabled.

Geez!

I think this stems from my belief that people with disabilities, diseases, and other misfortunes have access to a world of jokes that us fortunate people cannot have. That’s right, jealousy.

Take the drummer for Def Leppard, Rick Allen. He’s got to be one of the funniest musicians ever. He constantly makes running jokes about his lack of a left arm and it even goes further with the domestic abuse with his (former?) wife. (Tangent: I mean really, the guy beat her up with one arm!? She’s got to be either A. really slow or B. a huge wuss. Like couldn’t she use BOTH her hands and arms to hold his ONE arm? *fell off the thin line and still falling*). Possible examples of Allen‘s one-liners,

“You’d think I’d get a little respect from my colleagues being a one-armed drummer and all.” and
“I offered them my help but what the fuck do I know--I’m just a one-armed drummer.”

This is one I would use,
“I remember one time I was so hungry for a doughnut that I would give my left arm, and I did”

I remember when I strained my lower abdomen playing football. The pain was excruciating and I struggled with pain as I hobbled through my buddies kitchen spewing out jokes,

“I guess now I can now legally park I the handicapped spots now”
“Maybe I can get some money from Ronald McDonald for this.”

Now that my abdomen is better and I am completely healthy, I really have to search and thus, be creative, if I was to break out a joke.

As for Andy Milonakis, I’m going to try to ignore him so I don’t go to hell.
That is, if I was Catholic anyway.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Kathleen Edwards Review

I'm a man on a mission
Straight ahead, less talk, more action
With no distraction (Ooooo)
I'm on a mission


Geez, we got like 6 of our crappy infielders in the lineup.

In the topic of music it seems that if you are a band from Canada the statistics show that I will enjoy your music.

Cowboy Junkies
Sarah Mclachlan
Bryan Adams
Alanis Morisette (at least her latest stuff. None of that cackling, whiney stuff she started with)
Patty Griffin (from Maine which is pretty much Canada)
Pink Floyd (has nothing to do with Canada whatsoever)

The newest edition to the list is a woman who I actually watched as part of the Gram Parsons Tribute Concert (mmm graham crackers) and I couldn’t even hear her singing. Kathleen Edwards was performing with John Doe (I guess that’s his name) and they were sharing a microphone singing “We’ll Sweep Out the Ashes in the Morning”.

The song starts and Edwards moves closer to the mic for a verse as Doe looks on. Edwards sings and looks into the eyes of John Doe. Doe’s eyes immediately hit the floor and Edwards loves the power she suddenly possesses. The song continues on and she continues to stare into his eyes that are fixed on the floor when she puts her arms around him. Doe’s eyes grow wide and shuts them as the comfort level diminishes. Doe, singing blind, now is trying hard not to dry hump Kathleen Edwards on stage and Edwards knows too well the predicament Doe is in. Suddenly Doe opens his eyes and there is Edwards donning a huge grin two inches away from his face, Doe closes his eyes immediately until the song reached its’ conclusion.

Women are the god damn devil as far as I’m concerned because if I was Doe, I would lay her flat on the stage and begin to… talk about the current economic structure in major league baseball.
Inappropriate I know, but it’s hard to give into temptation.

Actually If I were Doe I would give her some great dry humping action on stage which would lead to a permanent Gram Parson’s banishment and a restraining order.

Last week a coworker of mine mentioned the music of Edwards and it sparked my interest enough to purchase her latest effort, Back to Me.

Edwards has solidified my formerly weak stance that alternative country is the one of the best genres of music around. The mix of country, rock, and slightly vindictive nature in the lyrics makes for one damn good album.

The whole feel of the album seems to be a subtle backlash against the overproduced and overdone voice overs that seem to plague Sarah McLachlan’s latest effort (although it’s still decent) with the stripped-down guitar and drum setup. The voice is not over-refined either as some lines will be sweet with a hint of bitterness, which bode well with the wonderful slide guitar and 12 string.

Speaking of slide guitar, this album fulfills my need for such an instrument with songs like Copied Keys and What are you Waiting For. The title cut is also a good primer for the album and not just the 'typical popish single’ (which title cuts usually end up being).

If that wasn’t enough she’s touring with My Morning Jacket in October.
Tickets are $18. *gasp* which is $160 less than the cheapest remaining ticket for the Rolling Stones.

(blink:blink)


AND… the concert is on a weekend!!!!!

Hell yeah.

So, to wrap up everything, yes, I would dry hump Kathleen Edwards.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

The Supernatural

Yeah, feels so good, woo!
And it feels so nice
When love comes around
I feel good


Change in plans today.

Last nights game was beautiful in so many ways.

1. Four combined hits
2. Twins winning on one hit
3. Twins winning on one hit against the White Sox
4. Santana chuggin gummy berry juice again

The only thing that would’ve made this win more satisfying (if that is possible) is if the Twins won despite a Garcia no-hitter. That would be the equivalent of taking all the hearts and the queen of spades in the game ‘hearts’.

That would’ve been excellent, but this is good enough.

I’m gonna go masturbate to this box score now.

Monday, August 22, 2005

Weekend With the Family

I've got ways to make you hear me
just by whispering your name
I've got ways to make you think
you'll never be happy again

I guess it wasn’t that bad. I made it out to be amputation and in the end it was just a minor bruise.

The Christmas party went on last weekend and it actually had it’s share of tender and fun moments. All 7 families were represented and only 8 of the 15 cousins showed up along with woman at the center of it all, my grandma.

It started out with my brother and I haphazardly buying ice cream and other miscellaneous crap. We woke up, called each other in the ‘tired voice’, and actually bonded knowing our mom came up with the lamest party ever. ‘Take me out to the ballgame’ was the theme and with it she packed a huge Rubbermaid bin full of baseballs, footballs, a volleyball, golf balls (?), and a hockey puck (yeah, I don’t know WTF either).

We arrive to one of my uncles already hanging out with is gf (or is it his wife?) talking to my parents. For such a themed party I wore my old Twins jersey.

