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Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Rating the Drugs

I wish I was a neutron bomb, for once I could go off.
I wish I was a sacrifice, but somehow still lived on.
I wish I was a sentimental ornament you hung on the Christmas tree.
I wish I was the star that went on top.

Since I actually bought medicine to help sooth my symptoms I thought I would rate whatever the hell I bought.

First I must say that since these things did or did not work for me isn’t necessarily how it’s going to work for you or aliens like Sarah Jessica Parker

Vick’s throat spray
Well, If you like a temporary numbing of the mouth then knock yourself out with this. I’ve never used throat spray before but after reading the label and seeing no flashing red light warnings, I already knew this was a little too softcore for me. I want some “beware of death” type stuff when I’m reading medicine labels because then you know you’re dealing with potent stuff.

I noticed that almost all medicines are flavored with red (for cherry) and green (for apple or mint, or “green death fucking flavor”) so I went with the cherry flavored throat spray. I got out of bed, numbed my mouth, and by the time I got back into bed the numbness wore off.

It was at that time I looked at the ceiling with a painful sore throat and coughing fit that I knew I had been duped.

Sucrets Lozenges

What the hell is a lozenges? Either way I must admit I’m a cough drop guy because I remember when I was really little and raiding my dad’s rusting, brown, quarter ton pickup I found a sleeve of these red candies. I tried one and it was the crappiest thing I had ever had. I then asked him about the candies and he told me that these were cough drops and to “NEVER DIG IN MY GLOVE BOX AGAIN!”.

So these “lozenges” worked better than any throat spray I’ve ever had but it didn’t take away from sore throat and I have to admit, It was a terrible sore throat. What I did find out is you can sleep with these and hide said “lozenges” on the topside of your teeth for when you wake up in a coughing spell and it’s like your own refrigerator for “lozenges”. I finished this stuff off in no time and I would buy them again.

Of course there are about 400 different kinds of “lozenges” or cough drops so I’m open to any suggestions.

NyQuill Cough

I have to admit that when I decided that I had to make a 3am run to the grocery store for some cough relief I was way out of my element. I hadn’t been fed cough syrup in like 15 years and I had no idea what to get. Honestly, when looking at the different syrups I just had Denis Leary’s No Cure For Cancer cd in my head about NyQuil.
“Capital N, small Y, big fuckin Q. I love that fuckin Q!” and Chris Rock’s Robitussin bit,
“What’s wrong son, put some ‘tussin on it. Got a headache? Rub some ‘tussin on it!”

And that was my basis for buying what I did. I saw a big bottle that said “NYQUIL COUGH” and figured I couldn’t go wrong. I also have to admit that I was looking for the “green death fuckin flavor” too.

I tried the NyQuil and one dose didn’t do a damn thing for my cough. I did notice that the directions were a little more strict but not up to the “red flag” warning yet so an hour after my first dose, I took a dangerous second dose. I think it worked well because I fell asleep both nights after I took the second dose (and in very little time too--thank you Denis Leary!).
So I have to admit that I would try NyQuil again even If I’m not tired, I may just take a couple doses of NyQuil and see if I can count to 20 before I drop like a rock.

But I have to admit that I’m feeling a lot better now and what’s really cool is that I don’t sound better. I basically sound like Satan when I talk and everyone gives me that sympathy that I need, but little do they know that I feel great and could defend myself if someone tried to shave my eyebrows.

My voice sounds like I have just been let out of a Vikings game and I have been yelling for 4 quarters straight. It’s like I have only half of my regular tones and when I try to talk, only half the sounds come out.
Yeah it’s pretty cool. I should always sound sick to get sympathy from people.

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