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Thursday, August 31, 2006

Not the Penny Arcade!

Life is bigger
Its bigger than you
And you are not me
The lengths that I will go to
The distance in your eyes

-Steph told me the bad news yesterday. I have learned that the penny arcade at the Minnesota State Fair is no more. Truly this has been my biggest loss in my life for the penny arcade is the one building that was the epicenter of fun from my childhood.

How could they get rid of the penny arcade?! For what reason does one think, “ah that penny arcade on Dan Patch ave needs to go”? Who could be so cruel?

I think every year my parents too me to the fair the sentence “I’ll be at the arcade” was muttered at least four times a day.

I’ll always remember how there was one dude every year that would play the same song over and over again. One year it was that Patty Smyth/Don Henley song and another year Aerosmith’s Ragdoll was constantly being pumped throughout the day.

The penny arcade has been there since 1643 (I think) and it was so special because it had old school games like that game where you are in a jet and you move around shooting other jets while collecting items…god I love that game.

Of course my favorite memory is when my dad took me and my bro to the race at the grandstand when he was trying to get us hooked on NASCAR. I told him I had to go to the bathroom and 4 hours later without returning he found me in the penny arcade. He ripped me a new one in front of thousands of people. Oh memories.

-Lets say Jason Kubel hit a ground ball to…say Madison, Wisconsin, my grandma could pick up the baseball and throw it in the general vicinity of Minneapolis and still throw out Kubel at first base.

-I was reading up on the new Minneapolis library and it sounds like the sweetest library in the history of the world. The architecture of the place is really cool and I also could walk around with my laptop and surf the net since it has wifi everywhere.

Hell in a couple years I could walk all around Minneapolis and get WiFi everywhere with what they want to do. It sounds like all of Minneapolis will be hooked up for wireless and for $20 a month no less. That should be enough to make Comcast cry.

-A warning to everyone that plays around with On-Demand at night, don’t watch the history of pizza. Do not watch this because it is basically porn. After watching this I found out that deep dish pizza is about as Italian as bratwurst since some dude from Texas came up with the idea. I also found out that I really don’t give a damn since deep dish pizza is the absolute bomb and if you wanted to torture me just eat some deep dish pizza right in front of me. If that were to happen I would probably break free of my chains, lock myself in the bathroom with the pizza, and eat it. I’d be the Jack Bauer of pizza lovers.

As I was watching this show I was watching all this old advertising of pizza with the melted cheese all strung out and the grease bubbles bubbling up. It had to get pizza the next day…and I wasn’t even that hungry.

So don’t watch this program unless you have pizza right in front of you.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Two Years?

Head at your feet. Fool to your crown.
Fist on my plate. Swallowed it down.
Enmity gauged. United by fear.
Tried to endure what I could not forgive.

Somehow, someway I have managed to do this blogging thing for a whole two years and thus today being my blog birthday thing. I expect a Dairy Queen cake on my desk for work later today.

For my two year mark I just want to talk a bit about how friggin weird blogging is. For instance I have talked to and mingled (online of course) with a bunch of people for months and yet I have never met them. And for the people that I have met and participate online--it’s even weirder. I guess it’s because, in the rhelm of the internet superhighway, I have found my Ecubicle and have met all the Epeople (bloggin buddies) that sit around me and my Echair. Basically it’s another world and I’ll even read some of the stuff I write and it sounds like someone else completely.

I’ve had people call me up and go,
“Hey Boof”
And I’ll be like ‘WTF’ temporarily and then remember that I have this blog-thing going and “Boof” is my blog. Basically, in real life I try not to associate with this blog at all basically because it feels strange to talk about it.

In fact, I almost dislike talking about this blog in real life because it seems like a paradoxical type thing. Blogging, for me, is like an extension of my imagination and I forget that people read it. It’s like sitting at the lunch table eating your own cheetos when someone comes up to you and says,

“you can’t stop thinking about her can you?”

Sure enough he hit the bulls-eye but you never gave the dude any kind of clues. It’s like he read your mind or something and now you wonder what else he knows.

Hell, in the last couple weeks people have been reminding me of that bj in the garage and I’ll briefly wonder how the hell they knew about it.

It’s like you people are in my mind…man. I

I dunno, the whole real world bloggin thing is kinda crazy at least for me, but I really like it.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

The Overcast Pub

So I call up my preacher
I say: gimme strenght for round 5
He said: you dont need no strength, you need to grow up, son
I said: growing up leads to growing old and then to dying,
And dying to me dont sound like all that much fun

“I’m going to take DeAngelo Williams” said whomever drafted right before me.

I really wanted Williams and I was salivating as my pick was approaching. When he was taken I felt kinda pissed…from the inside. It was at that point I had a revelation and found myself projecting my irritation onto an event that had nothing but good times to be had. Like I said before, I like good times.

Projection is a pretty wierd thing because it's completely subconscience and you could be eating fries and find a green one and be like, "God! Shit! What the hell!?" when it's just the obligatory green fry.

Honestly, I’m kind of frustrated (not right NOW now…I just found out that beef jerky was healthy food so again, like the wireless internet, I’m kinda stoked). I think I’m at the point in the personal cycle where I’m finding that things could be better and doing the whole grass is greener thing. Basically everything I’m looking at seems to be towards the negative and not in that scary “everything-sucks”way--It’s like the evaluation day where ‘there is no such thing as perfection and we gotta find some way to prevent this guy from receiving a raise’ kinda thing. I’m weighing my options.

I guess things could be worse too because I could be stuck watching the Packers right now or having to withstand a wedding involving someone I don’t really care about. Those would be much worse things to deal with I’m sure.

I think what I need is some sort of a place where people can bitch and then laugh at less privileged people and not have to worry about the bad karma from the laughing. A place full of stress balls and those little hutch footballs that you can throw about three miles. Then with that hutch get a game of tackle going against a bunch of racist loudmouths and pound their teeth in.

Of course there would be drinks served afterwards which means that I would have to open a bar for this purpose.

I would call this bar…the…Kick Your Motherfuckin Ass Pub
No wait…Overcast Pub

Hmmmm yeah (PATENT PENDING) that’s a pretty good name for my bar. It will be like cheers and I’ll be the Sam Malone guy. HDTV’s all around with HD service. For Sundays I’ll have a huge wall with like 300 HDTV’s and all with a different game on so everyone can watch every game at the same time. It will be ADD paradise. Then for the volume we’ll have one circular switch with 300 stops so you can listen to any TV you want.

All food will be doused in gravy as well.

That’s awesome.

Monday, August 28, 2006

Wireless Crap

The waiting is the hardest part
Every day you see one more card
You take it on faith, you take it to the heart
The waiting is the hardest part

Crap List

1. Any pitcher other than Johan Santana for Cy Young
It’s last year all over again. Roy Halliday is now the favorite for Cy Young according to those idiots at ESPN. One guy even went as far as to say Justin Verlander for Cy Young. Justin Verlander (aka: Mr. NOT August).

They are basing all this off of one stat and the stat isn’t really a ‘pitcher’s stat’. They are basing this completely on the pitcher’s record which is bull shit. If a pitcher can throw a complete game shutout and STILL take a loss then the stat is bullshit. Santana leads in ERA, K’s, WHIP, and K/9: the REAL pitcher’s stats and still everyone ignores all that for wins.

