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Friday, September 29, 2006

Kill Bills

It's hard to listen to a hard hard heart
Beating close to mine
Pounding up against the stone and steel
Walls that I won't climb

That “train wreak day” day I was talking about a month ago is now going to happen tomorrow. Although the Twins don’t have a Wild Card birth in mind, they do have the AL Central to acquire as…
The Twins are now tied with the Tigers for the AL Central lead!!!!!!!!!

Of course with that occasion, I have to take you back in time to this entry by the Tigers fan, Orbitron. I think it’s kinda funny with the circumstances.

Of course I should point out the comments to this entry as well just to try to maintain objectiveness. (actually, I can’t find it but I indeed said the Twins were “done” back in May I believe)

Last week on picks I went…ugh 8-6 including completely being 130% wrong on that Seattle/Giants game. If you remember, I was standing on my high horse about how Seattle was overrated and how the Giants were going to leave the stadium with glowing embers. Well, I kinda screwed up (and I lost at fantasy because of it…damn you Matt Hasselbeck) and this week I hope to bounce back to something respectable.

Overall I’m 32-13 which still isn’t too bad.

Arizona @ Atlanta
So I was actually one of many who thought we could just hand over the Vince Lombardi trophy to Michael Vick and company because they can run through anything. I didn’t watch that game last Monday but all I can say is…damn that NFL and it’s crappin parity. I bet in grade school Ron Mexico was like Spiderman when he had to play Jungle for gym class. I bet it was impossible to for a “tree” to catch him.
Falcons 31 Cards 17

Dallas @ Tennessee
Christ, is this really a game or some sub plot to the damn TO deal? To tell you the truth I really can’t stand watching the Cowboys anymore. I just don’t care enough to watch Drew Bledsoe take 3 steps back only to duck or throw the ball away.
Cowboys 23 Titans 14

Indianapolis @ NY Jets
I suppose the Colts are going to be the team that I always have to say is going to win every week. Say, if TO and Peyton Manning made love I’m sure ESPN would show that 24/7 and have Sean Salisbury analyze every breathtaking detail
Colts 31 Jets 27

Miami @ Houston
Daunte has sucked really bad and I think everyone from Minnesota could’ve told the whole country that before the season started. This seems like one of those games that Daunte should look good at and pass for 450 yards but I think he’ll suck again and then the people will call on the backups. That should be satisfying.
Texans 20 Dolphins 10

New Orleans @ Carolina
I’m guessing that Carolina is going go Hurricane Katrina on New Orleans because they need to prove something and Steve Smith is now back. How would a Steve Smith and TO love fest look? With Peyton watching? Not that I’m gay or anything but… uh er…Panthers win
Panthers 34 Saints 20

San Diego @ Baltimore
It must be really cool to take a flight from the east coast going to the west coast because you could leave the east coast at like 3pm and arrive on the west coast at like 2pm and it makes for a very efficient day. It’s like living in a 30 hour day or something!
Chargers 31 Ravens 10

San Francisco @ Kansas City
Pfff… your guess is as good as mine. Samkon Gore or whatshisface seems to be pretty good this year. I gotta figure that Larry Johnson will destroy the 49ers though…I guess.
Chiefs 24 49ers 17

Detroit @ St. Louis
I gotta admit that I don’t like those new indoor stadiums that both these teams have. Not that I’ve been in Ford Field or whateveritisfieldinst.louis but I guess with me living with the Metrodome, I don’t understand why teams would build a new indoor facility? That’s just stupid I think.
Rams 31 Lions 20

Cleveland @ Oakland
Oh yuck. 5 years ago you’d never guess a team with Warren Sapp and Randy Moss would suck so damn bad. Probably another field goal fest.
Browns 9 Raiders 3

Jacksonville @ Washington
I’m sure Eric will watch and I’d actually like to but I have no guys playing in this game so…next
Jaguars 23 Redskins 20

New England @ Cincinnati
I’m actually a bit of a Bengals fan even though it goes against everything I am. I usually don’t root for the #1 team that looks flashy but I guess I am in this case. They’re like that team with all the flashy fantasy numbers who just can’t seem to make the final step. Kinda like the Colts I guess.
Holy crap, Cincinnati has a tough last 3 games: Indianapolis, @ Denver, Pittsburgh That’s tough actin tinactin
Bengals 31 Patriots 17

Seattle @ Chicago
I really don’t know. Chicago’s got a killer defense and Alexander wont play. I guess I’ll actually have to say Seattle wins. This must be the first time I’ve selected Seattle since last year…early in the year last year that is.
Seahawks 20 Bears 7

Green Bay @ Philadelphia
Ewwww. Should be a shoot out and Philly should win
Eagles 35 Packers 28

Vikings @ Bills
I imagine the Vikings should win this game because I think they proved a lot in that bears loss last week. They seem to be really disciplined compared to those blasted Mike Tice years and I don’t mind the play calling at all. Brad Johnson seems to be making some really nice throws and I like how Troy Williamson is playing. I’m taking the vikes.
I’M TAKING ALL OF MINNESOTA IN WINS THIS WEEKEND!!!! Except the gopher football team…of course
Kill Bills (haha boy am I clever)
Vikings 27 Bills 17

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Joe Klopfenstein Bits

The suitcoats say, 'There is money to be made.'
They get so damn excited, nothing gets in their way
My road it may be lonely just because it's not paved.
It's good for drifting, drifting away.

-I’m sure the news for Terrell Owens came down something like this.

Guy 1: Hey, T.O. is in the hospital
Guy 2: Oh yeah, what’s wrong with him?
Guy 1: pfff who knows, I bet he tried to commit suicide after listening to that awful Barbara Streisand commercial that’s on the radio.

And it spread like wildfire from there. You could almost hear the ESPN execs jumping up and down and screaming like little girls when they found out they can go a whole day without any sort of creative programming.

It started last night when they would interview people who think they knew what TO was going through without knowing much about the situation.
“well, I’m sure he’s going through a lot of stress and perhaps all the practice has gotten to him..which made him commit suicide.”


Then they had the worthless press conferences and I liked the one with Bill Parcells,

Press: Do you think the medical staff reacted properly with this problem?
Big T: Problem? Huh, I don’t even know what happened. Why are you guys asking me these questions, I have no idea.
Press: Do you think this will cause you to bench TO for the future?

Of course my favorite is when they begin a press conference asking,
“Did TO commit suicide?”
And end with,
“Do you believe TO will be available this weekend against Tennessee?”

Which is just hilarious.

-I thought it was weird to have one tanning bed in my place that I rent but now I have TWO tanning beds in my place.
I have no idea what the hell that’s about.

-Today I sound especially sick seeing as I can only belt out one monotone note. If I try to go higher all I get is the sound of me breathing fluently which I think it cool. Today I got all sorts of sympathy in the form of quotes,

“Geez, you should probably be back home in bed.”
“Wow take some vitamin C and drink plenty of fluids”
“You must be feeling pretty crappy eh?”

