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Friday, December 29, 2006

Last Post of 2006

When you were young and on your own
How did it feel to be alone
I was always thinking of games that I was playing
Trying to make the best of my time

Yuck! My picks this year have really nose dived to severe mediocrity. I feel like Eli Manning on an off day or Barry Zito when his curve isn’t on or Joe Theisman.

Last week I went a putrid 7-8 and I blame that all on the damn parity of the NFL.

With that my total goes to 145-88

NY Giants @ Washington
The NFC should really give the top 3 teams a bye seeing all the candidates for the 6th seed. I suppose the Giants have something to play for and I suppose they wont try to screw it up, but they’ll find a way I’m sure.
Redskins 20 Giants 17

Atlanta @ Philadelphia
Jeff Garcia is the man and could be what the Eagles need for the playoffs.
Eagles 23 Falcons 6

Buffalo @ Baltimore
Ravens 15 Bills 3

Carolina @ New Orleans
Pretty much a preseason game but Carolina actually has something to play for. Pretty sad
Carolina 23 Saints 20

Cleveland @ Houston
I don’t know… who cares
Texans 27 Browns 14

Detroit @ Dallas
For some odd reason I can see the Lions being a huge spoiler here but ah--Matt Millen. If Matt Millen had nothing to do with this team, I might pick them but since he’s still with the team, no way.
Cowboys 24 Lions 17

Green Bay @ Chicago
The Packers actually have a shot at the playoffs.
Unbelievable. Oh and could the damn TV crews milk the Favre retiring anymore?
Packers 31 Bears 20

Jacksonville @ Kansas City
I think the Jaguars could easily beat any team in the NFC and here they are hoping to land a 6th seed in the AFC playoffs.
Jaguars 20 Chiefs17

Miami @ Indianapolis
I wonder if a running back--when running against the Colts-- dreams of frolicking through a sunlit field with birds and butterflies flying about? Then maybe a cute little squirrel hops along and soon that player realizes it’s dream and wants out because the dream took so long. Then the runner opens his eyes and he’s still running toward the end zone at the 20 from his team’s 10 yard line.
Indianapolis reminds me of the 2000 Vikings team in which they had a 11-2 record with a terrible defense. They then went on to lose the last 3 games and limp into the playoffs.
Colts 33 Dolphins 24

New England @ Tennessee
Whenever someone suggests that the Twins go back to their retro baby blue jerseys, they should take a look at the crap the Titans wear. How they even have those jerseys is beyond me but at least they’re winning. For that matter I would LOVE *LOVE* to see the Titans make the playoffs.
Titans 26 Patriots 24

Oakland @ NY Jets
Jets are weak. I’d actually be a little mad if they made the playoffs.
Jets 24 Raiders 13

Pittsburgh @ Cincinnati
I just don’t know what to think in this game. Clearly the Bengals need to win and are probably a little pissed off about last week’s flukey loss. However, I can see Pittsburgh being quite the thorn on the side.
Bengals 30 Steelers 20

Seattle @ Tampa
Seahawks 24 Bucs 14

Arizona @ San Diego
Cards 27 Chargers 17

San Francisco @ Denver
Broncos 31 49ers 20

St. Louis @ Minnesota
The Rams are actually playing for something and the Vikings suck. I can see the Rams passing all over the Vikings ass just like that annoying “greatest show on turf” crap that the media jammed down our throats 5 years ago. Basically Rams win this and the Vikings fan will end up booing the entire game.
Should be fun.
Rams 35 Vikings 17

Happy New Years everyone!

Thursday, December 28, 2006

Holiday Bits

Now somewhere in the distance
I feel a strange insistence
I long to be there once again

-I had the weirdest dream the other night. I was the President and I came into work in some dump hole abandoned building where there was a secret service guy next to refrigerator. I walked up and the man opens up the fridge and says,
“Would you like something to drink Mr. President?” to which I nod and take a look inside the fridge. There wasn’t much in the fridge other than half opened juice boxes and 16 ounce containers which had varying amounts of juice.

Then I woke up. I wonder what all that is supposed to mean?

-I think the dream came from me watching a marathon of season 5 of 24. I have to take the season back to the library and I’ve already renewed it twice so it was either watch it or wait some more.
I must say though, season five was cool but a bit predictable. It’s probably because I really didn’t care for that President Logan dude.

-It’s pretty sad when I need a can of pop at home. Because of that cool mini vending machine that I have I have to sit in front of the thing (since it’s on the floor of my room), dig into the cutesy little pink pouch that holds these fake token things, place the token in the cutesy coin deal, and then select my pop (which is two selection of regular coke). It’s like I’m partaking in a kiddy tea party but luckily no one is there to watch me because I still think it’s awesome as hell. I actually get kinda giddy when the pop comes out.

-My mom makes it a point now that I make my own stuffing for important meals. I believe she thinks that I secretly hate the stuff and that I’m just trying to eat it for comedic leverage. Therefore, she makes me make a huge amount of stuffing and then gloats when there’s a ton of stuffing left because no one in my family likes it. So now I have a ton of leftover stuffing that I need to eat which isn’t a bad thing.

-I have noticed that the term “soil” is added onto phrases that are trying to emphasize effect. Like “Worst tragedy on US Soil…” or “terrible attack on US soil” or “The biggest ice cream caper on US soil since…” and it’s always to emphasize the bad things. Why don’t they use that on the good things like,
“This is the biggest hot dog ever on US soil” or
“I grew the biggest watermelon using US soil” or
“The most embarrassing moment on US soil”

I don’t know why that occurred to me but what the hell does soil have to do with anything? I keep thinking of soil horizons and B horizons and shit.

-Saturday we have our annual buddy Christmas party in which we all buy wacky gifts and then exchange them randomly. Last year I received a Hardees thick burger with a bite already taken out and I gave the Jones Soda Holiday gift pack which included turkey and gravy soda. I can’t help but remember the sight of the living room floor on the morning after: the burger thrown around the floor, bottles of Jones Soda scattered around, and torn apart diapers everywhere (someone actually bought diapers). It was a sight out of Pink Floyd’s The Wall.
This year I bought _______ and I think it’s an alright gift. I know I could’ve done better and I actually wouldn’t mind the gift but I don’t think you can go wrong with ______.

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Christmas '06

And so this is Christmas
I hope you have fun
The near and the dear ones
The old and the young

Christmas 2006 was not bad at all. I got some really good gifts, nothing bad happened (only a couple small annoyances, and it was all just a good time.

Now I understand that Christmas is all about giving and living in peach and all that jazz but my gifts this year were better than past years. I didn’t get that one gift where I wondered, “what the hell were they thinking”. I also didn’t get so irritated at my family that I snapped.

For instance my dad usually gives me some Vikings merchandise that is on the clearance rack. Typically the stuff my dad gets me is so ugly that Goodwill wont even take it. This year he did the smart thing, he just gave me money and said, “get whatever you want.” which, I will admit, does lack creativity but I’ll never complain about receiving money.

Also, instead of receiving ceramic cows (like for my birthday) or a damn sponge holder, instead my mom quilted this really cool book cover made of material. Now this is really nice because I do understand that my mom worked hard for this and I completely appreciated it.

My bro bought me the exact thing I bought him, a gift certificate towards Best Buy. Basically we’ve flown the white flag and come to the conclusion that we have no idea what we would like. Now we could request something in the future but this has never been how my family has worked. I remember when I was 5 and my parents told me to circle the toys that I wanted. The result was 30 circles on every page and basically giving my parents the clue that they could get me anything.

