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Sunday, July 30, 2006

Tiger Crap

Ooh Superman where are you now
When everything's gone wrong somehow
The men of steel, the men of power
Are losing control by the hour.

Crap List

1. Aaron
This definitely seems like biting the hand that feeds but if someone can suck their own dick, AG seems to have not only performed, but mastered this art. Before I go any further is probably one of *the* best baseball blogs around. There is no one that can come up with some sort of crazy stat that will support an argument like Gleeman can do. Sugar Tits, if you think my baseball stuff is over your head,’s stuff will leave you bewildered. I don’t even get half the stats he comes up with!

I’ve been reading his stuff for over 3 years when he started out as Aaron’s Baseball Blog and slowly but surely he’s turned into arguably the best baseball blog in well…baseball. Big named columnists come to this blog and he even got a half page in Sports Illustrated a couple months ago.

Since all this, his daily entries have been to the tune of,
“Soandso has now been in the bullpen for 2 weeks with stellar stuff. I’ve been saying this all along since this date (there’d be a link included).”
“I’ve been writing about my frustration with soandso and now the twins are winning after benching soandso”
“blahblahblah deserves to be in the clean up spot, I’ve been saying this for years, finally he’s in the clean up spot and he’s hitting the crap out of the ball”

Those are all made up quotes but everyday he has these bullet points that basically go,
  • I’m awesome
  • Twins totally need to hire me as the GM
  • I’m right about everything

But the thing is, he’s wrong about stuff too but you’d NEVER hear it on his page. He said the Twins were finished even after their 12 (or whatever it was) game winning streak.

His stuff is still good but get a little more objective and get a little perspective.

2. Sports guys who are uncoordinated
If you go to a Twins game on Saturday they always have a home run derby type of thing featuring TC the Bear (still don’t care for that mascot) and some pseudo local celebs. Everyone bats from centerfield and gets softballs underhanded to them. There’s no real prize so to speak and nobody wins anything but it’s just fun to watch.

Back in the day I saw the anchors from the local television station go out and attempt to hit softball homers.

The lead anchor goes first and his…one homer. No big deal
The female anchor steps up and hits the ball hard. Cool
The weatherman steps ups and hits like three homers. Cool
The sports guy then walks up to the plate and I’m figuring this guy will hand everyone their ass at this match.
Nope, he could barely muster a grounder and didn’t even come close to the fence.

He should get a cut in pay for that monstrosity!

Last Saturday H’s roommate steps up and whiffs at an underhanded softball.


Good lord

3. Clerks II
I was thinking about walking out at the midpoint. Now I wish I had.
More about this turd-burger tomorrow.

Friday, July 28, 2006

TV Baseball Announcers

Forty years go by with someone laying in your bed
Forty years of things you say you wish you'd never said
How hard would it have been to say some kinder words instead
I wonder as I stare up at the sky turning red

Whenever the Twins battle the White Sox I want to watch the WGN version of the game because I want to see the blatent homerish calls that the annoying Hawk Harrelson has on TV. Hawk Harrelson is notorious for having a completely subjective slant toward the White Sox and it’s beyond bad. It’s like a 6 year old kid wearing a White Sox cap who wants the Sox to win 99-0 every god damn game.

With that I figure it would be the time to rate some of the baseball television announcers.

Hawk Harrelson WGN announcer for the White Sox: Hawk is a damn baby who is known to walk out of games if the White Sox are losing. He’s a complete baby who will berate an umpire for an entire series based on one close ball or strike. He constantly calls his White Sox “the Good Guys” as in,

“Well, we go to the bottom of the 4th. Good guys are down 3-0” If that doesn’t make you barf then you should listen to his home run call,

“AAAAND YOU CAN PUT IT ON THE BOOOOARRD….YOEEEESSS!” With this inane sidekick joining him on his “yoooeees”.

As annoying as he is, it’s one of the best things in the world to see this guy pout on the air and I revel every time he whines and cries about a close play that didn’t go in favor of the Sox.

Voice 9 (very good southern style accent)
Delivery 7 (very good with his laid back and smooth delivery but his made up words like “movingest” and “First-and-third’em” which gets annoying and drives his number back to a 7)
Knowledge of the game: 6 not the best due to all his anecdotes but he can handle his own.

Joe Morgan ESPN Sunday night analyst: While this guy may have a decent tone--a tone that makes him sound like he knows something--he actually doesn’t know anything. You have to listen carefully because in his jumbled manner he’ll blurt out,
“Torii Hunter is quite the power hitter.” and Jon Miller will quickly interrupt him for the play-by-play but did you catch that?
Hunter? A power hitter? Haha ahhhhh no.
Voice: 5
Delivery: 9
Knowledge: 3

Jon Miller ESPN Sunday Night play-by-play: I think Jon is one of the best play-by-play guys. I love his voice and his tidbits are presented in a comfortable and easy manor. I think this guy is one of the few announcers that have survived the golden age of radio (Jack Buck, Ernie Harwell, Harry Carey, Herb Carneal, Vin Scully, ect) where exciting and tourrette laded announcers are now taking up the scene. Miller seems like the old jolly guy that you’d want to hang out at White Castle with (along with Mark Rosen) and we’d be there talking for 3 days about baseball and stuff like that (hmm probably just a baseball fantasy but oh well).
Voice: 10 (one of the best)
Delivery: 10
Knowledge: 9 (for a play-by-play guy he seems to know a lot but he also knows when to ask questions and knows his limitations)

Dick Bremer Twins primary television announcer: I don’t mind Bremer that much at all. I think he does a pretty good job for a someone who works for the Twins (Twins seems to hire a bunch of losers media wise). Bremer grew up in western Minnesota and can actually deal with Bert Blyleven which is a pretty hefty job in itself. He seems to be a full blown Twins fan but keeps the games relatively objective along with a fans view of other games. The one thing that bothers me is his excited home run call because it sounds like some college student who doesn’t know how to control his voice or tone. A lot of times it sounds like his excited voice over modulates and it’s just…frown able.
Voice: 8
Delivery: 9
Knowledge: 8 (which aren’t bad for local play-by-play guys)

Bert Blyleven color commentator for the Twins: I consider myself to be a pretty big baseball fan. I hate distractions from the game (the wave, the guy trying to get in your section in the middle of an at bat, and anything non baseball) but Bert is just crazy and I like it. He’s the perfect, non-perfect color guy. He constantly says “at the major league level” to start and end his sentences and refers to his “California math” along with announcing how many days until his birthday which I should find annoying but I find it endearing. It’s like the guy is my real father or something. I’m reveling for the day that he lights Dick Bremer’s shoes on fire on the air. I don’t know what it is because he can be a very insightful baseball personality at one time and two minutes later be talking about his pubes (he actually did one time). I hope to see this guy at White Castle more often.

