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Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Indiana Boof

In this white wave
in this silence I believe I have seen you
in this white wave you are silent
You are breathing in this white wave
I am free

I must have been the worst kid to watch movies ever. When I was a kid my mom would take my brother and I to the movies when we were 4 and 6 respectively. We would look through the paper and pick out any movie with a “PG” rating because that’s all our mom would let us watch.

It was a win-win situation for all of us: my mom basically had 2 hours to take a nap and not have to deal with us and my brother and I would have something to do. While watching the movie the general thought process in my head would be,
He’s funny
She’s pretty
That line was funny because he said it funny
She likes him
They don’t like her because…they don’t
That guy got hit.

I was a moronic movie watcher because I didn’t know anything about plots, antagonists, sex, metaphors, foreshadowing ect. It almost makes me sick now when I watch a movie from my childhood. Here are some examples,

Back to the Future Trilogy:
-I never really grasped how much of a loser Marty’s father really was. I knew he was a nerd but I never really looked into that.
-I just figured that Doc was always at age 55 because he looks like he has gray hair in 1955 and in 1985. I think he was actually supposed to be portrayed as a 30 something (?) back in 1955.
-A Dolorean was indeed a weird choice for a time machine. When I was a kid I thought that was cool car and I wanted one!
-It really is disturbing how Marty’s mom had the hots for him. I knew this when I first watched but it never sunk in because I looked at them more like Michael J. Fox and Lea Thompson.

Terminator 2
-Jonathon actually thought of the Terminator as a father figure? Damn!
- I think Linda Hamilton was supposed to be the sexy actress in the movie.
-It never really occurred to me the mother/son dynamic of Sarah and Jonathon. When I was a kid I just watched it like “hey there’s the crazy psycho woman and there’s the kid she’s taking under her wing”.
-It’s kind of disheartening to know that the machines who take over the world in the future are the same machines that forgot to mention that the T-1000 is indestructible unless there’s a steel mill around. It could only be stupider if they sent the T-1000 to Pittsburgh.

Indiana Jones Trilogy
-Indy is a complete whore- I understand (to a great extent) why he took those women with him on his journey but why? Why would he want to share the glory with them? I kinda understand the woman in Raiders (because he did burn down her bar--whoops) but that’s it. Willy, from Temple of Doom, had no reason to come along with Indy and he should’ve left her whiney ass in Hong Kong.

Boof: I’m sorry but I got places to go everyone. Shorty, I just don’t have room for a kid with a high pitched voice who is very short. Willy I’m leaving you here in Hong Kong because you are a spoiled, whiney, annoying bitch. Good luck you two!
Willy: What are we supposed to do now?
Boof: pfff I dunno go screw yourselves. I’m gonna be rich bitch!
Willy: I hope you choke on a ham sandwich Indiana Boof!

Then with the Last Crusade, I’m surprised Jones Sr. didn’t just beat the living hell out of Indy for bringing that Austrian Nazi along with his quest for the knight’s shield. Think about it, Senior’s life long work and here comes his son (who he hasn’t seen in 20 years) and he brings along an Austrian hottie who ends up screwing his dad right in the ass.
-I’m also sure, as a professor, that Indy wrote a book about archaeology, made it a required book for his students to purchase for his class, and never referred to the book over the course of the semester. Thus guaranteeing a market for his book by forcing his students to buy it and lining his pockets just so he can buy another dodo skinned whip.

The there’s the swear word in the Transformers movie, the ghost in 3 Men and a Baby, and the dwarf that hangs himself in the Wizard of OZ.

Yeah now I gotta re-watch all the movies I enjoyed throughout my childhood because I never paid attention to the deeper issues.


Barry Metropolis said...

Terminator 2 wasn't PG. Hope you don't have to explain that one to your mother.

Boof said...

That was one of those movies where we were old enough and the person at the movie rental place was dumb enough to let us rent movies like T2 and Whore 3.

Shane said...

You know what is amazing, Boof, is that we wrote about Marty McFly on the same day. Your post made me laugh out loud, and I needed that today. Keep up the good work!