The crazy part of Christmas this year was with my roommates. If you will remember, I was a little apprehensive on the whole roommate Christmas deal because, what does one buy for a 45 year old female?

My roommate already bought something for me and would give me these little giggles whenever she refered to it. I was thinking it was a giant blow up doll or something completely weird.

So my roommate and bj guy handed me the gift and wore wide eyed smiles as I unwrapped it. The box was about 3 feet by 14 inches and I had no clue as to what it was.
As it turns out, it was this cool looking mini vending machine to hold 12 cans of whatever and it even keeps it cold. This could’ve been one of the coolest gifts I've ever recieved.

I was then ready to have my roommate unwrap my piece of crap present but she gave me another gift. Surprised I opened it up and it was these coupons to 1) use the STD machine whenever I want. (I have to interject that this hot tub is indeed pretty cool. I actually tried it out). And 2) to have the house to myself on 4 different occasions.

Again I was surprised and felt guilty for my piece of crap gift. If you remember my roommate would say,
“you know, lets just keep the gifts down to maybe twenty dollars or something. No need to go crazy or anything.” So I figured that I wouldn’t. In fact I got her 2 dvd’s worth $25 so I figured I was going a little above and beyond my call of duty.

She then hands me another small gift. Now I’m just thinking that I’m going to be executed in about an hour because this was incredibly nice of them. This last gift was a $30 gift certificate to Buffalo Wild Wings.


They clearly spent about….$70-$80 on me and here I was awaiting them to open up their gift of….National Lampoons Christmas Vacation. I guess I don't feel too bad because, after all, I am helping her pay her mortgage so... screw that.

They opened the gift and seemed genuinely happy over the last episode of Will and Grace and Christmas Vacation which made feel good. So what I once thought was going to be some really embarrassing sex toy turned into a couple really cool things.

Friday, December 22, 2006

Pfew, Thank God

When tragedy befalls you
Don't let them bring you down
Love can cure your problem
You're so lucky I'm around

As it turns out, I didn’t get raped but I did see and hear a bunch of stuff I didn’t really need to so….
Stay tuned.

Last week I went 9-6 so overall I’m 138-80 (ugh)

Kansas City @ Oakland
The sad thing is, I bet the Chiefs could rock the house in the NFC.
Chiefs 24 Raiders 21

Baltimore @ Pittsburgh
I also believe that Pittsburgh would do some huge damage as well
Ravens 20 Steelers 6

Carolina @ Atlanta
The stupid Panthers should just forfeit the next couple games with the collective egg they’ve laid this year. Pfff, they were supposed to go to the Superbowl.

Chicago @ Detroit
Matt Millen…bwahahahhahahahaha
Bears 20 Lions 17

Indianapolis @ Houston
Ah but the Texans can run though…Might be an interesting game.
Colts 38 Texans 24

New England @ Jacksonville
Hmmm Jacksonville is tough at home but the Patriots have the power of God behind them so…I’m going Jags at home
Jaguars 20 Patriots 14

New Orleans @ NY Giants
The Saints kinda suck on the road and the Giants kinda suck.
Giants 27 Saints 20

Tampa @ Cleveland
AFC deal seemed to work last week. I think I went 4-1 or something by picking all AFC teams.
Browns 17 Bucs 13

Tennessee @ Buffalo
Ugh… Buffalo ends up screwing me every god damn week but Tennesee does too. I gotta go Titans because right now they just can’t lose.
Titans 23 Bills 20

Washington @ St. Louis
Hmmm wow
Rams 27 Redskins 17

Arizona @ San Francisco
don’t care
49ers 30 Cards 23

Cincinnati @ Denver
Yeah, this is what I’m talking about. Not much to say though.
Broncos 28 Bengals 21

San Diego @ Seattle
AFC/NFC deal
Chargers 30 Seahawks 20

Philadelphia @ Dallas
Cowboys 23 Eagles 20

NY Jets @ Miami
I don’t know… Miami I guess
Dolphins 24 Jets 21

Have a Merry Christmas everyone!!

Thursday, December 21, 2006

I'm Gonna Get Raped

Tell what's wrong with having a little faith
In what you're feelin in your heart
And why must we be so afraid
And always so far apart

-Back in the day
Remember back in the day you would listen to the radio and hear that one awesome song. Such a song would give you chills and you would instantly have to punch everyone in the room just to get them to shut up. Such a song would be played at miscellaneous times throughout the day but you never had the chance to hear it without buying the cassette or purchasing one of those stupid cassette singles. Well those stupid cassette singles were only at places like Musicland where the damn layout was catering for 14 year old girls. Another way would be to dust off your jam box, use one of those awesome blank cassettes, and keep your fingers planted on the “record” and “play” buttons for that one song to play.

Now in the internet age, one can find any song they want with itunes or trading or myspace so basically blank tapes are not around anymore.

I actually found myself in a 1992 situation of wanting, needing a certain song but having no opportunity to download it. The song was dangled in front of me back in June and now I wanted/needed this song. Through my extensive research the only way to acquire this song was to purchase this UK import of an album that I already have which cost about $20. After debating it for months, I decided to buy the fucking import and now I have that song on a continuous loop.

If only I had a jambox….and a blank tape…and if they played this particular song on the radio.

-I finally figured out what to get my roommate for Christmas. My 45 year old female roommate was rubbing it in that she already bought my gift and that she was wondering where hers was. After thinking, debating, and pondering the question I finally settled on the Final Episode of Will and Grace and National Lampoons Christmas Vacation for her gift. I was going to get her the 5th season of Will and Grace but that was about $40 and I wasn’t going to spend $40 on her gift.
I figured that the Will and Grace deal would be something she would probably like. As for the Christmas Vacation I figured that everyone and their mother loves that movie because I mean, who doesn’t? I’m sure Osama Bin Laden is in a cave somewhere laughing his ass off and watching that movie.
“Bwahahahhahahah he kicked baby Jesus! Praise be to Allah!”

-I also found out that I may get raped tonight too. Basically I wrapped up the gift and bj guy and the roommate were talking about how we’re going to go out and celebrate. Ugh fucking great.
They also said how they’re probably going to need a taxi to take us all home. Ugh now I gotta get plastered with them.
So I figure this is going to happen, they buy me drinks, they get me really really drunk, then they take me to my room and bj guy bites off my scrotum and does so with,
“HA! How do you like it!”

-I wonder how Carmelo Anthony is going to try to regain some street cred. I wonder if he’ll try to beat the crap out of some suburban Denver yuppie or a bridge operator or something.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

185 Wings

But we are not snakes and what's more
We never will be
And if we stay swimming here forever we will
Never be free

Every week me and my closest friends have a typical Sunday of going to Buffalo Wild Wings (BW3) and watching football. We’re all in fantasy football together, we (at least I) like to rub it in when my guys score, and they serve us food. One of the biggest reasons why we go there is because they have nearly every NFL game on at the same time so you might see 5 people at a table all looking up in various directions.

Another reason why we went is something that just happened when we were there during week 2. About 4 of us were watching the Vikings squeak one out against Carolina when the Vikings actually scored a touchdown. Us, donning our Vikings jerseys, cheered and immediately focused on whatever other game we were watching. Suddenly this dorky looking Ben Stiller character came to our table to hand out these cards.

