This is an intervention.
First, we want to say that we love you.
This is nothing personal, but we feel that we need to take this step before you can further develop your relationships with those you care about. We can't understand 97.3% of what you say when you don't write it down. And we feel that it's impacting our ability to effectively and efficiently communicate and share our lives with you.
We believe that your cell phone, although it looks like it comes from the 22nd century, contains electronics from the first Texas Instruments calculator. At times, it sounds as though you have wrapped a crumpled up brown paper bag around your phone and dunked your head in a bucket of water while bobbing for apples. Other times, you call us when the New York Symphany Orchestra and the Boston Pops have lined up next to each for the big finale during the 4th of July fireworks display at a NASCAR race.
Please spit the marshmallows out or gulp them down before talking. This is not a campfire. It’s a conversation. And you can't ignore the reality of a conversation about the inevitable Tigers breakdown in July by thinking that an unclear connection will lead us to forget about it. No, Orbitron, we remember. And we will still laugh. Even if we can't hear your response.
Now clean up that venti light java chip frappachino no whip double-blended that just got spewed, and just talk to us.
And also, don't cry WHEN THE TWINS TAKE OVER THE CENTRAL!!!!!