When I get my own sports network I am going to make sure the Twins lead every broadcast and if it’s the off-season we’ll still have stories about how great they are.
That’s what I would do!

2. People who are gone
I had something to submit last week at work so I submit it to a certain individual. The next day I find out that the person is on vacation until the end of the week so I submit it to the next individual.

Come back the next day and she’s on vacation… go through the process again,
And THAT person is gone. I spent a week trying to get one thing ready for next week and no one is around to help me. FOUR PEOPLE, and they are all gone for the week! Whenever you need one person, they are never around. Never!

Oh but they’re always around when you don’t need them.


I guess I don’t have much to bitch about. I’m actually happy because I have my wireless working and I can literally walk around the house and surf the net…if I had another arm of course but I could sit on the crapper and surf the net if I wanted to. How’s that for efficiency.

I could surf porn by the mail box waiting for the mailman.

I could watch a baseball game as take a blowjob in the garage

I could add new myspace friends as I sit in my roommate’s tanning bed…that is, if I wanted to sit in a tanning bed

I could talk on IM while I throw golf balls from the deck at the sorry son of a bitches stuck in the sand trap.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Other Stuff

You wanted to get somewhere so badly
You had to lose yourself along the way.
You changed your name
Well that's okay, it's necessary
And what you leave behind you don't miss anyway.

-My roommate thinks I’m a hermit because I refuse to watch tv in the “living room” instead of my room. She’s offered the living room every time she’s been in and the first time I told her that I prefer to watch in my room thinking she'd stop offering.

Reason being, In my room I have a 52” HDTV with a DVD player hooked up which is already hooked up to HD goodness, 5.1 surround sound, and the internet right there.

In the “living room” she has this 32” 1994 Panasonic tube thingy (non HD) with a VCR hooked up to which I can’t figure out the remote.

She’s seen my tv (my baby) and she still doesn’t understand why I don’t sit an watch TV in the living room.


I think this is more of a gender thing than a generational deal because every woman who I’ve talked HD with has always asked,
“is there really a big difference?”
To which I will slap them mercilessly and reply,
“yes you bitch, a BIG difference!”

I’ll admit also, that I don’t care to watch tv up there because I don’t have a huge need to see her. I mean last weekend she was having phone sex in the kitchen.

RM: Hey baldy, don’t mind me, I’m having phone sex okay?
Boof; uh yeah cool. Whatever
RM:…-so then I’ll take that ear of corn and….

She’s cool in small doses.

-I know I’m like 5 years late in saying this but…that last episode of “24” (first season) was sooooo god damn cool! I was in bed watching and pumping my fists and saying my “OOOH’s” and “WOOOAAAHHH’s” to the point that I’m sure my roommate has her own blog who is bitching about me. That would awesome…and nerdy as hell!

Didn’t something like that happen to you Sugar tits? With “Boy”?

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Boof's 24

I walked alone through the shaky streets,
Listening to my heart beat
In the record-breaking heat
When we were born in time.

With me addicted to “24” I thought I would do “24” on a typical day in my life.

Lets see what happens

12:00am-1am: Come home from work and bypass my roommate giving BJ in the garage. I then take off all my work stuff and get into my loungewear.

1am-2am: lay down in bed and watch “24” as I munch on some Doritos.
(chomp, chomp, chomp) “Wooooaaahh Holy crap” as I try to mutter with a mouth full of Doritos as one episode ends.

2am-3am: get ready for bed and probably start sleeping

3am-4am: sound asleep and maybe tossing around in my bed

4am-5am: same thing except maybe I start drooling and doing a “mmmmm..mmmommomomommmmmmm” sound as I sleep

5am-6am: sleeping and scratching my crotch perhaps

6am-7am: sleeping

7am-8am: Wake up and look at my alarm clock which says “7:15am” and then smile and go back to sleep

8am-9am: sleeping UNTIL…. My alarm goes off (then the episode would end leaving you on the edge of your seat)

9am-10am: My alarm clock goes off…and then I smile and go back to bed. My alarm goes off again at 9:30am and then I get right up, check the email, and start grabbing some breakfast food from the kitchen. I then drink water for the rest of the half hour.

10am-11am: heading to the community center and drinking a bunch of water. I get my gym clothes on and start running on the trail.

11am-12pm: still running and eventually making my way back to the community center. I then lift some weights, do some stretching, and take my shower. Peruse the library for some good movies.

12pm-1pm: arriving home and perusing the internet. Eating some jo-jos and watching some baseball perhaps.

1pm-2pm: napping

2pm-3pm: waking up and arriving to work. Start looking at ongoing jobs

3pm-4pm: still looking at ongoing jobs, starting out my own crews

4pm-5pm: “” “”

5pm-6pm: getting back to my desk and getting ready for lunch

6pm-7pm: eating lunch and setting up my computer for the Twins game

7pm-8pm: more work stuff and listening to the Twins

8pm-9pm: checking up on jobs and listening to the Twins

9pm-10pm: more of the same

10pm-11pm: and….more of the same

11pm-12am: checking my guys out and finishing up for the night.

I thought it was kinda crazy when I decided to take a nap suddenly at 1:15pm or so--oh and then me watching “24” as you would be watching “my 24”.

Then of course I needed to catch your attention by including the BJ right away in the first episode.

Maybe if there’s enough demand the 2nd season will come out.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

The Twins Bullpen

Let the night surround you
We're halfway to the stars
Ebb and flow, let it go
Feel the warmth beside you

Ok, you’re the manager…

It’s the 5th inning and your team has a three run lead. Your starter has been great so far but his pitch count is reaching the 85-90 mark. The other team starts out the inning with their lead off hitter reaching first. The starter’s velocity on his fastball has decreased 4mph since the first inning and is tired.

The game is lost because….
You don’t have a good bullpen

Your staff ace has pitched a shutout through 7 innings in a 1-0 game and is at the 95 pitch mark heading into the 8th. Your starter goes back in the 8th and then gets stuck in a bad inning and ends up pitching 15 more balls and becomes injured. His and your season could reasonably be over.

All because you don’t have a bullpen…like the Red Sox

Beyond the 5 starting pitchers, the nine positional players, the extra catcher, the three bench players there are 6-7 guys that are as overlooked as any players around. I’m talking about the bullpen because there are few that are as dominant as the Twins’ bullpen.

Seriously they give Gardenhire the luxury of resting a starter with a 2 run lead into the 8th, they have the skills to retire that left handed power hitter with men on base, and they never get any credit.

Lets look at the some of the Twins bullpen one-by-one
For the record, I can't write baseball like those other big-time bloggers so bare with me.

Pat Neshek, right handed reliever- Neshek is filthy. So far he’s been as automatic as a pitcher can become. It’s to the point where I get that Mariano Riviera safety-like feeling when he comes to the mound. He’s also a fellow blogger so that’s pretty cool

Denny Reyes, LOOGY (lefty, one-out, guy) In the past the Twins have just put any warm body that can pitch left handed in this position. One year they had Jesse Orosco (who was seriously about 45) and then there was the flailing JC Romero days last year. Ugh, If only I pitched left handed I could be a mlb player.