Voice: 7
Delivery: 9
Knowledge: 8 (yeah but the guy is fun!)

Joe Buck Fox’s national play-by-play announcer: Joe Buck seems like the biggest prick in the whole world. If this guy sat by us (me, Mark Rosen, and Jon Miller) I would punch this guy in the face and shove him down the toilet. It seems like a total shame that his father’s grace and down home delivery didn’t rub off even a little bit. Every time I see this guys face with his wannabe “intellectual glasses” I want to thrash the guy. If his name was something other than “Buck” he would not be where he is.
Voice: 2 (I hate this guy’s voice. It resembles the current paradigm of young and pewking voice which seems ideal for the new age ADD viewers. His voice has no character and anyone can mimic such a voice.)
Delivery: 7 (while I can’t stand his voice, his delivery is pretty smooth.)
Knowledge: 2 (he thinks he knows about the game, but if he managed, his team would probably go 0-162)

Tim McCarver FOX national color commentator: McCarver is the absolute worst. He comes across as some weird Fred Willard character with his terrible dye job and awkward pose of holding the mic and waiting for Joe Buck to finish his ten minute soliloquy on why drugs are bad for the game of baseball and why Budweiser is the King of Beers (for 16 year olds maybe).
When he talks though, ooohh god. I remember earlier in the year during a national broadcast Joe and McCarver were talking to a baseball insider about potential trades. They were naming off legitamite big-time pitchers who were on the trading block until McCarver added this,

TC: What about Johan Santana for trading. He’s one of the best pitchers in the league on a bad team (the Twins were just starting their good streak but I wont hold that against him)

Some expert: Well Johan is certaintanly one of the best pitchers in the league and he’s

TC: That doesn’t mean they wont trade him though.

Expert: well, let’s just say I seriously doubt they would be trading Santana because they don’t have any reason to. (laymen’s terms: you are a complete dumbass Tim. Why the hell would they trade him away?)

Here’s one sentence the guy has actually said,

"Fundamentals are a fundamental part of the game of baseball." - May 27th, 2006 from

Voice: 3 (he’s an old man)
Delivery: 6 (not too bad but this content is horse shit)
Knowledge: 0 (It’s like listening to my mom)

Chris Berman ESPN play-by-play announcer: Chris Berman had his heyday about ten years ago with his cute little nicknames he’d give everyone but since he’s been holding on to his own past to deal life. ESPN had a baseball game back in the day which was one of the first for having a home run derby in which Berman’s annoying,

“Back-back-back-back-back-back-back-back-back-back-back-back-back-GONE” was popular somehow. Like any other game with a home run derby, one could hit like 50 homers and every time you had to hear that annoying home run call. It was after the 50th home run I hit with Pete Incaviglia that made me want to stop playing and hit the game with a 7 iron.

Now Berman is STILL doing the stupid nickname game and that home run call is just annoying. It’s like George Costanza and his “Joke store” comment.

Voice: 4 (reeks of alcoholic pork rhines fat harry dude)
Delivery: 3 (he’s got a pretty terrible delivery)
Knowledge 2 (NFL guys don’t know crap about baseball)

I must also mention that these announcers have their own website preaching about how bad they are.

Tim McCarver:
Hawk Harrelson:

Both have good/terrible quotes by the guys and it’s worth the time.

I’ll have my radio announcers version of this in the near future.

Have a good weekend everyone.

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Those Are Some Tig Bits!

The crawlers cover the floor in the red ochre corridor.
For my second sight of people, theyve more lifeblood than before.
Theyre moving in time to a heavy wooden door,
Where the needles eye is winking, closing in on the poor.

-I believe it’s about confirmed that my new roommate/landlord is a full blown alcoholic. I have caught here drinking heavily and alone at least three times in the last week that I’ve been around which makes for some interesting stories.

Last night I think I walked in on her pleasuring herself. It was either that or she was petting a small dog under a blanket while moaning…

She didn’t see me so I just shook my head and went back to my room.

-Despite all the weird stuff that has happened around the new place, I have to say that this new landlord/roommate is pretty awesome to deal with (waaaaay better than H). Basically she said that her phat place is mine since I pay rent. I’ve actually had some decent conversations with her and it seems to be cool.

-I caught the Traveling Wilbury’s song “end of the line” video the other day and I must say that it’s pretty cool. It must’ve been shot after Roy Orbinson passed away because during his singing parts they have an empty rocking chair with a spotlight. It’s rather chilling and the other band members are pretty mellow.

God damn what the hell ever happened to music videos? Where is Peter Gabriel when you need him.

-Speaking of Peter Gabriel, I have found myself listening to Genesis for the past week. Ah…nothing else to add to that I guess.

-I have added some “Blogs of ridicule” onto my side bar so be sure to visit those sites and ridicule the hell out of them.
I have also added a couple entries to my “best of” category. How conceited is that?

-Speaking of ridicule, HOW AWESOME IS IT THAT THE TWINS SWEPT THE WHITE SOX?!? Oh man, that’s worth pleasuring yourself alone!

Okay everyone listen to me,

The Twins are now one half game out of the wild card spot behind those blasted Yankees. Steph and Eric are Yankees fans so especially give them some quality ridicule.

-Last weekend was THE weekend where I had our big baseball trip planned. As it turned out from what I had planned,
Friday (Detroit): Detroit beat the A’s so it wouldn’t be as awesome as possible. I still wanted to check out Comerica though.
Saturday (Cleveland): Twins lost 11-0 so that would’ve definitely sucked
Sunday (Cleveland): Liriano pitching…awesome
Monday (Chicago): Pizza alone would make for good times in Chicago but with the Twins coming from behind it would’ve been epic. Granted we probably would’ve been mugged by crazy White Sox fans but it would be worth it…I think.

