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Monday, October 31, 2005

Crap and Urination

One of them bullets went straight for the jugular vein
There were people running , a flash of light
Then everything changed

Lets get right down to it.

Crap List

1. Jim Tressel
I’m all for gay rights and I never use the term “gay” to mean anything bad, but there’s only one word to describe the way Jim Tressel trots out to mid field at the end of any game.
Faggy
It’s the whole look: the vest, the Lego hair, and that smug trot. I’m sorry, the whole act just looks extremely faggy. One could almost make an observation like,
There’s Jim Tressel faggily trotting over to mid field .

I don’t know, It just looks a little odd.

2. Elizabethtown
I had to see it just for my own curiosity. I wanted to watch the movie, see My Morning Jacket, and think, “Hey, I just saw those guys last night.” because when would one ever say that? It also seemed like a decent movie according to the trailer.

Twenty minutes into the movies I really had to piss. I didn’t want to leave because I didn’t want to miss the rest of the movie and I didn’t want to make a scene because I was on the other end of the theatre. So I held it.
Through the establishment of the Dunst/Bloom relationship-held it
Through the tears-faggily crossed my legs and held it.
Through the kissing-held it.

At one point I saw someone leave the theatre because it was either so bad or he was in the same predicament I was. I looked at that guy in extreme envy because at that point my only fantasy involved a chest high wall of porcelain. What was even worse is that Patty Griffin sings “Moon River” AT. THE. VERY. END. OF. THE CREDITS. And I had to hear it.
Movie ended, terrible movie, and now I’m sitting through the credits. Blah, blah,blah and man I have never had to piss so bad in my life. Everyone left the theatre except for me who felt the need to push down at my crotch in a constipated expression on my face. While doing this I was carefully listening to the credit music.

That movie had a ton of credits dedicated to music and it took for-fucking-ever. Finally, Moon River and I closed my eyes and tried to absorb the music. Aaaah the sweet sounds of Patty Griffin-whoa. My urethra was crying because…my bladder was on F.
Eureka it’s over and now I have another problem, what exactly will happen when I stand up? I was afraid that once I stand up, like a un kinked garden hose, I would violently begin pissing right there in the theatre.

I got up and there was no pissing, but my body cried out with “what the hell were you thinking?” and gave me some hardcore cramps. I galloped to the bathroom and that feeling.
Oh that had to be one of the best feelings ever and it was definitely in the top five for top pissing performances.

It was wonderful. Ah…but yeah, the whole experience sucked.

3. People who place books on their desk to show that they care about their job.
I’m talking about the person that feels the need to show off their “Powerful Team Building For a More Profitable Company” type books. They have a handful of these books delicately placed all around their desk as if they want everyone to know how dedicated they are.

Does that shit actually work? Does a boss come around and think,
“Hmmm Francis looks like he reads books about his job. It’s a good think he placed those books on his desk because otherwise I wouldn’t know. I’m going to give him a raise.”
If that’s the case then I’m going to continue wearing glasses, build me a huge bookcase and fill it with every phony book around, and dress up in a suit everyday for my job…in construction. Then I’ll be working days and it will prove that the boss is a true idiot.

Happy Halloween everyone!

Friday, October 28, 2005

Geez...

The lone wolf kissed her mouth like so many before
Scarecrow closed her eyes and then she closed the door
And the rain fell down on the tin roof when the hunters came that night
Stole all of her memories killed the wolf and all his lies

*sigh* The White Sox just had a damn good team.

Everyone knew it all year with that pitching staff, clutch hitting, the dismissal of the error prone power hitters and the addition of vital role players. They barely even had any controversy this year other that “collapse” late in the year (if you want to even call it that). I believe they may have been one of the best 1 run teams ever. Any game in extra innings is almost a clear sign of failure because somehow, someway the White Sox would find a way to take the lead and eventually win.

My main bitter pill is watching AJ Pierzynski in the thick of all the controversy. AJ has always been on of my favorite players for stuff like stepping on the 3rd basemen, and his “BOOYAH” yell from his ‘02 homerun against the A’s (one of my favorite all time games). I love that asshole persona he gives and I would pay money to hear what he says to the batter while catching behind the plate.

So for the past four years the Twins have always had the last laugh when it came to the White Sox by always beating them when it mattered most. Now those White Sox fans have the upper hand at least for all of next year by waving around their championship flag all around.

How much you wanna bet that the ring ceremony will be when the Twins are in town? Or maybe it’ll end up being the banner unveiling or something.

Yuck

Picks

Cleveland @ Houston
Yuck…
Browns 24 Texans 13

Green Bay @ Cincinnati
Yuck…
Bengals 45 Packers 17

Arizona @ Dallas
Yuck…
Cowboys 28 Cardinals 17

Chicago @ Detroit
Yuck…
Lions 21 Bears 20

Oakland @ Tennessee
Yuck…
Raiders 31 Titans 28

Washington @ NY Giants
*shakes head* Good lord there are some crappy games this week. Like Eric, I’m rooting for the Redskins this year. Actually I’m rooting for them because I have a couple decent players from their offense.
Based on that, Redskins win
Redskins 28 Giants 24

Jacksonville @ St. Louis
I love the Jaguar’s defense! Whoever the Rams have at QB will die.
Jaguars 17 Rams 10

Kansas City @ San Diego
The Chargers have really been screwed this year by forth quarter collapses. I still think they’re good though. They’ll bust out in this game all pissed off ‘n shit.
Chargers 35 Chiefs 28

Miami @ New Orleans
How the hell could the NFL have the balls to move out the Saints after a natural disaster like that? Spineless, completely spineless.
Saints 24 Dolphins 13

Tampa Bay @ San Francisco
Yuck…
Bucs 31 49ers 27

Philadelphia @ Denver
The Eagles have been lucky this year. I don’t think they are that good. Denver smokes the crap against them.
Broncos 20 Eagles 10

Buffalo @ New England
Oooooh interesting… I’m glad this is the Sunday night game.
Patriots 27 Bills 21

Baltimore @ Pittsburgh
Yuck…
Steelers 35 Ravens 17

Minnesota @ Carolina
The Vikings have only won 2 *TWO* road games in the four years that Mike Tice has coached this team. That includes four straight losses in Chicago and a butt load of losses, well, basically anywhere outside on grass. Based on that, the Vikings will probably lose.
Prove me wrong guys. Prove me wrong.
Panthers 27 Vikings 9

Damn, Eric smoked us all last week...


Week 8
EricHannesAliecat46,XYBoof
Cleveland @ Houston
Texans


Browns
Browns
Green Bay @ Cincinnati
Packers


Bengals
Bengals
Arizona @ Dallas
Cards


Cowboys
Cowboys
Chicago @ Detroit
Bears


Bears
Lions
Oakland @ Tennessee
Titans


Titans
Raiders
Washington @ NY Giants
Giants


Giants
Redskins
Jacksonville @ St. Louis
Rams


Jaguars
Jaguars
Kansas City @ San Diego
Chargers


Chargers
Chargers
Miami @ New Orleans
Dolphins


Dolphins
Saints
Tampa Bay @ San Francisco
49ers


Bucs
Bucs
Philadelphia @ Denver
Broncos


Broncos
Denver
Buffalo @ New England
Bills


Patriots
Patriots
Baltimore @ Pittsburgh
Ravens


Steelers
Steelers
Minnesota @ Carolina
Panthers


Panthers
Panthers
Last Week(10-4)(7-7)(8-6)(7-7)(7-7)
Overall(52-50)(58-44)(36-66)(33-69)(56-46)

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Quick Bits and Links

And the days go by....
like a strand in the wind
In the web that is my own...
I begin again

-I was watching the movie “Dave” earlier today. Everytime they reference a sandwich, it makes me hungry. I get especially hungry when he tells Sigorny Weaver about his “special” sandwich. I bet it’s got some ham, some beef sticks, gravy, mashed potatoes, and marble jack cheese in it. That would be a special sandwich. Mmmm, I should make a special sandwich sometime.