“Hey Tom. So… are you a Twins fan?”

AAAAAAH RIGHT THERE, right there is what I’m talking about! Here’s a guy who I share some genetic traits with, who has known about me being alive for 25 years, who doesn’t know the one OBVIOUS thing about me.

Therefore, you all reading this right now know more about me than at least one (probably more) of my uncles. Of course it takes two people to make a conversation, but I’m sick and tired of the same old ‘so are you going to school now’ crap that happens every year.

We also had a gift exchange and last Friday when I went to best buy, I had, what seemed to be, a great idea. I would buy one of the best movies in the world (The Godfather) and combine it with one of the worst in the world (Glitter) as part of a ‘doublepack’. Oh if you happened to be at the Oakdale Best Buy you may have heard a ‘I’M A COMEDIC GENIOUS!” coming from the media isle.

Think about it, my uncle opening up a gift and, with great joy, screams, “Wow, The Godfather and….Glitter?” and I was sure someone would get it. I was sure of it!

Of all the gifts, mine was the last to be selected, and sure enough one of my uncles such a gift.
*opening the gift* “Wow, movies! I got The Godfather and Glitter!” and a wave of ‘ooohs and aahhhs’ came from everyone. I looked around and nothing. NOTHING! No smirks no smart remarks nothing.

Joke, wasted! Arrrggggh!

We did have an excellent game of softball between all family members and it was just an all out good time for awhile.

One amazing moment happened when my cousin showed us his picture slide show to all the family pictures we had over the years. It had some very good background music along with some pictuere some of us never thought existed. It left a bunch of people in tears and was beautiful. When my cousin started the show my mom would make some sort of comment after each picture. My grandma (mom's mom) got a little irritated and said,
"(name) please stop it." in quite a pointed way.

My mom stopped and my jaw was sagging on the ground. I have never seen my mom actually listen to anyone before and my grandma just comes along and tells her to shut up...and she listens!

The slideshow was beautiful, but that moment was priceless!

It was also nice that we hosted the event because I was able to ditch when things got boring and come home to watch the Twins crapfest because I am a Twins fan ya know.

Tomorrow I talk about Kathleen Edwards.

Crap and Smiles

These are your good friends and I like them fine
These are your old streets and you know them well
This is not my town and it will never be
And it will never be..... ours

Today I’m not only going to give you a crap list, but I’m going to give you a smile list or ‘good things’ list. Last week sucked and since things have gently turned around, I really don’t feel like ending an entry with nonstop bitching.

So here we go.

Crap List

1. Last Week
Did I mention to you that last week was one of the most horrible weeks I have had in the last couple years? When it comes to bad days I understand their use and their place in life. I believe we need bad days in order to maintain perspective on an everyday basis. Afterall, without the bad days the good ones wouldn't be as good. I believe I’m a very low key person and I don’t let a lot of things bother me because no one is more frustrating to deal with than my mom. Everyone else is a piece of apple pie compared to my mom, so I believe I am very tolerable and understanding when it comes to bad stretches. Once in awhile I’ll have a day where I’ll get so frustrated where I’ll throw my phone, yell in my car, and desperately try not to scowl at everyone but those days happen maybe once in a great while.

I had like three of those days last week.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I lost a family member and/or ate a pinworm and/or suffered a Joe Theismanesque injury (tangent: btw, I finally saw that injury a couple days ago. It was everything I dreamed it would be.). Those are elements that indeed contribute to ’bad days’, so I’m putting my bad week in terms of a 2nd tier of bad days.

Oh yeah it was a week where you depend on certain people to be at work (because certain people are ALWAYS at work) and all of the certain people decide to take vacation at the same time.
It was the kind of week where some backstabber takes a misunderstood quote from you and runs with it all the way up the flagpole. Twice.
It was the kind of week where you need to piss people off as part of your job.
It was also the kind of week where you lose a bunch of your prized possessions.
I’ll need a pen at a certain time (and I always have a pen in my pocket) and there’s not one god damn pen in a 100 sq ft. radius.
Where I’ll have 5 people that need something all at the same time.

I believe it was a week where God is playing with a ball-in-cup and I must’ve laughed one hour too long at some god joke so God decided she was bored and said,
“hmm let’s go pick on Tom this week”

And I took it.
Here’s some more stuff of what happened this last week.

2. People talking and talking and TALKING
I think I mentioned it before how I really didn’t feel like talking to anyone last week as a result of my bad week. Well, I ran into a couple people that just would not shut up.

For instance, I’m doing some computer stuff at work where my coworker comes up behind me and sits on my desk. I’m doing my best to ignore them until I finally have to turn around and acknowledge their presence.
“What’s up?”

“oh nothing much”

GUH, he had nothing!
For the next hour I had to listen to him go on and on and ON about stupid shit. I would give all the nonverbal signs of being board with deep sighs, the subtle rolling of the eyes, and basic inattentiveness but nothing worked. Finally I had to make something up just to get out of there. It was just ridiculous.

3. Arguments
I hate arguing. I hate it because no one knows how to argue and no one cares to know. One person’s contention will be a general point and the rebuttal will be a specific anomaly that they will argue and argue.
When I lived with my cousin we had these stupid arguments every god damn day and it drove me insane.

Therefore if you ever meet me, if you have a point to make I’ll respond in basic agreement just so I don’t have to be stuck in an argument. It works most of the time except when someone mentions stuff like,

-Pete Rose should no-doubt be in the hall of fame
-Pink Floyd was a drug band
-no ones better than Brett Favre

Or something completely fucking stupid where I just can’t resist such a hanging curveball.

I know I shouldn’t get into these arguments but I just can‘t resist.

Last week I had a huge argument about oil (of all things) and the guy who I was argueing with were completely lacking any knowledge on the subject. I’m not saying I was right, but I was looking for the guys to meet me halfway. No, for every point I made I was rebutted with some ‘off the wall’ anomaly with everyone completely supporting such a contention.

So I end up looking like a horse’s ass while they walk around with swagger because they could effectively convey a bullshit point.