Anyway Reyes hasn’t shown to be that throw away left hander, he’s actually been very good. .98 ERA in 36.2 innings is better than me.

Juan Rincon, 8th inning set up man- Probably the best set-up man in the majors. Basically there is little need for a starter to pitch past the 7th inning unless they are really on a roll or Rincon is tired. He could easily be the most underrated player in all of mlb.

Joe Nathan, Closer- It’s hard to find a closer. I mean it’s really hard to find someone so automatic that they can blow away whomever comes up to bat in the 9th. Twins have had an unbelievable stretch of dominant closers in Reardon, Aguilera, Guardado, and now Nathan. Basically a Nathan-AJ straight up trade would be a steal in itself.

Hell if it were possible to clean away all the pitch count, rest, save the bullpen stuff I would like to see the bullpen pitch a whole game. Think of it, Game 7 and Gardenhire somehow smells a terrible outing by Radke or something and just sticks the bullpen in for an entire game.

Monday, August 21, 2006

Scheduling Crap

And when you lose control
you'll reap the harvest you have sown
And as the fear grows
the bad blood slows and turns to stone

Crap List

1. Parking at the dome
I went to the game on Saturday--apparently everyone else did too--and I have my own parking spot that I prefer over all the other lots. The place is easy to get into and out of, it’s cheap, and it’s away from the commotion. It’s far, far away but I don’t mind walking. Since Minneapolis increased the price of their meters, I’ve found that it’s cheaper to find the cheap lot and park.

Earlier in the year this lot was $3--ultra cheap. About a month ago this same lot was $5. Last year at this time when the Twins weren’t in any kind of race I’m sure you could park there and just receive a slap on the wrist and not have to pay a thing.

Saturday this lot was $10 and as a rule of thumb, I’m not going to pay $10 to park at a Twins game especially at my own blue collar, out-in-the-boonies parking lot and especially when I know where there are meters that only charge a quarter an hour (if you arrive early enough).

I guess that’s what you can expect when 135K fans arrive in a three day stretch (good lord).

2. Scheduling
Speaking of the Twins I have to point out a future train wreak on their schedule.

For those who crave train wreaks like I do, this is going to be huge, epic, a major screw up of all screw ups. Hell, it already is.

Circle September 30th on your calendar and prepare for the backlash of backlashes.

September 30th is the day that the Twins play their 2nd to last day against the current wild card leading White Sox at the Metrodome. This game will be the pivotal game of this series and it’s very likely that this will be one of the biggest games of the year. Hell, they’ll probably lift the curtain in center field just to add more seats. This game will be important for the playoffs.

September 30th is also the day where the U of M Golden Gophers play the Michigan Wolverines…also at the Metrodome which is always a good game…well, kinda sorta.

Twins Vs. White Sox at 11:10am
Michigan Vs. Gophers at 7:00pm


Not only do they have to convert the field from baseball to football
Not only are both games going to be nationally televised…probably anyway
Not only are both games huge, HUGE games
But they also, between games have to convert the field.

For me being one that plans work, trips, and schedules this is one of the most boneheaded , idiotic planning blunders I can imagine.

Before this season started I could tell you that any White Sox Vs. Twins game in September is going to be huge but the last series of the year?

Ok imagine this,
Twins and White Sox are one game apart in the standings, in the wild card race, and this 2nd game of the series will give momentum to both teams.

Santana Vs. Contreras and the game is tied into extra innings. Ozzie Guillen and Gardy are involved in an epic chess match. Every runner on base makes for excruciating problems for the opposing team. Runners at 2nd and 3rd with two out and Justin Morneau is at the plate.

3pm ticks and the Metrodome facilities people start calling the game because they have to start setting up the field for the football game to follow. Game momentarily ends in a tie, fans (about 50,000) are forced to go home not seeing any team win, and the game ends up being replayed the next day.

What the hell were they thinking?!? Why couldn’t the Gophers play Lakeland Dental Academy again and just give them the hand? They can’t be that stupid to schedule these two games on the same day in the same venue can they?

Imagine the media backlash, imagine the mlb backlash, imagine any one of those 50,000 fans!

Of course perhaps the baseball games takes 2 hours and then everything goes according to plan and nothing goes wrong. I hope not! haha

September 30, mark it on your calendars!

3. Booing AJ
I just don't understand it. Why is everying booing AJ? He didn't say anything wrong, he never willingly left the team, and he was huge for turning the franchise around.

Still everyone boos him because....who knows why.

If the Twins hadn't got rid of AJ then there would be no Boof, no Joe Nathan, no F-bomb, and Joe Mauer certainly wouldn't have had the opportunity he had.

If anything people should cheer, cheer like they have never cheered before because AJ is as responsible for this team as anyone.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Sugar Bits

Did I disappoint you or leave a bad taste in your mouth?
You act like you never had love and you want me to go without.
Well, it's too late tonight to drag the past out into the light.
We're one, but we're not the same.
We get to carry each other, carry each other...

-I have recently found a new addiction. Although this addiction has been around for about five years I just had to try it.

I went to the library on Monday and found the 1st season of “24” and immediately went to the counter. The librarian who always talks about my selections (I check out the weirdest selection of movies--one time I checked out Basic Instinct and Finding Nemo. The librarian looked at my selection and just laughed.). She looked at the case of 24 and then at me and then said,
“Do you realize what you are getting into?”

“*sigh* yeah I think I do. Just gimme it anyway”

And so it began.

One episode turned into two and pretty soon, like a crackhead, I had to watch the next episode…and the next.

To be honest, the show is just fascinating. I love how it is in real time and that every hour of the day is represented. I get a huge kick out of the little things: sun coming up, how someone will start their working shift at the start of a show, and all the events that begin on the hour.

Then the segues, oh man. Every show entrance, commercial intro and exit, and show exit there is a clip of five subplots all going on at the same time. It’s like when CBS does a live “look in” during March Madness. Best. Segues. Ever.

I’m not even halfway through season one!

-haha I almost thought that this might be the year where no Viking players get in trouble with the law. Koren Robinson then proved me wrong the other night by driving drunk around St. Peter.

Good god there is something wrong with this team.

-If the on field stuff looked ugly, look, just look, at these ugly ass jerseys. This is what happens when you have a 5 year old design uniforms.

-On Tuesday I talked about Bret Hedican and how he literally paraded around North St. Paul with the Stanley Cup. Yesterday when I was stuck at the light on HW 36 I noticed that the famous NSP snowman was wearing a painted-on Hurricanes make-shift jersey with Hedican’s name painted on. On top of the stove pipe hat was a huge Hurricanes flag. even has a picture and an article.

This was actually a red flag for me because I see NSP being bigger than Bret Hedican and this snowman is a symbol of NSP and my own childhood for chrissakes! Plus, I wanted Edmonton to win in the worst way anyway. None of this Mason-Dixon NHL crap.

I remember watching Monday Night Football in Marshall, MN during my first year in college when--coming out of a commercial break--they showed this snowman and I instantly jumped up and down and said,
“oooh, ooooh that right there! That’s where I live!” To which everyone responded with,
“you live in a giant snowman?”

