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Friday, July 07, 2006

Three Phases of Horror

And the wind keeps roaring
And the sky keeps turning grey
And the sun is set again
The sun will rise another day

Twas a beautiful Saturday afternoon and I was arriving to my date’s house to pick her up for our 2nd date. The first date (which was pretty much a blind one) seemed to go pretty well and (to those who know me) miraculously, I didn’t say or do anything stupid. After such a good time, we both agreed to this 2nd date.

2nd dates seem to be the dates you learn the most from people. Perhaps both parties just had a really good day on the last date but are still incompatible. Perhaps one was dishing a load of crap just to be accepted or admired. This 2nd date allows both people to plow through the crap and learn about each other.

Before hand I cleaned myself up pretty well and made sure I didn’t do anything stupid like run out of gas or something. I had bought my date a flower since I thought it would be a nice thing to do and I think I was ready for the night.

As I arrived to my date’s house I had an influx of questions I was asking myself:

Ok inside this beautiful house I have an attractive woman who is waiting for me, let’s not screw this up. What do I do when I see her at the door step? Do I embrace her? Do I do the ‘peck on the cheek’ thing? Do I kiss her on the lips? Will her family be there? Will her Father want a ‘sit down’ with me leaving the great possibility of me saying something completely stupid? Is the flower too cheesy? Will she like it? Am I late… yadda yadda yadda.

I finally got out of the car and took the flower with me. I made a few paces up her driveway when I stopped and took a deep breath and cleaned the schmootz off my face. Through the corner of my eye I saw a slow moving vehicle threatening to run me over. Like an obedient lap-dog, my car followed me up the driveway…

My car is not supposed to follow me up the driveway.

(This is where you should play the Benny Hill theme if you have it around)

With my eyes slightly wide and the adrenalin pumping I was watching my car, without a driver, making it’s way up my date’s driveway and thus, the first phase of horror was apparent on my face.

No need to worry though, the car was still a good 15 feet away from their garage door and I’m agile like a fox. Still holding the flower, I leapt back to the driver’s side door and reached my hand in the handle.

My breath grew short and my eyes grew even wider because the 2nd phase of horror hit me.

The door was locked.

I’m an eagle scout --a moronic one at that-- and I had an extra key in my wallet for such times but there was no way I could dig it out in time.

Still holding that flower I stepped back and watched this terrible situation unfold. I put my hands on my head, wide eyed, jaw dropped, and bellowing out a short whimper as the 3rd phase of horror hit me.

My car was idling its way to this garage door.

So, to recap
I locked my keys in my car
I locked my keys in my car with the car running
I locked my keys in my car with the car running and it’s in DRIVE
Also said car is slowly making it’s way to my date’s garage
Check that, my date’s FAMILY’S garage

For a split moment I thought maybe the neighbors were filming this so I could be on the next Southwest Airlines commercial with the graphic,

Wanna get away?

Instead of the questions going through my mind about what to do on the doorstep, I now had a plethora of new questions,
Will my car break through their garage? How much will the damages be? Should I just leave a post-it note on their door and say that, “I’ve gone to Dairy Queen and I’ll be back to start over in a half hour”, is this the stupidest thing I have ever done? Exactly what kind of impression does this put on parents when their date leaves their car in drive, running, and hits their garage? Perhaps this will be a spectacular end to whatever nice time we had last week.


My car went into the garage door and I just about passed out holding my date’s flower.
Miraculously the door held back my car which gave me plenty of time to open it, back it up, and try to figure out what the hell I’m going to say.

After I PARKED the car, I looked at the garage door and, I swear to god, it looked like I dented the hell out of it. I know how dads can be when it comes to their garages. For my dad, I believe one of the greatest things in his world is when he starts bragging about his heated garage. Then dad’s have the tv and cable, the pin ups hidden away, and an old radio blaring from somewhere and the last thing I they need is the imprint of a Grand Am through the front.

As I looked at the garage door I was waiting for a leather skinned man wearing overalls to come running around the corner,
“What the hell did you do to my garage and what the hell are you doing with my daughter?” as he gracefully points his shotgun to my crotch.

No one came so I arrived to the doorstep and I had already forgotten nearly everything that I was thinking about on my way there. The one previous thought of, ‘Don’t screw this up’ was taunting me at this moment. I stood there in wide eyed bewilderment holding my date’s flower as I rang the doorbell.

She arrived at the door with a happy smile.

“These are for you.” I said as I gave her the flower
“awww nice, I’ll be right back out in a second.”
“ahhhh, hold on, I gotta tell ya something though…”

So I told her about the dumbest thing that I had ever done. She says,
“oh, well I’ve already hit this garage door and I don’t even notice anything.”
I don’t know if she was lying to make me feel better or if she had in fact hit the garage but it sure as hell made me feel better.

And so the beautiful Saturday afternoon and the 2nd date began.

So if any of you happen to do something totally stupid in the future, just remember this story and think,
“Well, at least I’m not as stupid as Boof” and then you’ll feel better.
My gift to you.

For the record, the date went pretty well..that is, for crashing a car into their garage door.


Aliecat said...

So, where did you meet this girl? Are you going to marry her? Haha! Kidding!

The Steph said...

**Note To Others Reading This Story** Don't read said story while drinking hot chicken noodle soup. AHHHHHAHAHHAHAHAH

Boof's Date said...

I did have a really nice time though ...

Anonymous said...

I don't think her dad will have any problem with you. He already knows you were unable to, "park your car in the garage", even when you weren't trying.

Hannes said...

Wow! Really! That's awesome funny!

Orbitron19 said...

That was HILARIOUS! Everyone at Starbucks is looking at me funny because I laughed out loud. Dude, this is a good sign. You can't possibly screw up any worse....can you??

Boof's Date said...

at least he didn't do it the next time we went out. (That would have been quite humorous if he did though)

Barry Metropolis said...

If that actually happened, it is possibly the one of the funniest 2nd dates stories in the history of man. To borrow a phrase, you can't make it up.

Boof's Date said...

The more I think about it, this 2nd date story will live on, in history, forever. Its the stuff urban legends in which urban ledgends are made.

Boof said...

every word is 100% true.

yeah, I'm awesome as hell

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