Ok I’m done being pissed

Smiles

1. Twins winning a crap load
Twins swept the Sox and now are only 2.5 games in back of the wild card. Oh that’s better than last week when we were 17 games out of first and 8 games out of the wild card chase.

2. Blockbuster coupons
I just got back from Blockbuster where I receive a crap load of ‘$1 off’ coupons were given to me as a part of some anti-trust lawsuit. It wasn’t expected and I probably wont use half of them, but it’s still unexpected and nice at the same time.
Naturally I came home, cut out these coupons, and rolled around with them in bed

3. A good conversation
After my family get-together on Saturday, I went to catch a drink with my friend TA (how appropriate) and it was much needed venting fest. It was one of those ‘deep’ conversations where you both are on the same page and talk about your past and the environment around you is nonexistant. It was a good time (almost special) and I think she had fun too.

4. Caramello bars
Mmm these are bitchin

5. That bad-ass full moon on Saturday night
That was surreal! I didn’t want to go bed it because it was so cool outside.

Friday, August 19, 2005

Christmas in July...in August

It's not far
I can walk
Down the block
To TableTalk
Close my eyes
Make the pies all day


Apparently this is me. What are you?


This has definitely been one of those weeks where if I was shopping at Target and an old friend was in the next aisle, I’d go out of my way to avoid contact with that person or any person. The most amount of livelihood conversation I’ve had the past week has been with cute women at Target.

I’ve tried to avoid as much human contact as possible this week because I just don’t want to talk to anyone. As much as I try I just can’t find my nirvana where the phone never rings and I can just blow off some steam in some distant room. I’m just in a disinterested mood.

Despite all that, I’ve had some of the worst conversations ever. The kind of conversations that just have no substance and one person goes on and on and ON about stupid crap. It seems that every time I look over my shoulder there’s someone going on about the time the shot a bear or back in the day when they worked at the machine shop. I’ll give my nonverbal signs of yawning, subtle eye rolling, and sighs but it does nothing. They just keep talking!

I’ve also been chewing my nails, been more fidgety, and needing more gum than normal. Somehow and someway I think that has something to do with the plans this week being the annual,

IOWA CHRISTMAS IN JULY

This year is my mom’s turn to plan such an event so it’s an Iowa Christmas in July… in Minnesota in August. Last year was in the depths of Iowa when I had a couple ‘outs’ in Twins playoff baseball and another heartbreaking Gopher/Wolverines game to listen to on the radio. As my relatives were sitting around playing cards and ‘resting’ I would be in my vehicle listening to Ruben Sierra break my heart. I later found out that I could’ve attended that game in a friggen suite too…grrrr)

This year is supposed to be different because I don’t have to spend a weekend in Iowa, and I can actually make some other plans. That is, if I still want to talk to anyone.

With my mom planning such an event I feel the need to help out with extreme criticism whenever the time calls. My mom does not seem to have the capability to imagine things out and has come up with the most lame assortment of games that go with the ultimate lame theme of ‘take me out to the ballgame’ to go with it. She should join the old Twins marketing gurus who thought of having Twins fans break the world record for people ‘doing the Macarena’ and $1 hotdog night (with only 20,000 available hotdogs).

With such a theme she’s bought a bunch of peanuts and Crackerjacks. For games she’s checked out a book at the library with the title ‘games for kids’ which would be appropriate for kids. In fact we’re only going to have about 3 kids between 6-14 that are actually going to be there (and that is what’s planned).

I can’t wait for the unofficial tradition of my dad and all my uncles showing off their huge trucks in the parking lot. I really can’t explain it because I don’t understand the need to drive a truck 5 hours when they could get twice the better mileage taking their car instead. In my view, what goes on during these Xmas get-togethers is all my uncles and my dad parking their trucks in a circle, facing each other in the parking lot. They then pop open their hoods and start talking about engine sizes and old anecdotes about Dodge Chargers and . After they peruse the half dozen trucks, they beat off to the newest and biggest gas hog.

The lack of youth has actually led to the dismantling of this annual ritual. At one time there were about 12 cousins all within the ages of 6-16 and it was great times. The uncles would play with us kids and it was an absolute treat to have the opportunity to play with everyone.
Actually it isn’t as bad as how I describe it. We have a pretty cool gift exchange where all the adults gather in a circle and everyone throws a gift in the middle. Usually the women pick the gift so it’s stupid flowery, kitchen crap and I always try to change it up a bit. Two years ago I bought a Johnny Cash and Warren Zevon CD set (as an ode to their deaths that year), I ended up taking those CD’s. Last year I bought the movie ‘Deep Impact’ for my gift and my grandma ended up with it, which is damn funny.

This year I was thinking about buying $10 worth of toilet paper but I think the underlying message in such a gift is the message I want to convey.
I was also thinking of buying stuff that only I would like, so it would be like buying a gift for me. :]
Then I was thinking about buying ’The Day After Tomorrow’ but that’s cruel.
Of course I could go with ’Deep Impact’ again…

I just hope I don’t get stuck with a heavily scented candle or some dumb photo album again.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Babe Rankings

Gimme a bet and I’ll take it
I’ve got twenty bucks that says I’m gonna make it
I’ve got twenty two fifty in the bank
and I’d bet it all away given the chance


I think it may be time again-wait.
*checks wind conditions with a whetted finger*
It seems to be a prime moment for…-hold on.
*notes the clouds gently drifting toward the northeast*

It’s time to rank some babes again.

I’ve already established the rules here, so I’ll just continue.

Also, I can’t remember if I have already evaluated these babes so bare with me.