“What is this about?” Someone asked.
“Well, whenever the Vikings score a touchdown and someone is wearing a Vikings jersey, you get free wings.” Said the manager

We all looked at our cards which said “6 free wings” written in pen on the back of the card and immediately thought, ‘Sweet! Free Wings!’ and just before we were going to cash in someone said,
“You know, since we come here every Sunday to watch the Vikings and there really is no limitations to whatever he scribbled on the back of these cards, lets just have a wing party at the end of the year!”

And it was at that point that we looked forward to this undecided date in December (because one of the cards actually did have an expiration date of 12/28/06 or something).

Every week we would bore ourselves to death watching that miserable Vikings offense, every week we would use our collective heroic efforts to stay awake, and every week we would constantly bug those waitresses for refills or ask them to change the stupid Texans/Titans game for another game more interesting all for the dream of having a wing party kept our dream alive. When the manager didn’t bring us our coupons, we asked for them and became insane bitches about it.
“Ah dude, Vikings scored a garbage touchdown.” one would ask.
“Alright, hold on.”
We would also bring in old Vikings jerseys for buddies that didn’t have any just so we could get more free wings.

Finally on Saturday the dream came true. We had to wait for a table and as we were waiting we were giggling and joking around because we had collected enough cards to grant us 185 free wings. We joked that the Ben Stiller-like manager would reverse that dumb grin for a huge frown or that he may break down crying. After all, we had nearly $100 in free wings and we could just see that manager say,
“Ah, awww hell naw!” leaving us pissed off.

We sat down and the waitress immediately focused on our stack of cards and she tried to ignore them.
“I’ll handle these cards later ah I’ll get you some drinks first though.” and we ordered our drinks with sinister laughs. In no time the dorky looking manager came up and saw our stack of cards.
“haha ahhhh, I don’t think we can give you all these right away so we might have to work something out.” said the uneasy manager.
“Well, we could simply start out with a hundred wings and go from there.” said Raymond, a statement that has probably rarely been said before.

Between the six of us, we managed to eat all 185 free wings of various sauces and we conquered BW3’s.

One Crap

But darling, I wish you well
On your way to the wishing well
Swinging off of those gates of hell
But I can tell how hard you're trying

Crap List

1. Carmelo Anthony

I have always disliked Carmelo Anthony but I don’t know exactly why. Could it be because he’s a ball hog? Could it be because I just don’t care for his style of play? Or could it be because he friggen punches someone and then runs the hell away?
Lately it’s the latter because, come on, what a pathetic move. HA! He comes out of nowhere with the sucker punch and then he starts backpedaling so fast that he turned into a blur. It had to be one of the weakest things I have seen since…probably another basketball fight.

They should’ve just let them brawl because that would be a hell of a lot more entertaining than that 30 point blowout. Not to mention that watching guys with insanely unique pituitary glands waving their gangly arms and pulling their jerseys is kinda humorous in my opinion.

Then there’s the coaches that pretty much do anything in their power to calm their players down. I’ve seen Jeff Van Gundy wrap his arms and legs around someone’s legs, someone threw themselves into a punch, and last Saturday someone just decided to throw a notebook at the scene. Of course none of that does anything because the coaches are sometimes 4’10 or someone doesn’t realize the coach took the punch or the notebook was…just a pathetic attempt to stop a fight.

Another thing, I hope all of the Carmelo Anthony followers learn to sucker punch someone and then run like hell like he did because it looks so pathetic and it makes anyone else that knows how to fight, beat them. I wonder if he screamed like a bitch when he decided to head out of dodge.

The way I see it he could’ve either been a damn role model and simply resist the urge to fight (not to mention how much he means to his team) or he could’ve just started stompin’ people with no regard. At least with the latter he’d have been more of a man instead of backing out like he did.

I guess that’s all that’s buggin me lately.

Friday, December 15, 2006

I'm Gonna Sleep for Forever and then a Day

Just so scared all the time
Makes one more reason why
The world is so dangerous

Last week I went 10-5 and that’s with picking the Vikings to beat a Matt Millen led team. Ron was right, I am an idiot.

Overall I’m 129-75 so…eh, what are ya gonna do?

Dallas @ Atlanta
Knowing the style of the NFC, Dallas will probably lose this game and the next 3 just to keep people guessing. Meanwhile a team like St. Louis would probably win out and squeak in a playoff birth. I’m beginning to think that parity is kinda lame. I’m going with my gut.
Falcons 31 Cowboys 23

Cleveland @ Baltimore
At least the teams in the AFC are somewhat consistent. Whenever one team looks like it will win, they usually do.
Ravens 23 Browns 3

Detroit @ Green Bay
The Lions really suck but I’m torn because Matt Millen being the GM is almost 2 easy wins for the Vikes and it keeps Millen away from the announcer’s booth.
Packers 20 Lions 7

Houston @ New England
I say all that about how trusting the AFC teams are and then the Pats throw that crap against the Dolphins. I don’t think they could lose to Houston but we’ll see
Pats 31 Texans 10

Jacksonville @ Tennessee
Last week Jacksonville was playing like this game I like to play, Run and Gun, where if you run it all game, you can rack up the yards and deke everyone out. It as ridiculously easy.
Jaguars 31 Titans 27

Miami @ Buffalo
Buffalo always throws a big god damn hammer in all my picks. For some reason they find the power of Greyskull and will a win from nowhere. Miami, on the other hand, has really looked good for some reason.
Dolphins 20 Bills 17

Philadelphia @ NY Giants
I just don’t know about this game. It seems like the Eagles are a team that is all about being a spoiler and it’s that whole NFC parity crap thing again.
Eagles 23 Giants 20

Pittsburgh @ Carolina
Talk about a couple of crappy underachieving teams. AFC/NFC rule applies here.
Steelers 27 Panthers 13

Tampa @ Chicago
I believe that Chicago is this years 2005 Seahawks in that they are a product of a terrible division and are just getting lucky. Still, they’re going to win this game though.
Bears 34 Bucs 17

Washington @ New Orleans
Ah the Saints, the only team you can really count on in the NFC. I seriously think Drew Brees is the MVP though despite the two thousand touchdowns that LT has. Brees could make a good receiver out of me I bet.
Saints 31 Redskins 10

Denver @ Arizona
Ooooh I smell a Cards upset here but it’s another AFC/NFC matchup…
Broncos 28 Cards 24

Kansas City @ San Diego
I’m wondering if SD will give LT a little rest since he’s been the entire Chargers offense. Even so I can see the charger defense winning this one alone
Chargers 24 Chiefs 10

St. Louis @ Oakland
Pffff who cares
Raiders 24 Rams 21

Cincinnati @ Indianapolis
How fucking awful is that Indy run defense? OJ could easily run through that defense at his age even if he was in a white bronco. Teams that can’t stop the run really do kinda suck though. Cincinnati has something to play for and I can see the Bengals two-headed Johnson winning an a huge shootout
Bengals 38 Colts 35

NY Jets @ Minnesota
The Vikings defense has actually been doing all the work but that offense is just so crappy. I can actually see the Vikings winning this game though. Ahhh but AFC/NFC….. I said I would never pick an NFC team when going against AFC teams so….I gotta do it.
Jets 35 Vikings 18

Have a good weekend everyone.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Sweet Land Bits

Cause in the peaceful hour, the quiet spell
Seduced by the promise of bliss,
we soon forget that nothing's happened yet
We're living for moments like this

-In case you’re interested in a indy movie go see Sweet Land which is around theatres. Sweet Land is based during the WWI era where a mail order bride from Germany comes to Walker County, Minnesota and tries to fit in. The setting was wonderful in open fields and blue skies in rural Minnesota. It’s even got a quirky Minnesota feel to it with the mannerisms that the characters have.