I think that might be somewhat cool to have an address that reads, “soandso, Big Giant Snowman, NSP, MN”

-Speaking of the Stanley Cup, last weekend I went to the bar with a friend and I met her boyfriend.

T’s Bf: So you saw the cup earlier today.
Boof: yeah it was really cool. It was like ten feet in front of me.
Bf: Dude, I got to drink out of it!
(Boof in awe)
Bf: yeah dude, I even saw it being towed on the back of a boat up north. It had it’s own raft and everything. The guy that watches the cup, yeah, that guy is one of the coolest guys in the world. He’ll let you do anything. The this other time one of my other school buddies won the cup and we partied like all night. It was sweet dude.

Hog, you should’ve been a really good hockey player. All my Stanley Cup dreams could’ve come through.

If any of you win the cup, I’m coming over with a box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a gallon of milk.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Album Review: Led Zeppelin I

In the days of my youth, I was told what it means to be a man,
Now I've reached that age, I've tried to do all those things the best I can.
No matter how I try, I find my way into the same old jam.

I remember back in the day when I went to the store and bought three cds: Vertical Horizon’s Everything You Want, some soundtrack, and Led Zeppelin I. I listened to VH and it was okay, I listened to that soundtrack and…meh, I then listened to LZ I and it completely blew all the other crap I was listening to out of the sky. I have never heard an album that has the perfect mix of soul, rock, blues, and rhythm as Led Zeppelin I has.

With that being, here’s my track-by-track critique.

Good Times, Bad Times
So imagine it’s 1969 and the Beach Boys, Mamas and the Papas, and Creedence is dominating the air waves. Led Zeppelin, being the latest version of The Yardbirds, come out with I and you sit down to give it a listen on the headphones. Good Times, Bad Times starts out bursting with a loud, slow beat on the drums with Jimmy Pages guitar backing it up. For the 60’s it had to be the ultimate album intro.
Throw in the electrifying Page solo and the addicting chorus and this immediately grabs you by the ears.

Babe I’m Gonna Leave You
I think this is one of the most underrated songs of all time. With the gentile acoustic guitar intro, the unbelievable soulful voice by Robert Plant, and the emotion in the lyrics this was supposed to be how power ballads were supposed to be made.

The crashing chorus of drums, guitar, and bass make for a heart pumping chapters within the song. What I really like in this song is the interlacing of acoustic guitar and Plant’s voice inbetween choruses. It’s probably one of the few songs where I actually believe in the singer and what he/she is singing

You Shook Me
The Blues, you have to love the blues. This could be one of the first times blues was seamlessly fused into hard rock. This song also has the most god awful editing mistake I have ever heard. Somewhere during the solo you can hear Plant trailing off with his vocals when suddenly his voice goes from really low to screaming loud. It’s as if a blind engineer did a terrible splicing job on the reel-to-reel.

A lot of people criticize Led Zeppelin for the way they “use” lyrics from previous blues musicians, the thing is, that’s the blues. The blues is simple and focuses on the impromptu element in performance. Saying someone ripped off a blues musician is like blaming someone for speeding.

Dazed and Confused
This could be the greatest rock song ever. I never cared for the movie but I dare any one of you to put this on the headphones before you fall asleep and “feel” this song. The soothing blues verse and the thunderous climax of each verse makes you just want to be in that studio when they figured this song out. It had to be magical!
The emotion grows and grows as each verse is sung. You can hear it in Plant’s voice.

What people never give credence to in this song is the amazing instrumental. This is arguably the four most talented musicians at the peak of anything they’ve ever done.
John Paul Jones with the subtle and interesting base line
John Bonham with the explosion on the drums
Jimmy Page with the right mix of tempo and sound.
Robert Plant with the emotion and knowing when (and when not to) sing

Forget Stairway to Heaven, listen to this song and try to feel the passion and emotion in this song. For those that don’t “get” hard rock, listen to this song because it could be the only thing that will sway their opinion.

Your Time is Gonna Come
I never noticed how they have two songs with the word “gonna” in the title. I suppose it sound better than “You’re time is going to come”…whatever
This actually somewhat fits in with the hippy ways of the late 60’s with the chorus that everyone can chant. I guess I think of a bonfire on the beach and flower children everywhere singing this.

Black Mountain Side
As many changes as this album takes this maybe the most ‘out of left field’ change in whole piece. Basically it’s Jimmy Page playing around on the acoustic guitar with John Bonham bangin on the bongos.

Communication Breakdown
The name Led Zeppelin came about when The Who’s drummer, Keith Moon described this new rendition of The Yardbirds as ‘…going over like a lead zeppelin’ meaning that they were going to suck. With Communication Breakdown and comparing it to The Who at the time, it’s really no contest because while The Who were stuck in the british pop of things, Led Zeppelin with Communication Breakdown was revolutionizing music.

Take that Eric Clapton and Jeff Beck!

I Can’t Quit You Baby
I prefer the live version of this song but this is another damn good blues song. I would shell out big money just to hear this song live because it has all the elements of blues and it could be extended for hours if you wanted it to. If I played music, I would love to dabble with this song and see how far/long I could make it go.

How Many More Times
This is one hell of an ending. Basically it starts out with a simple beat and then expands to…many different things. I don’t know what else to say other than this is a nice ending to a great album.

So, go out and buy Led Zeppelin I and prepare to be dazzled.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Seeing the Stanley Cup (pics)

It's hot as hell, honey in this room
Sure hope the weather will break soon
The air is heavy, heavy as a truck
We need the rain to wash away our bad luck

At the North St. Paul community center I found out that Bret Hedican, of the Stanley Cup winning Carolina Hurricanes, was coming to town to celebrate his Stanley Cup win and to show off the trophy in a parade. Hedican grew up and played hockey for the Polars at North St. Paul High. Lord Stanley’s Cup has always been a bit of a fascination with me and I’ve always wanted to see and feel that glossy goodness on the back of my hand…and face (yuck).

The deal behind this is if you win the Stanley Cup, each member of the team gets the trophy to themselves for one whole day, to do whatever you want with. With the Stanley Cup comes a guy who protects it (and apparently this guy is really cool). This Stanley Cup has been the center of many parties, has been drunken out of thousands of times, and has been in the craziest places.

Me, I have always thought I would buy a big box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch and eat the whole box out of the Stanley Cup and then I would go Grocery Shopping (with two carts) and have the Stanley Cup in one cart and my groceries in the other. (maybe I accidentaly set the Cup on the checkout line…”oh ooops, that’s my Stanley cup”.

Then I suppose I would jog around the trail with the cup and keep some water in it and try to run and take a drink from my sippy cup (aka: Lord Stanley’s cup) as I run. Maybe later in the day I head over to my arch rival’s house from high school just to chit-chit a little,

Rival: Hey what’s that?

Boof: oh, I spilled some cereal on myself earlier today…or--Oh, do you mean The Stanley Cup?

Then take that one bastard who didn’t believe in me and bash the living hell out of him with the Cup.