When in fact I feel pretty damn good. I could run a mile if you wanted me but my voice sounds like Satan’s in the morning.

-This last weekend the Colostomy Crushers were down by 8 points with only a kicker left. The Bald Eagles had a running back and a kicker so I figured my week was numbered. As it turns out I lost by one damn point and I attribute that all to not playing a tight end (not seriously anyway). I played Joe Klopfenstein who I picked up only because A) He was a rookie and more importantly B) because his name is fun to say with a German accent

“Give me a fooockin BUD VISOR you glockinschpiel playing shizor or my name aint Joe Klopvansteeen! Actually I blame the loss on Matt Hasselbeck going all crazy with 5 touchdowns instead of poor ol’ Klopfenstein.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Rating the Drugs

I wish I was a neutron bomb, for once I could go off.
I wish I was a sacrifice, but somehow still lived on.
I wish I was a sentimental ornament you hung on the Christmas tree.
I wish I was the star that went on top.

Since I actually bought medicine to help sooth my symptoms I thought I would rate whatever the hell I bought.

First I must say that since these things did or did not work for me isn’t necessarily how it’s going to work for you or aliens like Sarah Jessica Parker

Vick’s throat spray
Well, If you like a temporary numbing of the mouth then knock yourself out with this. I’ve never used throat spray before but after reading the label and seeing no flashing red light warnings, I already knew this was a little too softcore for me. I want some “beware of death” type stuff when I’m reading medicine labels because then you know you’re dealing with potent stuff.

I noticed that almost all medicines are flavored with red (for cherry) and green (for apple or mint, or “green death fucking flavor”) so I went with the cherry flavored throat spray. I got out of bed, numbed my mouth, and by the time I got back into bed the numbness wore off.

It was at that time I looked at the ceiling with a painful sore throat and coughing fit that I knew I had been duped.

Sucrets Lozenges

What the hell is a lozenges? Either way I must admit I’m a cough drop guy because I remember when I was really little and raiding my dad’s rusting, brown, quarter ton pickup I found a sleeve of these red candies. I tried one and it was the crappiest thing I had ever had. I then asked him about the candies and he told me that these were cough drops and to “NEVER DIG IN MY GLOVE BOX AGAIN!”.

So these “lozenges” worked better than any throat spray I’ve ever had but it didn’t take away from sore throat and I have to admit, It was a terrible sore throat. What I did find out is you can sleep with these and hide said “lozenges” on the topside of your teeth for when you wake up in a coughing spell and it’s like your own refrigerator for “lozenges”. I finished this stuff off in no time and I would buy them again.

Of course there are about 400 different kinds of “lozenges” or cough drops so I’m open to any suggestions.

NyQuill Cough

I have to admit that when I decided that I had to make a 3am run to the grocery store for some cough relief I was way out of my element. I hadn’t been fed cough syrup in like 15 years and I had no idea what to get. Honestly, when looking at the different syrups I just had Denis Leary’s No Cure For Cancer cd in my head about NyQuil.
“Capital N, small Y, big fuckin Q. I love that fuckin Q!” and Chris Rock’s Robitussin bit,
“What’s wrong son, put some ‘tussin on it. Got a headache? Rub some ‘tussin on it!”

And that was my basis for buying what I did. I saw a big bottle that said “NYQUIL COUGH” and figured I couldn’t go wrong. I also have to admit that I was looking for the “green death fuckin flavor” too.

I tried the NyQuil and one dose didn’t do a damn thing for my cough. I did notice that the directions were a little more strict but not up to the “red flag” warning yet so an hour after my first dose, I took a dangerous second dose. I think it worked well because I fell asleep both nights after I took the second dose (and in very little time too--thank you Denis Leary!).
So I have to admit that I would try NyQuil again even If I’m not tired, I may just take a couple doses of NyQuil and see if I can count to 20 before I drop like a rock.

But I have to admit that I’m feeling a lot better now and what’s really cool is that I don’t sound better. I basically sound like Satan when I talk and everyone gives me that sympathy that I need, but little do they know that I feel great and could defend myself if someone tried to shave my eyebrows.

My voice sounds like I have just been let out of a Vikings game and I have been yelling for 4 quarters straight. It’s like I have only half of my regular tones and when I try to talk, only half the sounds come out.
Yeah it’s pretty cool. I should always sound sick to get sympathy from people.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Sick as a Dog

When I read the letter you wrote,
it made me mad mad mad
When I read the news that it brought me,
it made me sad sad sad.

Sorry about yesterday. I basically went to bed at Friday night/Saturday morning at 1am and slept and tried to sleep until Monday at 1pm.

Last week completely sucked and here’s why. After reading this you’ll all be so sympathetic to me that I will rule the world

1. The headache
Yeah I know headaches are kinda wussy and I’ve always silently consider people who skip school or work because of a headache. This one on Monday though, was like the game “dig dug” and the guy was diggin in my temple. A couple times he would pump up those bad guys which would make me shed man tears and when they popped! Oh man when that dig dug guy popped one of those bad guys, it hurt like a mother.

2. The backache
And this was no run-of-the-mill backache either. When you stand in your kitchen and your back makes you curl to the point where you’re in the fetal position on your kitchen floor, things are not good. Also when you’re in bed shuffling and turning and forget you have back problems, and you tweak your back making a loud “AAHHHHHAARRRRGGGG” at 3:30am, then things are really sucky. I was looking longingly at my roommate’s walker (why she has a walker, I may or may not ever know).

3. The flu
I remember waking up in the middle of the night last week when I had to cough. There was nothing to it but I know I never wake up like this and my throat is never this dry. I kinda told myself that this was the first sign of getting sick.
Oh was I right because I spent the whole weekend in bed (and not in the cool Hugh Hefner way either). I didn’t want to leave and when I did leave it was to buy drugs for my sickness.
Oh it was so bad and then the Vikings didn’t win and the Colostomy Crushers were losing and I had to listen to my roommate and if I had a dog it would’ve died too I’m sure.

It’s to the point where I want all the female readers to come over to my place and give me a nice backrub. Then say stuff like, “oh there, there” or “it’s okay, it’s okay” and stuff like that. Then I want the guys to come over and reconfigure my room so that there is nothing but plasma screen TV’s with HD on them surrounding my room.

Oh also I want the ladies to feed me grapes. I don’t care about the color but it’s the just act of feeding me grapes that’s what's important.

Friday, September 22, 2006

I'm Awesome (Picks)

Odd how the darkness always makes us whisper
and with the last of the sun
you can feel the approach of the winter.

Last week I kicked colostomy ass by going 14-2 including my upset special on Monday night.

But for god sakes, let us pray that there are no more games that are entirely full of field goals. There’s been a least two games of such and they are painful.