-While watching that movie I kinda figured out why farm people had so many god damn kids back then. See imagine yourself literally living in the middle of nowhere--and you only want one kid? That kid would be bored out of their mind and not to mention he’d have a whole farms worth of work to do (and that’s if their parents were lazy)
So would I want to be an only kid living hundreds of acres away from the nearest other kid? Hell no. At least with a crap load of kids there would be something to do with fighting and tag and what not.

-And it continues Vernon Wells 7 years $126M???? Good god!

-yesterday I had the privilege of having 5 stranger come in my room and simply listen for an undisclosed amount of time. Apparently the landlord and our neighbors in the middle of a neighborhood fight and now the association is involved. The hot tub, of course, is the center of all the attention and the neighbors have complained that it’s too loud which is bullshit. Anyway the landlord is one pissing match away from not being allowed to have said hot tub. So the drama continues.

-I can’t remember if I mentioned this earlier but my roommate and I are exchanging gifts just because…we live together. So I am thrown for a loop on what to get her. I mean what the hell do you buy for a 45 year old female roommate? Popcorn tin maybe? I don’t fucking know.

-I think I have figured out a nice tip for my mini diet: don’t eat so damn much. I found that eating a little bit one day shrinks up the stomach and so when I chomp down on those jo-jo’s the next day, I can’t even eat all of them. That and yogurt, apple sauce, jello, and water. mmmm

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Old School Games

It's alright to be wrong
All we need's a little time
But nothing here can last that long

I have a confession to make.

I have been a huge fan of the old school games from Nintendo to the arcade games. Everything from Rad Racer to Final Fight (I loved beating the crap out of that car) to even Joust (that bird game that you just couldn't figure out).

Still I have never ever really liked Pac Man or Ms. Pac Man or any of those games. I know, I know “there was no classic 80’s game than Pac Man!” is what you’re shouting to your screen right now. Believe me, I know I actually had it on my Atari…whateveryoucallit 4000 and my dad loved playing it.

Now whenever my dad actually decided to sit down with us, instead of me and my bro fighting over the controllers (and biting them) we would instantly give it to our dad so he could play. It was a thing of beauty because suddenly me and my bro were not fighting but both watching our dad.

Pac Man was my dad’s game and even at that age, I still didn’t see what the big deal was. I mean you got this, what looks to be a, wheel of cheese chomping down these nuggets and that is fun? Then there’s those blinky deals that turn those ghosts into edible creatures which makes no sense whatsoever. Why does a big wheel of cheese eat ghosts?

Speaking of which, what the hell is Pac Man supposed to be? What is the story behind “Pac Man” and especially “Ms. Pac Man” because was regular Pac Man too busy working and paying off the mortgage while the misses goes out and chomps on nuggets? I just never understood that.

I guess my biggest qualm with the game is that is didn’t require the use of buttons. Basically that was half the fun in arcade games because you typically have one button that shoots and a 2nd button that is used for the Nuclear bomb of sorts and can wipe out the board. Without those buttons all you have is one joy stick that you push, pull, and rock around which always seems kind of awkward. Playing Pac Man seems like a crazy form of masturbation. Ugh..

But yeah I’ve always been in those conversations where we discuss the old school video games where everyone gets excited and wants to bust out the old school Nintendo.
“Dude, remember Punch out! ‘body blow-body blow’ haha”
“Dude, Double fuckin Dragon! Oh that was at the mall!”

And I could hold my own until that one person said,
“Wait guys, guys, Pac. Man! Huh that’s the end all, say all in 80’s arcade games!” and I would be like…
“Uh remember that Ghouls and Ghosts? I kinda thought that was pretty phat!

Monday, December 11, 2006

Parents and Computers...ugh

And yesterday I saw you standing by the river,
And weren't those tears that filled your eyes,
And all the fish that lay in dirty water dying,
Had they got you hypnotized?

I would like to announce that I finally beat Jim in fantasy football. I don’t think I’ve beat him in like ten years or so. At least that’s the last time I remember… if I remember correctly.

Crap List
This week, the crap list begins and ends with me shopping for computers with my parents.

1. Parents and helping them buy a computer
My parents have finally decided their ‘97 Micron PC with Windows 98 and dial up was a little too old and now they finally want an up to date one. So I know a little bit about computers after shopping for mine but I can just see the bastard at Best Buy talking them into buying Monster cables, if nothing else, but just in case they decide to buy a surround sound system.

So I ventured into BB with them and it was painful.

See, it all starts with the word “cable”. “Cable” means many things: Cable TV for one, Cable modem, and cables as in “coaxial cable” and there in lies the frustration.

“So we hook up the wireless router from the Cable modem? But we have cable in three places.” My mom will say.

“No, not cable TV, Cable modem. Tim has one in the basement so we hook it up to that.” I reply

“Okay but why would a wireless router use a wire?” My dad will then say

“ugh, because it’s got to be hooked up to the cable modem.”

“So we’re going to need a cable for the cable router?”

“NO! you’re going to need a cable for the wireless router and it needs a certain cable to hook up the router from the cable modem. Er wait… BAAAAAH”

“So does this computer come with Windows 98?”

“No, Windows 98 is now Windows XP which is better”

“But if we want Windows 98 we can get it right?”


So with all this talk my parents were just getting more confused and at one point, my dad just sat on the floor and started pouting. It was just a great experience all around.

The moral of the story: Never help anyone.

Friday, December 08, 2006

So Boring

Many have I loved
Many times been bitten
Many times I've gazed along the open road.

Last week I was soooooo close to getting that Indianapolis upset goin. I was sooo damn close. I even predicted that it could be an upset game!

Either way Last week my AFC/NFL scheme was a blasted Denver defensive play away from going 4-0 but instead I’ll settle for 3-1.

I went 7-8 last week for a grand total of 119-70

Atlanta @ Tampa Bay
The really sad thing is that the stupid Falcons are still in playoff contention and could probably host a game if they decide they want to catch some balls.
Falcons 24 Bucs 9

Baltimore @ Kansas City
Oooooh hmmm I dunno. You know what? I’m gonna go KC just because it’s in KC and they’re historically damn good there.
Chiefs 30 Ravens 13

Buffalo @ NY Jets
Did the Jets luck out this year or what? Their remaining schedule is ridiculously easy and yes, they do play the Vikings.
Jets 20 Bills 17

Indianapolis @ Jacksonville
I’m gonna do it this time. I’m going to pick against the Colts in another bold move.
Jags 24 Colts 20

New England @ Miami
Not even Joey Harrington could beat the Pats. Bwahahahahha god, that sounds funny.
Pats 23 Dolphins 21

New Orleans @ Dallas
I see a huge shoot out going in this one. Like set two old barns together, side-by-side and watch them burn! I’ve always wanted to burn a barn.
Saints 38 Cowboys 35

NY Giants @ Carolina
Why does FOX follow around the stupid Giants of all teams? It’s just a blatant excuse to grab a big market and milk them for all it’s worth. I suppose it’s for the best because then Joe ‘you can tell that I’m an ass’ Buck wouldn’t be doing Vikings games.
Giants 24 Panthers 17