(SO, TELL ME AGAIN, WHOSE PASSES AREN’T CRISP? *bash, bash, pummel* HOW BOUT A CRISP WHACK TO YOUR HEAD *pummel, pummel, bash*)

God that would be cool!

I must admit, for being the self appointed Hockey Emperor, I didn’t even know who Bret Hedican was, but I wanted to see the Stanley Cup so I figured I’d head over to North St. Paul and see the Cup. After doing some research I found out that this same Bret Hedican married Kristi Yamaguchi, the famous figure skater from--I don’t know--5 years ago?

For me being a HUGE Winter Olympics enthusiast I really was intrigued by Yamaguchi being in NSP. I’m NOT a figure skater lover (in fact, that’s the only competition I don’t watch during the Winter Olympics) but I wanted to see how tiny she was. I wanted to see if the Cup was bigger than she was (because it actually could be).

So ranking in what I wanted to see at this parade.
1. The Cup
2. Kristi Yamaguchi
3. Bret hadi…something

At first I got to NSP and these were the only two people there. I thought maybe it was supposed to be in SSP but I waited.

They had a couple booths were people could buy overpriced pop and Bret whatshisnutz water but there was still not that many people around.

Have you ever been to a parade and wondered what would happen if a really huge fire broke out? Well the parade was just making its initial turn and just when this fire truck was going to turn, there was a siren blaring from the distance. Instead of taking a gentile left turn this truck just went floored it straight and headed off to the sirens.
It was really cool
and yes, that's a mullet.

For some reason the Cup reminds me of Tom Servo from MST3K.

I'm sure by the looks of this picture that the cup has more mass than Krist Yamaguchi. I mean we're lucky there wasn't a stiff breeze in NSP because otherwise Kristi may have blown away.
Actually, I honestly don't know if that is really Kristi Yamaguchi because it could've been a body double for all I know. Hell, It could've been Sandra Oh or Bjork or Tiger Woods wearing a dress for all I know. (In bad taste, I know)

Following the parade was two of these huge ass coach busses. No one knew anyone in these busses but everyone waved regardless. The parade was actually the most efficient parade I've ever been to. The whole thing lasted no more than five minutes and everyone went home happy. Except me, I went home in mild delight.

Here's Bart Hemicam and a temporary tatoo of the Stanley Cup. I haven't used it yet either.

Monday, August 14, 2006

Blu-Tooth Crap

the place where I come from, is a small town
they think so small, they use small words
-but not me, I'm smarter than that
I worked it out
I've been stretching my mouth to let those big words come right out

Crap List

1. Pushy telemarketers

Thursday 8:30am
Phone Rings

Boof: Hello? (in my morning, ‘you-woke-me-the-fuck-up’ voice)

Telemarketer: Hello Tom? Tom, here at the press we have a fabulous offer we are going to offer you. It’s the press on Thursday-Sunday for only $_______.

Oh, no thanks

You have a balance of $4 right?

Yeah, probably. Go ahead and send me a bill

Well if you take my offer then we’ll cut that bill in half.

You mean $2? Nah, nope I’m not interested, sorry

We’ll I really think you should reconsider because that’s a good deal.

No, thanks

Well C’mon---(click)

I couldn’t take any more of that pushy bitch. If it were actually 2pm I would actually talk and work out my little telemarketing piss off tricks but not at 8:30am. Good lord no. There should be some sort of telemarketing ethics (ha!) that after the 2nd rejection then both parties should both end the call or talk about their family…or something. I do have a bit of regret because I wanted to see how far she would take the phone call and to see how long I could keep her on the phone and thus, losing out on potential commissions. I bet I could’ve kept her on the phone for at least 20 minutes with me acting stupid and/or debating my side of $4.

2. Computer buzzwords
I’m not a huge computer guru by any mean. I believe I have an average understanding on what is good and I’m pretty awesome at Windows. By default, I’m the guy my parents ask for info whenever it comes to computers and the discussion always ends with me saying,
“bottom line, you guys gotta get a new computer.” because they have this Micron 3 gig, windows 95, dial up, old has been to which I cannot understand how anyone could put up with such a dinosaur.

So I check out one particular problem on Windows and one of my parents will stand behind me and watch as I go. The thing I don’t like is when they throw around solutions that revolve around current PC buzzwords to which they have no idea what any of it means.

Me, at the computer struggling to figure out some Windows program): Damn, what’s up with this?

Dad: Have you tried click N’ drag?

Me trying to ignore him: hmmm lets try this

Dad: Perhaps there’s something wrong with the blue tooth.

Me noticeably annoyed: hmmm lets try the properties menu

Dad: or it could be the firewire…wall thing



Thursday, August 10, 2006

Twins Stuff

There was a band playing in my head
And I felt like getting high.
I was thinking about what a friend had said
I was hoping it was a lie.

(CC: Hannes) So uh, remember when I told you in March to draft Francisco Liriano as a garbage pick?

Well uh, you may want to think about dropping him. :[

And picking up Matt Garza instead :]

It was last year at this time when the hardcore Twins fans focused as much time toward the Rochester Redwings as they did the Twins. This was when Liriano was dominating--no, a man playing a boys game--in AAA. The Twins kept him in AAA, I think, just because they knew he was going to be huge and they wanted to delay another year of arbitration. Twins couldn’t make any trades because all the other teams requested any potential trade with Liriano or they didn’t trade with the Twins. It was like having a lottery ticket waiting for approval.

That’s the kind of prospect that rarely comes around.

Twins had it again this year with Matt Garza. Garza started out this baseball season in A ball then dominated. It was like putting Stephen Hawking in kindergarten. Twins then put him in AA and again, he dominated, AAA and he continued to blow away hitters. He even threw 120 pitches in one game (how a coach let that happen I will never know) and he still threw in the high 90’s! The Twins tried to keep this phenom down in AAA as much as they could while a revolving door of Scott Baker, Boof Bonser (say it aint so boof), and Mike Smith (where the hell did this guy come from? Send him back, please) tried to give the Twins good intentions with the back of their rotation. Again, the Twins couldn’t make any trades because everyone wanted Matt Garza.

Put it too ya this way, Joe Mauer spent two years in the minors and he was the number one pick of the 2001 draft. In the minor’s Garza had a WHIP (walks and hits/ per innings pitched) of .88. (Santana had the best WHIP last year of .97--trust me, it’s a phenomenal stat). Granted it’s minor league numbers but good god, it’s like playing a video game with Garza on the mound.

Barry Metropolis even put up a comparison between Liriano and Garza with their minor league stats.

Garza has proven to be better. (Ok, chills should be going up your back now)

-The White Sox have a terrible schedule by playing Detroit, a couple games against KC (who swept Boston), Twins, Detroit, Twins. That’s a tough two weeks.

-Damn, just think if the Twins had a rotation of Santana, Radke, Liriano, Silva, Garza (if he pans out). Holy damn crap!

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Baseball Bits...Mostly

The mind is grey like the city.
Packing in and overgrown.
Love is deep. Dig it out.
Standing in a hole alone.

-Hey Ron, exactly how far did that Morneau home run travel last night?

Twins are now in sole position of the AL Wild Card…with nearly two more months to go.

