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Monday, January 30, 2006

Time to Crap

I hope you got this message. Oh, your not home.
I could be there in ten minutes, or so.
Oh, I got my things.
We'll make it up as we go along.
Oh, with you I could never be alone.

Before I get started with my organized bitching, I would like to invite yall to my friend’s “Myspace” band page. Feel free to listen and enquire about…things.

Crap List

1. People who leave their caps on during the national anthem
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not one of those crazy psychos that believes you should blindly ally with the president or else you’re “one of them”, but just take off your fucking cap please. There’s always those guys that will not even think about taking off their cap because their bald or they have ugly hat hair or something. In that case they deserve ridicule because of how self conscience they are.
Really, this isn’t middle school anymore and I doubt some sick son of a bitch will point and say,
“Look, that guy is dreadfully bald.” or
“Someone with hat hair like that should be hung in front of city hall.”

I mean we all don’t live in North Dakota. Bwahaha

2. Poker shows at 3am
Why I feel compelled to watch professional poker players at 3am is beyond me but I’m hooked. I’m constantly doing the “put yourself in his place” thing and trying to figure out what sort of smart remark I would give Phil Hellmuth if he would say anything.
So I watch poker all of last week and finally test my skills on Saturday night. Yeah, that totally didn’t work to my advantage and I pulled a Peyton Manning and lost right away in both games.

3. Hollywood’s refusal to bring in decent writers.
There’s a reason that the movie industry is going down the toilets. No, mp3’s have nothing to do with it, nor do bootlegging and home theatre systems.
The reason all movies suck is because the writing is beyond atrocious and it’s as obvious as Sarah Jessica Parker winning the Horse of the Year trophy. There used to be good movies all the time and the summer blockbusters were very good.
Now they bring out the Pacifier, Legally blond 2, Kangaroo Jack, anything with Paul Walker, and complete mindless action films.
Who the hell is going to pay $9 a ticket to see this crap? Do the directors and producers ever ask themselves that? How many sequals have to come out before someone important realizes that the Fast and the Furious is complete crap and car shows are usually cheaper (and more realistic) than that stupid crap? These are movies that are costing over $60 million to make and yet they have NO realistic or interesting story behind them.

Miss Congeniality 2? By releasing this movie you are taking away all of the male demographic and any woman who doesn’t go out of their way to buy pink clothing.

4. Superbowl commercials
Same thing goes for Superbowl commercials, bad writing. There used to be a time where the commercials were bigger than the game. People would actually watch a program for the commercials! It was a sales department dream and somehow it ended.

Pepsi: Thank you Pepsi with coming out with the most lame commercials ever. It seems that you can identify a Pepsi commercial within the first second with the over use of the color blue and some catchy song from the 60’s. Pepsi has struggled for years to come up with a catchy slogan to try and catch up with Coke and it has suffered. Pepsi, no cute kid, superstar, or athlete drinking a Pepsi is going to ever be worth the $2M you spend unless you hire someone who knows a shit.

McDonalds: same goes to you too. With your dependency in trying to be cute it just doesn’t work. Everyone knows you sell death burgers. All you really need to do is have a close up of a double cheeseburger. No characters, not even any writing. Just a juicy double cheeseburger is all you need to show.

Mastercard: the “priceless” thing is giving every non-funny person an easy ‘how-to’ joke. I stopped laughing 5 years ago when I saw the second commercial. Please, give us something new. You’re a credit card company so we know it wont be cute but just give us something other than “priceless”.


And that’s all I can think of right now.

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