So… my overall record after 2 weeks is 24-7 which is fantastic. Right now I’m beating Eric who has a record of 0-0, Sugar Tits 0-0 and everyone else who also have 0-0


Carolina @ Tampa Bay
I still think Carolina is a good team and the past couple years they have been a real November, December team. Tampa has been super sucky but they’ve played Atlanta and…someone else so I don’t know about them. Does Mike Alstodt still play? If so then Tampa sucks because he’s gotta be like 35 or something.
Panthers 17 Bucs 10

Cincinnati @ Pittsburgh
One thing I can actually count on are the Bengals still being good. They are just as good as last year and Pissburgh is still tough on defense. I like the Bengals just because they gotta be pissed about last year.
Bengals 24 Steelers 17

Green Bay @ Detroit
Ugh, I’m happy I picked up Donald Driver because the Packers suck so much that they’re forced to pass the ball throughout the 2nd half of every game. Donald Driver baby, championship.
Lions 24 Packers 21

Jacksonville @ Indianapolis
This is the game I really want to see. As the media is still cleaning up all the seamen from the Eli/Peyton matchup they will easily forget this gem because of Jacksonville’s D. Jacksonville is probably that team that I will always root for because the media will hate them.
Colts 21 Jaguars 20

NY Jets @ Buffalo
I don’t have any idea about these two teams. I suppose I’ll go with Buffalo because they’re playing at home
Bills 23 Jets 17

Tennessee @ Miami
It’s so satisfying seeing Daunte suck in Miami. He chose the number 8 because it was a “rebirth” or something stupid like that and he’s still walking into sacks like he did a year ago. I do think, however he should do something against Tennessee who had Kerry Collins as a quarterback.
Dolphins 24 Titans 13

Washington @ Houston
Houston? Geez, yuck. I’m going Redskins because…I am and I don’t know anything about the Texans except that they have a stupid name.
Redskins 17 Texans 9

Baltimore @ Cleveland
I think the Ravens fish for a defense in every prison around Maryland. That way they can continue with fresh guys who are mean and pissed off. I dunno I guess that’s my way of saying that Cleveland has no chance
Ravens 23 Browns 6

NY Giants @ Seattle
Oh geez here’s where my anti Seattle bias comes into play. Basically I think that the Giants will slice through Seattle. Seattle fans will cry realizing the Shaun Alexander was just the product of an unbelievable line and a super easy division. There, I said it.
Giants 30 Seahawks 14

Philadelphia @ San Francisco
Damn you 49ers for throwing off my easy loss for you guys. Every week it was so incredibly easy just to say something really dumb and mark the L for those guys. I think they actually have a game here. I’m picking the 49ers because I want to.
49ers 24 Eagles 20

St. Louis @ Arizona
This is the game that I’m going to be paying close attention to because I got about 4 fantasy guys playing in this game…yeah that kinda sucks eh?
Cards 23 Rams 20

Denver @ New England
Denver has been a huge mystery because they’re sucking and Plummer (who I thought was going to be awesome) is leading the suckathon. I think New England wins because they’re at home.
Patriots 24 Broncos 10

Atlanta @ New Orleans
The huge Katrina cryfest is on Monday. Oh it’s going to be bad. There’s going to be the somber music and the flashbacks and any possible reason to milk the national tragedy that happened a little over a year ago. ESPN is doing the game so I can almost see a Michael Jackson-esque “we are the world” being performed on the field
Falcons dominate
Falcons 27 Saints 21

Chicago @ Minnesota
Damn, I don’t know. Chicago has played some real cream puffs the first couple weeks of the year but this game actually means something. The Vikes have actually had a knack for grinding out the 2nd half until the other team gets too bored and wastes away the game (see that stupid trick play last week). I really don’t know about this game. I pick Chicago
Bears 23 Vikes 13

Prove me wrong guys, prove me wrong.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Assorted Bits

With the way things are,
sometimes gets hard
But, we've come so far
to be happy

-Last Saturday we had our first touch football game. The league that I’m in is the Men’s Rec league which means, the really good league. Last year I played on the coed team and that was about up to my ability because I could drop passes and not have to beat myself up.

Anyway I was on a team of individuals--guys who didn’t know anyone as opposed to the “teams” that would sign up--and we just barely had enough guys to field a complete team. We had one tall guy, one guy that was 4 foot nothing and a couple other guys with average ability.

The team we were playing had about 16 guys (10 more than us), all of which were minorities (they were faster, more athletic than us honkys), and it seemed like most were at least 6’4”. Their one guy that didn’t match any of that was their quarterback who had a friggen gun for an arm.

Needless to say we lost but only 34-12 and we held them scoreless in the 2nd half which was awesome for a bunch of cracker strangers.

-After the game I felt pretty good. About an hour later my back just froze up and I was having trouble standing without pain. And this pain, oh man, this was awful. I almost broke down and cried in my kitchen when I struggled to get that pizza out of the oven without snapping my back.

-Twins were tied for the Central lead for about 20 minutes last night. Me from four months ago would be in complete shock if I heard that.

-So I got the local newspaper today and eagerly looked for my article that I wrote. Being that this is the newspaper that’s delivered to the area I grew up in I was pretty excited. I could just hear all the old folks go,
Nancy: Say Chester, remember that one kid that was hitting beach balls on top of his roof a long time ago?
Chester: (sleeping)
Nancy: Well, here he is and he’s now bald.

I found my article and I was pretty stoked to see my name and writing in the paper. The picture, however, was not me. The picture was a noticeably fatter and balding guy (as opposed to my baldness). So now Nancy is going to think that there are two Tom Bergs and not remember the kid doing home run derby with beach balls.

That kinda pisses me off.

-I got the new Peter Frampton CD and that is completely awesome! If I were to ever be the manager of a Kmart the first thing I would do would be to blow up the Musaak box and just pump this CD over and over again. Of course I wouldn’t have any idea about the shopper’s tendencies and it may not bring out the most bang for the buck…or whatever but I think that would be cool.

I’ve always thought that instrumental albums were highly underrated and I wished that David Gilmour and Van Halen could do something like what Frampton did.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

.5 Games Back

And the world looks just the same
And history ain't changed
'Cause the banners, they all flown in the last war

The Twins are now a half game behind first place.

A half game!

This team is really looking intriguing and I like the makeup now compared to whomever they started with. All of a sudden the names Tony Batista and Juan Castro seem completely hilarious to me right now. Those guys were the starting 3rd basemen and shortstop respectfully and god damn did they suck.

When they talk about MVP there’s a lot of talk about Justin Morneau (or Porno if you will) and Johan Santana but I actually think the MVP of the team is Jason Bartlett just because he’s not Juan Castro and Nick Punto because he’s not Tony Batista. I cant even remember or want to believe that we started Tony Batista at 3rd while Jason Bartlett was in the Minors.

Also the beginning of the year the Twins had Bartlett, Boof, Garza, and Tyner in Rochester and Cuddyer was sitting on the bench. That seems completely crazy being that Cuddy now is a 100 RBI guy.