-Last weekend at the reunion my uncle started talking about his favorite childhood memories as all 70 of us listened. He then asked when the next reunion should happen.

“Should we do it every ten years?”
Everyone grumbled
“How bout five years?”
It seemed like everyone kinda liked the idea of 5 years except two people, the two oldest people.

My grandma (80) and her cousin (my grand cousin?)…
( rant…Is it entirely possible that there is one couple in Iowa that doesn’t have or aspires to have 13 kids? Or if they have 13 kids, everyone should then scatter around the world so I don’t have to figure out what the family name is for my grandma’s cousin or my cousin’s kid (my couskid?) good lord )

Anyway, so my grandma and my “grand cousin” were the only ones objecting to the notion of five years and suggested two years. Everyone had some uncomfortable looks at each other and tried to do the fake happy faces because they didn’t want to forsake their own aunt/mother/grand cousin/great aunt…
If they were 60 then it would be 5 years I’m sure.

There should be some sort of tournament for these family reunions. Everyone should have a seeding and it should be widdled down to like 16 people and they can get together and eat all the banana bread (sweet, sweet banana bread), and talk about the weather.

For instance my grandma would easily be the number one seed then the 16th seed would be that punk-ass cousin who is 16 and doesn't care about anything. This cousin is going through a ton and family get-togethers are not his/her thing. 2nd seed would be the newest born baby--there is not much that can beat a newborn except grandma. 15th seed would be that uncle that had the shittiest year and is ready to give up on life. Said uncle probably doesn't show up anyway. and so on...

So then everyone in the family votes and then the craziness happens.
Perhaps grandma had a bad run and pissed off too many people and that 16 year old is highly recruited to Iowa gathering the attention of all the Iowan guys.

Perhaps that baby is ugly and the uncle wins the lottery! You never know when it comes to...

-I just bought another baseball book, Historic Ballparks: A Panoramic Vision and I thought I would point out some more stadium bits from this book.

--The Palace of the Fans was one of the first ballparks to be built out of concrete and it looked really nice.

--The original plan for Yankee stadium was to be a triple decker 100,000 seat stadium. Can you believe that? This was the plans for back in the 1910’s!

--Speaking of the Yankees, as great as Joe DiMaggio was he had to deal with the crappiest dimensions in baseball. Yankee stadium, for right handed pull hitters, had a power ally that was never shorter than 395’ deep left center was measured at 500‘. Basically he had no chance of hitting a home run unless it was at the pole or opposite field.

--One thing I have noticed about these old parks is that they gave a huge advantage for left handed pull hitters like Yankee Stadium and the Baker Bowl. The Palace of the Fans in Cincinnati had a right foul pole distance of 450’ while the right field pole was…I can’t find any info on that but it was considerably shorter.
It has to be…right?

--Again if you want craziness that was on-field look to Sportsman’s park in St. Louis which had a Roller coaster, merry-go-round, lawn bowling, bicycle races, and a whole bunch of other stuff that was IN PLAY. I’m thinking they didn’t have any fences at Sportsman’s park.

Can you imagine enjoying yourself on the merry-go-round and a baseball comes and breaks your face?

-A Twins player has officially hit 30 home runs. I never thought I would see the day.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Family Reunion (with pics)

I found out long ago
It's a long way down the holiday road
Holiday road

(That song must have taken like 2 seconds to write.)

Last Saturday was our Iowa family reunion and as much as I whined and cried about it, it really wasn’t that bad. The last reunion was 14 years ago and with people getting old, new members to the family who don’t know anyone, and the simple notion to get together it seemed like a good time to have another.
We had such a good time that a vote was even made to have a family reunion every two (2) years .

(blink: blink)

Grr. I’m. So. Happy. I. Can’t. Wait. Until. Two. More. Years! Grrr.

Anyway, like I said, It wasn’t that bad. I learned a lot about my family.
This is our family tree. I'm in that tannish clump on the right. If you can't see it (you probably can't) they mispelled my name anyways) It all started back in 1842(?) when Franz and Barb married and then went crazy with each other. Fast forward the tape 164 years and over 160 people came about because apparently Germany wasn't the place to be.
I also found out that I am number 147 in this family which makes everything seem so corporate.

There were so many people that they had to rent out a porto-john which was literally right in the middle of where everyone was hanging out. I asked where the bathroom was (thinking that this was some Iowan lawn ornament) and my cousin pointed at this with a big grin. I said, "screw that" and went in the weeds instead.

This is where everyone threw their cooler. There was a lot of people.

This was a game of catch with the football between my cousin and--whats-his-title? ah my cousin's kid. One kid hangs out in the corn and waits for the football to drop somewhere and then mysteriously the football flies out of the corn field. I actually wanted to play too but these guys were too tired when I came up.

This is a game called redneck horseshoes (excluding that board with all the holes in it). You toss a toilet seat and try to get it through the plunger. It's harder than what it looks because the blasted plunger is so flimsy. I never got a ringer. I was also told that these seats were washed too so it's all good.

and this is (from left to right)...everyone.
Can you find me?

Monday, August 07, 2006

Dick Trickle Crap

Carbon planes draw a cage round the air force base
(Where the needle touched down)
My foot on the brake it's ok to fly low
Over poor Spanaway

Crap List

1. My dad at these family gatherings
First let me say that I love my dad. He’s great but when you put him around my Iowa relatives then things get really god damn annoying.

First his outfits; now I’m not one to even have an idea about fasion (I can’t even spell it right) but I know that whatever my dad wears is something that you don’t want to look at.
Picture this, a man wearing some sort of brand new truckers cap and donning a skin tight Nascar polo shirt. This NASCAR polo shirt is so tight you can almost see his belly button which bulges out of this man who looks like he’s 10 months pregnant. This polo shirt is also tucked into some khaki shorts which exposes his bony albino legs and his tube socks that ride up to his calves. Throw in a pair of steel toed tennis shoes and you now have my dad.

I’m not embarrassed by him because it’s like having that dog that sniffs everyone’s crotch, you can’t control him so might as well let him do his thing.
But good lord, find a mirror!

But that’s not what bugs me, it’s his actions that bug me.

He has to constantly brag about his vehicles and be so damn loud. He drives his new Cadillac right up in front so everyone can see and then stands by it to try to convince an uncle to come over and look at it. My uncle does and sooner or later more uncles are over there and he’s popping the hood open and telling them anecdotes about his caddy.

Ugh. Then he’ll start to talk Twins baseball…
Lets just say that whenever I try to correct him he just ignores me like I don’t know what I’m talking about!

Then thank god no one mentioned Dick Trickle, his favorite racecar driver. He’ll go on and on about how many races he’s won and where he lives and the time where he went to his house and the time where he met his daughter at a hot dog stand in NC and the time he talked to him in Wisconsin and… it never ends.

2. Department heads
It happened again! After giving out a shut-down notice in an office building I got a message like this,

“Dear Mr. Berg
That shut down notice is unacceptable. We still have people working and I don’t think you want 20,000 people to go home early do you? This shut down will have to wait until 6pm.”

He’s telling me when we can work. I should shut off his air for the entire two weeks!

