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Thursday, September 28, 2006

Joe Klopfenstein Bits

The suitcoats say, 'There is money to be made.'
They get so damn excited, nothing gets in their way
My road it may be lonely just because it's not paved.
It's good for drifting, drifting away.

-I’m sure the news for Terrell Owens came down something like this.

Guy 1: Hey, T.O. is in the hospital
Guy 2: Oh yeah, what’s wrong with him?
Guy 1: pfff who knows, I bet he tried to commit suicide after listening to that awful Barbara Streisand commercial that’s on the radio.

And it spread like wildfire from there. You could almost hear the ESPN execs jumping up and down and screaming like little girls when they found out they can go a whole day without any sort of creative programming.

It started last night when they would interview people who think they knew what TO was going through without knowing much about the situation.
“well, I’m sure he’s going through a lot of stress and perhaps all the practice has gotten to him..which made him commit suicide.”


Then they had the worthless press conferences and I liked the one with Bill Parcells,

Press: Do you think the medical staff reacted properly with this problem?
Big T: Problem? Huh, I don’t even know what happened. Why are you guys asking me these questions, I have no idea.
Press: Do you think this will cause you to bench TO for the future?

Of course my favorite is when they begin a press conference asking,
“Did TO commit suicide?”
And end with,
“Do you believe TO will be available this weekend against Tennessee?”

Which is just hilarious.

-I thought it was weird to have one tanning bed in my place that I rent but now I have TWO tanning beds in my place.
I have no idea what the hell that’s about.

-Today I sound especially sick seeing as I can only belt out one monotone note. If I try to go higher all I get is the sound of me breathing fluently which I think it cool. Today I got all sorts of sympathy in the form of quotes,

“Geez, you should probably be back home in bed.”
“Wow take some vitamin C and drink plenty of fluids”
“You must be feeling pretty crappy eh?”

When in fact I feel pretty damn good. I could run a mile if you wanted me but my voice sounds like Satan’s in the morning.

-This last weekend the Colostomy Crushers were down by 8 points with only a kicker left. The Bald Eagles had a running back and a kicker so I figured my week was numbered. As it turns out I lost by one damn point and I attribute that all to not playing a tight end (not seriously anyway). I played Joe Klopfenstein who I picked up only because A) He was a rookie and more importantly B) because his name is fun to say with a German accent

“Give me a fooockin BUD VISOR you glockinschpiel playing shizor or my name aint Joe Klopvansteeen! Actually I blame the loss on Matt Hasselbeck going all crazy with 5 touchdowns instead of poor ol’ Klopfenstein.

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