Kirsten Dunst
She has always been a bit of an enigma because sometimes she’s cute and sometimes she shows signs of a butterfacedness (or whatver). She has shown signs of cuteness in movies like Eternal Sunshine and Drop Dead Gorgeous. She also has her butter face moments like here, and here, and here.
I don’t know what to make of her. I think she looks great as a red head in Spiderman.
Oh, and then there was this scene, which she looks amazing. However she doesn’t have a good smile

Therefore…

5.5 and Pretty (sometimes)

The woman on the new ‘Fridays’ commercial
I’m talking about the commercial where the waitress takes the dudes platform shoes and places them on the wall.
Yeah, she’s breathtakingly hot. She definitely takes the torch as the new Subway ‘Opah” girl or the Best Buy Rolling Stones ‘kiss the employee’ girl.
From the 15 seconds I have seen of her, she can do no wrong.
Great smile, just wonderful! Whenever I see this commercial I give this woman a standing applause for such beauty

10 (pretty, cute, beautiful, hot) that’s right, everything!

Kate Hudson
Hmmmm…. Nothing. She does nothing for me.
She’s not ugly, but she’s nowhere near any of the four categories. If I saw her in public, I probably wouldn’t even give a double take, and her topless scene in Almost Famous was dismissible.
That’s not a good sign.

Again it‘s not like I get the dry heaves and shivers like when Sarah Jessica Parker is on tv, but I can’t find anything attractive about her. She’s kind of got the face of Jodie Foster’s alien love child and no decent features for a body.
3 (nothing)

Janice Dickinson
You may know her best from her role in the new VH1 crapfest known as the Surreal life. At first she’s a knockout, hottie, boombalotti. Then I actually saw a clip of her getting her makeup on.

*shudders* That wasn’t a good site. She may as well make a mask and wear it all day for the show because her make-up artists just paint a good looking face on her flesh.
Bleh.

She’d be a solid 8 if she wasn’t all fake.
2.5 (fake hot, which counts for nothing)

Kelly MacDonald
Who? You may ask. Well, I was watching this really stupid movie called The Girl in the Café and she happened to be ‘that girl’. The movie seemed to be by some crazed U2 fan who took notes on everything Bono would say in terms of advocacy and use it for statistics in this film.
Pretty bad IMO.

MacDonald though could be one of the most attractive people I have ever seen on film. She looks fantastic, always looks great (even when she’s supposed to be a depressed, lonely café girl), and she’s got a great Scottish accent.

Her accent is outstanding and I could have hearts racing around my head to her taking out the trash.
I think she is my prototypical woman
10 (pretty, hot, beautiful, and cute) everything again (although I’ve seen an hour in a half of her compared to 15 seconds of the ‘Fridays’ girl

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Not Exactly a Good Day

Hush now baby, baby, dont you cry.
Mother's gonna make all your nightmares come true.
Mother's gonna put all her fears into you.
Mother's gonna keep you right here under her wing.

BAAAAAAH FUCK THE WORLD!

FUCK THESE STUPID COMPANIES!
FUCK THE MAN!

FUCK EVERYTHING!!

Yesterday was one of those ‘I’ve been better’ days.

I woke up to a phone call with a man from Pseudotech wanting to interview me for a job.

He barely mentioned his company name, never mentioned how he received my resume, never even mentioned what the job was (nor did I ask…for some reason).
Something was fishy about defacorp

First thing that tipped me off was the catchy little name that he quickly read off, Vivatech International or anything that ends with -tech.
Second thing was that he failed to mention what the job was. I was thinking throughout the call, What the hell is this company?
Third, the speaking skills this man had for a HR person was dreadful. He was grunting and not even prepared for my response (WTF).

After the phone call I was so curious to check out this place (which was in fucking Crystal!)

When I arrived at this place my curiosity turned to disapointment as the address led to the type of building where dentist, small insurance agency, ’get out of debt quick’ business, and more businesses that end in -tech.

Not a good sign.

I came home and checked the website and the website didn’t even give any insight to what the company does. My frown started growing.

Then I went to a telemarketing website to compare. This website tells you about how great this company is and all the possibilities in careers with such a business. Oh the sky is the limit with commission and A CHANCE TO RUN YOUR OWN BUSINESS!

My conclusion: Pyramid scheme.
Baaaaah

So I drove back home in a worse mood.

I came home to find some odds and ends when I came across ’my bin’.

I believe everyone has something like ’my bin’ be it scrapbooks, photo albums, or maybe even a collection of things like spoons, patches, or pins. It's Something that keep personal, powerful memories inside. Something that you would consider to be the first thing to grab in the midst of a fire or flood.

I had ’my bin’ full of birth stuff, baseball stuff, awards, newspapers, and photos that were essential to me. It wasn’t anything more than the size of a 1X2’ box. There is nothing valuable to anyone in this bin. No one except me where such a bin is the most priceless and treasured keepsake I have. Everyone in my family has such a bin and there's always been the understanding that while people can look, they cannot take anything out of our bins.

This bin is literally my life in objects, pictures, and awards. It's such a bin that whenever I need to ’take stock’ in myself I can always open it up and swim through the bright memories of the extreme good times and life changing events.

As I was rummaging through the newly ’organized’ basement I found ’my bin’ and once I lifted it up when there was something terribly wrong. The once sizable, full plastic container didn’t feel that overcoming.

My heart panicked to a series of rumbling beats as I set the bin down. Wide eyed with my gut feelings on my sleeve, I opened it.

The site was the equivalent of an emotional blow to the temple. Feelings of rage, sadness, helplessness, and misunderstanding filled my thoughts as I was looking into an ‘organized’ bin of only school yearbooks and baby stuff.

Little league championship trophy, gone
box scores of the little league games, gone
Twins World Series newspaper “Twice”, gone
Cal Ripken’s 2131th game newspaper, gone
September 12th newspaper, gone
Twin Cities Marathon 2003 results section of the Pioneer Press, gone

And that’s just the immediate things that come to mind.

“What happened to my stuff!!!!!” I carefully asked.

“Well why didn’t you take it with you when you moved?” was the reply.

…because such a vengeful response makes everything better.

I’m used to this for a point because I have always had dear possessions mistaken as junk like my topographic map of my first backpacking trip, the Twins pennant with signatures, and my Pink Floyd posters. This bin though, was the one exception and I always thought it went without saying.

