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Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Welcome to My Apartment

'Cause I'll stop trying to make a difference
I'm not trying to make a difference
I'll stop trying to make a difference
No way



The effects of moving have already started. I already got a note saying how in the next 6 weeks that my building manager will be showing off my apartment to potential renters which tells me two things; 1) they’re not having a problem renting rooms out like 15 months ago. 15 months ago they were giving out sweet deals like including a month of free rent and cable for a month! Basically they couldn’t find renters if they had a naked woman jumping up and down on the street with a sign. 2) I’m going to have to clean up my apartment.

It’s not like my apartment is terminally dirty and that I have half eaten chicken lying around but it does need to be freshened up. Right now if you were to walk into my apartment you’d find laundry scattered outside of the laundry room, cookies next to my recliner and newspapers littered all over the coffee table. I usually have the place clean if I have the briefest notion that someone may come over or when I wake up one morning and take one step into my living room and say, “Jesus, I really gotta clean this fuckin place up.”

Last year I had a the best cleaning regimen I’ve ever had with cleaning and scrubbing every Saturday because I would invite people over to watch some football. Now there’s nothing on anymore and I just like to nap.

Anyway back to the whole ‘showing off the apartment thing’ I when I lived with my cousin we had this same thing happen before we moved out. We were watching American Gladiators or something and tossing ideas out about how we should present ourselves for the potential renters.

We came up with one conclusion,

One would go shopping while another stays at home and plays video games in the living room in their underwear. That way when the people walk in they’d be welcomed to the site of a 20 something dude in their underwear playing video games. Instead of trying to hide anything, said person would act like nothing is wrong and greet the newbies very warmly. Perhaps even a wipe of the hand onto the underwear before shaking hands would be in order.

Then have the rooms cleaned up but maybe throw in some really weird crap on the dressers like a stack of 80 mountain dew cans rising up to the ceiling, an old bucket of KFC with GI Joes inside, and a fleshlight.

While in one of the bedrooms the other roommate could then come in balancing 5 huge buckets of KFC and yelling at the tighty whitey roomey,

“EEEHHHH HEY! GRAB SOME TP BECAUSE THIS SHITS GREASIER THAN NORMAL.” and then maybe drop a couple buckets in the living room.
“DAMMIT! NOW THERE’S CHICKEN EVERYWHERE! FAAAAAK!”

Then in the bathroom there’d be a tv tray set up with an old pizza box and a couple pieces of pizza still left in just in front of the toilet. Then perhaps a half eaten piece of pizza in the shower would kinda nifty.

I think that would be pretty cool just to see a reaction.

That’s all we really came up with. It wasn’t a conversation worth getting any deeper in.

2 comments:

Aliecat said...

I think you should greet them in a wife beater and no pants...

Barry Metropolis said...

I am moving out next Wednesday, and about two weeks ago, I asked my manager if he'd received my move out notice. He said, "Yeah, I've shown your place to a few people." I blushed a deep red right then, thinking of how disgustlingly dirty my apartment had become over the last month when I stopped caring. Thinking about how many people had seen my boxers strewn across the floor. Thinking of the piles of dishes.

I wish they would've warned me that they were already showing the apt. Not that I would've cleaned it. But it's still frigging embarrasing.