The response I wanted to give him was,
“dear smuggy,
Because I’m sure you had a hard day when you sent me this email I’ll give you a free pass. However, just because you can’t get that respect from your coworkers and the 3 people that work under you does not mean you can try to power trip me. I know you drive a Dodge Stratus and that’s cool, I’m happy for you. We will start at the time I said so because that is the time we start. I highly suggest that next time this happens that you try to find out more information instead of being an over dramatic prissy little bitch.
20,000 workers? Haha you’re too much. “

3. ESPN’s love for David Ortiz
Papi Vs. Larry Bird? Are you really comparing the two?

When the hell is it going to end? They are pretty much giving him more love than before ESPN found out the public didn’t care for Barry Bonds. Every night it’s the game winning homer, it’s the game tying homer, and it’s the meaningless solo shot in the 6th inning that closed the deficit to 8-1.

I wish that all the big market teams were terrible then maybe, just maybe the national coverage would be objective! Can you imagine that?
Fox Saturday game of the week would be the Detroit Tigers Vs. Oakland A’s, ESPN would air a Brewers/ Reds game, and ESPN would also not start out every episode of sportscenter with Big Papi.


Friday, August 04, 2006

A Family Reunion...

Well it's too late…tonight
to drag the past out into the light
We're one, but we're not the same
We get to carry each other, carry each other

As if a yearly summer get together wasn’t bad enough this year I have an entire family reunion…and it’s in Iowa. Usually at this time of year we have a “Christmas in July” type of get together that only includes the aunts and uncles and this seems hard enough. Now this year we have like double the amount of people, triple the amount of people I don’t know, and a bunch of fresh new faces that I have to “explain my story” to.

We usually get together and throw a bunch of gifts in the center of everyone in my family sitting in lawn chairs and everyone gets a random gift. (Last year I bought one of the best movies in the world, The Godfather, and included that with one of worst movies in the world, Glitter. No one got the joke…at all). I also had the super awesome idea to buy some University of Minnesota Gopher stuff in spite of all my hawkeye relatives.
Tangent: for my cousin’s wedding, they made everyone stand up and recite the U of Iowa rouser. I was going to the U of M that year and I refused to stand and acknowledge such crap. My relatives were asking if there was something wrong with me… AH YEAH, I DON’T PAY $10,000 A YEAR TO RECITE THIS CRAP ROUSER!)
See every year someone buys some sort of Hawkeyes shirt which is highly coveted amongst the guys. Since everything else is all boring women’s crafts: scented candles, knick knacks with some sort of old school saying on it, or a big pot or something I thought I would try to be a bastard and give some hawkeye fan a Gophers shirt.

Maybe it’s only satisfying to me but that’s what I was planning.

Anyway in recent years it seems as though family get togethers are just a pain in the ass because it only seems as if half the cousins (like 6 of 12) make it and even those cousins stay for a couple hours. Me and my bro are pretty much the only ones that stay for the whole duration and we don’t even want to be there.

At least last year I found out one of my oldest cousins was a huge Cubs fan so I could sidle up to him and talk some hardcore baseball. This year I can’t wait to hear his thoughts on Jacque Jones because he’ll probably wonder why the Twins let go of him…damn, if only there were more relatives that liked baseball.

Anyway these things are never as bad as they seem so maybe the’ll be some delicious banana bread I can put in my belly or I can steal my mom’s bucket of cookies.

Then it’ll be good times.

-My bro is selling Copper Roses. Check them out and make a bid.

Thursday, August 03, 2006

I Eat Bits Like You For Lunch

Some folks are born made to wave the flag,
Ooh, they're red, white and blue.
And when the band plays "Hail to the chief",
Ooh, they point the cannon at you, Lord

-So rewind the tape back to January of ‘02 and it was at that time I had a backpacking trip with a bunch of strangers at the Superstition mountains in Arizona. Little did I know that this trip would be one of the best trips I have ever taken and it was entirely because I didn’t know anyone when we started out.
As the trip went on, the 7 of us got along great and it was like the perfect vacation.

I can honestly say that had I not went on this trip I would not know a lot of the people I know now. I wouldn’t have lived where I lived and wouldn’t have had the other experiences that I‘ve had. Quite frankly, it’s amazing how one great trip can affect your life.

Last night I got a call that one of the 7 passed away and although I hadn’t really talked to that many people from that trip in recent years, it still brings back memories from Arizona and specifically memories of “A”.

Although I never really talked to “A” outside of this trip, it’s still sad, yet amazing, that this one week is still being brought up.

He definitely contributed to the great experience of this trip and it is sad that he passed.

-Conversation with Mom
Mom: So this weekend at the family reunion are you going to walk up to people and say,
‘Hello, my name is Tom. How am I related to you?’
Boof: pffff Pretty much yeah.
Mom: Well I can tell you right now that I’m related to you because I gave birth to you.
Boof: oh, right.

-Eric emailed me to tell me that he’s passing up the chance to attend the Roger Waters Concert and tickets for the Yankees/Red Sox game in Fenway. 17th row at Fenway even!

He must be out saving the world or something.

- Say they both went on a three hour tour and became shipwreaked on a deserted island,
I pose this question,
Who could “out survive” who between MacGuyver and John Rambo?

I think MacGuyver.

-I’m trying to make a vow to not pay attention to ANY preseason NFL football. I can’t stand offseason NFL stuff and I always make the mistake to watch preseason NFL games so I’m going to try to avoid it as much as I can.

Except if anything is on in HD then all bets are off.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Baseball Radio Personalities

A comfort, a friend
Only upstaged in the end By the Uzi machine gun
Does the recoil remind you?
Remind you of sex?

There’s nothing more baseball than listening to the game while working in the garage, getting a bj in the garage, or sitting on the boat on that lazy evening. I grew up craving those weekends where the Twins would play on the west coast and play until 12:30 so I could stay up and listen to them on the radio. Even if the Brewers were playing late I could just barely get the game from western Wisconsin and listen to Bob Eucker give the play-by-play.

Last year and earlier this year--before a firewall prevented me from enjoying it further--I would enjoy listening to the Twins opponent’s radio broadcast to hear anyone other than John Gordon or the Dazzleman Dan Gladden. So here is my thoughts on radio personalities for baseball

John Gordon Twins play-by-play
He’s got a great baseball voice but if you listen to him on a nightly basis you almost have to wonder if this guy is all there. For instance there will be a deep fly ball to center and he’ll go,

“And Carew hits one back! Er Polonia hits this back I mean, WAY BACK! …and this one is go-CAUGHT BY CAMERON--er Hunter for the 2nd out of the game--Ah inning, excuse me.”

He’ll seriously pull that crap and as a listener you have to wonder what the hell he’s talking about. I could give a better play-by-play without even watching the game for the fact that I’m in the right decade and watching the correct team.
Voice: 10 he’s got a great baseball voice
supplies the Imagination: 3 terrible he’s slow and cannot describe the game
Dead air: 8 he does a good job of breaking up the dead air

Dan Gladden Twins color commentator
I actually think that Dan offers some quality commentary. He seems to come from the old school baseball era where it’s alright to bean batters and paybacks are regular happenings. I love his ‘I don’t really care’ approach because it’s not exactly PC nor does it seem like being on air scares him at all. In a couple years Gladden may be something really cool but right now he’s missing pitches, being late on calls, and is very awkward when unique plays start to happen.
Voice: 8 pretty good and fun to listen to
Supplies the imagination: 4 not much better than Gordo
Dead air: 5 he needs some help in this category.