Oakland @ Cincinnati
This is the game, this is the game that I could see Cincinnati losing and then everyone jumps off the bandwagon and says the season is over. Then next week they win and everyone jumps back on.
Ugh, I just don’t have the balls though.
Bengals 30 Raiders 20

Philadelphia @ Washington
I’ve always thought these NFC east games were absolutely boring. This game seems like one of them too.
Eagles 27 Redskins 24

Tennessee @ Houston
Pfff I gotta go Titans because they could beat anyone right now.
Titans 27 Texans 10

Green Bay @ San Francisco
I can see the Packers having a little fun seeing as it’s above 20 in San Francisco.
Packers 24 49ers 16

Seattle @ Arizona
Pffff please
Seahawks 38 Cards 24

Denver @ San Diego
I don’t think Denver has a chance with their freefall and being on the road. God damn, it seems as if Denver has played on Sunday night the past 8 weeks.
Chargers 28 Broncos 14

Chicago @ St. Louis
I really don’t think Chicago is that good. I just think they’re the product of being in a super duper easy division in a super duper easy conference. Still St. Louis sucks too.
Bears 17 Cards 13

Minnesota @ Detroit
Uuuughhhh this should be pretty much the most boring game in the history of the world. I’m even debating in skipping out on buffalo wild wings and having free wings. It’s so painful to watch this Vikings team. I can hear dogs howling whenever the Vikings are on offense. Sadly, I’m going to pick the Lions because they can throw.
Lions 24 Vikings 9

I don’t even care anymore. I don’t like watching this team.

Good weekends everyone

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Ladies and Gentlemen: I got it!

Oh lie
I thought you were golden
I thought you were wise
Caught you returning
To the house you caught fire

-Season 5 of 24 came out a couple days ago and I at least wanted to get my name on the list. I tried to put my name in the reserve list the day before it came out but the online library checkout deal wouldn’t let me.
The problem with simply putting your name on the list is that you might be 144th in line to check out whatever you want to watch. For instance I’m number 147 in line for V for Vendetta which means that if there’s 146 people waiting for that movie, and they all get a week each to see it, It’ll be 2009 before I get to see it. Still, I gotta put my name on the list just to amuse myself.
So I didn’t want to wait until 2009 to see god damn season 5.

I checked the library website and noticed that season 5 was “on shelf” so I went to the gym (where the library is also at) and I decided to stop in the library. Like a magic jewel, there season 5 was all newly packaged and ready for someone to check it out. Apparently I was the first one to check it out. Pfff 2009.

So the addiction begins.

-How in the god damn hell did Boston end up signing JD friggen Drew for 5 years and $70M… ?? I guess my small market ways just can not figure this one out. What the hell has JD Drew done to get $70 million?

-I just got done with a head cold and I must say, head colds are sooooo much better than whatever the hell I had back in January and even back in September. This head cold was like twisting your ankle and limping around for a couple days except that ankles don’t require snot rags. Actually I was having some amazingly efficient snot blowing adventures. There was none of that “blow your nose but it’s still plugged crap”. In fact, one time I needed three Kleenex’s just to unload my nose.

-I have now realized that Rocky III, IV,V, and probably VI all have generally the same plot.

The C-clamp Caper

Hey fellas, have you heard the news?
You know that Annie's back in town?
It won't take long just watch and see how the fellas lay their money down.

I recently remembered one decent story from shop class back in middle school. So with out further addai (or whatever) I’m going ot dazzle you with it.

The time I pranked the teacher.

1994 shop class

Shop class for 8th grade was fabulous. It was pretty much a homeroom for 13-14 year old boys to which there were plenty of expensive tools around. Basically you take a bunch of kids that finally have some alone time from girls and they all just go nuts and want to break things and destroy things as creatively and elaborately as they can.

Teaching this class was Wayne. No one called him the traditional Mr. whoever because he was the only teacher of his kind. Wayne probably shouldn’t have been teaching because it was clear he could teach one person but not a classroom full of 30 kids. Wayne was very attentive to what he was doing but noticeably inattentive everywhere else. Needless to say you could probably murder a kid and he wouldn’t know until his broom was stuck on a blunt carcass.

The kind of stunts performed in this class were memorable. I remember when Beef purposely jammed a piece of wood in the drill press and weighed down the bit until the room was covered in smoke. I remember when someone took the nail gun and jammed a nail right through the air hose (this was as mad as I’ve seen Wayne). I also vividly remember when G stole Wayne’s grade book. I specifically remember when someone threw an actual throwing star and it was millimeters away from slicing my neck during his wind up. And of course the time when I took my friend’s shovel after he got an A on it, sanded off the A, and then gave Wayne the same shovel and got a B for it. I wanted to complain but I’m always satisfied with a B.

Anyway during homeroom this particular period me and some other kids were discussing what we could get away with in that class.
“You could probably start a bonfire in the back” one said
“nah, it wouldn’t work because the sprinklers might turn on and someone might start the fire alarm”

“hmmm how bout taking apart the drill press”

“nah, that’s too complicated”

Then the best idea came up

“What if someone sold Wayne his own tools?” And immediately we all just pensively rubbed our chins and thought about it. The pensive look turned into wide eyed smiles.
“That just might work!” I exclaimed and the idea just grew from there.

So now comes shop class and the students are literally out and about causing trouble. The C-clamps were my tool of choice because who pays attention to C-clamps? I told a friend K about this and naturally they were like,
“Dude, do it. That would be so damn awesome!”

So I had to do it now. The audience was growing and I wanted to see if I could get some money from Wayne so I went for it.

I took two C-clamps from the shelf (one was clearly marked “property of …school”) and I approached Wayne.

“Hey Wayne, my dad works at (company) and he can get tools for really cheap. Here, he got these C-clamps and I would be willing to sell them to you for two bucks each.” I didn’t actually think it was going to work and on top of all that, my friend who I told my scheme to, was telling Wayne what my plan was.
“Don’t do it, he’s scamming you! Those are your own C-clamps!” said my EX-friend K.

I thought I was foiled of my plan but Wayne pulled his wallet out and grabbed $4 out.

“nah, this is a really good deal and if he brings in more, I’m gladly going to pay him the money. Thank you so much!” I couldn’t believe it. K was as astonished as I was because Wayne just bought his own tools from me!

Word quickly spread around and I stopped my pranks because nothing was going to top me selling a teacher their own tools in class no less. Nothing.

Nowadays I really feel bad for the teacher. I feel like I took advantage of an idiot and I later found out he was down on his luck. Therefore I plan on donating four dollars to the salvation army just to make me feel better.

Thanks Wayne!

Tuesday, December 05, 2006


Thinking how it used to be,
Does she still remember times like these?
To think of us again?
And I do.

I hate the BCS so I decided I’d try to have a working debate for each team and their reasoning to play Ohio State in the championship game.

Michigan had the better loss.
Ugh I absolutely hate it when people say something like “better loss” because it sounds so futile. Unfortunately the BCS does factor in the quality of loss (I believe) and if you want consider this then yes, losing to the best team in the country is better than losing to the 8th best. I think that’s grasping for straws whenever a team compares their loss record but whatever. I mean how pathetic is it when you have to compare losses to see who the better team is?

