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Wednesday, May 17, 2006

What Would Terry Do?

They shot the tiger on his chain
In a field behind the cages
He walked in circles 'til he was crazy
And he lived that way forever


Sitting in his spacious 3 story office from the ugly confines of Metrodome Terry Ryan sat quietly at his desk looking at Japanese players whose careers are nearly ending. Terry is a meticulous general manager for the Twins and he performed his job with dignity and proficiency. His job was to maintain a winning baseball team while watching the money dedicated to the payroll. The owner was very cheap despite being a multi billionaire and Terry only had scraps of ballplayers to work with every year. It was a job for any GM to fail.

One thing Terry was phenomenal at was trades. Terry could cherry pick any current mediocre player from any teams minor league system and turn that player into a blue-chip AAA player in a matter of months. One trade had him dealing an above average catcher for three seemingly unknown players from the Giants. Out of those three players, one is a two-time all star, one is a up and coming strike out pitcher with a 12.00 K’s per 9innings, and the other is the top prospect in AAA. Not bad for a catcher that needed to be traded in the first place.

While looking at Japanese stats a faint “snap” could be heard from the ceiling. Terry looked up and couldn’t figure out what happened. He then peeked out his office window and continued looking at stats.

The crack was the Yankees Hideki Matsui snapping his wrist in left field leaving the Yankees without a decent replacement. Just then and there Brian Cashmen, Yankees GM, took his rocket car due west to the Twin Cities.

In the lobby just below Terry Ryan’s office was a well dressed grey haired man with a bright red vest. This man was Walt Jocketty ,the GM for the Cardinals, and he had some business to mention to Terry. Walt wanted to know what it would take to obtain the Twins outfielders Torii Hunter and Shannon Stewart.

As Walt punched the button to call the elevator a huge rush of wind came from the street outside. Everyone turned to look at the doors as a rush of flames came out of nowhere and neatly parked in lot outside,
“great Bud and Bud Light! Who is that?” said Walt Jocketty to himself.

In rushed this little man who looked a lot like a cokehead with a Yankees vest on. Walt seen this man too many times to count and his presence immediately meant that his job may have gotten exponentially harder.
It was Brian Cashman.
But the Yankees need pitching. They couldn’t possibly want anything other than a pitcher from the Twins right?
As Cashman slowed down to the elevator he then noticed Mr. Jocketty who was humming and slightly tapping his feet as he waited for the elevator.
“Why hello Card. What brings you here?” asked Cashman.
“aahh--Oh, hell Yankee! I’m aaaah just here to help Terry with ideas for a lineup with the potential new ballpark dimensions in the new stadium. That’s all. What are you here for?” asked Jocketty.
“I’m ah… just aaaahhh… uhhhh I’m just here is all.”

One pretty much knew that the Yankees GM was here just to pry away some ballplayers from the Twins. There really was no reason to lie since it was always blatantly obvious why he would make an appearance anywhere.

The elevator doors spread open as both GM’s walked into the elevators. As they were confined in the elevator, they exchanged awkward glances towards each other as they glanced at each others World Series championship rings.

The door opened and Cashman immediately stepped out and started walking fast towards Terry Ryan’s office which was at the end of a cubicle maze. Jocketty immediately followed Cashman as he entered the maze of cubicles. Cashman went left, then right, straight, then another left, and another right until he was at the door of….
“David St. Peter!!! AaarrrrrGHHHHH!
Meanwhile Jocketty maneuver his way into the middle of the cubicle maze. Cashman stood up on some leftover David Ortiz memorabilia and he could see a the grey hair man going back and forth with ease from within the maze.

Cashman did the only thing he knew to solve this problem, he threw money at it. So he took a handful of money and threw it at the carpet coated six foot wall of light brown carpet but it just bounced off. Cashman then tried to double back and concentrate more on the cubicle maze. He stood on top of the nearby copier and saw that Cashman was a couple turns away from Terry Ryan’s office.

Just then a ghostly figure of Babe Ruth appeared out of nowhere and lifted Brian Cashman over the cubicles and to the front door of Terry Ryan’s office. Walt Jocketty was just about to enter the threshold when the Cashman was gently being let down.
“Oh no, not again!” said Jocketty as he looked behind his shoulder to Cashman being let go from Babe Ruth.

Both stumbled into the office to Terry Ryan staring out the window mumbling,
“Blast that damned Barry Metropolis. When will he learn to do his sodding homework and not waste his time on this under financed--Oh hello guys! What brings you here?” Ryan asked as the two men stumbled into his office.

“I want Torii Hunter and Shannon Stewart and I want them now” demanded Brian Cashman.

“Okaaaaay, and why are you here Mr. Jocketty?” asked Ryan

“I ah… I want Torii Hunter and Shannon Stewart too”

“You liar! You said you were here to help him with a lineup!” retaliated Cashman

Both Ryan and Jocketty knew that Cashman was a bit of a sucker at the old time general manager tricks that always seemed too stupid for anyone else to fall for so they politely pointed and laughed at Cashman.

Ryan had a bit of a decision to make…

Would you….

-Trade the players to the Yankees?
-Trade the players to the Cards?
-or keep them?

Me? I would trade Shannon Stewart for a bucket of chicken because while the guy can hit for average, he’s a terrible left fielder who throws lollipops and has lost some speed. Plus he’s making $6.5M. If they offer anything more, I’d take it. It’s especially awesome that at least two teams want the guy and could possibly bid for him.

For Torii Hunter, he’s pretty much gone as it is. Although he’s the best CF in the AL and he’s been hitting a hot bat lately, I just don’t see him being paid $12M by the Twins for next year. That’s a huge chunk of change for a player who is basically just a great CF in my opinion. Hunter could bring in some really good prospects!

I don’t know, whatever.

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