-Late Sunday night I was also watching Costas Now with Bob Costas and he had Pete Rose on. The more I think about him and see him, the more angry I get. Hall of Fame pitcher, Jim Palmer and old tennis player John McEnroe joined him as they talked about baseball. Of course the ‘betting on baseball’ topic came up when Pete Rose blurted out what made me spit my pop all the way out my apartment and over my balcony,
“I care about baseball! I care about this game!”

I stood up and started yelling at my TV,
“YOU DON’T CARE ABOUT BASEBALL YOU LYING SACK OF SHIT! IF YOU CARED YOU WOULDN’T HAVE BET ON BASEBALL!”
I then noticed where I was and decided to change the channel…

(warning: this may only interest me so skip it or bare with me)
-So I switched the channel to the movie “Sideways” starring Paul Giamatti (Pig vomit from Howard Stern’s Private Parts) and Hayden Thomas Church (wings), which is a very good movie. After fifteen minutes of watching I went to Imdb.com to see the trivia with this movie.

As it turns out Paul Giamatti is the son of the late Bart Giamatti (commissioner of MLB from ‘86-’89) and it was Bart who banned Pete Rose from baseball.
“Well I’ll be god damned.” I said as I nearly shatted myself because I had no idea Pig Vomit was the son of one of the most respected commissioners of baseball.
With my hatred of Pete Rose still in my blood from his insane comment, it became clear that Paul Giamatti was the ultimate protagonist.

-I love writing quick bits

-Lesbians in the WNBA? Naaaaw.

-This blog is supposedly worth $3,951.78 according to this site. Who’s wants it?

-The new Gatorade commercials that have the best known shots in sports only with different outcomes is very disturbing to me. I was at Buffalo Wild Wings last Sunday when I spotted Dwight Clark dropping that famous touchdown pass from Joe Montana. I was like,
“Woah, what the hell was that about?” and then they had Michael Jordan missing a famous shot, Jeter not making that famous play against the A’s, and other things.
That got me thinking, if they were to show Kirby Puckett striking out in game 6 of the ‘91 World Series, I would probably have a heart attack. Seriously, it’s not something I want to imagine ever. I would probably throw up.

-I just found out that the movie, “Elizabethtown” not only features the music of a couple favorite artists of mine, but they’re actually in the damn movie! Patty Griffin actually plays a family member in Orlando Bloom’s family (I think). Then My Morning Jacket (Saturday night at Quest club) is Orlando Bloom’s brother’s band in the film.
That’s bloody crazy!

-My fantasy football team has now won two games in a row and now my overall record is (2-5)

-I bought the new special edition of Titanic on Tuesday. Let me tell you, there’s nothing manlier than walking up to the counter, opening up the rival store’s ad, and then telling them that this movie is cheaper at Circuit City than here and that you would like the discount on this movie, Titanic. It’s still one of my favorite movies though. I’m not afraid to admit it.

-I’ve had a tummy ache the past couple days and I’ve quickly figured out that it isn’t what I’m eating. It's that the god damn White Sox are probably going to win the World Series. Mark Buerhle is going to win a world series. I’m going to throw up. Then again, the Astros are hitting as bad as the Twins did this past year.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

So, What Happened?

Well I started out down a dirty road
Started out all alone
And the sun went down as I crossed the hill
And the town lit up, the world got still

My family took me to supper on Sunday night and we got into an interesting conversation…

Mom: Why don’t you grow your hair out? You look like a freak with no hair.
Boof: Well, I really don’t have any hair thanks to you and Dad.
Mom: pfff You didn’t get your baldness from my family, everyone in my family had hair. You gotta blame that on your Dad.
Dad: I didn’t really have any bald relatives either
(not exactly the topic I would like to be talking about on my birthday but whatever…)
Boof: So your grandpa had hair?
Dad: I never knew any of my Dad’s parents because they passed away well before I came about.

Boof: oh well why--oh, ah never mind.

Because there was probably no one living with any knowledge of the death of my great grandparents.

Ah, the topic that has been skirted around for years. The enigmatic subject that has lingered around for years. The biological grandfather.

Now when I was younger I was very gullible and my parents are not exactly the honest type, so I now take whatever stories they told me with a grain of salt. I can’t remember when I found out and how I came to terms with how I knew about the death of my dad’s dad (because grandpa, to me, has always been someone else, my dad’s step dad) but I assume that my cousin told me at a young age.

I only asked my dad about his dad once and it was eerily quiet because I was terrified of peeling any scabs that may come off. Apparently my dad’s dad died of a brain hemorrhage in the early 60’s when my dad was in high school and his sisters in elementary school. Obviously he cried for days.

Wow.

So, to get this straight, a family of five-two young daughters, one high school aged son and the mother- all had to endure the death of the head of household right in the thickness of adolescence. The more I think of it the more it seems amazing.

Never has my dad visited a tombstone, outwardly reflected, or barely mentioned his dad. I don’t know if it’s painful (probably) or because it’s been over 40 years (could be) or anything. No one celebrates the man’s birthday and I haven’t ever heard any of my aunts say anything either. I have seen one picture of this man presenting my dad with an award while he was in cub scouts. The man looked just like my dad only with a full head of hair (grrrr). It was rather amazing.

It also explains why my dad was subtle hints of freaking out about his medical condition in his late forties. He doesn’t know how his grandparents passed but what he does know is that his father died in his late forties. Heredity possibly?

Actually I do remember asking my dad why he never visited his dad’s tombstone when he visit’s the relatives. His response,
“Well, I don’t have time.” if that isn’t a bunch of blatant BS I don’t know what is.

I do believe I’ll have to put on my Boof Brocovich cap on and figure this out a bit. Get some hard nosed evidence and get to the root of the issue…or maybe not.

Monday, October 24, 2005

Dreams Do Come True

i've been up and down this highway and i ain't seen a road sign yet
it's a cold hard world baby you gotta hang on to what you get
i don't believe in miracles but that don't mean they don't come true
well i may not get to heaven but i get a little closer when i'm with you


The cold, dark morning stings as the clouds of despair and controversy cover the once full and beautiful moon. The neighborhood below is full of old neighbors who are mean, crude, and can’t help talking about glory years of the past. This is without a doubt the toughest, most historic neighborhood in the county and times are now extremely tough.

The house that sits to the northwest portion of the neighborhood has been hit hard by the fall. Two weeks ago the tenants decided to take down a couple walls and managed to damage the main support. Now things are eerily quiet in this purple downtrodden home. Despite the tenants, the damages, and the condition; the fire still burns deep into the basement.

The cool October breeze blows through the neglected window of the purple house causing the tattered curtains to console the wind. Catching this breeze inside is a photo album filled with 45 tear stained pages of hurt, heartbreak, and misfortune. Within the book there are happy memories, but at this point these pleasant moments fuel the evil, hurtful moments in time.

Directly east lies the meanest, ugliest neighbors around. Within the house painted with ugly yellow siding and green trim is the raunchiest tenants one could dream of. The owners constantly brag about their past and smugly forget about the present. The neighbors are very religious in that they worship their maintenance man who gets the job done, but is abruptly aging at an accelerated rate.

