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Friday, May 26, 2006

Thou Shall Be Called...

Let me run with you tonight
I'll take you on a moonlight ride
There's someone I used to see
But she don't give a damn for me


I’m just about done with my week of stadium talk and we now need to figure out a name for this place. A couple joking names I have come up with is…

Monty Burns’ Field: this is because Carl Pohlad is the real life Monty Burns and it only seems fitting

Spam Park: It’s actually more realistic than Monty Burns’ Field because Hormel is actually a pretty big sponsor of Twins baseball but no way.

Prince Field- Prince might do something really arrogant like that. We could always say we’re going to “The Prince” eh…I fucking hope not.

It is important to have a decent name- a name that sounds good and not terribly corny. It’s way too easy to come up with a corny name when baseball is involved because I wouldn’t want it called something like America Park or something.

Then there’s something like Great American Ballpark which others have expressed as “THE” perfect name for any ballpark. Myself, I think it’s the corniest damn name I have ever heard. For some reason I envision myself walking into the GAB into a sea of 40,000 fans all dressed as Uncle Sam and they’re all eating apple pie on stars and stripes paper plates. Also everyone talks in an enthusiastically over-jolly voice like,

“HELLOOOOO fine sir, WOULD YOU LIKE some crumpets?” Also there’s be an endless loop of Henry David Thoreau marching band music blaring non stop. Basically it would be a 4th of July-everyone’s-drinking-the-kool-aid type of nightmare.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Person in the concourse: EXCUse me sir, WOULD YOU like some of my FINE apple pie?
Boof: ahh no thanks. I’m a pumpkin pie guy.
Person: TERRORIST!!!! EVERYONE!!! WE HAVE AN OSAMA BUTT KISSING TERRORIST!!! GIT HIM!!!!
And they go on to beat the crap out of me with crackerjack boxes and their top hats.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Don’t get me wrong, I love the US and all but I grew up respecting the flag and following all the rules in how to take care of the flag: I would never ever let the flag touch the ground, I would also make sure it’s folded up properly, and make sure people know that one should only fly the flag at night if there’s a spot light on it. My mom, on the other hand, went all stars and stripes crazy after 9-11 and turned the whole kitchen into a 4th of July celebration which was fine. It wasn’t until I saw the stars and stripes doormat that I really got a sickening feeling toward the whole thing. I mean really, shouldn’t someone who hates the US have a stars and stripes doormat? It makes me shudder knowing all the stuff that has the flag on it and people giving no regard on it.

Also Enron field was not a good choice when they opened that up. I know it’s not the team’s fault but that’s the case where everyone gets a white flame of anger in their stomach and finds it better not to attend the game after a little thought.

One thing that is certain is that there will be some corporate sponsor’s name attached. It’s one of the ugly things that we have to come to expect with any ballpark or arena--especially for a small market like the Twin Cities.

With this name we can be certain that it will be a huge ass corporation and not the local Kum and Go

(Kum and Go Field--bwahahahahaha I should grow up)

And it wont be called something totally insane like,

Raid Cockroach Killer ballpark or The Lamisil Anti Fungal Grounds of Minneapolis.

So the local corporations we can come up with are:
Target
Best Buy
3M
Dairy Queen
General Mills
Land O’ Lakes

And that’s about it from what I can think of.

Target is out because they’re already doing the Target Center (of course)

Dairy Queen seems unlikely because I don’t think that’s the angle they’d persue. Also it would fall into the “corny” category because what are they going to have, “Dairy Queen Park”? ugh sounds dumb.

General Mills could play a role but it’s such a boring name--General Mills Ballpark, ironically, is way too generic. On the other hand Wheaties Field is an excellent name. That name is almost perfect, but I don’t think they’d get the most out of one brand of cereal.

Land O’ Lakes could play a role. Land O’ Lakes Field sounds a kinda natural and gives off a good vibe. For the computer geeks it would be LOL field. Sheesh

3M Field sounds good. The company is here and they are certainly huge enough but I have my doubts. 3M does participate on a number of local events but nothing to the level of a professional ball club. 3M sponsored the Wild for a little bit but I think that’s only because it would’ve looked strange had they not sponsored a team in their own backyard. I kind of hope that's not the name because I see enough of that place everywhere I go, but whatever.

Best Buy Ballpark seems like the best bet. Best Buy is already a major sponsor of the Twins and it’s a company that is still stretching out across the US (if it hasn’t already). I really think this is the name because it just fits and makes sense. We’ll see

There has also been a ton of fans clamoring for “Puckett Park”. While it does have a great ring to it and he was arguably the best baseball player for the Twins, there’s something about it that rubs me the wrong way. Perhaps it’s the whole, Cobain deal where a person is put on a higher pedestal as a result from a tragic death that seems to stick out (because after all, had the stroke never happened, no one would even know or think about Puckett’s place in life). Also while he was a great ballplayer, it seems to be a mild slap in the face to the other Twins Hall of Famers who were also pretty damn good and anyone who took part in the World Series. Yes, Puckett single handedly won game 6 but Jack Morris pretty much did the same in game 7.

Also Pohlad Park would not only be selfish and cold but it would make me want to throw up with all the self back patting. Pohlad was credited with saving the team in the 80’s but he was primarily responsible for all the bitching and threatening to move BS in the 90’s and today. Yeah the market is small and the dome sucks but you’re a multibillionaire and the team would double in value from a new stadium. Not to mention that when someone asks him why he doesn’t spend more on the team he responds with something like,
“I can’t pitch in that kind of money because I have a family to look after.” which he was quoted sometime in the late 90’s, it just seems a little ridiculous.

Ironically I think a stadium named after his late wife would be the best name for a the new ballpark. Eloise Pohlad passed away a couple years ago and was a huge Twins fan. Some even credit her with keeping the team here during the hardcore contraction talks.

The name “Eloise Field” gives me goose bumps because it is both classy and graceful. I don’t know what it is about a woman’s name but it just makes this it sound perfect.

Of course it would have to be “blah blah blah at Eloise Field” just to get the naming right in there but Eloise Field has my vote.

Of course an even better name--better than anything I’ve heard--would be Berg Ballpark.
That’s fuckin classy right there.

FYI: Be sure to check out Friday Nights Twins game. Francisco Liriano is pitching against Seattle's Felix Hernandez. If Liriano was a sure deal, Felix is a sure deal times two. Seriously, Felix was the number one rated pitcher a year ago and Liriano was number two.
Basically what I'm telling you is if your infant son was playing in street and this game was going on, wait until between the innings to go grab him.

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