I would also give the MVP to Mark Redmond simply because it sounds like he IS the Twins clubhouse. It sounds like you just have to drop a nickel in this guy and he’ll lead a chant of tavern chants and bar tunes and run around naked while doing so. The day after Nick Punto met Francisco Liriano on the mound and gave his “oh shit” eyes the Twins rookies pranced around Jacobs field in Halloween costumes. Even with such a terrible injury it’s hard not to laugh at Alexi Casilla in a Bam Bam costume, at Jacobs field, with about 50 days away from Halloween. I’m willing to bet that Redmond had something to do with that.

In fact I love the guy so much that I wonder what he says to the pitchers when he comes to the mound.

Redmond: huhuh hey, I got a bottle of baby powder in my back pocket. I threw a whole bunch on my ass before the game.
Garza: Why are you telling me this? Is my slider alright
Redmond: Slider’s fine- so I want you to spank me in the ass right now. Then there will be a huge cloud of white smoke coming from my ass and it will be the most bizarre thing ever. Then any of your pitches will work
Garza: Dude, if you don’t go away Anderson will walk over here.
Redmond: quick just do it.
(Garza takes his hand back like he’s going to smack him and Redmond takes off for home)
Redmond: bwahahhahaha PERVERT! Hahahah

I don’t know if he’d do that but that would be cool just to see someone spanking their own ass on the pitchers mound and seeing a bunch of white smoke coming from their ass.

I’ve always viewed the Twins as a sappy, the most un edgy, vanilla team in terms of off the field stuff. Joe Mauer and Justin Morneau’s interviews prove this because police sirens in the distance are more entertaining than listening to these two talk.

Also Nick Punto has been awesome at 3rd. I never thought he would amount to anything but that bitch has a fire in his belly. He’s made a ton of outstanding plays at 3rd and his name is Nick Punto. With a name like that the guy has to be short. It’s almost a knee jerk reaction to say “little” Nicky Punto whenever he does anything.

What I really, really like about this team is the speed or piranhas as Ozzie Guillen likes to call them. They have so much speed that nearly any double is lethal. Any runner on first is very likely to score on a double just because guys like Bartlett, Tyner, Ford, Punto, Castillo, and Casilla can run.

A half game behind with 12 more to go. Screw football

I got a headache so...

Where are you darlin', when my
Moon is risin', and your
Sun is shinin' down

I got a headache so I'm packin it in today. Here is the article I wrote for my local paper. I can't remember what draft it is but I'm sure you'll get the point.

Construction Want Not, Waste Not

It always seems to happen that the hottest day of the year is when one decides to demo their old deck, wall, or basically any hard work that needs to be done around the house. During this sweaty process of ripping out the sheet rock or tearing apart the planks, the general notion of disposing of the old material is widely used. The fact is with smart planning and careful disassembly literally thousands of dollars can be saved.

According to the Connecticut Department of Environmental Protection; 20-35% of wood, 10-20% of drywall, and 5-15% of cardboard is wasted in residential construction. One way to alleviate such waste is through the method of deconstruction. Deconstruction is a method that does not use demolition but careful process to salvage existing materials. The salvaged material is then used for other projects or can be donated to reuse facilities. The use of recycling with deconstruction has also been found to be beneficial to a homeowner’s pocketbook.
A case study in Vermont found that although the use of deconstruction added 3 weeks to the job, the homeowner actually saved $3,400 by reusing old materials and a tax deduction provided by the state. Another deconstruction case in Vermont simply placed used construction materials alongside the jobsite in a safe, fenced area and local citizens and employees would browse through and take what they needed. About 38% of the waste was reused in this manner and the company saved over $3000 in potential rental, hauling, and disposal fees.
Roofing shingles from residential building is a major waste that can be reused for new infrastructure. Different states have adopted regulations that require at least five percent of shingle material to be used in road surfaces and cold patches. Currently trails and highways around Minnesota have used shingles for their roads. A recent US Forest Products Laboratory in Madison, Wisconsin used the exterior of sixty-year-old army barracks as floorboard in the new complex. The wood used was considered to be high quality old growth lumber and with the high cost of disposing of such timber, it was economically feasible and, arguably, ethical to implement.
Minnesota currently has some tax benefits to people who decide to reuse their construction materials. The Minnesota Pollution Control Agency ( has abundant information on their website for anyone who would be interested in these specific tax breaks. Also if you are planning any sort of projects for this fall or next summer, the Minnesota Materials Exchange website ( offers a search engine for any kind of building materials you may need. If you’re not involved in a big project and may need something in terms of appliances, the Twin Cities Free Market ( homepage is great if your looking to get rid of/or find a kitchen appliances or nearly anything around the house.
In the future if you decide to schedule a deck job or an addition to your home before you decide to throw everything away, look into the potential tax benefits with donating such materials. Such planning can very well save you hundreds or even thousands of dollars which would make the job that much easier on that inevitable hot day which always falls on the day of the project.

Monday, September 18, 2006

Those Poor Cards (Crap)

Awake on my airplane
Awake on my airplane
My skin is bare
My skin is theirs

Crap List

1. Those god awful Dodge commercials
I once thought Pepsi made the absolute worst, most ineffective commercials ever (P-Diddy is supposed to make me buy Pepsi?) but now Dodge has the title if anything for how much their commercials are played.

Exhibit A: Hemi
I actually thought it was cute at first when they’d show the redneck and his lit up face when he asked about the hemi. I wanted the guy to squeal like a pig too because that would be awesome. I also liked the commercial because my mom hated it and I’ve never seen my mom hate anything more than these Dodge “does it have a hemi” commercials.
Unfortunately they found a good idea and, like all of entertainment, don’t decide to get creative but to drive and milk that idea to the ground.

Exhibit B: Dr. Z
I think everyone and their mom hated this commercial and what was worse was that they would play two of these during every break for ever Twins game. My first problem is that this guy doesn’t speak German (at least I’d be willing to bet he doesn’t). He can speak German as well as I can speak stereotypical Minnesotan which is annoying in its own right.
When I see this commercial I don’t want to buy a Dodge anything, instead I want to find all Dodge vehicles and flick off every one of them for supporting such subtle mass media terrorism.

Exhibit C: The cute little creatures
This is the commercial that they have been ramming down our throats lately. It’s the one where the hottie (nice touch by Dodge btw) unveils the new SUV and the cute little cartoon characters say how they feel about such a vehicle.
“It’s cuddly nor wuddly” and “it scares me” are some of the quotes by the creatures until cute little Binky says,
“It scares the (bleep) outta me” Then there’s the two suave business guys who are in the next room and start sucking each others dicks about how that’s the exact response they wanted.

How does that sell cars?

How does one watch and say, “ooooh I want a vehicle that looks scary to Pixar knock offs”. Also, it seems like the commercial is supposed to be both cute and edgy but cute and edgy don’t go together. At all.
See the only people who buy SUVs are women who want penises and men who have little penises because other than that I don’t understand what the need is and don’t give me the “we have a family” argument because cars can actually seat 4 comfortably and if you have more than 4 people in your family then stop having kids!