Last Sunday the Packers played the Vikings in a game that had as much feeling as the Superbowl. Granted, winning wouldn’t bring all the accolades, but losing would definitely have a similar feeling as losing the super bowl. 40,000 scarred fans led the team as they were caught in stupid irony of chasing cheerleaders out of the symbolic scavenger’s ship. Still, the fans believed with red, embarrassed faces.

After ninety minutes of hopelessness the fans and team seemed to be in that all too familiar state of disbelief and disgust. There was no hope in sight as the Green Bay Packers were destroying the Minnesota Vikings on the Vikings home field. How low could everything drop?

Then with a brilliant shot from the west the clouds parted just enough for a little trickle of moonlight to hit the house of painful memories. One drive, touchdown pass. Another drive, touchdown pass and before anyone knew it, the Vikings were leading with two minutes remaining. Then came the much worshipped messiah now with the ball and driving the Packers down the field for the lead or at least the tying field goal. Fans watched with bated breath and everyone could see the future.

With one kick of the ball the game with the weight of two franchises was now tied with 30 seconds to go. On came the kickoff and the Vikings offense with 30 seconds and one timeout.
Pass complete for 12 yards.
Tick, tick, tick.
Quick 11 yard pass to the sidelines with 2 seconds to go.
The bumbling coach, without any more options, sent out the kicker for an unheard of 56 yard field goal. No one believed and hope seemed to be hidden away amongst the Packer fans anticipation.
The ball exploded from the kickers leg. The fire still roared well beneath the demolished walls and the moon still shone down on the house. The ball was straight and millions of fans watched wide eyed as the ball reached it’s height and still maintained it’s path.

Sure enough the clouds parted, petals dropped, and the kiss warmly embraced to the up-stretched arms of two unknown strangers. The kick was good and for one moment politics didn’t exist, money was not an issue, and dreams had come true.
The Vikings beat the Packers.

Back at the neighborhood, the morning light pushed away the previously cloudy sky. For one morning the house in the neighborhood was free of the dark dreary days of its’ past and instead looked forward to the sun’s red sky of the East.

About Saturday Night...

we're not romeo we're not juliet
how long does it take to fill this emptyness
we're just two lost souls and baby we got no regrets
we don't wanna say bye-bye
We’re nothing unless we try


Bwahahahhaa god damn do the Packers suck. Bwahahhahahahah

Crap List

1. Drunken Boof
Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce you to drunken Boof, happy and incapable of any feelings other than constant happiness. Hugs are given around and anything goes.
The problem with drunken Boof is that he lacks any other emotion other than happiness. If there are any taboo topics for certain people (and everyone has at least one) for instance, someone’s mother may have passed away recently and therefore I would try to avoid that subject all the time. Another person may hate or not get along with someone else, so one would try to avoid bringing the two together.
This is way waaaay beyond the comprehension of Drunken Boof because the thinking is, ‘hey, if I’m happy, everything is great and fine’ which is basically delusional behavior. If he was to see someone he knows at the bar, instead of avoiding the taboo subjects, he’ll greet his friend with something like,
“HEY MAN!!!! THAT TOTALLY SUCKS MY ASS THAT YOUR MOM DIED AND EVERYTHING!!!” which is not exactly avoiding the subject now is it? Also Drunken Boof will try to take two people and act as Sally Jessy Raphael and bring two people who hate each other and try to mend things because Boof is so happy. Then there’s the rubbing of my head and the yelling.
If nothing else though, drunken Boof has a great time at the bar!

2. People who brag about weightlifting
“Yeah those weight machines at Lifetime, I maxed them out because my legs are da bizomb. I would do the hip sled at 1200 lbs and after three sets of ten, my legs wouldn’t even be sore.”
I actually have heard this by three different people who weren’t football players and no where near the body size to be mistaken for Rudy. What they are saying has got to be complete bullshit because I consider my legs to be freakin strong and I can only do about 400 on the hip sled and nothing near 1200lbs. In fact 1200lbs will probably give my tendons the reaction of “What the fuck are you doing? We can’t do that much weight! We go snap now.” What’s worse is that they exaggerate the whole nine yards with the three sets crap. 1200lbs., what the fuck? Unless they’ve got terrible form they gotta be full shit.

Then they tell me that the guys at the gym pressure them into lifting that much. For instance I would be at the chest press doing my typical 110 lbs when some big ass steroid using wrestler will tell me to come over to his bench where he’s got 500lbs and says,
“Hey man come over here and bench this. Don’t be a pussy!” which apparently would make a lot of people walk over and attempt weight that is way more than they’re used to. I know for a fact I would respond with,
“You’re fucking crazy man.” Well, maybe without the “fuck” anyways.

3. August Bucsh IV in those Budweiser Select commercials.
He must be the leader of the metrosexuals because he looks and has that same smuggy smirk that Joe Bucks gives. Interestingly enough, Budweiser is a major sponser of the Cardinals baseball club and Buck actually does the TV play-by-play, so I wonder if they stroke their egos during their time off.
I bet they do. Not that I know August Busch IV very well because I have only seen like 20 collective seconds of him on those commercials, but he looks like the local chapter leader of the ‘I-am-so-awesome’ club. I bet August comes in to the play-by-play booth during Cardinals games to talk to Buck between innings and they exchange their black rimmed framed glasses, talk clothes, and what the best way to part their hair is. Then they make out.
I don’t know, if they were gay I think they would make a great couple business and (potential) personality wise. That’s a whole lot of smugness though!

Why are all brew masters named August?

4. When dreams come true
I’m talking about wedding photos with this title. UGH lets just try and make people throw up. Maybe it’s just that when I hear this phrase it’s in reference to someone doing something unbelievable or miraculous. I would hold this phrase true if I was to marry Sara Evans or something because that would definitely be a dream come true and not for a “regular” wedding because lets not get carried away here.
Dreams come true when I find five bucks in an old pair of jeans or when I find extra fries hidden away in the bottom of the Wendy’s bag. I think in protest, I will name half of the pictures I have “Dreams do come true” just for spite.

Happy birthday to me today!!!

Friday, October 21, 2005

Swallowing Viking Pride

So I'm heading for the nearest foreign border
Vancouver might be just my kind of town
'Cause they don't need the kind of law and order
That tends to keep a good man underground

The media is getting a tad bit ridiculous in terms of the Minnesota Vikings. Yes they are the most dysfunctional team at the moment and yes they seem to always find their way into trouble but this latest bit of “news” is barely even news.

Report: Wilf delivers profanity-laced address to Vikings

So Zygi made a profanity laced tirade at the players. And that is surprising…how? I think there are many fans out there that side with Wilf on this one. He’s the one who paid 625 million dollars on this team filled with complete morons. I wouldn’t expect anything less than a speech shouted out with a bunch of “YOU GUYS ARE A BUNCH OF FUCKING RETARDS!” haphazardly thrown in. At least the public wouldn’t be exposed to such a tirade. At least Wilf knows what to do behind closed doors.

Then a former player said that Tice threatened his players by fighting them at the end of last season.
If anything this is hilarious. Can you imagine this,

“IF ANYONE DISAGREES WITH ME, YOU’LL HAVE TO GET A PIECE OF ME FIRST and don’t even think about it because I’m totally jacked right now.”

Again, that’s barely news. It’s just the national media and former players that are trying to throw shit at a fan.

That’s another thing, the “former” player, who the hell is it? When Tice was found for scalping tickets there as a former player involved with spilling the beans. A former player told about last years boating trip. A former player spoke about Tice’s threats last year. Who is this annoying former player?