Now if the house burns down I just have to ensure the safety of my family now that most of my prized possessions are gone.

I just can’t believe it.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

A Good Documentary

Dear God,
hope you got the letter, and...
I pray you can make it better down here.
I don't mean a big reduction in the price of beer


Last year at this time I was counting down the days from when I leave South Dakota and come back to the sweet flatland country of Minnesota. I also found an interesting documentary about the struggles and heartbreak of being a Red Sox fan.

The Curse of the Bambino is an HBO production where they take you from 1918 to 2003, breaking down the most heartbreaking years and trades. Denis Leary, Lenny Clarke, and other Boston notables give you their description and thoughts during the time of the Bucky Dent homerun in ‘78, Buckner’s tragic error in ‘86, and Boone’s stab in the heart during the ‘03 ALCS.

Of course everyone knows how it started, right? Red Sox were considered a baseball dynasty during the 1910’s winning 4 world Series titles in 7 years. Their pitching was greatly helped by Babe Ruth who was a dominant lefty holding the World Series record for scoreless innings at 26 (a record for almost 40 years). The owner of the Red Sox at the time, Harry Frazee traded Babe Ruth to the Yankees for cash so Frazee could help his financial problems. Within two years Babe Ruth went on to hit 54 homeruns in 1920. 54, which is almost three times more than the 2nd best homerun total in 1920 (19).

Whatever, look at these stats!

Anyway, Red Sox never win the World Series again until 2004 and the Yankees go on to win 27.

The movie was directed by Steven Hilliard Stern and he does a great job of allowing the viewers to feel the pain that so many Red Sox fans have been going through since 1918.

I especially liked the anectodote about everyone walking the streets of Boston after gave 6 in 1986. It’s exactly what I was doing after Minnesota’s unspeakable game.

The documentary ended on a huge down note because the Red Sox hadn’t won a World Series at the time. It ended with people visiting graves of lifelong Red Sox fans and it give the picture of what would happen if they would ever win a WS. “There would be a million deaths by the people that held on that long, by the people that vowed to stay alive until the Red Sox win the WS”
“The city would melt down!

So I’m flipping through HBO at 3:30am when I find this same documentary with the name changed to Reverse of the Curse of the Bambino. This documentary has the better ending and it definitely makes the viewer feels so good knowing that these people can finally give the whole thing a rest.

I would definitely recommend this documentary if you’re ever flipping around HBO at 3:30am!

Monday, August 15, 2005

Another Rant

And she says you are not alone
Laying in the light
Put out the fire in your head
And lay with me tonight


Instead of a crap list, I’m going to rant about a topic that I haven’t ranted about in over six months. This is a topic that makes my blood boil whenever someone says anything, whenever I see a special on TV, and whenever I see one of those stupid magazines.

I’m talking about weddings: the ceremony AND reception. I hate them both!

Before I simply disliked weddings like I dislike going to church. Now I despise weddings-at least the traditional, boring, thoughtless ones-because I know weddings can be better than ‘The Traditional Wedding’. I know it!

Which brings me to one of two instances that started this rant, my friend M.

M was the first friend I ever had. We lived less than a block from each other, constantly spent our childhood biking around our neighborhood, and we knew as much about each other as a damn married couple. We were the definition of best friends.

Since those years we have naturally moved away and we talk every now and then about anything.

About a month ago he called me up to tell me about his wedding,

“Oh that’s awesome! Congrats!

“Yeah it’s a smaller wedding, mostly family than anything, but that’s what I was calling about. I would like to invite you to my bachelor party next week.

“Hell yeah, I’d love to go.”

“Great! Then I have the wedding the next day, would you like to go to the wedding?”

“Aaah, no thanks. No offense, I just really, really hate weddings.”

“Oh, ok well would you like to come to the reception then?”

“eyeeeeh, nah, I’m not down with the receptions either. I’ll be at the bachelor party though!”

And that was that. M, who I’ve spent a good portion of my life with and I totally disregard going to his wedding.

Even worse, I don’t regret it for a second. I never once had the thought, ’Gee, maybe I should just stop by.’

Nope, not once.

However I am truly happy for M, I gave him a nice card (and I rock at writing cards), gave him my well wishes, and was genuinely happy for him the day of his wedding.

Because I would rather feel happy for him than the usual negative thoughts like, ’Oh Christ, I hate the fucking chicken dance!’ or ’Why the hell can’t they pick a non-traditional song for the first dance?”

So I really don’t feel that bad about skipping the wedding/reception.

Then for occurrence 2,
I met an old Toys R’ Us friend at work the other week. I used to work at Toys during my senior year of high school and I left vowing never to work in retail again. The people who I worked with (including my other best friend BB) were in this stupid ‘Toys’ cult where they would go out, get fucked up, and try to stump each other with ’Toys’ knowledge.

Yes, they were just like any nerd that has worked at Wal-mart…and didn’t mind it.

Anyway I never went out with this gang because they were all way to happy and silly and completely crazy for my liking.

As I keep running into the old gang it seems that they all have had a falling out and no-one talks to each other anymore. Whenever I ask one person about ’if they’ve ran into so-and-so’ they just take a deep breath and say, ’Weeeeeell, we don’t hang out anymore. There’s been a falling out.’
Which leaves me in my old position of not caring and figuring that someone simply killed someone else because they were just that fucked up. THEY WORKED AT TOYS R’ US FOR CHRIST SAKES!

So I run into J at work and J is someone I enjoyed talking to. I gave her a great going away (probably top 5 all time) card, and she’s just a all-around nice person. We exchange pleasantries and business cards and that was that. Although she did mention that before I took my room in my apartment, it reeked for weeks because there was a decaying human being…in the apartment… that I currently live in right now.

Cool!

I get this call a week later about another co-worker,

“Remember that one guy in the back room?”

“Uh… not really. I remember the name but that’s it.”

“Anyway he’s getting married tomorrow and I was wondering if you would like to go with me to the wedding?”