Florida had a tougher schedule
Florida had to play Arkansas twice, a bad Georgia team, Tennessee, Alabama, and FSU, and LSU to deal with while Michigan had…a joke of a Notre Dame team and Wisconsin which really isn’t much. Hell, I don’t even consider Notre Dame a top 25 team, so clearly Florida wins the schedule battle.
The thing is, strength of schedule is so much depending on luck anyway because if you play what is believed to be a damn good team and it turns out they suck. Well, you’re shit outta luck then.
For this argument, if you believe in Michigan then you fail to mention Boise State, who did manage a better record than Michigan, but they didn’t have the schedule to compete with anyone. Basically if Boise State has any dream of winning everything, then they might as well pack up and not play or go down a division just so they have a chance.

Michigan lost their chance when they played OSU
Ah… no, this is purely coincidence that the best team in the country is in the same conference and happen to be the main rival. Michigan did go to the horseshoe and give OSU a good game but it was a rivalry game in Columbus. As far as I’m concerned this was hardly the national championship game but more about pride and the Big Ten title. If the roles were reversed and Auburn ended up being the OSU this year, Florida would feel the same way.
I honestly don’t consider this to be more than Michigan losing to the #1 team then losing their chance. If they lost their chance then Florida lost their chance when they lost to Auburn. This isn’t boxing.

Basically I feel both Michigan and Florida (and I think Boise State ) should all have a chance at a national title. Reading what I just wrote, my bias is definitely coming out because I am a decent Big Ten backer and--sorry Steph--I’ve always hated Florida. Haha I’m sorry it just bugs me when someone with a huge southern accent says “gators”. It’s just like nails on a chalkboard to me.

But I really want Boise State to get in there somewhere. I hope to god Boise St. beats OK just so they can play and beat someone good and keep people guessing. Oh but since they’re not in the sexy conferences then they’re nothing but a mosquito way out west in flyover territory. Pfff whatever.

Monday, December 04, 2006

Turn Down the Thermostat

Ah, is there room for both of us?
Both of us apart?

Are we bound out of obligation?
Is that all we've got?

First off, I gotta write 6 weird things about me..

1. I eat systematically… yeah yeah yeah

2. I don’t like peanut butter but I like peanuts

3. I always have to open the blinds because I have this crazy fear that time will stand still and I’ll be stuck in a room with out being able to look outside.

4. I don’t know if I can fill up 6...

5. I love music dvds…. ????

6. My apartment smells of rich mahogany? Idunno?

On to the real stuff.

Crap List

1. Heat
Friday night I come home to pop in a movie and around 4am I get up and half my bed sticks onto my back. I noticed that it was sweltering out so after a little swearing I decided to check the thermostat. When it’s 10 degrees outside and you’re complaining about the heat, then something is definitely wrong.

76 it read. Actually it said the current temperature was 75 and it was trying to work it’s way up to 76.


I once heard of a woman who would set her thermostat at 76 and then I basically stopped listening to anything she said. I figured that anyone that would waste that much money and is that much of a freeze baby has to be insane. I didn’t think anyone else was that nutz but boy was I wrong.

At 76 you might as well turn the furnace off and light the living room floor on fire because it’s just that insane.

If I was to turn the temperature up that high at my parents house, my dad would hang me in the backyard and then complain about wasting brand new rope.

2. Fifty cent cheap cola?
I went to Cub and they now sell the cheap ass, brand X cans of pop for fifty damn cents. Who do they think they are? Who the hell is going to buy Thunder Cola for fifty cents? God damn bastards. Why the hell do I know this?

Friday, December 01, 2006

'Cause we've been moving so fast
Seems life is flying past
Can we make this moment last
I wanna remember

I forgot all about that Cincy Baltimore game

Anyway, last week I went 12-4 and my process of picking all the AFC teams when they play NFC teams worked so I’m going to do that again.

So overall I’m 112-62

Arizona @ St. Louis
That’s gotta be a major blow to Denny’s ego when he takes an offense like that and runs it to the ground.
Rams 24 Cards 21

Atlanta @ Washington
Ugh… the Falcons have shown some clear signs that they really suck and I think Washington can stick it to them…by winning.
Redskins 17 Falcons 6

Dallas @ NY Giants
There’s no way I’m picking the Giants with that screwed up team and them playing TONOROMO. How the hell do you give up 24 points to the damn Titans?
Cowboys 27 Giants 20

Detroit @ New England
AFC and Detroit sucks
Patriots 30 Lions 10

Indianapolis @ Tennessee
This is the classic upset game right here. Colts just had a huge game in which Manning had one arm tied to his back and he just gave the ball to Addia the whole time (haha Hog had him on his bench…bwahaha) I gotta say colts because I don’t have the balls to pick the Titans.
Colts 27 Titans 17

Jacksonville @ Miami
Also, as a rule of thumb, never trust the Jags on the road. So I’m picking Miami
Dolphins 24 Jags 21

Kansas City @ Cleveland
I bet if Cleveland was in the NFC they’d probably go to the playoffs.
Chiefs 31 Browns 17

NY Jets @ Green Bay
AFC again…. J.E.T.S jets jets jets….
Jets 24 Packers 13

San Diego @ Buffalo
I can’t believe the Chargers had that hard of a time against the damn Raiders. The whole thing makes me sketchy especially with the Chargers being up in Buffalo. That reminds me, if the people in Buffalo can withstand an outdoor stadium then why are all these pussies worried about an outdoor Twins stadium?
Chargers 23 Bills 17

San Francisco @ New Orleans
Brees cuts through that defense…or someone will
Saints 34 49ers 20

Tampa @ Pittsburgh
AFC again…
Steelers 35 Bucs 13

Houston @ Oakland
Ugh… yuck send this one to hell
Raiders 20 Texans 10

Seattle @ Denver
AFC again…
Broncos 27 Seahawks 23

Carolina @ Philadelphia
If the Panthers don’t win this then they don’t deserve to be in the playoffs.
Panthers 23 Eagles 16

Minnesota @ Chicago
Nope, no upset here. The bears just overpower the ugly Vikings defense. That’s about it.
Bears 23 Vikings 3

Ugh prove me wrong so we can get some free wings.

Thursday, November 30, 2006

Five Bits

But the lie goes creepin down down down
But we were sleeping
Suddenly we hit the ground

-I want to thank everyone for emails and comments for the healthy recipes and ideas. Perhaps I’ll go out and buy a whole pallet load of chicken and Tabasco sauce. Yogurt has also been my friend recently.

-MLB hall of fame voting is coming into the news and my feelings on Mark McGuire is that he SHOULDN’T go in until he admits something. Like Pete Rose, all McGuire has to do is have some sort of a tearful goodbye along with spilling everything that he did (and not necessarily what everyone else did) and the sportswriters and fans will be giving him a collective BJ in his garage of happiness.
The thing McGuire has going for him is his character (and that he’s white…kidding, kidding kinda) and everyone remembers how nice of a guy he was.
With that being said a lot of people use the “well, it wasn’t illegal at the time so what exactly did he do wrong?” and if that’s true then why doesn’t he use that excuse and point the gun back on Selig? I mean it seems like an honest response and I would think it would take the heat off him. If he actually used steroids, then just fess up because everyone is treating him like he used them anyway.
Then you get voted in the hall based on the sympathy vote.

