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Wednesday, May 10, 2006

A Possible Move

It's the American Dream I am disbelieving.
When the gas in my tank feels like money in the bank
I'm gonna blow it all this time, take me one last ride.
The lights of the city, they only look good when I'm speeding

It could very well be the end of my beloved balcony. Ever since the rent skyrocketed to full price a couple months ago I have been lazily looking for other alternatives. To me, the whole “american dream”* thing has worn off and now I got my sights on other goals. It’s not that I need to move out but there are better ways I can handle my income at this point.

I did look in the paper to find what appears to be a sweet deal. This place is actually a duplex that was build in 2002 with a whole lower level at my dispense and rent for only $375 which is a friggen steal.

So I figured I would go over my pros and cons

Pro: cheaper rent. Rent would be pretty much cut in half compared to the boofmahal that I’m currently staying in. Plus, this apartment isn’t as lock down safe as it would appear since I’ve already had my car “looked at”.
Con: I’d be living with the landlord…who is a woman…and is in her 40‘s. Hmmmm….
I’m not a stranger at living with women though. Back at the hizzy I lived with 2 women and another guy and the relationship between the two women was very weird. The two women (A and Cracky) would talk and talk and talk and blah blah blah… and the worrying and the problems and…the talking. H and I would pretty much say just as much with a slight nod either way or subtle shrug of ones shoulder--we were pretty much on the same wavelength if that is possible.

(tangent: So Cracky was going about her cracky ways by worrying about…oh anything in the kitchen and H and I were watching tv. Cracky starts meandering worrying out loud in the living room and goes off on something really crazy. H and I both looked at her, looked at each other, and then said-in unison- “get away from the tv!” or something to that notion. It was a classic roommate moment.)

So yeah the whole woman dynamic may be a problem. Especially in the bathroom where men and women have completely different opinions of what “clean” is. At this place I’ll have my own bathroom and if I’m going to try to please female landlord, I’m probably going to have to buy all new vanities and toilets every month just for a start. Women have an unnatural need for a pristine bathroom or a bathroom that will destroy gingivitis by simply walking in. If they could fill the space with bleach after every use, they probably would.

Where as guys…
A clean bathroom to guys is if there is no visible fecal matter anywhere. If there’s a big turd hidden behind the toilet, it’s still clean because the turd isn’t visible.
Then there’s the hair which women are deathly afraid of… If I was to form a couple words on the rim of the toilet with hair such as “Pooper dooper” women would probably throw up spontaneously for the next 30 years whereas guys would laugh spontaneously for those same 30 years. Also the idea of “upper deckers” is another one that guys love to talk about and that women dread as long as they live. If I was to leave an “upper decker” in the landlord’s thunder bucket, I’d probably be kicked out of the place right then and there.

So I suppose I’ll have to bring a pack of ty-vek suits so I can sterilize the bathroom ever Saturday.

Pro: It’s pretty much on a golf course. That’s right If I was to hang out in the back, I could watch all the local golfers worm burn the crap out of the beautiful course…and laugh at them! I could also sit in back with some tighty whities, get drunk, and yell obsenities at these guys. Also, I could sneak out there during a full moon and whack some balls and play some midnight golf or something. Maybe not though.

Con: Utilities--I pay utilities now but I don’t have to deal with heat or garbage or gas or water so I may have to pick that up too. The good thing is that it would be cut in half with the woman paying for all that stuff. Then there’s my utilities like HDTV and internet stuff which I don’t know if a woman would be down with or would help me pay for it. Again, I gotta find that out.

Pro: It’s only 3 miles away where I’m living right now and it’s still ridiculously close to work. I think I will be avoiding more stop lights by living here so that would be cool.

Con: It’s walking distance from a Best Buy (DOH!). So like a crack head, I could walk over to best buy whenever I get a crazy whim and buy the cd or dvd with the gateway drug (aka: rewards zone card) and waste away whatever money I saved by buying outright stupid things. I can just see myself buying the Rolling Stones 6 disk dvd box-set because I wanted to see how bad it really was. It’s all willpower I guess.

Pro: perhaps she’s got a hot daughter who’s out of the house who needs someone too…
Con: That’s just stupid.

There’s more but oh well. I gotta see the place first so we’ll see.

*My American dream was to just get a big-ass tv and watch it.


Anonymous said...

I am really worried about that one whack bonk, I can't remember that happening cracky meanders into the living room.... "The hostels of Austria

Boof said...

haha you may of had a bottle of Boone's farm in ya.