Hmmm, I remember when Tice and Kelly Campbell were at loggerheads over end zone celebrations a while back. Campbell, after almost every team touchdown (gee those were the days) would run into the end zone-from the sideline-and partake in some extravagant dance. Tice publicly said he didn’t care for that and Campbell said he didn’t care what Tice had to say.

Then this year Campbell had his 4th string WR spot taken by Koren Robinson before the season started. The team went out of their way to sign Robinson after cutting him, resigning, cutting, and finally resigning him again for contractual reasons. I wonder if there is any bad blood between the Viking’s and Kelly “it is what it is” Campbell? What the hell do I know anyway? Nothing of course.

Hmmmm

Picks

Kansas City @ Miami
Ah… Chiefs? I’m so glad I didn’t draft Tony Gonzalez. Woah that guy sucks this year.
Chiefs 24 Dolphins 13

Detroit @ Cleveland
Yuck. Browns I guess
Browns 20 Lions 13

Indianapolis @ Houston
What the hell is going on here? We have two weeks of really decent matchups and now we have this crap?
Colts 31 Texans 12

New Orleans @ St. Louis
For the love of god, 0-4 already, NFL
Rams 28 Saints 24

Pittsburgh @ Cincinnati
Finally, a decent game. Actually this seems like an excellent match up with the Bengals being at home. Pittsburgh is awesome though.
Steelers 24 Bengals 23

San Diego @ Philadelphia
Yeah, this is what I’m talking about. Another damn good game. Unfortunatly LT will run all over the Eagles.
LT 34 Eagles 17

San Francisco @ Washington
Bwahahahahaah I hope Santana gets 250 yards receiving. That and Portis getting a touchdown for once this year.
Redskins 35 49ers 24

Dallas @ Seattle
Hmmm yeah I like this one as well. Sean Alexander Vs. the Cowboys defense. Sean wins.
Sean 24 Cowboys 13

Baltimore @ Chicago
BLAAHAWHWAHAHAHAHAH *cleans up leftover vomit on lips* BLP…BLAABP BLBBBBLAAAWAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHBLAHBLAHBLAH.
Ravens 6 Bears 3

Buffalo @ Oakland
I’m gonna have to say Raiders because the Bills QB absolutely sucks.
Raiders 31 Bills 17

Denver @ NY Giants
Eli needs to throw some more interceptions for me in this game. Perhaps some stupid throws to the sidelines that gets taken the other way.
Broncos 28 Giants 27

Tennessee @ Arizona
Ugh, back on the crap wagon. I don’t know, Titans I guess.
Titans 24 Cardinals 20

NY Jets @ Atlanta
Yuck, Falcons and get done with it already.
Falcons 28 Jets 10

Green Bay @ Minnesota
*head in hands* This is what it’s come down to. How the hell could two 1-4 teams seem so different? One report said it best when they said that the loser of this game should probably get together and shoot themselves. If the Vikings lose they’ll be 1-5 and had just got beaten by the Packers. If the Packers lose, they just got beaten by the dysfunctional Vikings.
Then, how will the home crowd react to the Vikings? Actually, there may be more Packer fans at this game with how bad things have gotten. This is definitely the ugliest game of the week.

Now if I’m going to be honest, objective, and realistic I-and I can’t believe I’m saying this-have to say that the Packers may not only win but spank the hell out of this team in the dome. These two teams were playing against each other in the playoffs last January and now here they are, arguably the two worst teams in the league. God damn it, it really pains me to write this but…
Packers 34 Vikings 17

For the love of god guys, prove me wrong.

chart to come later...


Week 7
EricHannesAliecat46,XYBoof
Kansas City @ Miami
Dolphins
Chiefs
Chiefs
Chiefs
Chiefs
Indianapolis@ Houston
Texans
Colts
Colts
Colts
Colts
Pittsburgh @ Cincinnati
Bengals
Bengals
Steelers
Bengals
Steelers
Detroit @ Cleveland
Browns
Browns
Browns
Browns
Browns
San Francisco @ Washington
Redskins
Redskins
Redskins
Redskins
Redskins
New Orleans @ St. Louis
Rams
Rams
Rams
Rams
Rams
San Diego @ Philadelphia
Eagles
Eagles
Eagles
Chargers
Chargers
Dallas @ Seattle
Seakawks
Cowboys
Cowboys
Cowboys
Cowboys
Tennessee @ Arizona
Cards
Titans
Cards
Cards
Titans
Denver @ NY Giants
Giants
Broncos
Broncos
Giants
Broncos
Baltimore @ Chicago
Bears
Bears
Ravens
Ravens
Ravens
Buffalo @ Oakland
Raiders
Bills
Bills
Bills
Raiders
NY Jets @ Atlanta
Falcons
Falcons
Falcons
Falcons
Falcons
Green Bay @ Minnesota
Vikings(?)
Packers
Packers
Packers
Packers
Last Week(7-7)(10-4)(0-14)(9-5)(9-5)
Overall(42-46)(51-37)(28-60)(26-62)(49-39)

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Genuine Quick Bits

Once divided. Nothing left to subtract.
Some words when spoken can't be taken back.
Walks on his own with thoughts he can't help thinking.
Future's above, but in the past he's slow and sinking.


-My Dad works at the same place I work at and the day after eye surgery everyone looked at me and asked me how it went. I’m thinking my pop either sent out a lengthy email or told everyone he knew of my surgery. He totally sucks at the computer so I doubt he sent an email. I totally appreciate the concern but I am more concerned about how fast the word spreads and who told them. I took the day before off for undisclosed reasons (for the surgery) and I never told anyone at work here about said surgery. For those that know me, that’s where I get my ‘rumor pit’ mouth from.

-Dairy Queen pumpkin pie blizzards are awesome. Except don’t buy the large because that’s too much pumpkin pie goodness. The blizzard works a lot like pies in that you can only have a couple pieces before the pie starts to work against you. God damn deceiving pie.

-As I was driving up to the DQ drive through, I noticed that the breeze was just right and the air so cool enough that I could easily notice my exhaust fumes coming directly into the drive thru window at DQ. The bastard side in me wants to laugh at all that CO entering DQ but that’s just wrong. Instead, I’m simply going to vow to never work at that DQ.

-A long time school chum called me up the other night and told me about her job, life, and generally how things were going. She told a work story that had something to do with her “office” meaning desk inside four walls. I asked her about this and sure enough she even has a lock on her door. I couldn’t listen to the rest of the story because I was so god damn jealous. Not that my job requires an office and not that I couldn’t find an abandoned office here, but damn, wouldn’t it be cool? I would, however, feel way too much at home in an office because I can imagine myself getting up from my computer and making a loud and obnoxious stretch while scratching my chest on and hourly basis. Then I would probably stop over to my neighboring office and do the ‘ask for a cup of sugar’ joke for the 8,000 time and laugh for five minutes as I make my way back to my office.
I’m just too immature for an office. I can’t even handle a desk with my “intricate filing system”.

-As I mentioned in yesterdays comments, I bought Bryan Adams’ new Anthology CD which was super cheap (big surprize). One of the selling points of the CD is that he sings “When You’re Gone” with Pamela Anderson. Pamela needs to stick to doing more of the cleavage and showing her boobies thing and less of the singing parts. For those that dislike Bryan Adams (I know there may be a few of you) this may be a song worth listening based on the likelihood that songs can only get better in general.

-The “Betty” made an appearance at the gym the other day. I was heading out (pardon the terrible pun) and she was entering. She’s still got it. Oh yeah baby she still does.