Plus, I planed the trip with gas being $2.50 (which at the time was the high end figure) so perhaps skipping out wasn’t that bad. What am I saying, I wish I went on this trip! I was bitter for about a month!

-How’s this for a birthday present, the Cowboy Junkies are playing at the Guthrie the day before my birthday! I saw them three years ago at the old Guthrie and it was beyond fantastic. Now they’re playing at the NEW Guthrie and it gives me a chance to check out the place and act like I’m a theatre person. Tickets are like $35 though. For the Junkies!?

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

The White Glove Test?

White Cadillac, white man at the wheel,
white faces on the mountain,
wounds that will never heal

I probably shouldn’t be posting this since it’s violating blogging privacy acts with you all getting to hear my voice and seeing the world through “Boof vision” but I figured I’d get all interactive and shit. So this is a clip of me giving y’all a tour of my old apartment. Let me know if this ends up working or not.

So after that was shot I had the inspectors come and find anything that didn’t get cleaned or destroyed. They came in, showed me all these secret hiding spots which I had no idea ever existed, and then handed me a broom and a rag so I didn’t get screwed out of my deposit.

So I cleaned, scrubbed, sweated my ass off, and cleaned these areas they defined. For any 26 year old guy, my apartment was spotless--no, newer than brand new kinda clean and I was proud.

Then this evil bitch of the west comes in wearing her white gloves and starts wiping everything to see if the white gloves turned anything other than white. Like if they were slightly discolored from two specs of dust, then I had to clean that shit off again.

I struggled to keep up but I managed and it was turning into an endurance race as this old lady rapidly goes through my apartment wearing her white gloves.

I took a break while this crazy bitch goes around my apartment to talk to the care takers.

Boof: So I guess there was a lady that died here before I moved in.
The guy: OH that was this apartment?
The lady (not the white glove lady): what happened?
Guy: apparently some old lady died in here and the neighbors were complaining about a terrible smell from 305. Yeah they had to replace everything because the stench was so bad.
Boof: did she get her deposit back?
Everyone: baaahahahahahahhahahaha

Haha I made a funny.

As It turns out this crazy old lady found a water stain from my room which could end up costing me but I doubt it. I would figure this water stain came from my waterbed fiasco from a year ago.

Which leads me to my favorite memories of my apartment.

-throwing my waterbed over my balcony: because it was the easiest way to get rid of it
-Superbowl 39 and winning --actually it seemed more like losing--the white castle eating contest by eating 24.5 white castle burgers and signifying the end of my eating competitive career.
-the time where the outside water grate filled up: I woke up the next day to this huge friggen lake outside my window. It was awesome as hell.
-nearly being kicked out by having a dirty apartment: lets just say I went to vegas without cleaning my apartment, surprise inspection, and BAM-”clean your apartment or else”

Whatever though, this new place rocks. I’ve already collected 4 golf balls.

Monday, July 24, 2006

Twins Talk

They disembarked in 45
And no-one spoke and no-one smiled
There were to many spaces in the line.

If you are even a little teensy bit of a Twins fan then you should *SHOULD* be watching these next couple games against the White Sox. If you’re not, just leave me you’re number so I can call you up and yell at you.

I mean really…it doesn’t get much better than this and specifically it doesn’t get much better tonight when Johan Santana pitches against Jose Contreras in a duel to the death…in baseball terms. Even if you’re a baseball fan you wont want to miss this game because it’s as close to October baseball as July can give you.

The Twins are now 2 (count them one and two!) games out of the wild card spot and I have to take this time to gloat to all those twins blogging non believers who gave up on the team just one month ago. They all said that this team had no chance and that 12 games out in June was hopeless.

Apparently those Twins bloggers and fans have not endured an entire major league season nor have they realized that there are 162 games in one year. Apparently they forgot about the Astros of last year or the Angels of --whatthehellwasit-- ‘96 or Bucky Dent and the Yankees of ‘78. Teams get hot and others go cold all at the same time.

Ok, ok I will admit that I even said that the Twins were done and I guess I should cut some slack to those bloggers and fans. After all we had Tony Batista and Juan Castro (remember them?) on the left side of the infield. Also take into account Shannon Stewart in left and the Twins had the worst left side of the field in the majors. I could play either of those positions with more potential than any of those sallys.

But now, facing the flailing White Sox and being 2 games out of the wild card is making for some exciting baseball. Last night the Twins came back from 2-0 down in the 6th among a sellout Chicago crowd to home the crap out of the crap sox. I wish I could’ve heard Hawk Harrelson cry like a little girl when Mauer hit that three-run home in the 7th because that is the kind of stuff that dreams are mad of. Oh, that would be music to my ears.

This weekend Ron’s Tigers are heading to the dome for an interesting 3 game series. The Twins are leading the league in home victories and the Tigers are leading the league in victories, wherever the hell they play. The Twins though, are going to have Liriano, Santana, and a damn good Radke facing them so it’ll be worth the $6 you’ll pay. Then the Tigers have their pitchers yadda yadda yadda who rock.

Be afraid Ron, be very afraid!

Days: Still a Faded Dream

You've got a way to keep me on your side
You give me cause for love that I can't hide
For you I know I'd even try to turn the tide
Because you're mine,
I walk the line

Today I was all prepared to write a crap list and do my weekly bitching of stuff until Friday hit. Friday pretty much sucked. Let me explain,

I was grudgingly getting ready to come to work and continue showing K the ins and outs of what I do. K was the one who would replace me in one week and he wasn’t a pleasant person to talk to. He was a mechanic to the local airline and he got screwed.
As I would train him in I found it apparent that he was very bitter and waiting for the chance to screw someone over. I would try to start a conversation but anything I would say would be followed by crickets. I was actually going to put this guy on the crap list for all the bitterness this guy had.

Anyway, this guy was my savior, he was going to replace me on nights. Before that he spent three weeks on days (who the hell knows why) and a week with me training him at nights. Any animosity I had toward this guy would end in the notion that he was going to take me off nights, so he could’ve kicked me in the groin for all I cared.

The thought of working days has always given me a huge smile and the notion of ’finally, I can work regular person hours and actually do things…finally’. Four in a half years of working nights will finally pay off.

I was one week away.

Friday I step into the area where my department hangs out and me and V were both looking for this trainee.