“I’m sorry, I’m not that interested. I hate weddings and I don’t even know the guy”

“Aww come on, what do you have going on tomorrow?”

“Well, nothing. I’m just going to eat frozen pizza and watch Christopher Walken’s famous Cowbell sketch thirty times in a row. Ha ha ‘I gotta have more cowbell!’ haha.”

And that was that. No more calls, no more pleasantries.

I don’t feel that bad because three weeks ago she didn’t exist for all I knew and if she wanted to go to a Twins game I would be all for it!

Here’s my beef with weddings and receptions, they are the exact same every time! They are always the exact same except the people are different. Same layout, same costumes, same chicken dinner, same cake--IT’S ALL THE SAME!
I hate how the wedding party eats above everyone else as if were at the Target pharmacy.
I hate how we have to wait 2 hours for food.
I hate the DJ’s

It’s all just horrible, HORRIBLE!

Then the DJ comes in and plays,

‘The chicken song’
‘Friends in small places’
‘YMCA’
‘Rock your body’
‘Save a Horse, ride a cowboy’
‘We are family’
‘Wonderful tonight’
Achy Breaky Heart
Love Shack
The Macarena.

Yes, all of the worst songs in the whole entire history of the whole fucking world. If I knew of a reception that didn’t feature any of these, I would probably go and be generally happy.

And this is the event that takes months of planning. MONTHS OF PLANNING???

Hell, I could plan one of these in a week. I’m fairly certain of it. It would definitely not be a “traditional” wedding but it would be good.

Yeah if anyone wants me to plan a wedding, I’ll do so for a fraction of what Jennifer Lopez charges.

Friday, August 12, 2005

A Casual Trip to Dairy Queen

I've walked these streets
in a carnival
of sights to see
all the cheap thrill seekers
the vendors & the dealers
they crowded around me


Things were silly-crazy from 3-7pm and I needed to sit down, eat some lunch, and think about fantasy football. All that got old really fast, so I stared out the window for a half hour and thought about the weekend, the massacre known as Twins @ White Sox next week, and camping.

A half hour later I thought, ‘Fuck this, I’m going to Dairy Queen’ because it seemed to be a ‘Dairy Queen’ type night.

I enter the car and think,

Man, it goes without saying (or thinking) that I need to get a big-ass blizzard because I want one, but what kind? Should I try the double fudge brownie thingy? I want to. I really do, but how can I go against my roots? For years I have had the Oreo cookie blizzard because that’s what I get. I can’t stray from what I know! If I’m going to pay $4 I’m going to maker sure I get my moneys worth and an Oreo cookie blizzard is worth it. After all, you don’t want to be one of those foofy types of people that puts brocoli and *gasp* pineapple on pizza do you?

“NO I DON’T!” because I usually talk to myself in the car.

I pull into the Dairy Queen parking lot when I get second thoughts.

That double fudge cookie thingy looks really good. How will I ever know how good it tastes if I don’t try it? Ooooh but remember that one lady that bought that banana split that one time? Mmmm, that looked really good. Fuck. It would be the coolest ever if they still had Joust in there. I don’t know what the hell that game was about but it was cool!

I start to pull alongside the speaker.

Oh crap, what am I gonna have? Mmmm double fudg-

“Can I help you?”
Here we go…
“I’ll take a--
Double fudge! Double fudge!!!
--Large Oreo cookie blizzard.”

“That will be $4.14. Please pull ahead” but there were already some cars in line keeping me at the speaker.

What about the double fudge? I guess we’ll never know will we?

“haha Nope!”

“Excuse me sir, did you say something?”
Bwhahahahaha
“Oh sorry, never mind”

…although a banana split would be kinda cool. I don’t think I’ve had one of those for at least ten years. I remember that Yukon cruncher blizzard. Now that was awesome.

I reach for the money in my pocket.

At what point does Dairy Queen stop raping us from behind? I mean 4+ bucks for a big cup of ice cream and cookies? That and that double cheeseburger combo is like 5 bucks! I mean you’d think that Dairy Queen could upgrade these barns and bring in more video games and produce some really glossy and shiney cups that I could eat my blizzard out of.

“$4.14”
“and here’ s your large Oreo cookie. And here’s your penny.”
“Thanks”

…Shiney, glossy cups eh?

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Brunette is Better

It's down to me
The difference in the clothes she wears
Down to me, the change has come,
She's under my thumb

I came home at 2:30am the other night and was watching music videos. I usually watch VH1 classic for the hilariously bad 70’s videos (disco), terrible 80’s videos (anything by Peter Cetera), and some 90’s vidoes that I haven’t seen in a long time.

Then there’s Vh1 Jams where they play the newest in hiphop and I enjoy seeing the biggest black asses out there jiggling like black jello. It’s quite hypnotizing!

I’ll also flip to Vh1 country to see what all the fine women in country (most notably Sara Evans). Sometimes I’ll turn the volume off if it’s just stupid, but most of the time I’ll daydream about how I wish more women would turn “country”. I’m talking about worn out jeans, a belt, maybe a plaid-like shirt, and those cowboy-heal-things that they wear. I also think women wearing cowboy hats is incredibly sexy too.

As I was watching I noticed a great looking tall brunette singing about a Mississippi woman. I was watching with a slight line of drool from my mouth because this woman was incredible. I have always been slightly in tune with the country scene to know the artists/hotties, but I couldn’t figure out who this was.

You know who it was? It was none other than a brunette Faith Hill.

Talk about enhancing ones’ beauty. She went from a 6.5 to at least a straight 8 (insert joke here).

I will fully admit that I am a dark hair, dark eyes assman meaning, if a woman has dark hair, dark eyes, and the slight bulge from an ass, I’ll be needing a restraining order in no time!

Add a cowboy hat and I’ll spontaneously combust.

Unbelievable!

Then I stumbled onto the newest annoying song by Gwen Stefani. I’m usually too tired to try and figure out the story behind Gwen Stefani’s “cool”, but I do know that the video features a dark haired Stefani.