- Due to these artificial tears that I need to constantly insert into my eyes I always turn a corner with residual tears streaking down my face. So someone will approach me about someone and start talking to me like normal. Once I turn around and they see those tears and my eyes fully moistened, they automatically assume that I was crying, so they start talking empathetically towards me saying things really quiet and slow. My automatic reaction, to reassure them that I’m not emotional, is to talk loud and overly happy. Basically the conversation ends with the other peson thinking that I’m some crazy meth-head or something.

-Twins and Hunter have been in the midst of rumors about a possible trade. Even the New York newspapers have been talking about the though of Hunter being in Yankee pinstripes next year. One possible offer would be Robinson Cano for Hunter straight up. I would do that in a second. Hunter is highly overrated and not worth the $10 million that a team like the Twins would pay. He’s one of the best outfielders in the game but he sucks offensively. Some people argue that he’s the heart and soul of this team, well, lets not put him on the same level that Kirby Puckett was on. He’s definitely a leader but I doubt he’s going to single handedly bring and championships our way and I just don’t think he’s worth the money.

-How the hell can Ashlee simpson still have a “career’? How the hell would SNL even think about bringing her back? At least Bryan Adams doesn’t lip sync.

-Whatever happens in baseball I hope that the White Sox lose the series. They’re just not supposed to win.

-I remember when my Mom would make me dress up to go to church when I was younger. I would argue my contention about how dressing up was “not my style” and therefore totally fake. Such an argument fell on deaf ears and I would reluctantly pull over my Cosby sweater over my buttoned up shirt and tie. I understood the whole “respect Jesus” thing, but I really hated going to church and dressing up thus, I would always try to find something to complain about.
It seems very ironic that athletes in their 30’s are currently making this same argument and claiming racism with such an argument.

-I know I would be bitching too though if I was basketball players because knowing me (and I do know myself) I would probably be wearing my “Dirty Sanchez” shirt everyday with my typical jeans. Yeah, I would totally ask for more money and I would whine and cry just like I did to my mommy fifteen years ago.

-I actually corrected myself on that last sentence by changing “fifteen” from “ten” because… well I’m afraid you all (3 of you) wouldn’t respect me as much. Now you should respect me more for my honesty, right?

-I just demanded respect. Hmmm.

-I’m celebrating my birthday at the German bar on Saturday. As much as I tell myself that I wont get fucked up, I can feel the inevitable will happen. They give you 1 liter steins of hardcore German beer! You need two hands to hold the stein! Then the boot. How can you not drink out of the boot if it’s given to you? There’s already too many drunk pictures of me floating around.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

If I Could Create a Band

Well c'mon everybody and let's get together tonight
I got some money in my jeans and I'm really gonna spend it right
Been a-doin' my homework all week long
now the house is empty the folks are gone
Ooo C'mon everybody

Here’s my dream band (dead or alive)

Percussion: John Bonham (Led Zeppelin)
For the backbone of my band I need someone that has been proven to be an innovator in drumming both on and off the stage. Listen to anything Zeppelin has done live, listen to any album (especially the first) and you’ll know what I mean. “When the Levee Breaks” and “Moby Dick” are the two songs I would recommend. I wanted to select Keith Moon but that guy was too crazy. John Bonham is comparable to Moon in that sense, but at least he didn’t kill his chauffer.

Rhythm guitar/backup vocals/co-writer: Eddie Van Halen (Van Halen)
My favorite guitarist. EVH has traditionally been credited with only mastering his two-hand tapping technique, but if that’s all you hear you’re missing a great deal. EVH is spectacular in rhythm guitar it’s just that his rhythm is always covered behind the “WHOOS” and screaming of Sammy Hagar or the other crap that DLR. This guy could play anything he wanted on guitar and play it well. The two-hand tapping is cool but don’t do it in every damn song. In my band EVH will mostly be the secondary guitarist and help fill in on long, extended solo jam sessions. He’ll also help out singing back up vocals but never NOT lead.

Bass/co-writer: Jimmy Page (The Yardbirds)
He’s mostly credited being the creator behind Led Zeppelin, but before that he was in the Yardbirds as the bassist to Eric Clapton and Jeff Beck (how’s that for a lineup?). Because of his past bass work and the fact that I think any lead guitarist could easily play bass, Page will be the main bassist of my band. I would select an established bassist like Flea or Jeff Ament, or John Paul Jones, but I figure that Page could show EVH a thing or two about solo’s and perhaps drop the bass to wail away sometimes. Not to mention that I’ve been on a Led Zeppelin kick lately and to have a hypothetical band without Page is just not right. Plus, anyone that can come up with the stuff in “How the West Was Won” can probably come up with some sweet bass rifts.

Lead guitar/backup and lead vocals/co-writer: David Gilmour (Pink Floyd)
Eddie Van Halen can definitely give a great solo and Page is about a good as it gets, but for me it’s no one else than David Gilmour. Dave Mustaine said it best when he said that,
“Gilmour can do more with one note than most guitarists with an entire fret board.” and it seems to be true. Every solo he’s performed seem to be so simple and yet so beautiful. He’s also got a beautiful voice to match with his guitar playing. I’m willing to guess that working with Roger Waters and his lack of a voice only worked in Gilmour’s favor based on the easy comparison especially with a song like Comfortably Numb. Musically he can come up with fantastic albums and play a mean live guitar.

Visionary/main lyricist: Roger Waters (Pink Floyd)
How could I put Gilmour in my band and not put in Roger Waters? He’s the main architect behind most of Pink Floyd’s excellent concept albums and is phenomenal at metaphors and anything involved with an albums‘ focus. He definitely doesn’t have the voice and I believe he’s actually tone deaf, so he’s not going onstage with this band. I’m sure someone can piss off this guy enough that he can devote another whole album towards politics or some sort of social problem with some country in the world. He’s technically a bassist but it’s been rumored that David Gilmour performed most of the bass work for recording anyways.

Vocals: Rod Stewart
Okay hold on, hold on. Wait a minute and read this. Forget about anything he came out with in the 70’s…and 80’s…and 90’s--actually forget nearly everything he’s ever done and think about that voice. He’s got a great rock and roll voice it’s just that he’s never had the direction or the attitude to deliver rock music properly. He’s always had that mysterious other person helping him write songs and he’s always been the leader of being old pre-Madonna-type jackass singers.
Not in this band. Forget all the stupid dancing around, the weird gestures, and basically his whole stage presence because in this band he’s just going sing and be pissed off. Pissed off singers generally tend to be better and they don’t embarrass themselves by doing leg kicks and weird fucking dancing when they’re on stage. Nah, Rod’s just going to supply the voice of my band because he’s got a great voice. I was considering Robert Plant, but I don’t want my highly structured band to simply be Led Zeppelin. I was also thinking of John Fogerty, but I think he’s used up his three years of fame back in the late 60’s-early 70’s.

The band will mostly focus on all around rock music. Not the “rock” of today but hard nosed ‘drums-guitar-vocal’ type rock. The band will have a strong blues foundation and will not be afraid of changing it up a bit. Basically this will be Pearl Jam, Pink Floyd, Led Zeppelin, and U2 mixed together. Lots of jams will be included too. Lots of jams.

This band will rock you so hard that your face will break apart!

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Story time

And through the range finder over the hill
I saw the front line boys popping their pills
Sick of the mess they find
On their desert stage
And the bravery of being out of range


A completely fictional story by Boof

Plans were being made to winterize The Elena: Queen of Hearts by simply moving the paddlewheel boat down to Memphis for the winter. Captain Bill owned Elana and the sheer joy of leaving the cold for the winter was refreshing and exhilarating just for the change of scenery alone.
“I hear the winter is supposed to be warmer than usual this year.” said lil’ Billy, Captain Bill’s only grandson of 13.
“Well Billy, sometimes Grandpa just needs to get the fuck outta here. It’s too fucking cold up here and grandpa and grandma can’t take it.” replied Bill in his typical blunt manner. Cap’n Bill never cared about being PC and he never cared about censorship. Whenever someone called him on his overuse of the word “fuck” he’d just reply with an excuse referring to his age or the fact that he’s been a captain on the river for 50 years. Not to mention he didn’t really give a fuck anyways.