V: Have you seen K around?
Boof: Nah, I’m looking for him myself.
V: Ah…we’re going to have to start looking for a new night rep.
Boof: haha Nah, I’m sure K is around here somewhere.
V: ah…no, K is not staying with us.
Boof: haha oh yeah, I’m sure.
At this point a couple others are prairie dogging out of their cubicle looking at me.
M: ah…haha Tom, K actually got another job in the airline industry.
Boof: you GOT to be joking. You’re all joking right?
V(with a bit of a laugh): I’m sorry Tom.
At this point more bosses are starting to walk over toward me with repressed grins.
Boof looking around: This is one big joke right?
M: haha no.

I honestly thought they were joking because they knew how badly I wanted to go on days. They all had grins on their face and it just seemed right especially since it was 3pm on a Friday.

I then walked to the elevator looking for K, thought about it for a minute, and then went back.

Boof: Ok, so K getting another job and not working nights, that was a joke right?
V: nope
T: Tom, I think you’ve been punked…
(I actually thought for sure they were punking me)
…the whole notion of you going on days was just a test. You knew you weren’t going days the whole time didn’t ya?
Boof: ah, so you guys were joking about him getting another job…right?
M (trying hard not to laugh): no, you’re going to be on nights until we can find someone else.

I felt like I had been completely and thoroughly screwed over and everyone knew it. The past week I worked half nights to train the new guy in and the time off was a taste of what evenings without working was like. A TASTE!

This new guy had a job already lined up for weeks and he was just working with me to see if he liked the job or not. Then he quits!

Can you believe that?

Now I’m stuck on nights until they can find someone else.


Thursday, July 20, 2006

Black Bittys

Seen it happen to a couple of friends...
See it happen and the message it sends...
Taking off for what's an obvious fall...
Just to see what all the fuss is about...

-Being the big Twins fan I am I have learned the who’s who of twins fans through the past couple years.
I went on a sweet baseball trip with Twinsgeek and company.
Aaron Gleeman was a blog I stumbled upon about 4 years ago and it’s been huge since.
Shane at Greet Machine was very instrumental in getting the Twins a new ballpark and he’s a transformers guy…like me.

And, as I’ve found out, my old driving instructor is *THE* collector of Twins memorabilia. Mr. Doepner was one of the coveted teachers at Tartan High School. He taught history and everyone wanted to be in his class. The guy was definitely in everyone’s top 3 for favorite teachers.

When I found out he was my driving instructor I was elated because I wanted to see what the fuss was all about.

Back in ‘95 I had like 10 hours of driving with Mr. Doepner and we talked about everything; school, his anniversary corvette, his family, and OJ Simpson. It was a great time and he was a treat to talk to. I didn’t know he was a twins fan at the time and I certainly didn’t know he took the home plate slab from Memorial stadium.

He dug up the home plate slab from Memorial Stadium. That’s something I would’ve done!

Good god, had I known that, I would’ve talked Twins with him for…ever probably.

-I stumbled on to this entry for some reason and it’s very Nostradamus-like

-The movie, “Friday” is one of the funniest movies in the history of man kind. If you haven’t seen it, go out and buy it!

-Twins are only 5 games out of the Wild Card…pff and some of these big shot Twins bloggers said it would be impossible to get back in the mix.

-that’s all I got.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

The Move (part 2)

A strangers light comes on slowly
A strangers heart without a home
You put your hands into your head
And then smiles cover your heart

Continued from yesterday…

What did I do?

I chose C because there was no god damn way that after 12 hours of moving in 101 degree heat that I was going to drive around and wait. There is absolutely no way.

Had I not moved that day I probably would’ve done something else because guys have this unwritten rule that if one is in the “middle of something” then it’s just really bad karma and a complete asshole move to interrupt such fun.

So I was conflicted on more than one topic.

Plus, I’m sure this guy had a bucket full of beers and to be a drunk and with your Johnson in someone’s mouth is a pretty vulnerable position to be in. Like if a deer was to dart out and scare the crap out of them, the guy would probably go and try to wrestle the deer until the deer understood that you don‘t scare a couple in the middle of a bj…then return to the bj.

I was this deer and I saw that door and darted.

I’m not terribly sneaky so I just went for it and I accidentally let the door kinda sorta slam behind me.

As I slammed that door I heard,
“OUCH AAAAAH!!!!!” and I basically started bolting to my door even faster. I sat in my new room completely freaked out that this dude just got his dick chomped off by my landlord.

Stranger, drunk, in the middle of a bj, and left with half a dick as a result of my darting is not a good place for Boof to be in.

I heard a yell from upstairs and I think the dude was yelling at me but I wasn’t going to leave my room. For all I know this guy is pissed at me for ignoring the unwritten guy rules and my landlord is completely freaked out.

Hell, I was expecting a naked dude with numb chucks to come barging through my door!

I woke up the next morning at 5am with another shout from upstairs. At this point I was pissed. I paid rent and I had every right to go to my room. If they want to do a bj in the garage --which is a complete ‘Wisconsin’ thing to do-- fine but I have to walk through that sight. What the hell was I supposed to do? Go back to my car and give my landlord a voicemail?

“uh yeah this is Tom, I’m just hanging out at the grocery store with all the other stoners and if you could just give me a call when your dude blows his load…that would be cool. Until then if you need anything from Cub let me know.”

The next morning I needed *needed* to take a shower…the stank was unbearable and I had plans! So I had to show my face to these people. Would the guy, still naked, lunge at me and show me his bitten off family jewels? Will my landlord be so freaked out that she’ll need a padded room?

I took my shower and no one was around.

I then went back to the bathroom to brush my teeth, nothing.

I then went up again and I heard this,

“Hey! Well, it seems that you’re having a better morning than us. Huhuh, we had a lot to drink last night and she’s a little hungover haha.”

I thought this was a little ploy to get me to come over and make nice UNTIL THEN HE BASHES ME IN THE HEAD WITH HIS WATERBOTTLE MAKING IT THE UNTIMELY END OF BOOF!

“haha my name is Tom by the way.”
“D, good to meet you”

And it seems as if we’re on good terms. , no bad blood, No 3/4 Johnson, no bad times.

No bad times means good times right?

I like good times!

So we were cool after that. I figure perhaps the dude remembers and is overcompensating his anger by being really nice to me and the landlord just forgot. The landlord has a tendency to forget things when she’s drunk because she’s already drunk dialed me and forgot about it the next day.