So with the whole women, men and the penis envy I don’t understand how furry little creatures tip the scales? Binky saying the censored version of “shit” is stupid

2. People who bend playing cards
Every poker table seems to have these pricks who take the cards with their sweaty little mitts and nearly bend the hell out of all the cards they touch. A nice, crisp new deck of perfectly straight cards quickly turns into a warped jumble of a mess.

I like how the cards come out of a deck nice, crisp, FLAT, and all that makes it necessary for a card to glide across that table without much friction. It’s a think of beauty.
Whereas with those warped out shitty cards the card catches on the table and ends up getting flipped up. It also gives me the irrational realization that said card could be seen if someone saw it at the right angle.

I can’t take that. Just like how I can’t take eating my burger with fries watching me, judging me.

“I’m sorry fries I thought I didn’t know you were hiding underneath the plate! I’m sorry!”

The cards tell me,
“look at me, look what they did to me! I’m now curved and not in plane-like form anymore. Yell at them and save my brothers!”

Poor, poor cards.

3. “Can you come here a sec?”
Ugh I can’t stand these phone calls. Here’s how they go,

Boof: Hello?
Worker: uh yeah Tom, can you come over here for a sec.
Boof: Why? What’s going on?
Worker: Can you just come over here?
Boof: Tell me what’s going on!
Worker: Just come over here.

And it ends up being something really stupid where the worker wanted to save their ass but it wasn’t worth anything at all.

There really needs to be a course in high school about phone calling etiquette. I admit, I’m not nearly close to getting a “C” grade in this class but at least I would know what I do wrong.

But I like surprises when they’re good. I don’t like them when they’re “not good”. All I ask is a teaser, something I can think of while I run to my car and before I start blaring “Land of Confustion” for the 5,000 time in a row.

Friday, September 15, 2006

Whatever...(week 2)

I Just have that secret hope
sometimes all we do is cope
Somewhere on the steepest slope
There's an endless rope
and nobody's crying.

With Monday Night Football only to go the Colostomy Crushers were trailing the Super Duper Pooper Doopers by 17 points. I had Antonio Gates and Nate Kaeding yet to play and it came down to the last touchdown.

I remember watching the NFL Gameday deal when I said with my eye crossed and my tongue sticking out,
“Hey, what I need right now is an Antonio Gates touchdown”.

Sure enough it happened and therefore CC and SDPD were tied at 75 points. One meaningless touchdown later and the Colostomy Crushers stole the victory.

Other than that week one was absolutely boring. There were no memorable games and the primetime games were nothing more than a 3-and-out fest. I cared more about the baseball games than any of the football ones.

Last week I went 10-5 which is completely awesome for week 1.

Week 2

Buffalo @ Miami
Buffalo has 2 rookie safeties against Daunte whom didn’t look good against the Steelers. Then again who would look good against the Steelers?
Miami’s at home and Daunte goes off.
Dolphins 30 Bills 17

Cleveland @ Cincinnati
Bwahahahhahahaha eeeeehhhhhhhhhhh hahahahhaha
Bengals 34 Browns 13

Detroit @ Chicago
You know the Lions, for that ooberly ugly ass game they played last week, played the Seahawks pretty well. Chicago looked really good against the Packers but dare I say Sarah Jessica Parker could look good playing against the Packers???
Bears 20 Lions 17

Houston @ Indianapolis
Good god…..
Colts 30 Texans 10

New Orleans @ Green Bay
Last year the Packers beat the living hell out of the Saints. Uh… that’s all I really have to add about this game.
Saints 24 Packers 20

NY Giants @ Philadelphia
This sounds like a pretty cool game. Brandon Jacobs looks like like a ten foot tall beastman when he’s in the backfield. I think Jacobs is actually Bill Brasky
Giants 27 Eagles 17

Oakland @ Baltimore
OMFG does Oakland suck ass. Geez who the hell sets out during the off season and decides to add Aaron Brooks as their new starter? God damn Al Davis, you’re a stupid ass old guy!
Ravens 30 Raiders 3

Tampa Bay @ Atlanta
Both these teams had me duped last week. I wont let that happen again
Falcons 27 Bucs 6

Arizona @ Seattle
This is the test to see how good Seattle is and how good the Cardinals are. I think both teams have regressed and progressed respectfully but I don’t know how much. I think this game is an absolute shoot out.
Seahawks 38 Cards 31

St. Louis @ San Francisco
I think both these teams have progressed too. I do think that Steven Jackson will destroy the 49ers though. DESTROY!!!! He better anyway.
Rams 27 49ers 20

Kansas City @ Denver
What the hell was Denver doing last week? I thought Jake Plummer was going to be awesome with Javon Walker to throw too. Stupid Mike Shananagans and his hatred for fantasy football.
Broncos 21 Chiefs 20

New England @ NY Jets
I gotta go with the Pats because I don’t know anything about the Jets
Pats 24 Jets 21

Tennessee @ San Diego
San Diego is awesome and Kerry Collins is playing for the Titans.
Chargers 33 Titans 14

Washington @ Dallas
I think Dallas has this in the damn bag man.
Cowboys 24 Redskins 17

Pittsburgh @ Jacksonville
My upset special of the week. Jacksonville baby! Yeah
Jaguars 21 Steelers 17

Carolina @ Minnesota
Damn those Panthers for screwing over my fantasy team. I think Steve Hutchinson could move a damn building out of the way for Chester Taylor. Chester Taylor could wear rollerskates and do the hustle going through that left side.
Vikings 24 Panthers 20

Have a fucking sweetass weekend everyone.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Get Back From the Ledge (Bits)

Know a man. His face seemed pulled and tense.
Like he's riding on a motorbike in the strongest winds.
So I approach with tact.
Suggest that he should relax, but he's always moving much too fast.

-I had to plan my day around the Twins game yesterday because Francisco Liriano was coming back to the rotation. I left the gym early and was getting psyched to see the F-Bomb pitch again.

First inning went buy with him pitching like 9 pitches and it went well

Second inning and he completely owned the hitters. Frank Thomas looked like a little girl at the plate

Third inning: he looked good against the first batter and then Bobby Kielty came up. One terrible slider later and he’s done for the year--maybe even all of next year too.
All this after the Twins babied him for 5 weeks making absolutely sure he was ready to pitch. They even had Matt Garza on call to make sure F-Bomb wouldn’t do too much.

It was like….

That girl from ‘the other school’ you dated in high school with whom you had that great time with for a couple weeks and then things changed. Attitudes were different, the little things weren’t the same, and something was just overall different about her. 5 weeks later after being strung along you find out that she’s getting kinda fat and then figure out that she’s getting fat because there’s a bun in the oven (and not your bun either), which in turn, gives you closure…

That bitch!