“Grandpa Bill, we have some clients for next Tuesday!” said an old voice from the next room inside of their giant boat.
“Anyone we know of?” yelled Captain Bill.
“I don’t think so. It’s reserved under someone’s name and it’s sounds like it may be a family thing.” said the old woman from across the hall.

“Ooooh does that mean we can work at that party” Said an excited Lil’ Billy
“Darla and I can serve the food and Mom can serve the adult drinks and stuff!” Without any doubt Bill was going to ask for help from his willing and nearby family for this date. After all they were available and they worked cheap, which was the real reason why Bill wanted them to work at the party in the first place. If someone wanted to work for free, they'd get preference over his own family.

Come Tuesday everything was set. The alcohol was already delivered and on board, the decorations were set, and all the staff made up of family was ready for this group of fifty for an intimate time on the river.

At 6:30 limos start driving up to the main landing where huge 6’5 (and bigger) men lunged out of the limo with a comparably small 5’5 elegantly dressed woman at their side. There was something strange and familiar with these unusually big men approaching the Elena. Either this family had strage pituitary glands or it was simply an amazing coincidence that some of these guys were huge. Another set of limos arrived with some other men who weren’t as fat but certainly as tall or taller and they must have been part of the boat party as well.

One thing about everyone was that they were all very respectful and dressed very elegantly. All conversations seemed very respectful and no one raised a voice. It was almost as if it were a higher class of people all together.

Captain Bill and his daughter Wendy was waiting at the gate to help the passengers on board and his grand children were helping out preparing the food in the back kitchen.

Once everyone was on the boat Wendy would be sure that everyone had a chance to serve everyone who wanted a quick glass of Champaign or a brandy. Once again, everyone was very respectful and showing a manners of high class citizens. Over the PA system Captain Bill welcomes everyone and announces that The Elena is departing from dock. Everyone responds with delightful applause and quickly proceeds to the side of the boat to witness the massive boat leaving the dock.

The kids were now offering finger foods to the clients and again, everyone was very friendly to lil’ Billy and his sister by giving them generous tips and easy smiles. Once the party seemed to be in control the kids and Wendy decided to check up on Captain Bill who was still controlling the boat against the forceful Mississippi current.

“How the hell is everything going back there?” yelled Bill
“Fine, these are a great group of people. They tip well and they are well behaved. I almost think this is the best group we’ve had.”

Just after that word a loud muffled,
“LET’S GET THIS SHIT STARTED Y’ALL!” by someone in the back and immediately everyone started getting loud and applauding.
“WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?” shouted Cap’t Bill
“I don’t know, let me check up on them. Kid’s, wait here for a second.” said Wendy

Wendy didn’t suspect anything wrong, probably just someone pulling a prank or giving someone an unusual toast or something. Wendy headed back to the gallery where the noise never seemed to stop. There was also loud music coming from the back. “What the hell is happening” thought Wendy.

As Wendy turned the corner to the gallery a thick scent engulfed her nose. “Whoah” muttered Wendy as she immediately tried to protect her nose from the thick scent of whatever it is. This scent was framiliar to Wendy, but she just couldn’t remember. “What is it? Oh. My. God.” she just remembered. It was the thick scent of sex she had be engulfed with. Sure enough the small intamate party had turned into a giant free-for-all and half of the guests were without shirts (including the women without their tops) and things were beyond anyone’s control.

“What’s going on Mom? What’s that smell?” Wendy turned around and there was ‘lil Billy just about to come and see this huge inferno of a party around the corner.

“BILLY! You have to go back to Grandpa right away! I’ll handle it, but please go back and wait until I get back!” Wendy said sternly.
“What the living fuck is going on here?” from what sounded like a crotchety old man from around the corner.
“Dad! Go back to the wheel! I got this.”
“FUCK THAT, I want to see what the fuck is going on back here.”
“No dad don’t-” and sure enough he nearly stepped in the middle of a giant sex circus going on.

Right next to him there was a woman bent over to the mid section of a half clothed 6’10 huge beast man. Bill’s jaw dropped when a small man approached him with his arms shrugged and said,
“hehe IT IS WHAT IT IS! Bawahahahaha”

Then Bill turned to the other corner where a group of three guys were standing in a circle and looking down and tugging at their midsection. Across from them were ten other guys with fists full of cash watching with hoots and hollers as if there was a race going on. Again, Bill’s jaw continued to drop when that same small man seemed to be watching bill and seemed to pop up from the middle of the three men racing and again he said,
“hehe IT IS WHAT IT IS!”

Then in the other back corner there was a huge red headed guy standing on a chair who just had a torn up white shirt with dozens of women in front of him. He looked about the size of an NFL offensive lineman. With one swipe of his huge arm he managed to forcefully hit five of those women to the ground. As the women lay on the ground holding their jaw this man brought both fists to the sky and said,
“O’Doyle RULES!!!!” and he kept continued to swipe at the women. Again, the same small man seemed to drop down from the ceiling and he said his same sentence upside down,
“BWAHAHAH IT IS WHAT IT IS!”

As Capt Bill was looking around there was one other figure that seemed to stop and participate and move to the next area. This man would participate in everything and would also take his forearms and give them a rolling motion for some reason. He kept asking people,
“Hey, YALL GOT YO ROLL ON LIKE ME?” and everyone would just ignore him. He never stopped having his ‘roll on’ either.

On Bill’s shoulder he felt that someone had put their arm around him. It was that same man and he said,
“IT IS WHA--” Captain Bill then struck him in the face and he dropped to the floor.

Behind Bill was a man who grabbed his daughter’s hand and said,
“Hey baby, I’ll give you a toke of this if you lick my penis.” Bill reacted by grabbing his daughters hand and immediately running toward the pilot house to bring this boat back to the dock.

On came the bow thrusters to make an abrupt portside turn. The crowd reacted with a loud “WOAHHHHA” and quickly the Elena made a 180 turn on the otherwise peaceful river. With the engines cranked and the current on their side they quickly sped down the river towards the dock.

The Elena made a startling entry to its’ slip where the dock shook throughout the club. Furiously Bill came to the back gallery where everyone was.
“GET THE FUCK OFF MY BOAT!” he yelled. Everyone then filed off and tried to smooth things over but Captain Bill didn’t-if you will- give a fuck. Finally there were two people from the party left, a man and a woman. The man was doubled over in the corner with his pants down.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” asked Bill.
“My lady wanted to give me a good time and then the boat turned. My lady was jolted back on my Johnson and reacted by “holding on” if you will.

Again, Bill didn’t care and flipped him and his female friend over the railing and into the river.

Now there was a messed up floor with-god know what- all over. Wendy tried to comfort her kids with a big hug and shielding their eyes. Bill went into the janitorial closet to grab some WD-40, bleach, and gasoline. He missed the three up in a large bucket and poured it all over the messy gallery floor.

“Okay, everyone up in front. I’m burning this fucker clean” everyone then ran up to the pilot house and there was Bill with a book of matches and a quivering eye. He slid the match across the box and held the flicking flame in his hand…and dropped it.