It seems to be the incident that no one is to mention. I fear that hell’s fury will reign down on me if I should mention this scenario to any one of the members.

So, for god’s sakes, don’t do bj’s in the garage. That’s just so ghetto!

Monday, July 17, 2006

The Move (part 1)

Seems I’ve got to have a change of scene
'cause every night i have the strangest dream
Imprisoned by the way things used to be
Left here on my own or so it seems
I've got to get out before i start to scream

I figured that it was time to move. Rent was getting too expensive and I fear the days of dropping stuff off my balcony and going to the bathroom with the door open, wide open, were numbered.

My new place is awesome. I have a golf course right outside my window, a sand trap 30ft away from my window (a great “jackass” type moment…I could murmur “jackass” as mr. bigshot golfer struggles in the trap), I have my own bathroom, walk-in closet, and it’s an overall damn good set-up. So I’m not missing my old place, wherever the hell it was anyway.

I started out my day of moving by waking up and immediately taking my bed apart. I thought about taking a shower but the idea of moving and 100 degree weather makes a shower basically pointless at this particular moment.

So…yadda yadda yadda…I’m having a pretty damn good move. My new room is starting to look like a room and I’m pleasantly surprised. The only thing that was a little off was that there was this shirtless man sleeping on the couch throughout the day. Whenever I would come in my new place I would yell out,
“hello? Anyone home? Hey HEY!” and nothing. No “hey, I’m over here” no nothing. I would pop my head around the corner and this man was on the couch. At one point, he even stared back at me like, “wtf do you want?”

Excuse me! If I’m going to entrust my personal belongings in the same household as this shirtless, old guy well, I at least want to know who this guy was. But I figured my landlord would come down and mention who the guy was or say something about this guy. Nah

At one point I heard a flushing sound from up the stairs from where my room was.
A flush.

That fucker used my bathroom! MY BATHROOM. The place where only me and VIPs go to excrete themselves. And he used it! This stranger. Who is just sleeping on the couch!

So I got a little irritated and continued on with the move. 11pm rolls around and I am completely exhausted. I have about 12 hours of sweat piled up and I didn’t even take a shower. At this moment I was dreaming about taking that cool shower (in MY shower) and then rolling off to bed.

I saw the garage door to my new place opened so I figured my landlord and her shirtless friend were enjoying some good times. Hey, I like good times…even if I’m tired. I could stop on over and tease the drunken folk.
Hey, good people, good drinks, good times.

I walk up the driveway (no, the car didn’t follow me this time) and I suddenly stop to the strangest sight.

Was that a naked man I just saw?

Nah, no way couldn’t have been.

I figured it was just some gayness that leaked into my imagination or something. Whatever, I shook it off and continued up the drive way.

I passed the parked cars in the driveway and I that’s when it was confirmed. There was a naked man just inside that garage door…and he’s looking up…and there’s a chair with a couple other feet protruding from his straddled feet.

I was right, there were good times in fact being had.

This naked guy was on the good end of a B-Jobber and the entrance to my place is like 5 feet behind this guy’s ass.


A) You run back to your car and drive around until this guy is “done”.

B) You have a question you need to ask your landlord and you approach and blurt out, “hey, I got a quick question about the drywall, do you mind if I drive some of those picture nails into my walls or are you not down with that?

C) you say ‘screw it’ and enter the door because you’re tired and there’s no way a BJ is going to prevent you from your sleep.

I’ll give you my rationale and answer this tomorrow. It’s time for my sleep.

BJ Crap

The look on your face yanks my neck on the chain
And I would do anything
To see you again
So I’ve fallen behind…

wow, there's nine letters in "etiquette". I did not know that.

Crap List

1. Bad BJ planning
I’ll elaborate more on this tomorrow but I accidentally came across a B-Jobber in progress. I cannot stand people who don’t think ahead when it comes to BJ’s or any other sexual act. Either figure it out if people will be seeing you or go the fleeting route and want people to see you. Don’t go in-between because then it’s just confusing.

Because you, as the observer, are now stuck because you don’t know if you’re supposed to be seeing this or if it’s a complete mistake. Are you supposed to continue what you’re doing? Do you try to tip toe around it? What is the role you should play?

Me, as I demonstrated last Saturday night, I don’t care where the BJ is being performed nor do I care who is involved because if there is an in progress BJ blocking me from doing my everyday needs I’m going to act like nothing is happening. If this BJ party gets mad, well I’m going to give them the best argument in the history of mankind because I need my damn sleep.

If President Bush and the First Lady were the ones in the middle of the BJ *shudders* I would walk right in front of them and slam the door just so they can learn something about giving BJ’s in plain view. I’d hope they jump up and GW gets teeth marks on his penis as a result of such a jump.

It’s a lot like the stupid kids who accidentally leave their porn in the VCR (remember those) just so their mom’s can come into the room and be engulfed in ‘Dances with Whores’ at that one key moment. I have no sympathy for those kids. That’s just terrible planning.

2. Torii Hunter
I knew this guy would come around and screw the Twins. July marks the month where the Twins had to figure out what to do with Hunter.
A) Trade him: Then the Twins could rape and pillage some other team’s farm system and save some money in the process. Of course this would also signal the end of the Twins ‘06 season.
B) Sign him to an extension: Then we wouldn’t have to pay him $12M next year (which is re-god damn-diculous) and then his price would be cheaper
C) do nothing: and let him become a free agent at the end of the year. Basically the Twins would get no value for him.

Now after his damn injury, it looks like “A” is out of the picture and B will be the decision the Twins will make. Now we’ll have to deal with this .250 “power hitter” in our lineup.

The guy is a great center fielder but he is not much more than a $6M player.

3. The ESPY’s
Does anyone watch this? Between the ESPY’s and the grammys, which one is more worthless? If I had a huge cabinet full of ESPY’s I would take a picture and send it to one of those websites because it would be the funniest thing ever.
“look at the idiot who collects ESPY’s” people would say as they point and laugh at the picture on the screen.

Maybe if you combine an ESPY, Grammy, and an MTV movie award then someone may give a damn!
Probably not though.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Jugband Blues Bits

It's an idea, someday
in my tears, my dreams
don't you want to see her proof?
Life that comes of no harm

-One thing I forgot to mention about Syd Barrett was the song “Jugband Blues”. Jugband Blues was one of the last Pink Floyd song that Syd wrote for the band and it could easily be the most chilling Pink Floyd song in their catalog.