You’re playing Jenga late in the game when there is barely any logs left to move on that damn tower. The slightest bump of the table would cause everything to collapse. After analyzing the tower you find the one piece that can be moved. You carefully try to nudge the piece away trying to keep the tower still. Carefully and precisely you end up taking the entire piece off and you successfully place it on the top of the tower. In amazement you look at the tower in astonishment when suddenly it doesn’t just collapse but blows the hell up (explosion and fire and everything) right in front of you.


You come back home after sneaking out of the house and to avoid waking up your parents you carefully tip toe your way along the hallway. Every step is precise and stealthy (that’s another cool word) until you reach your room and sit on your bed. You made it but just then your dad blows serious ass and wakes up in a violent rage throwing around vodka bottles and dresser drawers everywhere.

Or… I don’t know. Batgirl has another nice story too.

It sucks but still, I don’t think it’s the end of the world. See, there’s a bunch of these stupid football-type fans that live and die with all 162 baseball games and don’t realize what has been happening. In the past five weeks that Liriano has been gone the Twins have still been 20-14 since which has not been bad compared to the White Sox or Tigers.

-Then people have actually said that the pitching staff is in shambles. What the hell have you been watching lately? Garza finished the day off by giving up one run in 5 innings to the A’s, Boof give up one run in seven innings to the Tigers, and Silva’s last two starts he’s pitched 13 innings and only given up one run off of 6 hits. Hell, even Brad Radke has been feeling good enough to start pitching.

A starting staff of

Is not that bad. Take into account the awesome bullpen and an all star closer and it’s not THAT BAD. Get off the bridge.

-Does anyone know if Srixon golf balls are any good? My golf ball vocabulary is still stuck in 1998 where Ultra was my ball of choice and those cool bullet balls were awesome. I’ve never heard of Srixon but it’s a really cool name though. I think I might add it to the list with “thermostat” and “catalytic converter“.

-For some positive reminiscing, I took a picture of the front page of the Pioneer Press from last Saturday. I think it’s cool but then again, I would think it’s cool.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Golf's Ultimate Champion...Me!

You're gone, the trees are so quiet
When your hand was in my pocket
How they swayed from side to side
Now the meddling sky and my snowy eye
Sees a different night

September 2005
T’was our company golf outing and I was on a team with B (whom I know pretty well at work) and some dude and his daughter. The round started at the butt crack of dawn at 8am and I worked until 2am the previous night/morning so I was tired. On top of being tired I had a 72 hour shadow and I was donning a dirty shirt (probably anyway).

I hadn’t golfed in over a year and the only reason I was even at this tournament was because it was free and there was going to be free food. So I was game for all that.

The round was awesome, I was hitting everything well and the guy and the daughter couldn’t believe I hadn’t been golfing much before. Such hitting gave me the confidence to go over and flirt with the guy’s daughter which the guy didn’t like very much.

Anyway different holes had different competitions for closest chip, longest putt, and longest drive. I can drive a ball like…friggen…awesome…ly and I was going for this particular competition.

The current long drive looked about 260 yards and way out of range for me but I tried anyway. I hit the ball with a slight slice and landed in the rough. Upon further review, I had a longer drive than the current leader but since my drive was in the rough, it didn’t count.


And so the year went on and I would think about how I’m going to slam the hell out of the ball next year when I do this same tournament again.

September 2006
T’was time. The tournament started later and I even shaved for the event. I didn’t wear my “dirty sanchez” shirt but I did play pretty bad for my standards. Basically I was only there to hit the longest drive.

2nd hole.
My work buddy (whom I was on the same team with) had this Super Stealth 5000 Powrdriver deal and he asked me if I wanted to use it.
The driver he had was about the size of a tire and it had all this cool slashy writing on it. It also had the number 410 on it which made whatever was written on it sound even cooler.

Which makes me think that you could say anything and follow it with 410 and it would sound cool.

Oatmeal 410
Cardboard box 410
Stealth 410
Thermostat 410
Boof 410
Andre 410

Anyway I swung this thing and it was an absolute dream. I could tear down a forest with the type of swing speed I could accumulate with this badass410.

So I teed up and took a couple practice swings.

And I stepped up and went for it.


It wasn’t the normal “PINK” it was bigger and more violent-er and the ball just exploded off the tee. It wasn’t going straight but there was still some drama in the air as my golf partners watched this thing sail over the trees that were 220 yards away.

I fuckin crushed this ball like there was no tomorrow.

This was my club and I was going to try to perfect it before the longest drive hole.

One Hole I hit it about 3 miles left again

One hole I hit it about a mile long and 5 miles to the left

Another hole I hit it about three holes to the right.

I did manage to hit it straight on a hole and the if there wasn’t a wind in my face it could’ve easily hit 280 yards.

Now was the time for the longest drive. We had to wait about 20 minutes for the group in front of us and although I wasn’t showing it, I had some butterflies in my stomach. This was the hole that I came for and that gift certificate was mine.

The guy were finally up far enough where I could hit and my heart started to pound as I was teeing up my ball. When hitting a golfball the slightest hesitation can make a ball slice or hook halfway to St. Paul so my heart pounding was making my heart pound even more. The furthest drive was about the same place it was last year and the fairway was huge so I just had to hit the ball somewhat straight.

I took my practice swings and stepped up to the ball. I took my backswing and watched the ball as I followed forward. I hit the ball somewhat awkward but it was a good awkward. I hit a laser that stayed about 10 feet in the air and went for 200 yards. The ball then rolled forever and actually rolled about 10 yards past the longest drive mark.

I fuckin had it and I was tickled pink! The only thing was if I could maintain this drive.

I had thoughts of hiding in the sand trap and throwing any ball that would beat mine into the creek but I decided that I would keep the faith and hope that my drive stayed in the lead.

It did and now I’m the ultimate golf champion of the world! I got a gift card to that particular golf course but I don’t know how much it’s good for. If it’s $25 then it’s a piece of crap because greens fees are about $44. I’m hoping it’s a million dollars but I bet it’s $25.

Monday, September 11, 2006

Blasted Disc 7!

Broken bottles under children's feet
Bodies strewn across the dead-end street.
But I won't heed the battle call
It puts my back up, puts my back up against the wall.

Crap List

1. Golfing…for 6 hours
Saturday was my company’s golf outing and while it was fun and…free, it took forever and a day to complete one full round of a four person scramble. We had about nine teams of four people. 2 groups (8 people) started the first hole so we had to start out waiting for a group to go. After that it went at a snails pace especially the par 5s where we had 3 groups waiting.

We’d hit, and then wait for 20 minutes, then hit, and then wait for 20 minutes. I played horribly partly because I was so bored with the waiting, but I think I may have won the longest drive competition (which was my one goal of the gig).

I think it was the 6th hole we completed where we were talking about the pace of the game.
Boof: You know, we’ve been playing for two in a half hours already?
Partner: you gotta be shitting me
Boof: nah, at this pace we’ll get done at around 6pm and I got a barbeque at my place at 5pm.