WHOOOOSSHHHHHH
The whole floor went up being led by a blue flame and the whole gallery was on fire by means of the fluid. Bill then walked up to the pilot house and fired up the bow thrusters to leave the dock once again.

“What are you doing Dad?” asked Wendy
“I’m going to let that fucking fire burn off that fucking spooge and then I’m going to put it out. Fuck this fucking town, I’m going to Memphis. God damn fucking ‘it is what it is’ god damn fucker.

And he lived for the winter pissed off in Memphis.

Monday, October 17, 2005

A Minnesota Football Rant

And if you don't love me now
You will never love me again
I can still hear you saying
You would never break the chain

There’s way too much to bitch about in the topic of Minnesota football that I really need to organize a nice rant.

Gophers
So I’m lounging around the apartment on Saturday late-morning watching this game. At one point the gophers were up by ten points and running all over the Badgers. My buddies call me up and want to set up a football game, so I gotta do that since I haven’t played since May. At the end of the third quarter and after the two huge running plays by Maroney and Russel I figured, the game is more or less over. The Gopher defense was playing great, the Gopher running game is dominating, and they were up by ten with the ball at the start of the 4th quarter.

After playing football I come back to my computer and see a score of 38-34 with the Gophers wasting it away in the final seconds.
Typical. After a huge win the team follows it up with a stupid loss.

What really ticks me off is that the game is: yes, nationally televise and yes, they briefly mention that the Wisco/Minne game is the oldest rivalry in football but it never sinks in when anyone mentions that tidbit.
What I’m trying to get at is the Gopher football team has so much tradition that no one knows about because they never look back on their rich tradition.

For instance,
-Gophers have won more national championships than Alabama, FSU, Ohio St., Nebraska, Miami, and just as many as USC and Michigan.
-1934 team was considered to be the best team ever.
-U of M Head coach, Dr. Henry Williams was largely credited with establishing the forward pass in football
-Credited with founding the idea of having marching band halftime shows
-Credited with the use of cheerleaders for sporting events
-Minnesota/ Wisconsin is the oldest rivalry in college football and the third most played.
-19th all time in wins (keep in mind that the team has sucked for 40 years)

(Sources)http://www.collegefootballhistory.com/golden_gophers/history.htm
http://www.cfrc.com/

But you would never know that if you were a lukewarm fan of the program. Despite all that *rich* tradition, the program is a bit of a mockery and the university itself doesn’t seem to give a damn. This isn’t the reason why they suck, I put that blame on the past coaches and Glen Mason, but it could be established a little more.

So why is all that information so unknown? Why would a university somewhat ignore that history? I had season tickets (student season tickets= $40, no shit) and nowhere do you even notice anything resembling such tradition. Nowhere. Granted, the dome sucks ass, but good lord.

I don’t know, with all those troubles in recruiting by not having an on campus open air stadium (which is legit) the history could be pointed out to both recruits and fans.

Then the big rant…

Vikings
This is mostly concerned with that whole raging boat sex party they allegedly had last week.

Ok,

ARE YOU GUYS THAT FUCKING STUPID? Yeah, I can see how a group of underachieving guys could want to relax and a lake and -literally- fuck around, but god damn there are better ways to go through with it.

For example,

One Viking player (or representative) meets with a boat owner to gather information about renting a couple boats for a weekend.

Viking representative steps into the boat owner’s office.
Boat Owner (BO): Hello sir, how can I help you?
Viking Representative (VR) shakes hand and embraces BO: I’m great, I would like to talk to you about your rates for a boating party.
BO sits down with the VR: Absolutely, we have many boats of all sizes to rent out for all different types of get-togethers.
VR: Okay, well what I was thinking of is having roughly about 90 people with a bunch of members of the Minnesota Vikings football team…
BO pleasantly surprised by the though of Viking players interested in renting his boat because he‘s big Vikings fan himself: Sure, no problem
VR: …and we would have a few cocktails of course.
BO: Absolutely! I have plenty of waiters and waitresses for all your needs.
VR:…and there would be a lot of women
BO: yeah, no problem.
VR: Okay great, I think we’re on the same page here. Here’s what I’m envisioning now,
BO: by all means
VR: We all hop on board the boats where we eat some finger foods, drink some drinks, and start out having a great time.
BO: done
VR: Then we cast off at around 7pm…
BO: done
VR: Then the strippers take their tops off
BO: wuh?
VR: Then the football players start eating them out
BO stunned: guh?
VR: Stay with me here. Then, of course, there will be some old fashioned sex on the dance floor and a lot more of the sex orally.
BO: excuse me?
VR: and then the circle jerk, fetish room, and “limp biscuit-ing”.
BO stunned
VR: And do you know what a “freight train” is?
BO: Ok, what the hell are you talking about?
VR: Then at around 10pm we finish up, come back to the dock, and go home. What would something like that cost us?

BO: ah…hahaha well, a typical catered boat ride for 90 would be about $50,000, but this isn‘t a “typical“ boat ride now is it? Then the staff would need to be paid double time with such “extra” activities going on. Of course this isn’t a ‘normal’ boat ride so I’m going to tack on another $25,000 based on the activities. Then I would have to call a bio cleaning specialist to disinfect and clean my boats and that would take all day and a crew of 8, so that would be around $50,000 for the work, materials, and the waist. The whole thing will be a cool million if you are willing to pay that much.

VR: yeah I see, how bout we knock that down about-
BO: No, that’s non negotiable.

At that point, it would be cool, but it didn’t exactly go down like that.

I mean if you’re a player on that boat, knowing how well known you are and all the shit that has gone on with your franchise, wouldn’t you think a little bit before you start boat bangin in public? How the fuck could these players be this stupid?

What the hell is wrong with this franchise?

-Randy Moss gets traded for being an off field problem and then half the team has a giant raging sex party flotilla.
-Kelly Campbell is pulled over for having an illegal firearm
-Kevin Williams is arrested for domestic abuse
-Onterrio Smith is suspended for 4 games for substance abuse and then a year after he tested positive AGAIN later that year.
-Vikings address their lack of decent LB’s by…doing nothing.
-Vikings come into the season being potential super bowl picks and then 6 weeks later being arguably the worst team in the league
-Vikings let go of their offensive coordinator to the dolphins because… an assistant coach should not make more than the head coach
-Then the next offensive coordinator is also given the duty of offensive line coach in an effort to save money.
-Vikings back their way into the playoffs by losing 3 of the last 4 games of the season.

And that’s all I can think of. If you want to stretch that out for a decade, be my guest and make sure keep the novel in chapters.

Then for the game,
The game sucked but specifically one play just stumped me.

Two wide outs left with the TE being one of them and one wide out right. Culpepper takes three steps back and throws a near lateral to Wiggins where he catches it and get tackled right away.

This is nearly the same play that a QB throws to actual wide receivers when someone plays ten yards off and they can jook them at the line and gain ten yards. I’m not a huge football guru but I believe the play is designed as a quick, 3-step option in response to a huge defensive blitz. It’s designed for a talented receiver and NOT 260lbs Jermaine Wiggins.

Throwing to Wiggins in this situation is like throwing at a giant cement column from twenty feet away.
So…who in the god damn hell designed this fucking play? A quick pass to Wiggins? You gotta be kidding me. That’s one of the stupidest fucking plays I have ever seen. I think I saw that same play on a cell phone commercial and maybe out offensive consultant figured it would be good to attempt.

Good god.

I do have some good news though. I totally beat the living crap out of Hog’s team in fantasy football. Remember that analogy I made last week with my team being a guy being chained up in a giant castle (yeah, that one)? Well the dude broke the chains, single handedly destroyed the castle, bicycle kicked the fucker that chained him up, and made love to all the female peasants in the kingdom.
Yeah, it was that epic.