My heart skipped a beat when I first saw this video. “Who the hell is that?” I asked because no way would Gwen ever go away from her trademark blond hair, right?

She did in this video and she went from a 6 to an immediate 9 because, HOT DAMN, she’s looks great as a brunette!

That got me thinking about Jessica Simpson who is regarded as one of the sexiest women alive to everyone except me. Although I have nothing against blondes none will ever make my top 10 list including Mrs. Simpson because I prefer dark hair (and women who aren‘t dumb as all hell).

However if she turned brunette, I may actually find out first hand why everyone thinks she’s so sexy. Why oh why wasn’t her ‘Daisy Duke’ part cast with her in dark hair like the original?

If she was to have any sort of a brain (and that’s debatable seeing as she could be ‘acting’ dumb to gain ratings) she had definite potential to be a “10” if she were a brunette.

Then if she was to wear a cowboy hat….

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Logo's

If you're ever in Houston, well, you better do the right;
You better not gamble, there, you better not fight, at all
Or the sheriff will grab ya and the boys will bring you down.
The next thing you know, boy, Oh! You're prison bound.

It seems that the NCAA is doing something about the nicknames to some of the colleges that contain “sensitive” mascots.

I could care less because I believe that if the actual people the universities represent are angry then perhaps a new nickname should be used. It’s really that simple because the Sioux (if they are against North Dakota using their name) should have the right to say, “Fuck you, now remove it or give us half your money”

It’s only fair.

What they’re doing in college is miniscule compared to what is already in professional sports. I’m talking about a name and a logo.

1. The Redskins
Not exactly a decent way to call native Americans now is it. I mean when I went to kindergarten and we reenacted the first Thanksgiving the teacher didn’t say,
“Ok kids, pilgrims over here and Redskins over here! Now after the redskins joined the pilgrims at the giant table they passed around the mashed potatoes and gravy along with the turkey. After the dinner the Redskins and the white folk were friends forever!”

Because that’s what happened….. Right?

Perhaps a name change should be sufficient with a name like “Redskins” for Gods sakes.
This is the same city that changed the name of it’s basketball team to the Wizards instead of the Bullets. They changed that because ‘bullets’ is far more insulting than ‘Redskins’.

Pffff.

2. Let me paint a picture for you,
First off, lets say they’ve gone without any sort of a symbol throughout their history.

I’m working for the Cleveland Indians as an office bitch when the owner approaches me,

“Boof, I want you to design a symbol for our Cleveland Indians. Something that gives ‘Indians’ some dignity, something that says ‘watch out’, something that will boost merchandise sales.
Can you do this for me Boof?”

“Yes sir, I’ll stop by your desk tomorrow!”

So I spend no more than a half an hour that night coming up with my logo. I come in the next day and I show him this.

















Boss’ jaw drops

In Gomer Pile-like way I ask: “How’s it look Boss?”

“Wh-wh-who is that?”

“That’s Chief Wahoo!”

“WHAT?!?”

“Yeah, I thought it looked neat!”
***

I mean really! If I, of all people, think it’s touching on the level of inappropriate, then it’s not anything to consider let alone think of.

I’m a baseball purist at heart, but the whole Chief Wahoo thing is slightly unbelievable.

Anyone ever see the movie “Ghostworld” where Steve Bucemi shows Thora Birch the old logo of the “Coon Chicken” place? It’s along the exact lines, but I think the Wahoo thing is even funnier/more inappropriate.
Funnier in a ‘shockingly, scary, ridiculous depiction of Native American, I can’t believe they sell merchandise and they’ve gotten away with it for this long’ type of funny, which is my kind of funny.

I mean look at this:
















BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA that’s so fucking ridiculous!

Indians, who represent all Native Americans, who ate thanksgiving turkey with us whiteys (riiiiiight), who were forced to Oklahoma via trail of tears and then kicked out, A subject which has been the biggest hushed-over topic in American history.

And we name a baseball team “Indians”,(which is fine if the real native americans are okay with it) and we give this team the ’Chief Wahoo’ logo.

It’s as if a team were named the ’Christians’ and the logo depicted a smiling Jesus with Smiling Romans nailing him to the cross in an ‘insane acid flashback cartoon’ sort of way.

I don’t know-I think Christians may find that a little inappropriate.

Just a little though!

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

20/20?

And after a while, you can work on points for style
Like the club tie, and the firm handshake
A certain look in the eye, and an easy smile


Local eye doctor, last August

Doctor examining my eyes: yeah, you’re eyes are permanently scarred due to dirty contacts. You wont be wearing contacts too much anymore and if you still wanted to, you’d have to buy these special contacts that cost $200 a pop
Boof: Well I’ll just be on my merry way then
Doctor: You also need an new prescription for lenses.
Boof: But I can see just fine with my normal glasses.
Doctor: Well, I think you should get some new glasses

I was smelling something fishy.

Usual eye doctor, last month (back to the original due to insurance reasons)
I never told the doctor what the other local one said. Basically I was getting a second opinion and having my left “superballed” eye examined from an infection during my KC trip.

Doctor examining eyes: Okaaay, well you’re eyes haven’t changed a bit since 2003. Except what happend to your left eye?
Boof: I got hit in the eye with a superball when I was 18 and It caused some damage.

Doctor: huh? Nevermind, I dont care.

Boof: any signs of diseases or permanent damage?

Doctor: Nothing besides your bad vision, but that’s obvious.

Boof: Nothing?

Doctor: nope, actually your eyes have changed slightly but not enough for you to notice. I shouldn’t think you would need a new prescription. You may need a new set of contacts, but even that could be made a couple months from now.

Boof: sweet, how bout lasik?

Doctor swings his chair over and starts ‘respectin’ me as he gently hands me my glasses: Lasik? Absolutely, I think that would be great for you. You can get a free testing today for our records and all the info you would need.

It gives me goose bumps thinking about it.

I can hardly imagine it, but I’ll try.