I actually had to leave early just so I wasn’t late to my own barbeque (which I was anyway).

2. Smell ‘em
One of the main things I went to the State Fair for was the Twins “Smell ‘em” shirts. I don’t know the exact story but I know it has something to do with the backup catcher, Mark Redmond who runs around naked in the Twins clubhouse. Anyway, these shirts are supposed to carry the Twins through the September stretch.

These shirts came out not too long ago and the only places to buy this shirt was at the State Fair and some sporting goods place in Minneapolis. Me being the Twins fan I am, I need this shirt in the worst possible way so I bought one at the Fair for $18 at their booth.

Now I find these shirts at the local grocery store for $9.

(blink:blink) I’ve been duped!

This reminds me of my first concert experience when I went to see Def Leppard at the State Fair many moons ago. I was a wittle 12 year old and I wanted this Def Leppard cap because I was a cap guy and I still am. With the money that worked so hard for, I bought this cap at the concert for $25. I wore it for the next week or so before I figured out it was decidedly uncool.

So I peruse the shelves at Musicland and find this same Def Leppard cap, on clearance (like seven times, it had like seven of those orange stickers over each other) and the price said….


I was heartbroken because $20 at 12 is like $500 right now.

Fuck Def Leppard.

3. 2nd season of 24 disc 7 at the North St. Paul Library
I’m in the thick of the 2nd season and I’m getting really into it. I’m finishing all the episodes with a, “WOOAAAHHHH HOLY SHIT!!!!” or a “Good god what the hell is going on?”
And I’m loving it all.

I’m on the last disk (of 7 for Christ’s sake). I get my Doritos out, insert the disk in the DVD player, set the audio for 5.1, and turn down the lights. I wait and the usual FBI warning notice comes on and I wait.

I wait longer.

And I continue to wait for the main title screen.

Nothing and I get this message that reads, “DISC UNREADABLE”

“DISC UNREADABLE!?!?” I yell out as I toss my bag of chips to the side.

I start to twitch and the blue flame of anger starts to grow inside of me. So I take the disc out and rub it around a little and put some elbow grease on it thinking that the disc needs a little attention.

I pop the disc back in and it did no good.

My backup plan is to use my Playstation 2 which has been collecting dust for the past year (why the hell did I buy one anyway?) and I try that.
Now I get Sony’s version of “Disc Unreadable”

And now I’m like a crackhead looking for change in a couch at a hotel lobby. My last resort was to try my computer and that alone is pretty pathetic seeing as I have a 52” screen tv and I have to relagate to 14 inches instead. The computer didn’t even work so now I was without the last four episodes of 24 right in the middle of my extreme addiction.

So I actually had to rent something at Blockbuster. I finished the 4 hour disk in 4.5 hours and then I took it back.


Friday, September 08, 2006

Week 1 Picks

I am so sick of consequence and the look on your face
I am tired of playing defense
I don't even have hockey skates

Last year at this time I was drooling over the NFL season to begin. I didn’t feel comfortable with my fantasy team, Mike Tice was still the coach of the Vikings, and I had no idea what to think of for the 2005 NFL season.

This year I still have no idea what to expect, Mike Tice is gone, and I like my fantasy team. So you’d think that I’d be like a friggen monkey and all hopped up for the 2006 NFL season.

I’m actually not so this first week’s picks are going to look a lot like this:

Loser Vs. Lozers
I don’t know
Lozers 4 Losers 3

And I’m not doing the fellow bloggers picks deal because it just turned into a huge chore at the end of last year. I think Hannes was the only one who was somewhat serious about it because Sugar tit’s never game me her picks and Eric would just pick teams which were closest to New Jersey…or if they were called the Washington Redskins. Plus, I’m bitter that I lost by one damn game.

Learning the HTML code for charts was cool at first but now I’m bored with it so it’s just me this year.

Lets start out with…

Baltimore @ Tampa Bay (ugggghhhh)
Yeah, you got the jail gangbang crew vs. the uh…guys from Tampa. I don’t know, it’s at Tampa so I’ll go Bucs.
Bucs 24 Ravens 21

Atlanta @ Carolina
I think Carolina is the only clear-cut favorite in the NFC (and I got their defense…hell yeah), but that’s not a good position to be in because the media gets all crazy about one mysterious team and they end up sucking like crap for most of the year. Plus, what happened to all the hype for Michael Vick?
Panthers 13 Falcons 10

Buffalo @ New England
How the hell is anyone supposed to know how good the Patriots are this year? I can only tell you like three people that play in that offense and one sits on the bench. Then there’s Buffalo which…who the crap knows how bad they are? They could be the “sleeper team” this year.
Bills 20 Pats 13

Cincinnati @ Kansas City
Then there’s the chiefs who have a different coach with Herm Edwards. Who the crap even knows how good/bad he’ll be. I do think the Bengals will roll though
Bengals 33 Chiefs 21

Denver @ St. Louis
Denver wins
Broncos 24 Rams 17

New Orleans @ Cleveland
I don’t know, who the hell cares anyway.
We’ll say…New Orleans
Saints 27 Browns 16

NY Jets @ Tennessee
They shouldn’t even play this game as far as I’m concerned
Titans 27 Jets 13

Philadelphia @ Houston
Good lord I hate picking week one games. It may as well be the power ball for all I know. Philadelphia has McNabb and that other guy so I suppose they’ll win
Other guy 17 Houston 14

Seattle @ Detroit
I don’t know why, but I really don’t like Seattle at all. It’s to the point where I hope they lose every game they place. Them and Nate Burleson who is NFL’s version of Jacque Jones.
Seahawks 27 Lions

Chicago at Green Bay
Hell of a rivalry…not much else to say about that.
Bears 21 Packers 6

Dallas @ Jacksonville
I don’t friggen know. Go and flip a coin and pick the side that DOESN’T face up.
Dallas 20 Jaguars 17

San Francisco @ Arizona
Arizona’s got some big guns this year. Yeah…
Cards 31 49ers 17

Indianapolis @ NY Giants
It’s always the week one super star game that ends up being the most boring thing ever. This will be that boring game because I think the Colts roll away with this beotch
Colts 35 Giants 10

San Diego @ Oakland
This game will be wrapping up when you day people will be going to work. I think San Diego has this game and Oakland is just dumb.
Chargers 35 Raiders 17

Minnesota @ Washington
I honestly don’t have much of an opinion on the Vikings. Their offense seems really boring and their defense seems really tight. This could be an ugly one too.
Vikes 13 Redskins 10

As for my season prediction on the Vikings, I’ll give them an 8-8 record because I really don’t know any better.