At the time the band was flirting with doing away with Syd. The lyrics in this song sugest that Syd knew this but he couldn’t help it

“And I wonder who could be writing this song” is one hell of a lyric for Syd and his condition at that time.

Take a listen and try to figure out if he’s being sincere or sarcastic. I can’t really figure it out.

-I took the baseball test on and I was disappointed to find out that I only got 20 out of 50 questions right. Then again, “I’m not a good test taker” so there.

A couple things I did learn

-I have always wondered why so many of the Yankees retired numbers were single digits. I thought perhaps single digits were considered the best like number one would be coveted or something. Apparently in the twenties when they first brought up the idea of numbering jerseys, the Yankees would number their players according to the batting order: lead off would be 1, on deck would be 2, in the hole would be 3 and so on.
Which leads to why Babe Ruth was 3 and Gehrig was 4 since they were THE best 3 and 4 hitters of all time.
-”Cy” in Cy Young was a complete nickname. I though maybe Cy would stand for…uh…cydney or something but it’s short for cyclone. So one could say that Bartolo Colon won the Cyclone Young award for the AL last year.

-Johan Santana and Francisco Liriano are actually being compared to Sandy Koufax and Don Drysdale

-I just found out that I am related (in some long and drawn out family tree) to the Lienenkugel’s as in Honey Weiss or Berry Weiss. It doesn’t matter though because it’s not like I can stroll into the brewery and say,

“Hey…you! You know who I am? I’m your uh cousin’s cousin’s uncle’s sisters daughters cousin’s grandfathers mistress’s kid’s father’s daughter’s uh…yadda yadda yadda kid. Can I have a little sippy sippy?” and instead of giving me a sippy sippy, they’d throw me out.

Then again, I’m probably related to everyone in Iowa so I guess it doesn’t matter.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

The Crazy Diamond

you and I,
you and I and dominoes,
the day goes by...

For those who don’t know, Syd was the reason why Pink Floyd came about. Some might be a little baffled how a person who’s stayed out of the public for over 30 years would still have an influence to music today. Syd in fact came up with the name "Pink Floyd" by using the names of two obscure blues artists (Pink Anderson and Floyd Council).

Take David Bowie for example, he sang Arnold Layne in tribute to the late Syd Barrett.

By the way, as always, whatever I say isn’t “the deal” but just a collection of books, articles, and websites that I have read throughout the years.

Back in the 60’s Barrett founded and the was the force that spearheaded the group known as Pink Floyd. Playing at the UFO club they quickly rose in the ranks of British pop groups to a point where the who’s who (the Beatles and The Who) of British pop became fans of the early carnation of Pink Floyd.

For their first album, Piper At the Gates of Dawn, Syd wrote nearly every track and was the major drive for all the songs. It seemed to be much like Credence Clearwater Revival and how John Fogerty was pretty much THE band (much to the chagrin of Credence Clearwater Revisited which is just plain stupid).

He had a lyrical style so simple but with a weird twist. For instance in the song Arnold Layne, the song sounds like a catch pop song. If you listen to the lyrics, it’s about some dude stealing panties.
They played this song on the radio even!

As they were touring for Piper, the band found it harder and harder to play with Syd with his experimentation in LSD which is why Pink Floyd is probably why Pink Floyd is labeled a “drug band”. During this period the band was playing for many commercial shows like American Bandstand and the Pat Boone show. As they were taping the Pat Boone show Syd would practice with the band but when it came time to tape the show, he would stare off into the distance as his band mates would play. Getting Syd to play was tedious at best.

On the stage the band found that he would trail off and change lyrics haphazardly. He would also play erratically and make the songs very confusing for the rest of the band members. As this was happening the band asked David Gilmour, a childhood friend of Syd, to fill in and to be the eventual replacement.

Syd Barrett was eventually neglected for gigs after the band got sick of putting up with him. It was as this point where Pink Floyd was without a visionary, lyricist, and any real sense of direction. The band never saw Syd again for about 7 years.

As it turns out Roger Waters stepped up to become one of the best lyricists ever and the band did…okay.

It is interesting to know as the band was recording “Wish You Were Here”, the conceptual tribute to Syd Barrett, there was a bald (hey nothing against bald guys), overweight, and odd looking fellow who the band thought was a custodian. This man stayed throughout the recording until he approached someone and offered to help out with recording. After a closer look the band was stunned to find that it was indeed Syd Barrett who had found his way to Abbey Road Studios. It was the first time they had seen their old friend in years. It was also said that it was during the recording of “Shine On You Crazy Diamond” which was a song for Syd.

As for the albums after Piper, Syd’s presence remained on most of Pink Floyd’s albums. Dark Side contained the lines,
“And when the band you’re in starts playing different tunes…” which is inspired by Syd.

The character of Pink Floyd in The Wall is highly inspired by Syd Barrett and recently David Gilmour would purposely add a Barrett song to his set-list just so he could make sure his childhood friend would receive his share of royalties.

It’s amazing how such a front man could be such an enigma for all these years and was known as a front man even though he never performed on stage for almost 40 years. Had Live 8 never happened last year I’m sure this would be the event that would bring the band together.

Woah, Syd's Dead

Syd Barrett, troubled genius of Pink Floyd, dead at 60

Syd Barrett, the troubled genius who co-founded Pink Floyd but spent his last years in reclusive anonymity, has died, a spokeswoman for the band said today. He was 60.

*I must point out that the article is incorrect. Syd did not start the band with David Gilmour, he started the band with Mason, Wright, and Roger Waters. Gilmour pretty much replaced him.
sheesh, you'd think they'd get it right.

So play the album "Wish You Were Here" if you have the chance. It was inspired by him afterall.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

PULSE, Today!

And for one desperate moment
There she crept back in his memory
God it's so painful when something that's so close
Is still so far out of reach

It was last year at this time when the most amazing event in the history of the world and other galaxies took place. For one weekend I pretty much shut myself inside my apartment and eagerly awaiting senior citizens to take stage and make the impossible happen.

Pink Floyd reunited for one 20 minute performance and it completely made my day (hell, my year in fact)

Basically, just go back one year and read all about it.