I’m very groggy and tired after that huge monster gangbang with the cast of the Facts of Life--yes, they’re all old now-- as my eyelids gently open. Everything is blurry from my squinting and I notice the bright sun subtly trying to wake me up. My eyes open a little more and I glace at my alarm clock that says “11:15am”. Turns out I woke up early.
I sit up and, I can recognize all the books stacked up on the shelf on the opposite side of the room. I can even easily make out my CD’s from twenty feet away! That, right there, is enough to freak me out a little

Something just isn’t right and I can’t figure it out until it hits me, I can see! I check to make sure my contacts aren’t on and to figure out if my eyes itch and are bloodshot red. Nothing.

Just the thought of waking up and not having to blindly remember where you stored your glasses the night before makes it worth it. The thought of watching TV at 2am and, instead of having to take out the saline solution and swirl the water around the lenses, but going right to bed is breathtaking to me.

My vision has been terrible for about 13 years. I can take off my glasses right now and not make out anything on my computer screen. Nothing, not even the ’Works’ icons on the top. Not even the huge start button on the bottom left.

Of course such a surgery costs a pretty penny but I think it may be cheaper to go with the surgery bases on my age and the alternative of glasses/contacts.

And it’s not like my eyes will depreciate in the sense that a car does either.

To see 20/20 again, without the use of glasses or contacts though makes me want to throw up of excitement.

Sunday, August 07, 2005

Where Am I?

For now there's something else that's calling me
So take me down a lonesome road
Point me east and let me go
That suitcase weighs me down with memories

I finally got to attend a Saints game this year. Last time we tried we had a shitstorm of a storm and it just couldn’t happen.

Crap List

1. Yuppies at the ballpark
We sat in the General Admission bleachers along the third base side. Temperature was in the upper 80’s, but that’s exactly what the forecast called for. If you’re one to bitch, it was a little hot.

We sit down and we’re surrounded by yuppies, khaki shorts, polo shirt wearing dads who can’t resist buying crap for their kids. This bugs me in two ways: A. My ignorance B.My Jealousy

I’ll start with B. The few times my parents have ever taken me to the ballpark we’ve either smuggled food in or just delt with being hungry. Begging, whining, and crying would only result in never going to a ballgame again and we were mostly happy just attending at the game.
All in all I believe my parents did an excellent job balancing greed and dying in the fact that they’d only buy us stuff if we really needed it (food, water, ect). We never got frozen lemonade or the ice cream inside the batting helmet.

Yet these parents are fulfilling their kids every whim by constantly buying them crap.

Then A: I’m the last person to talk to when it comes to fashion, but this bugs me more than anything.

Polo shirt tucked into khaki shorts.

I watch as a huge group of families all led by 6’4” fathers wearing a god awful bright yellow/white/pink(?) Ralph Lauren polo shirts all tucked into these pathetic khaki shorts. The game started ten minutes ago and these shits are just NOW deciding to find a seat.
I narrow it down to the man in the ridiculously (and hideous) pink polo shirt as he finds a spot on the bench. His family follows as he takes his bottled water and splashes it on the bench and cleans off the area with his nice cloth he had in his pocket.
Strike 1

I remind myself that I’m at a minor league baseball game sitting in the bleachers (aka: blue collar section) and these guys are pulling this foofy shit.

Later in the game a foul ball is hit in our direction-just a lazy pop fly that floated over our section. I watch as the family of yuppies duck for cover as the ball lands behind them in a sea of six hands all trying for the catch.
Strike 2

Third inning it’s getting hot but nothing worth complaining about--after all everyone should’ve known it was going to be this hot. I see the entire yuppie led family make their way for the exits hearing this from the head asshat,
“C’mon kids it’s too hot and I got stop at the office.”

I stared in awe.

By the end of the 7th (still tie game) all the yuppies were gone and I’m sitting in a nearly empty set of bleachers.

Minnesota, outdoor baseball in the bright sunshine, and a tied ballgame…

And it’s “too hot“.

I have come to the conclusion that yuppies should never come to baseball games and their kids will turn out to be whiney, candy coated bitches.
I fully admit my ignorance, so prove me wrong yuppies.*

*As if a yuppie would be reading this.

(The more you know) If you find yourself at 40 with a family, wearing a polo shirt stuffed into a pair of khaki shorts, kill yourself.

2. Polo shirts with the collar up

Twins game a couple weeks ago

D motions over to a preppy teenager wearing a polo shirt with the collar up around his jaw: Look at that guy over there. What a cool dude.
Boof: Why’s his collar up like that?
D: That’s the cool thing nowadays. You’re “cool” if you put your collar up like that.
Boof: Naw, I don’t believe that. That’s the dumbest thing ever.
D: It is and I really wish that all those idiots could see themselves and stupid they look.

After all,
“When the collars go up the panties come down”.


So if we were to have two dudes wearing polo shirts: one with his collar up and the other with his collar down(and this besides my annoyance with polo shirts).
A girl would look closer at the dude with the collar up?
Because he looks more attractive portraying some Star Trek character. (?)

Everyone, say hello to the ridiculously idiotic fashion fad of the mid 2000’s.
I thought pinning of the pants was dumb, but it’s nice not to have bellbottom-like pants flopping everywhere. Then there was the pants going halfway down your ass in the mid nineties, but I suppose they’ll grow into those pants eventually.

Now it’s the collared up polo shirt.

Well, I guess it makes it easier to pick out the mindless teenagers.

3. North St. Paul Target and Woodbury Target having the opposite layout.
In 15 minutes from where I live, I could choose between 6 Targets to shop at. I know that Minnesota is the home of Target, but enough with these Target stores popping up like herpes after a giganto gangbang.
Even so you’d think they’d have the same layout.

I head over to the Woodbury store, electronics are on the left side of the store. Then I’ll go to North St. Paul on another day and I walk to where I think the video games are located and I find the first aid trinkets. Electronics are on the whole other end of the store.

It’s probably more me because I’ll actually forget where I am once I step inside the store.

(On more than one occasion I’ve walked out startled and said, “Woah, I’m in Woodbury.”)