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Wednesday, September 06, 2006

The Stupid Things I Say

I wished I was smarter
I wished I was stronger
I wished I loved Jesus
The way the my wife does

Last Sunday's pregame Twins/Yankees game
Bert Blyleven: We gotta do the fuckin thing over again because I just fucked it up.

Anthony: Ah Bert, we’re live!

When I heard it I thought it was pretty funny but I knew he was going to get in trouble. I knew that there were going to be a ton of these uptight windbags who don’t have anything else to do in life but to bitch.

The things I learned when I was in school learning about radio/tv is that everyone involved smokes (or chews) and swears. These people don’t just smoke, they take the carton and make a bonfire and contain all the smoke inside a box and inhale all that stuff. Also these people don’t just swear, they literally turn off the microphone and go,

“awww fucking fuck fuck shit I totally shit fucked that cunt all the way fuckin up” because that is what radio personalities do. It literally happened over the airwaves in Marshall where I went to school.

Hell, I remember a couple student anchors flicking off the camera that went live over the Marshall audience.

Basically this stuff happens and I don’t understand the stink over it. Words are words and as long as the speaker doesn’t go after races or women then I don’t have a problem.

My mom tried to keep the bad words out of our nice Catholic family as long as she could and look what it did to me, it still allows me to make up sentences like,
“awww fucking fuck fuck shit I totally shit fucked that cunt all the way fuckin up”.

I remember when I was really little and my parents would spell out everything to each other because they knew my bro and I didn’t know how to spell so they would do this,
“Lets go over to the S-T-O-R-E and get some C-H-I-P-S. I hope that B-I-T-C-H isn’t there though.”

It worked for a long time until I went to school and I analyzed the words and said in excitement,
“OOOOOH I KNOW WHAT YOU SAID! STORE, CHIPS, BITCH! YAY YAY BITCH YAY YAY”

My mom didn’t care for that and I never heard her spell anything since.

Then I remember the time I was leaving church and I would always ask my mom those pointed questions about Catholicism, (you know those “key” questions) and one day I asked my mom,

“Hey mom, is Jesus’ last name Christ?”

“yes it is, very good.”

“and is God’s last name dammit?”

I was being honest at the time but my mom didn’t like that. My dad was trying to hide a chuckle but the boss was next to him.

Oh, oh then there was the time I was on Marshall radio and I told the Marshall audience how the morning show (on the station I was talking on) sucked.

We were doing imitations of all the on-air personalities and I was the absolute best at it. I could do everyone. So someone asks for me to do the morning show and I blurt out,
“oh no, I don’t want to do the morning show, that show sucks”

I felt kinda bad but I didn’t care, my big mouth runs in my family.

So I don’t blame Bert for those f’nhiemers one bit. In fact, I think he’s even cooler now for have saying that on the air…along with all the other stuff he’s said.

I admit, I’m biased on this because ever since I saw Bert Blyleven at White Castle at 3am, I’ve secretly wished he was my uncle. I can only imagine the day he shows me how to light people’s feet on fire and the shaving cream to the face bit.

Man, that would be cool!

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