-Sugartits recommended this show awhile back and I agree, Man Vs. Wild is a completely awesome show. The dude’s gotta survive five days in some sort of wilderness area. While he’s trying to survive he’s giving out tips about survival in eating weird things around him. One of the coolest things I saw was he killed this rattlesnake and cooked it over an open fire. The snake looked sooooo damn good.
Another show I saw him spear this salmon and then eat it like an apple. That looked good too! It made me want to go fishing with a spear!

-How to tell if your athletic program has had better times:
When being in the big ten, your football and basketball teams almost and do lose to a AA team.
When your basketball team loses three in a row to: Marist, S. Illinois, and Montana in a tournament no less
When the teams that beat you win with a Minnesotan shooting and they were never recruited by Minnesota.

-Whenever someone says "douchebag" it's instantly funny. Douchebag has been added to the category where "crackwhore" and farting where it's funny everytime.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006


How could she say to me,
love will find a way.
Gather round all you clowns,
let me hear you say

I’m trying to start up a mini diet just to change my lifestyle a little bit. I guess the main thing is that I’m drinking waaaaay too much coke and I blame that on Buffalo Wild Wings and how they have all the different NFL games on Sunday…oh and the waitresses that seem to refill your glass of pop after every sip. Anyway I figure if I drink only 12 ounces of pop a day, that should cut my caloric intake by… 500 calories (or something).

The real problem I’m having is the eating right thing. Before this mini diet, I would eat whatever I’m hungry for (usually burgers, pizza, subs, anything with a lot of fat in it) and now that I’m trying my healthier foods deal, it’s kinda hard. The first real sign of problems was when I went out of my way to cook myself some rice and tuna…and ate it…and thought, “wow, that tastes like a whole lot of nothing. Because I didn’t satisfy my apatite, I feel like eating some more.” and I had that crave to eat more.

I have this desire to go to the grocery store and, like a vegan, actually but fruits and vegetables and other stuff with green leaves then I’d cook said items into a nice entrĂ©e, and then actually like it. See, after I usually stumble around and make the food, I’m always disappointed because it doesn’t taste like anything.

For instance, salad, to me it’s like eating paper until you put the dressing on there (the most fattening part of salad) and then it tastes like dressing on paper. What do I do to make it taste better without making it more fattening? And why should I feel compelled to buy organic paper, prepare it, and then make it into a nice Tupperware container for work? I know the obvious answer is “because I’d be eating right, dummy” but I need more than that and advice.

With that, does anyone know any easy, healthy recipes that taste good? Like popcorn and beef jerky are great because they’re low calorie and taste great. I need more things like beef jerky and popcorn and then I’ll buy pallet loads of the shit.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Cheese on Pie?

The mind is grey like the city.
Packing in and overgrown.
Love is deep. Dig it out.
Standing in a hole alone.

Thanksgiving ‘06, Wisconsin

We had a full table of family complete with Grandma, cousins, uncles, aunts, and the token weird people who I’ve never met (there’s always weird people that I’ve never met at Thanksgiving). We were all eating turkey and exchanging pleasantries when we got to the topic of dessert. Somehow, someway we got to apple pie when the following dialogue happened.

Aunt: Well, putting a slice of cheese onto apple pie was how Wisconsonites do things sometimes.
Boof chuckling: haha yeah I bet. Might as well put cheese on everything eh?
Aunt: I’m serious. Putting a slice of cheese on a slice of apple pie is a old time Wisconsin thing.
Boof: No. I refuse to believe that. There’s no way that is true.
Grandma: It is true. “A slice without cheese is like a kiss without a squeeze.” as we used to say.
Boof: Are. You. Serious?

And everyone was adamant that cheese on apple pie is something that does indeed happen.

I couldn’t believe it. It seems like every year these Wisconsonites surprise me with their Favre love and their bubbler talk, and now the cheese on apple pie nonsense. I mean I like apple pie and I like cheese but mixing the two is like “crossing the streams” and such a combination could be something found in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.

It just doesn’t make sense and to top it all off, you put the pie (with cheese already lain on top) in the microwave so it melts over the slice! If you were to enter my world of weirdness, I always think of inside my body there’s this foreman enzyme who is in charge of whatever goes into my stomach. Periodically this foreman yells at his crew “MORE PIZZA COMING DOWN!!!” or “HE’S HAVING JO-JOS AGAIN, GET READY!” but if he was to see pie and cheese… “My god what the hell has he done now? He on an eating rampage and is mixing his pallets! Guy’s, today’s gonna be extra crappy!”

I told everyone I knew this whole cheese on pie thing and as we were drinking at the bar, we decided to try it. I figured that since Thanksgiving was over with, we could find a cheap apple pie at the grocery store. Hog then luckily had some leftover slices of American cheese so we were going to try this new concocktion of apple pie and cheese.

I either have (or will have) a video posted on my myspace page of me, Hog, and sweetcakes (my nickname for your gf Hog) trying pie with melted cheese on top.

Monday, November 27, 2006

November Crap

Well you're just another puppet
she's not even keeping score
And the lazy way she cheats you leaves me cold

I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving weekend.

Crap List
1. Old people and technology
Example 1: My dad got a new truck and with it comes a DVD player for the people sitting in the back. I think my parents are more excited for the DVD player than the truck because they made it a point to not drive home and watch their DVD (The Lone Ranger…old).
Now this DVD player has a screen and 5 buttons. Basically one would have to work hard to complicate things more than that. Of course my parents can’t figure out the damn thing.
Example 2: I got my dad Tivo for his birthday because he’s a on-the-go type of guy and people are always bugging him when he is watching tv so I figured if he could save his programs then he’d be much happier. Now I know I had my trouble with setting Tivo up, but I know I could easily figure it out. I mean they literally have a “thumbs up” button and a “thumbs down” button for whatever shows you like or dislike.
After I set up the Tivo and let my dad play around for a week I come back to him not even touching the damn thing.
“Why haven’t you fooled around with Tivo yet, Dad?”
“Well, to tell you the truth, I just can’t figure it out. I mean how do you record?”
“Well, there’s a button that says ‘record’ on it and you press that.”
“I don’t think it’s that easy.”
“Yes dad, it is.”

Going to my aunt’s place for Thanksgiving she had Tivo and my dad expressed his frustration with her.
“For as helpful as it could be, I wish it was easier to use.”
Aunt: “It’s actually not that bad. I mean just play around with it and you’ll understand it.”

And that really made me feel good because if a fellow baby boomer can tell him that then maybe it’ll sink in a little bit.

But really, how hard is it to “fool around” and start pressing buttons to become accustomed to technology? It’s like old people are afraid there’s some secret self destruct button and they’ll end up blowing up their hands in the process. And as for the DVD player, THERE’S A BUTTON WITH A PICTURE OF A MENU, SO IF YOU WANT TO GO TO THE MENU, PRESS THE GOD DAMN BUTTON! The button that has the arrow usually means play or skip. The manufacturers go out of their way to make these things retard proof so don’t prove them wrong please.

2. That one McDonalds commercial
There’s a commercial where McD’s is promoting their dollar menu and it takes place in someone’s house where the easy listening hip-hop is on and all the hotties are grinding it up. Then suddenly everyone’s holding a bag of Mickey D’s and they’re eating burgers and shit while bumpin in the house (or hizzy).
It seems like something I would come up with.
Then guys are hanging out by the door bobbin their heads and chomping into a cheeseburger and having a grand ole time.
I would love to do that. I would love to go to a killer pimpin club with a huge bag of Burger King and then dance away as I eat a couple double cheeseburgers. Then the ladies will be all over me for my bag of food but I’ll be like, “No bitch, this is my bag O’ food. Go get your own” and they’d be all over me wanting my food.
That would be awesome.