I think they could be good if that left side of the line is as solid as it should be and I like how Troy Williamson looks. So I have my hopes up…again.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

I Ate...Not Enough Apparently

In his heart he wishes her stardom
His eyes want for her much more
That's not so different
Than the way that he said
"There are so very few stars left"

-This Saturday is my company’s golf outing and I’m going for the longest drive competition. Last year I actually had the longest drive but since my ball was in the rough, it didn’t count for anything. Knowing my luck and since I’m looking forward to the competition I’ll just slice the hell out of the thing and have to duck.
I admit, I have been looking forward to crushing (colostomy style) that 6’5 dude who dressed in that ugly ass polo shirt and talks all smuggy-like. Yeah I’m not shaving, I’m wearing my shorts and my ‘Dirty Sanchez’ shirt and gonna look like a bum.

And you know what, this bum is gonna win the longest drive competition!

-Speaking of Dirty Sanchez, how bout that no-hitter last night?

-Conversation I heard while shopping,

Owner: Okay, I’ve had enough of this shit. I’ve got motherfuckin sewage dripping on all my merchandise in the back. I think there’s a hole in the sewer line and I’m sick of this shit! Who the hell wants to buy piss soaked shirts? Huh? Who wants to buy shitted on pants? Huh?

That’s when I quietly left the store.

-I was thinking of what song I would sing if I tried out for American Idol. I think I would sing Bob Dylan’s Hurricane and bring an acoustic guitar and a set of bongos. I would begin and never stop until all 89 verses are sung and then they would have to let me into the semi’s.

“And that’s the story of the HURRICANE (dun-dun-dadun-dun) The man the authorities came NAME!”

-After hearing about a certain someone’s lost car in a parking garage it made me remember the time I got lost in the same lot. Hog and I went to a T-wolves game (this was a long time ago) and it was in the middle of winter. Hog and I were in the middle of our ‘sneaking into the white collar seats’ heyday and in the middle of winter if you enter a section without a coat, the ushers figure you have to be sitting there, so we did. It worked, kinda but the ushers caught on to our little scheme (I think we got too greedy) so we left or got kicked out of the game without our jackets…and we couldn’t find my car. Not only were we walking around the damn Target Center ramp for, what seemed like, ever but we were also freezing cold without our coats.

God damn that was stupid.

-The most amazing thing happened yesterday at the gym. I weighed myself and I was one pound less than what I was the week before.
So after eating:

4 pronto pups
3 slices of pizza
2 whole frozen pizzas
1 strawberry shake
2 orders of cheese curds
1 order of Luigi fries
1 order of Sweet Martha’s Cookies
1 order of Hot dish on a stick
2 small bowls of gelato
1 order of key lime pie on a stick
1 elk burger
1 order of gator fries
1 20 ounce Grain Belt
130 ounces of coke

I still managed to lose a pound.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

The Stupid Things I Say

I wished I was smarter
I wished I was stronger
I wished I loved Jesus
The way the my wife does

Last Sunday's pregame Twins/Yankees game
Bert Blyleven: We gotta do the fuckin thing over again because I just fucked it up.

Anthony: Ah Bert, we’re live!

When I heard it I thought it was pretty funny but I knew he was going to get in trouble. I knew that there were going to be a ton of these uptight windbags who don’t have anything else to do in life but to bitch.

The things I learned when I was in school learning about radio/tv is that everyone involved smokes (or chews) and swears. These people don’t just smoke, they take the carton and make a bonfire and contain all the smoke inside a box and inhale all that stuff. Also these people don’t just swear, they literally turn off the microphone and go,

“awww fucking fuck fuck shit I totally shit fucked that cunt all the way fuckin up” because that is what radio personalities do. It literally happened over the airwaves in Marshall where I went to school.

Hell, I remember a couple student anchors flicking off the camera that went live over the Marshall audience.

Basically this stuff happens and I don’t understand the stink over it. Words are words and as long as the speaker doesn’t go after races or women then I don’t have a problem.

My mom tried to keep the bad words out of our nice Catholic family as long as she could and look what it did to me, it still allows me to make up sentences like,
“awww fucking fuck fuck shit I totally shit fucked that cunt all the way fuckin up”.

I remember when I was really little and my parents would spell out everything to each other because they knew my bro and I didn’t know how to spell so they would do this,
“Lets go over to the S-T-O-R-E and get some C-H-I-P-S. I hope that B-I-T-C-H isn’t there though.”

It worked for a long time until I went to school and I analyzed the words and said in excitement,

My mom didn’t care for that and I never heard her spell anything since.

Then I remember the time I was leaving church and I would always ask my mom those pointed questions about Catholicism, (you know those “key” questions) and one day I asked my mom,

“Hey mom, is Jesus’ last name Christ?”

“yes it is, very good.”

“and is God’s last name dammit?”

I was being honest at the time but my mom didn’t like that. My dad was trying to hide a chuckle but the boss was next to him.

Oh, oh then there was the time I was on Marshall radio and I told the Marshall audience how the morning show (on the station I was talking on) sucked.

We were doing imitations of all the on-air personalities and I was the absolute best at it. I could do everyone. So someone asks for me to do the morning show and I blurt out,
“oh no, I don’t want to do the morning show, that show sucks”

I felt kinda bad but I didn’t care, my big mouth runs in my family.

So I don’t blame Bert for those f’nhiemers one bit. In fact, I think he’s even cooler now for have saying that on the air…along with all the other stuff he’s said.

I admit, I’m biased on this because ever since I saw Bert Blyleven at White Castle at 3am, I’ve secretly wished he was my uncle. I can only imagine the day he shows me how to light people’s feet on fire and the shaving cream to the face bit.

Man, that would be cool!

Monday, September 04, 2006

I Ate Too Much

I wished I'd have known you
I wished I'd have shown you
All of the things
I was on the inside

I have a couple confessions to make.

1. In place of the penny arcade was this “butterfly world” which was a huge room with a million butterflies flying around. As much as I miss the penny arcade (and that giant pinball machine) I kinda sorta thought the “butterfly world” looked really cool.

I know, I know I’m giving away my “guy card” on this subject but seeing these 5 year olds with 40 butterflies on them looked really cool. Plus, they had these “blue” butterflies that looked all pretty and everything.

2. I actually opened my eyes at the fair.
Woah, there are some really god damn fat people and the gunts….oh my. Next year I’m thinking of buying some really big pants and blowing up a balloon (or many balloons) and walk around with a synthetic gunt to see what it’s like.

Speaking of which, I think I ate more than I ever have at the fair. I spent about $135 total at the fair ($70 on food for two days).

But it’s alright because I fasted last week. With the State Fair being my Lent, I laid way back on the food for the week prior to me going to the fair. So it’s all good.

I must say I was extremely happy with the hot dish on a stick. I grew up on tater tot hot dish and I haven’t had it in such a long time so I was happy.

Also the gelato was awesome. Gelato is Italian ice cream except that it is made with milk…I think and it’s awesome and expensive. For one little bowl it’s $4.50 but it’s worth it because it’s so god damn good.

I must say the first day that I went to the fair it was the most inefficient experience I’ve had. I left hungry, not going to all the booths that I wanted to go, and tired.

…that’s all I got.. I’m tired from all that eating.