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Monday, September 18, 2006

Those Poor Cards (Crap)

Awake on my airplane
Awake on my airplane
My skin is bare
My skin is theirs

Crap List

1. Those god awful Dodge commercials
I once thought Pepsi made the absolute worst, most ineffective commercials ever (P-Diddy is supposed to make me buy Pepsi?) but now Dodge has the title if anything for how much their commercials are played.

Exhibit A: Hemi
I actually thought it was cute at first when they’d show the redneck and his lit up face when he asked about the hemi. I wanted the guy to squeal like a pig too because that would be awesome. I also liked the commercial because my mom hated it and I’ve never seen my mom hate anything more than these Dodge “does it have a hemi” commercials.
Unfortunately they found a good idea and, like all of entertainment, don’t decide to get creative but to drive and milk that idea to the ground.

Exhibit B: Dr. Z
I think everyone and their mom hated this commercial and what was worse was that they would play two of these during every break for ever Twins game. My first problem is that this guy doesn’t speak German (at least I’d be willing to bet he doesn’t). He can speak German as well as I can speak stereotypical Minnesotan which is annoying in its own right.
When I see this commercial I don’t want to buy a Dodge anything, instead I want to find all Dodge vehicles and flick off every one of them for supporting such subtle mass media terrorism.

Exhibit C: The cute little creatures
This is the commercial that they have been ramming down our throats lately. It’s the one where the hottie (nice touch by Dodge btw) unveils the new SUV and the cute little cartoon characters say how they feel about such a vehicle.
“It’s cuddly nor wuddly” and “it scares me” are some of the quotes by the creatures until cute little Binky says,
“It scares the (bleep) outta me” Then there’s the two suave business guys who are in the next room and start sucking each others dicks about how that’s the exact response they wanted.

How does that sell cars?

How does one watch and say, “ooooh I want a vehicle that looks scary to Pixar knock offs”. Also, it seems like the commercial is supposed to be both cute and edgy but cute and edgy don’t go together. At all.
See the only people who buy SUVs are women who want penises and men who have little penises because other than that I don’t understand what the need is and don’t give me the “we have a family” argument because cars can actually seat 4 comfortably and if you have more than 4 people in your family then stop having kids!

So with the whole women, men and the penis envy I don’t understand how furry little creatures tip the scales? Binky saying the censored version of “shit” is stupid

2. People who bend playing cards
Every poker table seems to have these pricks who take the cards with their sweaty little mitts and nearly bend the hell out of all the cards they touch. A nice, crisp new deck of perfectly straight cards quickly turns into a warped jumble of a mess.

I like how the cards come out of a deck nice, crisp, FLAT, and all that makes it necessary for a card to glide across that table without much friction. It’s a think of beauty.
Whereas with those warped out shitty cards the card catches on the table and ends up getting flipped up. It also gives me the irrational realization that said card could be seen if someone saw it at the right angle.

I can’t take that. Just like how I can’t take eating my burger with fries watching me, judging me.

“I’m sorry fries I thought I didn’t know you were hiding underneath the plate! I’m sorry!”

The cards tell me,
“look at me, look what they did to me! I’m now curved and not in plane-like form anymore. Yell at them and save my brothers!”

Poor, poor cards.

3. “Can you come here a sec?”
Ugh I can’t stand these phone calls. Here’s how they go,

Boof: Hello?
Worker: uh yeah Tom, can you come over here for a sec.
Boof: Why? What’s going on?
Worker: Can you just come over here?
Boof: Tell me what’s going on!
Worker: Just come over here.

And it ends up being something really stupid where the worker wanted to save their ass but it wasn’t worth anything at all.

There really needs to be a course in high school about phone calling etiquette. I admit, I’m not nearly close to getting a “C” grade in this class but at least I would know what I do wrong.

But I like surprises when they’re good. I don’t like them when they’re “not good”. All I ask is a teaser, something I can think of while I run to my car and before I start blaring “Land of Confustion” for the 5,000 time in a row.


The Steph said...

Dr. Z actually is German...he's not a character at all, he's the COO or CEO or VP or some other letters of Daimler Chrysler or whatever combo of the two companies they call it. And they did finally pull the Dr. Z ads - after sales went down and they "wanted to change their focus." Probably to selling cars!!!

Ditto on creating phone ettiquette classes in HS. Good lord.

Barry Metropolis said...

How about 651-488-8888 for an awful commercial? I seriously can't take it because it will be in my head for hours. And I don't want it to be.