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Monday, July 17, 2006

The Move (part 1)

Seems I’ve got to have a change of scene
'cause every night i have the strangest dream
Imprisoned by the way things used to be
Left here on my own or so it seems
I've got to get out before i start to scream

I figured that it was time to move. Rent was getting too expensive and I fear the days of dropping stuff off my balcony and going to the bathroom with the door open, wide open, were numbered.

My new place is awesome. I have a golf course right outside my window, a sand trap 30ft away from my window (a great “jackass” type moment…I could murmur “jackass” as mr. bigshot golfer struggles in the trap), I have my own bathroom, walk-in closet, and it’s an overall damn good set-up. So I’m not missing my old place, wherever the hell it was anyway.

I started out my day of moving by waking up and immediately taking my bed apart. I thought about taking a shower but the idea of moving and 100 degree weather makes a shower basically pointless at this particular moment.

So…yadda yadda yadda…I’m having a pretty damn good move. My new room is starting to look like a room and I’m pleasantly surprised. The only thing that was a little off was that there was this shirtless man sleeping on the couch throughout the day. Whenever I would come in my new place I would yell out,
“hello? Anyone home? Hey HEY!” and nothing. No “hey, I’m over here” no nothing. I would pop my head around the corner and this man was on the couch. At one point, he even stared back at me like, “wtf do you want?”

Excuse me! If I’m going to entrust my personal belongings in the same household as this shirtless, old guy well, I at least want to know who this guy was. But I figured my landlord would come down and mention who the guy was or say something about this guy. Nah

At one point I heard a flushing sound from up the stairs from where my room was.
A flush.

That fucker used my bathroom! MY BATHROOM. The place where only me and VIPs go to excrete themselves. And he used it! This stranger. Who is just sleeping on the couch!

So I got a little irritated and continued on with the move. 11pm rolls around and I am completely exhausted. I have about 12 hours of sweat piled up and I didn’t even take a shower. At this moment I was dreaming about taking that cool shower (in MY shower) and then rolling off to bed.

I saw the garage door to my new place opened so I figured my landlord and her shirtless friend were enjoying some good times. Hey, I like good times…even if I’m tired. I could stop on over and tease the drunken folk.
Hey, good people, good drinks, good times.

I walk up the driveway (no, the car didn’t follow me this time) and I suddenly stop to the strangest sight.

Was that a naked man I just saw?

Nah, no way couldn’t have been.

I figured it was just some gayness that leaked into my imagination or something. Whatever, I shook it off and continued up the drive way.

I passed the parked cars in the driveway and I that’s when it was confirmed. There was a naked man just inside that garage door…and he’s looking up…and there’s a chair with a couple other feet protruding from his straddled feet.

I was right, there were good times in fact being had.

This naked guy was on the good end of a B-Jobber and the entrance to my place is like 5 feet behind this guy’s ass.


A) You run back to your car and drive around until this guy is “done”.

B) You have a question you need to ask your landlord and you approach and blurt out, “hey, I got a quick question about the drywall, do you mind if I drive some of those picture nails into my walls or are you not down with that?

C) you say ‘screw it’ and enter the door because you’re tired and there’s no way a BJ is going to prevent you from your sleep.

I’ll give you my rationale and answer this tomorrow. It’s time for my sleep.


The Steph said...

I have the feeling that you are going to be able to do a reality TV show based on your new residence. Ummmm...good luck with Ugly Naked Guy.

Aliecat said...

You forgot about the fourth option:

4) "Hey, can I get one too?"