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Monday, April 17, 2006

Crap on Pizza

Well I heard her on the wire
Oh Sweet Loretta, child
She hugs me sweet and low
And it's never let me go

After starting out the year 1-5 and facing the A’s and Yankees things looked bleak for the Twins. Somehow, someway they managed a 5-1 record against those teams and are now at .500 and a game out of first.

What’s more important though, is that the Yankees (payroll= $203M) lost to the Twins (Twins payroll<$203M) in two out of three games. There was that epic battle when the youngin, Scott Baker, struggled through a broken jock strap to hold the evil empire to 1 run off three hits for the win.
Then in Saturdays game (one of the best I have seen) the Morneau bailed out fellow Canadian Jesse Crain to win again.

Of course, the Twins and god damn Radke sucked ass in Sundays game but whatever…

Crap List

1. Rondell White

GOOD LORD!!! I thought our clean-up hitters in the past were bad but .085??? That’s just Sarah Jessica Parker type stuff. It’s amazing how the bottom of the order bails out White’s strike outs and routine ground outs. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve always liked White since he was with the Expos, but at what point does he stop being the clean-up hitter? PUT SOMEONE, ANYONE IN THE 4 SPOT EXCEPT WHITE!!!!!!! Put Castro in there with the way he’s been hitting (kidding). I know he’s going through a slump and he’ll still come back to hit .270 (or something) but please, put him in the 6 or 7 spot until then. There’s been WAY too many runners on with White up that I care to remember right now.

2. That gawd awful Holiday Western "Crackhouse Suites Inn" or whatever it was back in Chicago
I admit I spluged a bit when I went to Chicago. I figured the two day journey would be a great mini vacation and a reason to spend some money so I elected to go for a $80 room instead of a $50 room.
Now I wish I got a $50 room instead.

Now I’m not one of those people that constantly worry when they first walk into a hotel room and have the urge to shop at Spencer’s for a blacklight, I follow the “5 second rule” when eating, and I don’t care about hair in my soup. In fact, I’ve made a rice dinner, found a little worm in there, and continued eating the rice (what am I gonna do throw it away?). Furthermore, it would take the infamous “green potato chip” or sloppy diarrhea-esque dump in order for me to give up on Giordano’s pizza.

Waiter: Sir, here is your pizza but as you can see, there’s excrement on top of it. Though dry, it is still excrement. Your meal will not be charged and in fact, we’ll give you $20 to eat a slice.
Boof (studying the pizza carefully): hmmmm. Sir, instead of that $20 I’ll take a $20 gift certificate to your fine establishment and I’ll eat the pizza. Give me extra napkins, stat so I can place this excrement to the side. Thank you for your time.

Waiter (walking away stunned): No matter what I do, I cant get fired from here.

Yeah so I don’t complain at all but this room was making me think a little. For the record I didn’t see anything but it looked a lot like a room where the maids paint the dirt instead of cleaning it.
Perhaps it was the lady at the front desk who was no help. Let me explain,

So after the concert I wanted to grab a beverage out of the vending machines. I step out and suddenly remembered that my card key was still inside.
“clomp!” and I was locked out. No biggie, I’ll go to the front desk and ask for another.
At the front desk was this fat, lazy, bitch out of “Million Dollar Baby” who was reading her book.

Boof: “I locked myself out of my room. Can I get another key?”
Bitch: “You mean you don’t have a key?”
Boof: “ah…no I don’t have another key.”
Bitch: “Well alright, but you have to take better care.

Whatever, so I go to sleep and wake up with a severe urge for another beverage (see when I have pizza I wake up in the middle of the night craving some sort of carbonated beverage). I grab my original card key, grab a beverage, and tried my key. Nothing. At 5am I am now locked out of my room again.

So I walk back to the front desk in my 5am gear and deal with the lady again. 5am is not a good time to deal with me for I am not a morning person. At 5am I don’t have any cares about people’s feeling, no regard about patience, and I could care less about respect but I try. I try REALLY hard.

Boof: Yes my original key does not work anymore.
Bitch (looks up from her book and sighs): Sir, you cannot use your original key after you ask for another one.
Boof: Whatever. I don’t care. Just get me back in my room so I can sleep. Please.
Bitch: I told you to take better care--
Boof (sighing deeply and getting noticeably pissed off): Just get me the key.

From my point of view this was a woman who didn’t want to lift a finger.

Oh but that wasn’t it either. I haven’t told you about the ordeal that started it all.

When I checked in there was a very nice Ukrainian woman helping me out with everything. She sent a cab (paid for by the crackwhore inn) to take me to the Rosemont Theatre for the show. She even told me to call her back so she can send another cab to pick me up from the venue. Excellent!

So after the show I call up the front desk,
Boof: Yes this is (so and so) and I would like for a cab to pick me up.
Bitch: Ah, there are no cabs out there?
Boof: There are but I was told by the previous woman that you would call a cab for me.
Bitch: I’m sorry sir but she made a mistake and we don’t do that type of thing. I could write out a voucher but that’s not how we work things.
Boof: So what do you suggest I do?
Bitch: I would say to look for a cab.
Boof: Oh, thanks for your help *hang up*

Perhaps it wasn’t the room as much as it was that fat lazy bitch that set me off.

3. …And you went by yourself?
This was the response I got by numerous waitresses, cabdrivers, and my parents in regards to my trip to Chicago.
So…if you were you take 100 random people:
99 will know of the band Pink Floyd
40 may actually enjoy the band
20 will actually know who David Gilmour is
5 will actually be fans of Gilmour
2 may actually pay $100 for a ticket to his concert
0 will travel 6 hours to see him perform
0 will do so in the middle of the week
0 will actually take time off from work, rent a room, and pay for gas for such a trip

So why is it surprising that I went to Chicago alone to see David Gilmour? What am I supposed to do--not go to the concert because other people have self esteem issues that they can’t show up at a place alone? If I stopped myself of doing all the things I want to because of how others perceive of me I wouldn’t be doing anything.
Please, it was a concert I needed to see, was willing to jump through the hoops to see, and was willing to shell out the money to see. Unless the stars collided and someone else was in the same situation I was, I realize full well (and so should others) that this is a solo journey. I would love nothing more that for someone to experience the concert with, but that’s just not going to happen.

Hell, it’s hard enough to get people to see a Twins games when,
-they won 4 in a row
-playing against the Yankees
-Santana pitching
-playing against the crappiness of Jaret Wright

Let alone a concert in Chicago.

Tomorrow I have pics!

1 comment:

Eric Wormann said...

According to, the Yankees' payroll is only $198 million this year. You were waaaaayyyyy off.