Bob Uecker Brewers play-by-play announcer
Although he is in the broadcast hall of fame and he is one of the most popular broadcaster in baseball; he really sucks. I’ve listened to him a bit and his dead air is so prevalent that you could turn the station and listen to half a song and come back and he’s still not talking. Yeah he’s good in Major League and when he’s on the national spotlight but as a Brewers play-by-play announcer, he sucks.
Voice: 7 good but animated pewkey kinda voice
Supplies the imagination: 7 he’s alright from what I hear
Dead air: 2 tons of dead air

The White Sox announcers
I don’t know who they are exactly but I listen and I enjoy. They have a complete Hawk Harrelson-esque homer side to them but their anecdotes and basic game calling is fantastic. Although I only listen when they play the twins, they always have something interesting to say about what the rival is up to.
Again, I don’t know who they are but they are good
Voice: 7 good but nothing spectacular
Supplies the imagination: 9 very good and knowledgable
Dead air: 9 keeps the game moving with anecdotes and in depth info.

Indians announcers
These guys are so terrible. I end up listening to Gordo and the dazzle man instead of these crack heads. Basically any Indian player that hit’s a base hit is worth having a heart attack for.

“Sizemore HIT’S A TEXAS LEAGUER TOWARD LEFT FIELD. GRADY’S NOW ON FIRST!” or when a home run is hit you’d think he’s spontaneously combusting in the radio booth.

Voice: 4 their voices sound annoying
Supplies the imagination: 6
Dead air: 5 I’d rather they give me dead air

Vin Scully
H is right. Scully is the best radio announcer out there. It is an absolute treat to listen to this guy call a game with his knowledge of the game and his classic voice. I would go into my garage and start demo-ing something just to listen to this guy call a baseball game.
Scully began his baseball career broadcasting for the Brooklyn Dodgers (of all teams) and worked alongside Red Barber (this is almost biblical type of stuff). Since then he’s remained the Dodger play-by-play guy even when they moved from Brooklyn to Los Angeles.

He’s got it all and is the reason why a pewking voice is nothing to be desired in
Voice: 10
Supplies the Imagination: 10
Dead air: 10
Vin is awesome!

Basically I hate the way that some radio stations are going. They are going with the younger pewking voice without substance instead of a slower, elder guy full of anecdotes. If listeners really need to be excited then they shouldn’t be listening to the radio.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Clerks II Review

There's only one direction in the faces that I see;
Its upward to the ceiling, where the chamber's said to be.
Like the forest fight for sunlight, that takes root in every tree.
They are pulled up by the magnet, believing they're free.

Clerks II will go down as the worst sequel to a movie in the history of mankind, at least to me it will. I remember when I heard that Kevin Smith was in the process of making a script for the sequel and I immediately disliked the decision.
How exactly are you going to make a sequel to Clerks?

Clerks is one of my all time favorites. It has great character development, phenomenal dialogue, and it was hilarious. It’s one of those movies that you could watch over and over again and still catch something new. The acting wasn’t perfect and there were some plot holes in the film but it was a great movie for anyone who has ever worked in retail.

Clerks II was…

Well I’m going to put my frustration in this movie in a series of concise rants.

-It’s in Color
As a rule of thumb if you’re going to make a sequel to Clerks, it has to be in black and white. It has to be because it’s just really weird seeing all the characters ten years later and in color. I don’t want to see Dante’s blue eyes or Randal’s razor burn.
Black and White added an underrated element to the first film in that it was almost like a hidden camera or someone who just hung out around the Quick Stop. Color makes this seem like a “summer blockbuster” which makes the credibility turn to crap.

I don’t know who the characters were in this film but they were not the same characters in Clerks. Dante was basically the same but I never sympathized with him. His presence seemed forced and he never really added much to the movie.
Randal was my favorite character in cinema history as a result of Clerks. In Clerks he was a unemotional voice of reason; he had the blunt sarcasm and stinging honesty that would bring anyone back to Earth. He put Dante in his place and was right.

In Clerks II Randal is just a shell of his former self. The dialogue is predictable and formulaic. Basically whenever he approaches someone you can predict when his “shocking conversation intro” will start and his “crazy anecdote” or his “unbelievable sarcastic remark” will be said.

Also the homosexuality by Randal is painfully blatant in this movie. Before, it was always an interesting element but in this movie it was a lot like Champ Kind telling Ron Burgandy that they should rent an apartment together.

Randal also shows emotion in this movie and even mutters the phrase,
“I love you”

(blink: blink)

Seriously, WTF?
Randal used to be unpredictable but in this movie he’s nothing but a Kevin Smith puppet.

-Silent Bob
This has actually been a long standing annoyance to me for awhile because Silent Bob is now nothing more than a mime. It wasn’t the case in Clerks or Chasing Amy where Bob would stand and smoke in a dignified manor. He’d do very little than look around or flick his fingers toward Jay and Jay would automatically know what he’s talking about. Plus he’d always have incredible words of wisdom at some point of Clerks and Chasing Amy making for a damn interesting character.
In Mallrats, Dogma, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, and Clerks II Silent Bob is doing this stupid mime crap. He’ll dance with this stupid bright eyed smile, make these stupid looks toward anything cool or dumb, and his words of wisdom is wasted on “no ticket” or “I’ve got nothing”. What happened to the introvert that didn’t give a damn about anything?

-This movie is basically a watered down version of Clerks
As I was watching this movie I was amazed as to how this movie had the same outline like Clerks had. It was pretty damn close to a full blown cheap plagiarizing job. Dante was unable to feel confident in his current relationship, Randal was jealous, Jay and Silent Bob save the day, and even the same exact argument in the first movie was used in the sequel.
That’s right, the same “shit or get off the pot” argument was used as the main climactic argument in Clerks II.

I was feeling pretty objective about this movie until Randal started crapping all over the Transformers. Randal gets all over the religious shut-in Elias about how Transformers are nerdy and a terrible cartoon.

I really took offense to that and even mouthed off,
“You son of a bitch!” while watching it at the theatre

I’m thinking that Randal hating the transformers was an outlet for Kevin Smith to vent his feeling on the cartoon.

Nerdy?! From a guy that does whatever he can to include Stan Lee and a Star Wars conversation somewhere in all his movies…and he calls Transformers nerdy!

-There is a song and dance routine in this movie
Nothing more needs to be said about this.

-Kevin Smith
I’ll be honest, Smith was one of my favorite directors back in the day. I loved Clerks, enjoyed Mallrats, and I think Chasing Amy is one of the most underrated movies ever. I loved the Kevin Smith dialogue and how he interlaced the New Jersey trilogy seamlessly throughout the first three movies.
Now I’m putting Smith in the M. Night Shayamalan category for directors that started out decent but then lost the heart they originally had.

Clerks II sucked really bad. Don’t see it.