3. Notre Dame football
It’s still a joke that they’re in the top ten of college football. In fact, college football is a joke in itself when it has friggen computers determining the best team. But was it any surprise that Notre Dame sucks? They had a schedule about as easy as Minnesota’s non conference schedule (with exception to Cal) and wound up 10-1 facing USC. They almost lost to Michigan St. for Chrissakes!

I’m sure that a Notre Dame team could go 3-8 and still wind up in a bowl game because their Notre freakin Dame. Brady Quinn sucks too.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Bits, Picks, and Happy Thanksgiving

Who was only a stranger at home
Who was ground down in the end
Who was found dead on the phone
Who was dragged down by the stone

A ton to write about so here’s a bunch of everything

-Michael Richards
Woah, I honestly think he was in the middle of three things: 1) trying to show the heckler a lesson 2) completely cracking 3) showing a subconscious racist side to himself. I think the blow up is more shocking than the racial outbursts (and not by much either) I mean seeing a guy completely crack on stage is quite the weird thing.

I did find one person who found it funny. My Mom, when talking about the incident, couldn’t help but to double over and try to explain it to me. It was one of those situations where you laugh because someone else finds something so ridiculously funny. She says,
“It’s funny because he’s calling everyone a n**** and there’s an audience full of black people! Bwahahahhahahahahah I mean who does that in front of that audience? Aaaahahahhahahaha”

Somehow I found that kinda funny.

Richard’s apology on the Late Show, I felt, was honest and a little weird for the type of venue. I mean has anyone ever seen Jerry Seinfeld and Michael Richards that serious? The audience didn’t even know how to react with Kramer being so serious. They laughed at parts and Seinfeld had to scold the audience (which is oddly funny). Plus he said “afro Americans” and that’s kind of funny coming from Kramer.

Although it is interesting how everyone that appeared on Seinfeld is completely type cast. From the Wiz to the soup Nazi to Puddy, everyone is known for their role on Seinfeld. They all are known better for their character name than their real name.

Although Kramer will forever be Stanley Spidowski or the Bow Tie Killer to me.

Being a huge Twins fan it may surprise you that I’ve always though that Jeter should be the MVP. With that saying I’m not going to argue with Justin Morneau winning the award. Here’s my reasoning.

You can’t compare the stats because they play two completely different positions and have two completely different roles in their line-up. Derek Jeter is a really really good table setter/base stealer/guy who will score runs for the heavy hitters coming up. Justin Morneau is a cleanup hitter batting 5th because they want to split up the Mauer and Morneau with a right handed hitter. Basically comparing stats is apple and oranges as far as I’m concerned.

But the one debate is how many games would their teams lose without them. No doubt that each team would lose more games but I would be willing to say the Yankees would lose more games because of the loss of the table setting role and the speed that Jeter brings not to mention his play at shortstop. See look at the White Sox, they had Thome, Konerko, and Dye all in a row and although you have a ton of power there is barely any speed in that part of the line up. Frank Thomas showed how many runs he can cost in game 1 of the ALDS whenever he was on base by almost getting thrown out at first from right field and not being able to score from 2nd (and yes I know he hit two solo shots). So without Jeter, I can see the Yankees just having a bunch of fat asses in Giambi, Abreu, Sheffield, Matsui and having no running game.

Where as the Twins would definitely struggle but I think they would find a couple (only a couple) more wins than the Yankees.

-With that being I have to argue with a lot of the sportswriters view that Morneau was the 3rd best player on the team. I admit he’s at least the 2nd best with Santana but he’s got the Cy Young anyway, which is a pretty damn good award in itself. Joe Mauer is the guy that everyone says is more valuable than Mauer and I have to disagree. Mauer is a better hitter but he doesn’t affect the lineup nearly as much as Morneau does. Just ask Michael Cuddyer (who had a phenomenal year with 100RBI’s, 100 Runs, .284 BA) who was transformed into a damn good hitter and Hunter who hit over 30HR despite missing a month. They were given good pitches because of Justin Morneau’s presence in the lineup. Morneau was that threat that the Twins always needed and the whole lineup had career years which were at least partly helped by Justin Morneau.

Mauer was indeed a great hitter and possibly even a better catcher but I doubt he had more of an effect on the lineup than Morneau had. Michael Redmond played almost twice a week in Mauer’s place and still batted .350.

So Justin Morneau is deserving of the award despite what a lot of others like to say. He’s just not a notable name yet.

-Growing up with my mom making the food for Thanksgiving I always wondered why she never made stuffing. All those years I had my eyes locked on to the mashed potatoes and gravy and it never occurred to me that we never had stuffing at our table.
I asked my mom about this the other day.

Mom with a scowl: ugh, stuffing. I hate stuffing. Just the texture and the other crap. Just…bleh. It’s like a bowl of puke and…yuck. Why?
Boof: Well, I was curious and I kinda like stuffing.
Mom stares at Boof in an incredulous look
Mom: WHAT?
Boof: Do you really hate it that much?
Mom nods
Both staring at each other: (blink:blink) HOW CAN YOU [NOT] LIKE STUFFING!?
Mom: You don’t like nuts but you like stuffing? What the hell?

Later on my dad comes in.
Boof: Did you know that Mom never made stuffing because she doesn’t like it?
Dad: yeah, that sounds about right
Boof: do you like stuffing?
Dad preoccupied hunched over the mail: nope
He then stops and looks back at me: Why? Do you?
Boof: well, yeah.
He then stops what he’s doing and steps in the living room: You like stuffing?
Mom: I know! I can’t believe it.

It was like a thanksgiving edition of “coming out of the closet”. I can’t believe they feel that passionately against stuffing. I wonder if my brother secretly likes the stuff as much as I do. They’d probably disown us.

After years of ignoring what isn't on the table and focusing on the mashed potatoes and gravy (I swear, if I should receive a big bowl of mashed potatoes and gravy for Christmas it would be the best Christmas ever).

So I need to put in my picks for this week since I’m not going to be able to come on until Friday and I’m busy on Friday. Here goes nothing.

Last week I went 8-8 because who the hell could’ve guessed that the damn Colts would lose and the Titans would beat the Eagles. I did manage to correctly guess the Redskins/Bucs score so that’s pretty cool.

Overall I’m 100-58

Miami over the Lions
Dallas over Tampa
Denver over KC because the Broncos have to be pissed after that Chargers game
Carolina beats Washington because the Redskins suck and the Panthers defense is coming around
New England beats Chicago because I will never go against a AFC team playing any NFC team
Cleveland beats Cincinnati because I the Browns have a good passing defense
Jets beat Houston
Buffalo beats Jacksonville
New Orleans beats Atlanta
Tennessee over the NY Giants NFC/AFC matchup (see above)
Indianapolis beats Philly because….NFC sucks and most notably the Eagles
Baltimore beats Pittsburgh
Rams beat the 49ers
Chargers over the Raiders (what a joke)
Seattle over the Packers
Arizona beats the Vikings because the Vikings are the most boring fucking team in the history of the god damn world. Their play calling is predictable and why the hell do they go for it on 4th and 1 at their on 30 yard line in the 2nd quarter? Good god. I can totally see Boldin and Leinert blowing up for 300 yards against this boring ass team

Happy Thanksgiving everyone