Tomorrow I have my big hypothetical “what happened” story from last week at the sex boat party.

Friday, October 14, 2005

President's Cup III: the Battle for Mediocre Mediocrity

I've been out there
Tried a little bit of everything
But it's all sex without love
I found the real thing is poundcake

[CUE: Top Gun guitar theme]

There comes a time in every man’s life where they feel constrained inside their own little world where one is never allowed to dream. The type of place where you’re chained up inside a large castle’s tower screaming for help and the crow looks at you like a damn fool. There’s no women, no wild crazy sex flotillas, not even a gas station sandwich. Hope is not in the vocabulary.
Then the next morning between the stones of that tall castle wall comes something that only happens once every blue moon. You wake up from those chains to realize it’s the faint glimmer of sunlight that struggles to catch your brow. This sunlight is the weak ray of mediocrity that I’ll be facing this week.

Because this weekend is…
(boom-ba-boom-ba-booooooooo)
The President’s Cup III: The battle for mediocre mediocrity

Al Michaels: Coming into this weekends suck-a-thon comes two teams that have seen better days with Hog’s Goodfellas and Boof’s “Frank M.”. The teams come into this weekend with a combined record of 0-9-1.
John Madden: buh huhuh yeah Al that’s, excuse my French, horse shit. I mean if you were to look at the word “horse shit” in the dictionary you’d find the loser of this ugly match between these two teams. Boom! Ace it the place for hardware.
Al: The only glimmer of hope between these two teams has been that tie that Hog’s team had over the real life “Frank M” and as for the team “Frank M”, there doesn’t seem to be any hope at all. Their claim to fame this year was in week 2 when they scored league weekend low of 24 points.
John: buh huh Yeah ah Mike-er Al the head coach of “Frank M”, Boof, is definitely in the midst of a controversial season ever since he lost that bid for presidency. Buh heh gah huh I mean right now “Frank M” is pretty much just a pile of Deer shit.
Al: These two coaches, Hog and Boof, as you may remember were running for President in 2004 when both campaigns stuffed their own ballots and then whined about the timing of when they did so. As the bickering went on they took their fighting in a more organized manner in fantasy football where both teams had their share of victory. This year though, they find themselves meeting in week 6 with winless records.
John: buh huh Yeah it got pretty ugly last year and neither of them were close to being president with a combined total of something like 25 votes. Heh buh huh These two teams are about as pathetic as they come.
Al: That’s right my fat, senile friend this match today will determine which team is pathetic and which team is slightly mediocre in the third President’s Cup


Anyway, last week… picks sucked.

Picks

Jacksonville @ Pittsburgh
I wanna see this game too. The NFC should just quit with there being like 6 teams like these in the AFC. I gotta go Steelers because they’re at home.
Steelers 27 Jags 13

Miami @ Tampa Bay
For some reason it seems like these two teams always seem to play each other. I don’t know why. Hmm I’m picking Miami because Tampa screwed things up for me last week. That’s right, a spite pick
Dolphins 17 Bucs 14

Cleveland @ Baltimore
Baltimore screwed it up for me last week as well. How the hell could Baltimore and their gang banger defense not kill Joey Harrington? I mean how the hell is that possible? I’m sorry Brian Billick can go screw himself for such a loss to Joey.
Browns 17 Ravens 10

Atlanta @ New Orleans
Perhaps the Falcons with that Shaub-or whatever- at quarterback isn’t that bad. I mean they made a pretty good game against the team that God couldn’t beat. My Dad last week commented about the Saints loss to the Packers (because he’s a lifelong Packer fan) about why the Saints wouldn’t be that good this year.

Boof: Well they don’t really have a home.
Dad laughing: haha I mean I thought they were supposed to be really good.
Boof: Dad, they literally don’t have a home. The Superdome was screwed up from that whole Katrina/Rita mess remember?
Dad: aahh, well it looks like the Pack is back right?
Boof: ah… no.

Falcons 45 Saints 10

NY Giants @ Dallas
It’s this god damn NFC East that’s screwing all my picks up. Is Dallas good or are they an up and comer? Is NY good or wittle bitty Eli gonna keep breastfeeding? I don’t have a clue.
Cowboys 31 Giants 16

Carolina @ Detroit
Joey’s gotta screw this up for me this week against my Carolina defense. I want him to throw 5 ints and two of them to go back for touchdowns.
Lions 24 Panthers 16

Cincinnati @ Tennessee
Tennessee is another one of those teams that I can’t figure out. Are they good or do they suck.
Bengals 28 Titans 24

Washington @ Kansas City
?????? No idea.
Chiefs 31 Redskins 27

New England @ Denver
I haven’t been paying attention to Denver at all this year. I figured they’d be sucking it up, but lone and behold they have a 4-1 record. I couldn’t believe it, so I picked up their defense thinking that it would be better than Arizona’s. It better be anyways.
Patriots 24 Broncos 17

NY Jets @ Buffalo
The Jets suck…and so does Buffalo. Buffalo is at home though.
Bills 20 Jets 13

San Diego @ Oakland
Bwahahaha the Vikings let go of Moss because he was too much of a distraction away from the field. Bwahahahahahahaha if that’s the case they should’ve kicked off half the team.
Chargers 42 Raiders 24

Houston @ Seattle
Sean Alexander runs all over Houston. And done
Alexander 28 Houston 17

St. Louis @ Indianapolis
Ok THIS has to be the game that the Colts break out of that defensive funk and throw 17 touchdowns and totally cram it down the Rams’ throats. Marc Bulger will have his typical 450 yards passing, garbage game too.
Colts 38 Rams 25

Minnesota @ Chicago
How the hell could I honestly pick the Vikings in this game. They have that big boat sex party under investigation and Tice is right in the middle of everything. Don’t even mention the fact that Tice said he didn’t know who was going to call the offensive plays (out of four different people)as of Wednesday. I really can’t give the Vikings that much of a chance. If they do win though , I bet they celebrate with a little boat trip on Lake Minnetonka. Or maybe not.
Bears 21 Vikings 9

Dissapointing, disappointing.

I didn’t win last week in picks and Hannes actually has me beat overall, but I can feel things are changing. Especially if no one sends in their picks. C’mon guys, you’re killing my Friday dealy-O.


Week 6
EricHannesAliecat46,XYBoof
Jacksonville @ Pittsburgh
Jaguars
Steelers

Steelers
Steelers
Miami @ Tampa Bay
Bucs
Dolphins

Dolphins
Dolphins
Cleveland @ Baltimore
Ravens
Ravens

Ravens
Browns
Atlanta @ New Orleans
Falcons
Falcons

Falcons
Falcons
NY Giants @ Dallas
Giants
Cowboys

Giants
Cowboys
Carolina @ Detroit
Panthers
Panthers

Panthers
Lions
Cincinnati @ Tennessee
Titans
Bengals

Bengals
Bengals
Washington @ Kansas City
Redskins
Chiefs

Chiefs
Chiefs
New England @ Denver
Patriots
Patriots

Patriots
Patriots
NY Jets @ Buffalo
Jets
Bills

Bills
Bills
San Diego @ Oakland
Chargers
Raiders

Chargers
Chargers
Houston @ Seattle
Texans
Seahawks

Seahawks
Seahawks
St. Louis @ Indianapolis
Rams
Colts

Colts
Colts
Minnesota @ Chicago
Bears
Bears

Vikings
Bears
Last Week(6-8)(8-6)(0-14)(4-10)(6-8)
Overall(35-39)(41-33)(28-46)(17-57)(40-34)