Now today the one item that I’ve been waiting for years to come out hit’s the shelves. Heck, when I bought my significant other (my tv) I dreamt about sitting on my couch and watching this performance and absorbing everything until I break down and pass out with my eyes open the very day I purchased my baby.

Pink Floyd’s, PULSE, comes out today!

As a connoisseur of music dvd’s I can confidently say that this is better than Queen: Live at Wembly Arena, head above shoulders to U2 Live in Boston, and even more special then the Night for George. Basically I remember viewing this concert as a VHS--on video tape no less--in constant awe over the unbelievable light show and how great the music was.

Now this same concert is digital! I can sit and float in 5.1, surround sound, commentary, digitalized delight because this concert will be in the palm of my hands at 10am today.

As for the delays, here’s what they (EMI) did to us fans. Something like four years ago they announce that they were in the process of compiling stuff together to make the PULSE dvd which made Pink Floyd junkies like me salivating over such a thought. Then it was delayed because there was a disagreement or a mishap of some sort and it was delayed. Not a big deal because it would probably come out in the next couple months I figured.

Nope, they came out with another release date which was something like a year later--then delayed.
Another date, delayed
And again it happened.
And again!

Finally 6 months ago they finally got smart and came out with a release date of September 21 of 2006 which was ridiculously long term. Us fans figured this has *HAS* to be the date, but of course we took it with a grain of sand.

I mean we’ve already been teased with all the goodies that comes with this concert like the music videos of Learning to Fly and Take it Back, and the films shown on the back-drop during concert, and more songs. We (probably just me) craved this dvd. We needed this dvd like a fat kid needs cake.

Live 8 certainly helped stave the anticipation for such a dvd but PULSE was always in the back of my dvd buying mind. I couldn’t wait to watch the light show to “One of These Days” or the scene at the end of “eclipse”. Today I’ll get to see it.

If it gets delayed again…I’m gonna be mad though.

Like really, really mad!

Monday, July 10, 2006

World Cup Crap

Youll be doin society a favor.
That sonofabitch is brave and gettin braver.
We want to put his ass in stir
We want to pin this triple murder on him
He aint no gentleman jim.

Crap List

-Road Construction
I believe one of the best ways to do road construction would be to have a huge company with tens of thousands of workers do all the road work around the country. Then each major city would have one weekend where all the major roads are closed down for massive construction and repair. The folks of Townsville would be warned like a year in advance with hourly reminders on all media type leading up to said construction.

That’s kinda like what’s going on here. Except they don’t have many warnings and there are miscellaneous patches of open road in-between long stretches of construction.

It’s crazy. This weekend it seemed as if half of 494/694 was all being repaired for some reason. 94 here in St. Paul was down to one lane for most of the weekend. I found out HW36 will be shut down almost ENTIRELY for most of next year (HW 36!!!!!), and even the local neighborhood has construction going on.

Come next year at this time, I would hope that these improvements are so good that I drive around and go,
“oooooh wow! That’s the nicest stretch of pavement my eyes have ever seen.” and I drive around in awe.

I took the same route in two weeks and both were completely different. One week it was basically point A-point B. The next time it was point A-to point X-to point T-take a detour through Roseville-point V-detour through St. Cloud-point Q-to finally at point B.

I’ll be a happier guy once we have flying cars.

-out dooped

Not that it takes much to out-doop me or anything but...
We made plans to go to the pub yesterday to watch the final game of the World Cup. It was kind of nice because in the last month some of us would try to catch morning games and would filter in and out of the pub throughout the month, so for the last game it just seemed natural that we all had to see the event through.

We made calls and plans to come to the pub early to reserve half the pub so we could pig out on the brunch buffet on the convenient qualities of a table (maybe even three pushed together). I get the paper and I like the feel of Sunday mornings (and I’m not expecting to be hungover) so I volunteered to come to the pub at 11am (2 hours before the match) so I could reserve some tables and stools.

When I arrived at the pub (11:15, a little late) I walked in confidently only to find one person at each table who already had a better plan than I did (arriving earlier than 11:15). The place wasn’t packed but there was one person reserving each table in the entire joint. These guys were all the representatives of their respective group of friends.

We did end up getting a decent seat but it sucks that I couldn’t get one of those illustrious “tables” but oh well.

By the way, the place wasn’t just ‘standing room only’ during the match, it was probably at capacity in the place. Like if the fire Marshall decided to show up, he’d probably blow his helmet off with all the people in the pub. Basically reserving space (any kind of space) was good enough.

-my nail clipper
I can’t find the damn thing right now… Dammit.

Friday, July 07, 2006

Three Phases of Horror

And the wind keeps roaring
And the sky keeps turning grey
And the sun is set again
The sun will rise another day

Twas a beautiful Saturday afternoon and I was arriving to my date’s house to pick her up for our 2nd date. The first date (which was pretty much a blind one) seemed to go pretty well and (to those who know me) miraculously, I didn’t say or do anything stupid. After such a good time, we both agreed to this 2nd date.

2nd dates seem to be the dates you learn the most from people. Perhaps both parties just had a really good day on the last date but are still incompatible. Perhaps one was dishing a load of crap just to be accepted or admired. This 2nd date allows both people to plow through the crap and learn about each other.

Before hand I cleaned myself up pretty well and made sure I didn’t do anything stupid like run out of gas or something. I had bought my date a flower since I thought it would be a nice thing to do and I think I was ready for the night.

As I arrived to my date’s house I had an influx of questions I was asking myself:

Ok inside this beautiful house I have an attractive woman who is waiting for me, let’s not screw this up. What do I do when I see her at the door step? Do I embrace her? Do I do the ‘peck on the cheek’ thing? Do I kiss her on the lips? Will her family be there? Will her Father want a ‘sit down’ with me leaving the great possibility of me saying something completely stupid? Is the flower too cheesy? Will she like it? Am I late… yadda yadda yadda.

I finally got out of the car and took the flower with me. I made a few paces up her driveway when I stopped and took a deep breath and cleaned the schmootz off my face. Through the corner of my eye I saw a slow moving vehicle threatening to run me over. Like an obedient lap-dog, my car followed me up the driveway…

My car is not supposed to follow me up the driveway.

