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Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Golf's Ultimate Champion...Me!

You're gone, the trees are so quiet
When your hand was in my pocket
How they swayed from side to side
Now the meddling sky and my snowy eye
Sees a different night

September 2005
T’was our company golf outing and I was on a team with B (whom I know pretty well at work) and some dude and his daughter. The round started at the butt crack of dawn at 8am and I worked until 2am the previous night/morning so I was tired. On top of being tired I had a 72 hour shadow and I was donning a dirty shirt (probably anyway).

I hadn’t golfed in over a year and the only reason I was even at this tournament was because it was free and there was going to be free food. So I was game for all that.

The round was awesome, I was hitting everything well and the guy and the daughter couldn’t believe I hadn’t been golfing much before. Such hitting gave me the confidence to go over and flirt with the guy’s daughter which the guy didn’t like very much.

Anyway different holes had different competitions for closest chip, longest putt, and longest drive. I can drive a ball like…friggen…awesome…ly and I was going for this particular competition.

The current long drive looked about 260 yards and way out of range for me but I tried anyway. I hit the ball with a slight slice and landed in the rough. Upon further review, I had a longer drive than the current leader but since my drive was in the rough, it didn’t count.


And so the year went on and I would think about how I’m going to slam the hell out of the ball next year when I do this same tournament again.

September 2006
T’was time. The tournament started later and I even shaved for the event. I didn’t wear my “dirty sanchez” shirt but I did play pretty bad for my standards. Basically I was only there to hit the longest drive.

2nd hole.
My work buddy (whom I was on the same team with) had this Super Stealth 5000 Powrdriver deal and he asked me if I wanted to use it.
The driver he had was about the size of a tire and it had all this cool slashy writing on it. It also had the number 410 on it which made whatever was written on it sound even cooler.

Which makes me think that you could say anything and follow it with 410 and it would sound cool.

Oatmeal 410
Cardboard box 410
Stealth 410
Thermostat 410
Boof 410
Andre 410

Anyway I swung this thing and it was an absolute dream. I could tear down a forest with the type of swing speed I could accumulate with this badass410.

So I teed up and took a couple practice swings.

And I stepped up and went for it.


It wasn’t the normal “PINK” it was bigger and more violent-er and the ball just exploded off the tee. It wasn’t going straight but there was still some drama in the air as my golf partners watched this thing sail over the trees that were 220 yards away.

I fuckin crushed this ball like there was no tomorrow.

This was my club and I was going to try to perfect it before the longest drive hole.

One Hole I hit it about 3 miles left again

One hole I hit it about a mile long and 5 miles to the left

Another hole I hit it about three holes to the right.

I did manage to hit it straight on a hole and the if there wasn’t a wind in my face it could’ve easily hit 280 yards.

Now was the time for the longest drive. We had to wait about 20 minutes for the group in front of us and although I wasn’t showing it, I had some butterflies in my stomach. This was the hole that I came for and that gift certificate was mine.

The guy were finally up far enough where I could hit and my heart started to pound as I was teeing up my ball. When hitting a golfball the slightest hesitation can make a ball slice or hook halfway to St. Paul so my heart pounding was making my heart pound even more. The furthest drive was about the same place it was last year and the fairway was huge so I just had to hit the ball somewhat straight.

I took my practice swings and stepped up to the ball. I took my backswing and watched the ball as I followed forward. I hit the ball somewhat awkward but it was a good awkward. I hit a laser that stayed about 10 feet in the air and went for 200 yards. The ball then rolled forever and actually rolled about 10 yards past the longest drive mark.

I fuckin had it and I was tickled pink! The only thing was if I could maintain this drive.

I had thoughts of hiding in the sand trap and throwing any ball that would beat mine into the creek but I decided that I would keep the faith and hope that my drive stayed in the lead.

It did and now I’m the ultimate golf champion of the world! I got a gift card to that particular golf course but I don’t know how much it’s good for. If it’s $25 then it’s a piece of crap because greens fees are about $44. I’m hoping it’s a million dollars but I bet it’s $25.

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