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Monday, June 12, 2006

Holy Crap

Under my thumb
Her eyes are just kept to herself
Under my thumb, well I
I can still look at someone else


Crap List

1. Southern hockey

For some reason I firmly believe any team that plays hockey below the mason/Dixon line should completely be terrible at hockey. I also want to believe that the more north you travel, the better the hockey team should be. Therefore I have this vision of a dozen really bored guy in Nunavut who all they do is play hockey and play it better than anyone can dream of.
On this team there’s probably a couple forwards that are fast as hell, can pass better than anyone, and can handle the stick as if they were a damn tree. Defensemen who pound the hell out of opponents who have killer shots and are accurate as hell. Finally a goalie that is fat as hell and can out perform a brick wall in the net.

So when, say Tampa Bay plays Calgary in the Stanley cup I picture a very good hockey team playing a bunch of old people, Cuban transplants, and other latinos with crazy ass hockey jerseys who’ve never seen ice before and wearing skates for the first time. I can’t seem to accept Tampa Bay winning anything when it comes to winter sports. I cannot accept that. At all.

But Carolina? In hockey? Where Nascar and basketball are king? It just doesn’t seem right. It would be like a French baseball team winning over the US in baseball.

Basically if any Stanley Cup comes down to a Canadian team and a southern team, it should go to the Canadian team without even playing. I can’t stomach the thought of any more southern hockey teams winning in hockey. I know that is incredibly geographicist (if there is such a thing) but that’s crap.

2. A day of catch

So I go and toss a baseball with a dude who can throw harder than anyone I have ever played catch with. What’s worse is he can do all sorts of crazy shit with the baseball that makes it go all bugs bunny like in the air. I’ll stick my glove -- my Kirk Gibson glove from when I was 11) -- out way to the left and his slider will almost hit me in the chest causing me to palm this 70-something mph slider right in the palm.


After an hour of catching weird stuff, my index finger looked like a 300 pound man’s finger.

Then when I’m trying to hit these crazy balls, he throws a slider behind me, so stay in the box and think it’s going to get by. Nope, it’s a slider so it slid right into my chest which gave me another Samantha.

I gotta get a big boys glove and keep playing.

3. Ugly Trophy’s

Speaking of trophy’s, that NBA championship trophy is ugly as hell. It’s also annoying with that gold basketball just sitting on the side of that huge rim-thing. It looks like something that should be placed in the middle of a beautifully landscaped yard. They should have a treasure chest of gold and spices. I think that would be something worth fighting for.

2 comments:

The Steph said...

It's almost like it should be the runner-up trophy instead. "You came sooo close to winning it all, but the ball rolled around the rim, didn't fall in, and you lost. So your trophy represents loserdom."

The Steph said...

And PS...southern hockey teams are made up of northerners, by the way. Northerners who value wearing shorts to the rink, skating, and then leaving in shorts and going to the beach. I haven't seen a lot of Cuban immigrants playing hockey.