(This is where you should play the Benny Hill theme if you have it around)

With my eyes slightly wide and the adrenalin pumping I was watching my car, without a driver, making it’s way up my date’s driveway and thus, the first phase of horror was apparent on my face.

No need to worry though, the car was still a good 15 feet away from their garage door and I’m agile like a fox. Still holding the flower, I leapt back to the driver’s side door and reached my hand in the handle.

My breath grew short and my eyes grew even wider because the 2nd phase of horror hit me.

The door was locked.

I’m an eagle scout --a moronic one at that-- and I had an extra key in my wallet for such times but there was no way I could dig it out in time.

Still holding that flower I stepped back and watched this terrible situation unfold. I put my hands on my head, wide eyed, jaw dropped, and bellowing out a short whimper as the 3rd phase of horror hit me.

My car was idling its way to this garage door.

So, to recap
I locked my keys in my car
I locked my keys in my car with the car running
I locked my keys in my car with the car running and it’s in DRIVE
Also said car is slowly making it’s way to my date’s garage
Check that, my date’s FAMILY’S garage

For a split moment I thought maybe the neighbors were filming this so I could be on the next Southwest Airlines commercial with the graphic,

Wanna get away?

Instead of the questions going through my mind about what to do on the doorstep, I now had a plethora of new questions,
Will my car break through their garage? How much will the damages be? Should I just leave a post-it note on their door and say that, “I’ve gone to Dairy Queen and I’ll be back to start over in a half hour”, is this the stupidest thing I have ever done? Exactly what kind of impression does this put on parents when their date leaves their car in drive, running, and hits their garage? Perhaps this will be a spectacular end to whatever nice time we had last week.


My car went into the garage door and I just about passed out holding my date’s flower.
Miraculously the door held back my car which gave me plenty of time to open it, back it up, and try to figure out what the hell I’m going to say.

After I PARKED the car, I looked at the garage door and, I swear to god, it looked like I dented the hell out of it. I know how dads can be when it comes to their garages. For my dad, I believe one of the greatest things in his world is when he starts bragging about his heated garage. Then dad’s have the tv and cable, the pin ups hidden away, and an old radio blaring from somewhere and the last thing I they need is the imprint of a Grand Am through the front.

As I looked at the garage door I was waiting for a leather skinned man wearing overalls to come running around the corner,
“What the hell did you do to my garage and what the hell are you doing with my daughter?” as he gracefully points his shotgun to my crotch.

No one came so I arrived to the doorstep and I had already forgotten nearly everything that I was thinking about on my way there. The one previous thought of, ‘Don’t screw this up’ was taunting me at this moment. I stood there in wide eyed bewilderment holding my date’s flower as I rang the doorbell.

She arrived at the door with a happy smile.

“These are for you.” I said as I gave her the flower
“awww nice, I’ll be right back out in a second.”
“ahhhh, hold on, I gotta tell ya something though…”

So I told her about the dumbest thing that I had ever done. She says,
“oh, well I’ve already hit this garage door and I don’t even notice anything.”
I don’t know if she was lying to make me feel better or if she had in fact hit the garage but it sure as hell made me feel better.

And so the beautiful Saturday afternoon and the 2nd date began.

So if any of you happen to do something totally stupid in the future, just remember this story and think,
“Well, at least I’m not as stupid as Boof” and then you’ll feel better.
My gift to you.

For the record, the date went pretty well..that is, for crashing a car into their garage door.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

4th Bits

I must’ve dreamed a thousand dreams
Been haunted by a million screams
But I can hear the marching feet
They’re moving into the street.

-I’ve decided that the best way to end my life would be to skydive over San Francisco when suddenly my chute doesn’t go off. Then I would splat right onto the golden gate bridge. I think that would be awesome!

2nd place would be me being trapped in a fireworks factory and (for some reason) there is a massive, giant wick that would branch out to everything from bombs, to bottle rockets, to those whistling spinny things, to huge snakes. Then I know I would at least die with an extreme smile on my face.

-I’ve been wondering what the best part of lighting fireworks is. Is it the actual fountain and the bright lights and the crackling sounds? Or is it the lighting of the wick?

See I’ve always loved lighting the wick because when you see those sparkleys making their way down that rope, it’s like breathtaking in a pyromaniac kinda way. It’s kinda like setting a Christmas tree from ‘04 on fire knowing that the flames will go 6 feet in the air. For my birthday if I got a 30ft wick, I think I would actually be happy. hmmm

-I remember this one time at my grandparents we had bottle rockets but we were without bottles (so we used cans instead). Anyway, so I go to light this bottle rocket (which was on this trailor) and I jolt away after the wick was lit. My movement made the can fall over and suddenly there was a lit bottle rocket which was crotch high.

Said bottle rocket never hit anyone’s crotch but it was totally extreme though!

-It’s really disturbing that the Twins can win something shocking like forever of their last forever games and then lose to guys named Duckworth and Gobble and the fucking Royals of all teams.

It’s really damn disgusting.

-that’s all I got…

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Just Riding the Wave...

Lightning crashes, a new mother cries
This moment shes been waiting for
The angel opens her eyes

So this entry might be darn right appalling and disgusting if you haven’t had an awesome streak that I’ve been having lately. The past month has been so good that I’m kinda/sorta freaked out that the law of averages will come out and “average” up things a bit.

As a result of this, here, crap-blog I have come to the conclusion that everyone thinks I’m a cranky ass hardcore--no, terminally insane--Twins fan. Well, I’m not terminally insane that much.
But my good streak started when I read this,
“Twins release third baseman Batista” which, at the time, made me jump up and down and jump around like a monkey on my balcony.

Since then,

-Twins traded Juan Castro
-Won almost every game they’ve played
-I found out I’d be going on days which means I wouldn’t have to deal with fuck-face as much.
-I got a raise.
-Found out I’m moving to a place where there’s a sand trap right outside my window
-$400 less a month for rent
-crashed into my date’s family’s garage and still had a good night (story on Friday).
-I may have found someone that can put up with me.
-like 5 breakfast buffets at the local pub
-2 sweet Pearl Jam/Tom Petty shows
-I got the sweetest jersey in the history of mankind
-ummm haven’t been fired yet
-I still have all my teeth
-and that’s it…

But my point is,
Tony Batista really sucked and the Twins are a better team for have gotten rid of him.

I hope everyone had a great 4th and you blew up a lot of stuff.